The Lies We Believe about Ourselves
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 812
The Lies We Believe about Ourselves
One thing that has been on my mind lately is the lies (or delusions) I have believed about myself for so long. One of the gifts of sobriety is the opportunity to discover who I really am and what I am really capable of with the help of my HP.
For example, for my whole life I have believed I was dumb in math. I didn't do good in math in High School. I was an alcoholic by the time I was 16 and drinking every day by the time I was a senior. So my grades were not really good in anything, but in math I just knew it was because I was dumb, and for no other reason.
I avoided math at all costs in college. If there was a way to get around a math class, I found it.
Several years ago I started taking some college classes again. I found I really enjoyed the classes and I have kept up with them for several years now. I don't have a particular goal in taking them, just the pleasure of learning. Anyway, the math fear was still with me, but I signed up for a basic math class three years ago. Much to my surprise, I got an A in the class. Then I took Statistics. I also got an A in the class. Currently, I am in Pre-Calculus and making an A. Next semester I plan on taking Calculus. I plan on making an A (LOL). Yes, I'm still a bit of a perfectionist, but I no longer believe I am dumb at math.
There are other lies I have believed about myself that are not so pleasant. Like I am realistic and objective when many times I think like a perfectionist. I always thought I was so giving and generous, but in reality I can be selfish and greedy. But as long as I keep this connection with a power greater than myself, more is revealed to me, and I get to become who I really am and who I want to be rather than an actor full of self-delusion. It's a process, and I'm always uncovering something new.
What are some of the lies you believed about yourself, good or bad, that you have discovered in sobriety?
For example, for my whole life I have believed I was dumb in math. I didn't do good in math in High School. I was an alcoholic by the time I was 16 and drinking every day by the time I was a senior. So my grades were not really good in anything, but in math I just knew it was because I was dumb, and for no other reason.
I avoided math at all costs in college. If there was a way to get around a math class, I found it.
Several years ago I started taking some college classes again. I found I really enjoyed the classes and I have kept up with them for several years now. I don't have a particular goal in taking them, just the pleasure of learning. Anyway, the math fear was still with me, but I signed up for a basic math class three years ago. Much to my surprise, I got an A in the class. Then I took Statistics. I also got an A in the class. Currently, I am in Pre-Calculus and making an A. Next semester I plan on taking Calculus. I plan on making an A (LOL). Yes, I'm still a bit of a perfectionist, but I no longer believe I am dumb at math.
There are other lies I have believed about myself that are not so pleasant. Like I am realistic and objective when many times I think like a perfectionist. I always thought I was so giving and generous, but in reality I can be selfish and greedy. But as long as I keep this connection with a power greater than myself, more is revealed to me, and I get to become who I really am and who I want to be rather than an actor full of self-delusion. It's a process, and I'm always uncovering something new.
What are some of the lies you believed about yourself, good or bad, that you have discovered in sobriety?
paradox
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 665
" . . . truth will out." ~Shakespeare
Great topic, Pagekeeper.
Getting truthful has been one of the most important aspects of my recovery.
I couldn't have done it without AA, my sponsor, the 12 steps, and my Higher Power.
For, you see, I was like a lying slot machine -- the truth rarely came out.
Alcohol was the lubricant for this lying machine.
Until I was freed by the 12 steps, I would lie about anything.
Ask me a question, even a simple question, and my addled brain would quickly evaluate several possible responses.
The truth sometimes came out, but only if a possible lie didn't beat it.
The response that came out was chosen to make me look good -- or not quite so bad.
The main trouble with this strategy was that I believed my own lies.
Alcohol helped me to believe what I wanted others to believe.
I thought I was a mellow dude; cool, calm and collected.
In hindsight, truthfully, I was full of repressed anger and resentment;
resentment of others and self.
Self-loathing was hard to hide from myself.
Alcohol helped.
But, sometimes that was the worst lie -- especially towards the end of my drinking.
Alcohol began to magnify my negative feelings about myself.
I could no longer hide in my web of lies.
Paradoxically and hypocritically, I would have told you, with a straight face, that I believed truth to be one of the most important "things" in life.
These days I have a higher power (a God of my understanding) so if I lie -- someone besides me will know.
I still lie occasionally.
I have to accept my dishonesty and admit it.
My honesty is only as "rigorous" as the last word out of my mouth, or typed in this box.
Great topic, Pagekeeper.
Getting truthful has been one of the most important aspects of my recovery.
