Chief25

I just got a sponsor 2 days ago and it seemed like a really good fit, but now he's telling me that I just need to keep going to meetings and this will take a lot of time and we will go to the next step when he feels that I am ready. Huh? Isn't my sponsor's job to guide me through this process and not control it? Totally disagree with him, though I didn't say that but probably will tomorrow. I have already done the first 3 steps which are pretty straightforward, so why would I make myself suffer any longer and delay this process? I just don't see the benefit here. I admitted I was powerless and my life was unmanageable and explained in detail on the phone about 20 min ago...soooo what's the holdup? He said I'll be on Step 1 for weeks or months. Makes no sense to me.

Also, the Big Book never said to keep going to meetings and take your time. What he's telling me totally goes against what the creators of this program suggest and did. They said to take immediate action, once you have been detoxed, which lasts 2-3 days. I'm on Day 31 and ready to get all this junk out of my mind and receive the spiritual awakening. I have great respect for his sobriety (which is a long time), but am I wrong here? I see no reason to take my time through the steps and feel it will just make me suffer for no apparent reason. Should I look for a new sponsor?

RumHound

You might have a thorough discussion with your sponsor. You seem pretty clear on what you want

MIRecovery

I did not work the steps until I was sober almost a year. It took that amount of time before my brain cleared sufficiently to truly understand what working the steps really meant

Hawks

You've barked up the wrong tree sponsor wise.

In the big book it tells any AA member precisely when to press on with the 4th after the 3rd.

"Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us.

get someone who knows what is in the book.

Chief25

I think so too.

Thank you. Always like to hear what worked for others. I don't think this is the case for me though.

Glad to see someone agree and thank you for that excerpt, I'm going to use that when I speak to him. I'm pretty new at this so I really don't know anything but what's in the book, but nothing he was saying made sense to me, nor followed what the book states. I luckily found 2 back to basics meetings in my area, so hopefully I'll hear something there that I like.

Still want to read more viewpoints from others so please chime in!

paul99

It's your recovery, not his.

Find someone who is willing to take you through the steps quickly to help you find the relief you seek. A new sponsor will probably want to review those first three steps, but there is no reason not to strike while the iron is hot

Ken33xx

There it is.

sugarbear1

are you familiar with the doctor's opinion and We Agnostics?

I'd find someone else to work with and remember, the sponsor is working with a power greater than them, also, so it's not "all" of the sponsor's ideas floating around, but if this sponsor only knows a slow way, I'd keep my eyes open to another sponsor who can work with you.


"Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us...." page 64

skg

I have a bit different perspective on this. Firstly, I don't know what the new sponsor's side of the story is, but I do know there's another side.

I go to Open Meetings inside a rehab facility every day. There's a mandate by those in rehab to get a sponsor immediately--even if they don't understand the relationship--and many simply want a name on the paper so they can fill the check-box. There's also that "90 in 90" mentality which, in alcoholic terms means, "Alcohol is our greatest advocate. We don't need to prove anything." There's nothing like 'fast' sobriety and impatience to 'get cured.'

I doubt the OP would ask me to sponsor him, because I believe that "humility at depth" means becoming willing to go to any lengths. Step One is the only step that needs to be done 100% every single day. A foundation of honesty--rigorous honesty--is easy to say, quite another to live. If I were the sponsor, I'd want to understand the OP's perceptions of what that means, as well as Steps Two and Three. It's not 1935 anymore.... "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path..."

OP. Whatever path is chosen, please consider that the best ideas of the past, the best decisions of the past, are why you're in AA. Honesty, OPENMINDEDNESS and willingness are essential.

Suggestion: Start taking suggestions...

RobbyRobot

Rigorous honesty, and the results achieved, drove me to complete the program in 3 months. Waiting around for "depth" has gotten more members drunk than it has ever saved, is my thinking and my experience with others in AA.

As for step one being the only step required to be done 100% every single day, this is untrue for me. I need all the steps in play each day. They are all inter-connected and they all serve a single purpose: they all bring me a spiritual fitness which ensures my sobriety is sound.