I couldn't have done it without AA, my sponsor, the 12 steps, and my Higher Power.
For, you see, I was like a lying slot machine -- the truth rarely came out.
Alcohol was the lubricant for this lying machine.
Until I was freed by the 12 steps, I would lie about anything.
Ask me a question, even a simple question, and my addled brain would quickly evaluate several possible responses.
The truth sometimes came out, but only if a possible lie didn't beat it.
The response that came out was chosen to make me look good -- or not quite so bad.
The main trouble with this strategy was that I believed my own lies.
Alcohol helped me to believe what I wanted others to believe.
I thought I was a mellow dude; cool, calm and collected.
In hindsight, truthfully, I was full of repressed anger and resentment;
resentment of others and self.
Self-loathing was hard to hide from myself.
Alcohol helped.
But, sometimes that was the worst lie -- especially towards the end of my drinking.
Alcohol began to magnify my negative feelings about myself.
I could no longer hide in my web of lies.
Paradoxically and hypocritically, I would have told you, with a straight face, that I believed truth to be one of the most important "things" in life.
These days I have a higher power (a God of my understanding) so if I lie -- someone besides me will know.
I still lie occasionally.
I have to accept my dishonesty and admit it.
My honesty is only as "rigorous" as the last word out of my mouth, or typed in this box.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I had no idea how controlling I was, as I have always loathed that trait in anybody else. I am now understanding better than ever that whatever you point to in someone else, you have three fingers pointing back at yourself.
I always thought I was extremely spiritual and connected to my HP, but my drinking was a barrier to that. Now, I feel more reliant on my HP on a moment to moment basis, but in a good, strong healthy way, if that makes sense.
All of the people pleasing that I did, only created a great deal of resentment in me and therefore it made a lot of my relationships not authentic. I like my relationships better now and I think others do, too, because I am more my real self.
I thought my drinking made me funny, but I find my sense of humor sharper now.
I treasure life more and I feel like I have more time.
Thanks for this thread!
I always thought I was extremely spiritual and connected to my HP, but my drinking was a barrier to that. Now, I feel more reliant on my HP on a moment to moment basis, but in a good, strong healthy way, if that makes sense.
All of the people pleasing that I did, only created a great deal of resentment in me and therefore it made a lot of my relationships not authentic. I like my relationships better now and I think others do, too, because I am more my real self.
I thought my drinking made me funny, but I find my sense of humor sharper now.
I treasure life more and I feel like I have more time.
Thanks for this thread!
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
pagekeeper,I love your post
I remember when I did my 5th step,Father Vinnie told me
God loves you and He just wants you go out from here and be happy and be all you can be.
wow
I never heard such powerful,simple encouragement.
that was 25 years ago and it still fires me up.
I never thought(I believed those lies)I was worthy enough to be loved or to love someone.
I was never worthy enough to have a good job or family.Today I am a grandfather!
That goes to show what I knew.
I never felt I was worthy of success in anything.
today,like you,I have discovered I love to learn.
I also have been successful in a small business for the past 10 years and it is still slowly expanding.I was voted in as President of a non profit association that does benefit a lot of the local AA groups,we provide a (old historic) place so AA and Alanon can have meetings there.We do the upkeep on the building etc but stay out of the groups affairs.It is quite a busy job and I am very thankful for the trust sent my way.
be all you can be
thats the encouragement I try to pass on to the newcomers.
today,I am happy with my life and family,job and chances to serve those around me.
pagekeeper,keep up the good job!
keep being all you can be!
I remember when I did my 5th step,Father Vinnie told me
God loves you and He just wants you go out from here and be happy and be all you can be.
wow
I never heard such powerful,simple encouragement.
that was 25 years ago and it still fires me up.
I never thought(I believed those lies)I was worthy enough to be loved or to love someone.
I was never worthy enough to have a good job or family.Today I am a grandfather!
That goes to show what I knew.
I never felt I was worthy of success in anything.
today,like you,I have discovered I love to learn.
I also have been successful in a small business for the past 10 years and it is still slowly expanding.I was voted in as President of a non profit association that does benefit a lot of the local AA groups,we provide a (old historic) place so AA and Alanon can have meetings there.We do the upkeep on the building etc but stay out of the groups affairs.It is quite a busy job and I am very thankful for the trust sent my way.
be all you can be
thats the encouragement I try to pass on to the newcomers.
today,I am happy with my life and family,job and chances to serve those around me.
pagekeeper,keep up the good job!
keep being all you can be!
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Nice thread....
Newly sober - almost 5 months, discovering more daily. Love AA - the grace I have been given is unparalleled in my life thus far.
The lie - I am fearless and can withstand all !
Truth - self centered fear infested run of mill drunk with a boring story.
The lie - I really Love her , it , them etc
Truth - hell, not sure if I like chicken or steak
Truth - happiness is an inward journey - no one, thing or place can make me happy - sad - or glad. It's all bulkshit and in my mind.
Question to The Buddah
Are you a God - No
Are you a saint - no
Are you an Angel - no
What are you then???
Awake!
Newly sober - almost 5 months, discovering more daily. Love AA - the grace I have been given is unparalleled in my life thus far.
The lie - I am fearless and can withstand all !
Truth - self centered fear infested run of mill drunk with a boring story.
The lie - I really Love her , it , them etc
Truth - hell, not sure if I like chicken or steak
Truth - happiness is an inward journey - no one, thing or place can make me happy - sad - or glad. It's all bulkshit and in my mind.
Question to The Buddah
Are you a God - No
Are you a saint - no
Are you an Angel - no
What are you then???
Awake!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I based and/or fed my resentments on what I KNEW people thought. I knew what they were thinking and every truth I had was a direct result of this insight.
The truth is I have no idea what anyone else is thinking, ever. I can guess and sometimes I am pretty close but I don't really know and I even if I can guess because I know the person well, I certainly cannot base my feelings, actions or reactions on that fact because it is not fact, it is fiction.
I had someone tell me last night "I think you think..blah blah blah" and they could not have been more wrong. It is so easy to look at another person and wonder how the heck did they ever come to that ridiculous conclusion but never once did I think the same thing about my own thoughts. Mine were real! REAL I TELL YOU!
LOL!
I still do this sometimes but I am getting better at not doing it. I also take the time to get to know people so I can guess better what they are thinking
Not really! But that is how this stupid brain works. Instead of giving up I try to solve the puzzle instead of just letting it go and stop playing.
I want to be able control my reactions to everything by having first hand information before YOU even get it from your own mind!
The truth is I have no idea what anyone else is thinking, ever. I can guess and sometimes I am pretty close but I don't really know and I even if I can guess because I know the person well, I certainly cannot base my feelings, actions or reactions on that fact because it is not fact, it is fiction.
I had someone tell me last night "I think you think..blah blah blah" and they could not have been more wrong. It is so easy to look at another person and wonder how the heck did they ever come to that ridiculous conclusion but never once did I think the same thing about my own thoughts. Mine were real! REAL I TELL YOU!
LOL!
I still do this sometimes but I am getting better at not doing it. I also take the time to get to know people so I can guess better what they are thinking
Not really! But that is how this stupid brain works. Instead of giving up I try to solve the puzzle instead of just letting it go and stop playing.I want to be able control my reactions to everything by having first hand information before YOU even get it from your own mind!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 812
Originally Posted by dox 
Alcohol was the lubricant for this lying machine.
Until I was freed by the 12 steps, I would lie about anything.
Ask me a question, even a simple question, and my addled brain would quickly evaluate several possible responses.
The truth sometimes came out, but only if a possible lie didn't beat it.
The response that came out was chosen to make me look good -- or not quite so bad.
The main trouble with this strategy was that I believed my own lies.
Originally Posted by DoubleDragons
All of the people pleasing that I did, only created a great deal of resentment in me and therefore it made a lot of my relationships not authentic. I like my relationships better now and I think others do, too, because I am more my real self.
Originally Posted by Tommyh
I never thought(I believed those lies)I was worthy enough to be loved or to love someone.
I was never worthy enough to have a good job or family.Today I am a grandfather!
That goes to show what I knew.
I never felt I was worthy of success in anything.
today,like you,I have discovered I love to learn.
I also have been successful in a small business for the past 10 years and it is still slowly expanding.I was voted in as President of a non profit association that does benefit a lot of the local AA groups,we provide a (old historic) place so AA and Alanon can have meetings there.We do the upkeep on the building etc but stay out of the groups affairs.It is quite a busy job and I am very thankful for the trust sent my way.
I was never worthy enough to have a good job or family.Today I am a grandfather!
That goes to show what I knew.
I never felt I was worthy of success in anything.
today,like you,I have discovered I love to learn.
I also have been successful in a small business for the past 10 years and it is still slowly expanding.I was voted in as President of a non profit association that does benefit a lot of the local AA groups,we provide a (old historic) place so AA and Alanon can have meetings there.We do the upkeep on the building etc but stay out of the groups affairs.It is quite a busy job and I am very thankful for the trust sent my way.
I, too, have struggled with feeling worthy of success. I started my own small business and it took me a while to believe I was capable of doing it, but it's off to a decent start, and I am enjoying it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 812
Originally Posted by GracieLou
I based and/or fed my resentments on what I KNEW people thought. I knew what they were thinking and every truth I had was a direct result of this insight.
The truth is I have no idea what anyone else is thinking, ever. I can guess and sometimes I am pretty close but I don't really know and I even if I can guess because I know the person well, I certainly cannot base my feelings, actions or reactions on that fact because it is not fact, it is fiction.
I had someone tell me last night "I think you think..blah blah blah" and they could not have been more wrong. It is so easy to look at another person and wonder how the heck did they ever come to that ridiculous conclusion but never once did I think the same thing about my own thoughts. Mine were real! REAL I TELL YOU!
LOL!
I still do this sometimes but I am getting better at not doing it. I also take the time to get to know people so I can guess better what they are thinking Not really! But that is how this stupid brain works. Instead of giving up I try to solve the puzzle instead of just letting it go and stop playing.
I want to be able control my reactions to everything by having first hand information before YOU even get it from your own mind!
The truth is I have no idea what anyone else is thinking, ever. I can guess and sometimes I am pretty close but I don't really know and I even if I can guess because I know the person well, I certainly cannot base my feelings, actions or reactions on that fact because it is not fact, it is fiction.
I had someone tell me last night "I think you think..blah blah blah" and they could not have been more wrong. It is so easy to look at another person and wonder how the heck did they ever come to that ridiculous conclusion but never once did I think the same thing about my own thoughts. Mine were real! REAL I TELL YOU!
LOL!
I still do this sometimes but I am getting better at not doing it. I also take the time to get to know people so I can guess better what they are thinking
Not really! But that is how this stupid brain works. Instead of giving up I try to solve the puzzle instead of just letting it go and stop playing.I want to be able control my reactions to everything by having first hand information before YOU even get it from your own mind!
Oh I can sooo relate to this, GracieLou. The entire post cracked me up because I see so much of myself in it.
It's funny because I will see commercials or advertisements for psychics and mediums and I will think, "What a crock!" Yet ... my insights are so very REAL to me! I have also based resentments on what I thought others thought. I catch myself doing it still, and have to flash the Stop sign in my brain. My experience with matters like this is that they are not entirely removed on my time (boy I wish they were, though). The removal of character defects is an utter mystery to me. One day they are just gone and I don't seem to notice it until months later.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by Pagekeeper
Oh I can sooo relate to this, GracieLou. The entire post cracked me up because I see so much of myself in it.
And the person that thought they knew what I was thinking and was wrong, did not believe me when I told them they were wrong. I could just tell..ooops, there I go AGAIN! LOL
They are also a recovering alcoholic so that is why they thought they could read my mind...LOL
"I was looking back to see. If you were looking back to see. If I was looking back to see. If you were looking back at me" LMAO! God help us!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 383
The BEST part of sobriety is indeed the self-discovery You, like a lot of us started drinking before you had even fully developed as person, which has a way of stunting our emotional, cognitive, social and spiritual growth. Alcoholism smothers what is a normal, healthy growth process. So happy to hear you are discovering some hidden talents. Thanks for sharing - this is much needed good news for me today
You, like a lot of us started drinking before you had even fully developed as person, which has a way of stunting our emotional, cognitive, social and spiritual growth. Alcoholism smothers what is a normal, healthy growth process. So happy to hear you are discovering some hidden talents. Thanks for sharing - this is much needed good news for me today 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 812
Originally Posted by Climber122
The BEST part of sobriety is indeed the self-discovery You, like a lot of us started drinking before you had even fully developed as person, which has a way of stunting our emotional, cognitive, social and spiritual growth. Alcoholism smothers what is a normal, healthy growth process. So happy to hear you are discovering some hidden talents. Thanks for sharing - this is much needed good news for me today
You, like a lot of us started drinking before you had even fully developed as person, which has a way of stunting our emotional, cognitive, social and spiritual growth. Alcoholism smothers what is a normal, healthy growth process. So happy to hear you are discovering some hidden talents. Thanks for sharing - this is much needed good news for me today Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
I have found myself putting my life long stories under a microscope lately...so this thread is exactly where I am at in my journey. Delusions are the lies I tell myself and believe. And many of them are the kind I would justify by saying "well, I was just bornthat way." I am seeing that so, so many of the things I used as a playing card are just plain wrong. The stories I whip up about myself, looped endlessly, are just that - stories. Sure, I can't change the fact that I am 5'10", there are many things I can change if I am willing to believe and willing to strip away the crusty facades.
What no longer serves me needs to go. And it's not always easy. I have come to many realizations lately, and some sting, and some I walked away with a sense that "yeah, I knew that all along". A lot of what I am shedding is ego-driven. So a lot of humility these days. Painful. But it helps me.
One thing that I have noticed is that the stories I tell are how I identify myself ("Oh, I'm not a handy man - I can't do that") and how I place myself in the world (above or below you). But in the end, I am just who I am, and stripping away those stories unveils a more authentic me - something I drank to avoid gazing at.
We are marvels, aren't we - especially when we shine in the way that our HP meant us to shine
What no longer serves me needs to go. And it's not always easy. I have come to many realizations lately, and some sting, and some I walked away with a sense that "yeah, I knew that all along". A lot of what I am shedding is ego-driven. So a lot of humility these days. Painful. But it helps me.
One thing that I have noticed is that the stories I tell are how I identify myself ("Oh, I'm not a handy man - I can't do that") and how I place myself in the world (above or below you). But in the end, I am just who I am, and stripping away those stories unveils a more authentic me - something I drank to avoid gazing at.
We are marvels, aren't we - especially when we shine in the way that our HP meant us to shine
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 812
Originally Posted by paul99
I have found myself putting my life long stories under a microscope lately...so this thread is exactly where I am at in my journey. Delusions are the lies I tell myself and believe. And many of them are the kind I would justify by saying "well, I was just bornthat way." I am seeing that so, so many of the things I used as a playing card are just plain wrong. The stories I whip up about myself, looped endlessly, are just that - stories. Sure, I can't change the fact that I am 5'10", there are many things I can change if I am willing to believe and willing to strip away the crusty facades.
What no longer serves me needs to go. And it's not always easy. I have come to many realizations lately, and some sting, and some I walked away with a sense that "yeah, I knew that all along". A lot of what I am shedding is ego-driven. So a lot of humility these days. Painful. But it helps me.
One thing that I have noticed is that the stories I tell are how I identify myself ("Oh, I'm not a handy man - I can't do that") and how I place myself in the world (above or below you). But in the end, I am just who I am, and stripping away those stories unveils a more authentic me - something I drank to avoid gazing at.
We are marvels, aren't we - especially when we shine in the way that our HP meant us to shine
What no longer serves me needs to go. And it's not always easy. I have come to many realizations lately, and some sting, and some I walked away with a sense that "yeah, I knew that all along". A lot of what I am shedding is ego-driven. So a lot of humility these days. Painful. But it helps me.
One thing that I have noticed is that the stories I tell are how I identify myself ("Oh, I'm not a handy man - I can't do that") and how I place myself in the world (above or below you). But in the end, I am just who I am, and stripping away those stories unveils a more authentic me - something I drank to avoid gazing at.
We are marvels, aren't we - especially when we shine in the way that our HP meant us to shine
Now that I think about it, there is a lot of step 6 in this. Being entirely ready can be a long process. I can hold onto self-loathing, self-pity, laziness, self-righteousness, evasiveness, denial, etc. and perhaps these delusions are comforting to me in some ways. I guess that's why step 6 uses the expression that it "separates the men from the boys."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
The main lie I told myself was that I didn't matter. This is mostly why I put myself in the position to be harmed. I always knew I was very intelligent and pretty but that didn't make me think I mattered.
I had very low self-esteem which has since been replaced by God-esteem (an inside job.) It was only in doing the steps I came to find compassion for others and myself...Inrealized God loved everyone equally and we are all worth the same...and that meant I was good enough too. I finally believed it, and in AA we come to believe and then we know.
I had very low self-esteem which has since been replaced by God-esteem (an inside job.) It was only in doing the steps I came to find compassion for others and myself...Inrealized God loved everyone equally and we are all worth the same...and that meant I was good enough too. I finally believed it, and in AA we come to believe and then we know.
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