Of course, we're all different in many ways from each other, and yet it is our common illness and our common purposes in sobriety which bind our fellowship as members of AA.

FWIW, its never about depths of whatever. Rather, its always about results in sobriety. Results are everything. Results speak loudest.

Carlotta

I so agree with you Robby. "Waiting for depth" is sometimes just an excuse to procrastinate or giving in the fear of facing ourselves and the damage our alcoholism has wrecked in our and others' lives.
When I came back, I did not wait but got immediately into step work because I knew from experience that it worked. The obsession to drink was lifted almost immediately.

Chief25

This is how I see it too. I'm completely ready to turn this over to my HP and be completely honest with myself. I feel I should strike while the iron is hot. All the waiting will just have my mind continue to go crazy and increase the chance of a relapse. I'm glad to see some agree with my stance in how the steps should be worked. But I also greatly appreciate the other viewpoints and it has given me something to step back and think about.

legna

I hear this regularly in meetings, as many of us do. Never did agree. How would an alcoholic pick up a drink if they did the third step 100% even if they had reservations about step one?

I knew was an alcoholic and was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable long before I put the bottle down.

skg

Well, lucky for me, I don't have to defend my experience, right? In all honesty, I expected some push-back because it's an unpopular position, and given my experiences with 'fast sobriety,' I'll maintain my position. There's nothing like a sponsee telling me how I am going to deliver The Steps so they can get sober. As I said, there's an entire half of the story I don't see, so I'm basing this on my experience with newly sober people who want what they want when they want it.

Am I hastily declaring this gentleman cannot get sober? Nope. I pray that he does. I see demands, not desperation. That's my perspective, and humility--that leveling of pride--is a key ingredient to success, in my experience. Feel free to argue amongst yourselves.

Legna said: It happens everyday when someone with 8 years or 18 years or 23 years goes back out because they believe they are no longer powerless over alcohol. I am convinced it is the main reason for all "slips" as Silkworth suggested. Stop doing what's necessary and relapse happens.

Carolotta said: Not what I was referring to, and probably my hasty communication. I would want to talk to this sponsee, find out where his head was at, what his circumstances are, what his story was, etc., before taking his word for having done the first three steps. If you want what I have, do what I did.

Robby said: Not DEPTH. HUMILITY at depth. Big difference. I finished the program in three months as well, because I was determined. But I was willing to do what I was told, read what I was told, write what I was told, and go where I was told. Willing to follow directions.

This is my point. Two days after meeting a sponsor, the sponsee is ready to fire him because the sponsor isn't doing what the sponsee wants? Seriously? I didn't know anything when I started the steps, and I would have missed out on A LOT of valuable insight if I insisted that I knew how the first three worked.

In any event, I'll stay sober. Okay. Bring the rain!

paulokes

I'll second that thought Chief...it's your recovery.

The Desire Has to Come from Within so if you have it, use it before you lose it.

Good luck in the journey, hope you keep us posted.

P

RobbyRobot

Humility is experienced or it isn't. Humility at depth is not a better quality. So for you a difference exists as in more is better? For me, humility at any depth is humility all the same.

I too followed directions, not because I had humility, or required humility, but because my sponsor had what I wanted - a recovered life free from alcoholism. He and I worked program together as equals. I'm okay with being on equal footing with others.

Being determined didn't get me through the program in three months. Being successful with each step as I went on to the next simply took me three months. Determination is a useful skill, a useful attitude to be sure, and yet I can remember using determination to get drunk too when I was drinking, so for me, determination is not such a big deal after all. Its really about results being realized and building on those results again and again that makes an important enough difference.

And importantly, no one is having an argument with you, or anybody else, that I can see. Suggesting we argue amongst ourselves is just coming from where? Hurt feelings?

andyroo72

I totally agree with the idea that it's your recovery. I think it's totally cool for you to approach it in your own way. Maybe the simple reality is that this particular sponsor just isn't a good fit for you?

Personally, I'm taking the steps incredibly slowly. I haven't even begun to feel 100% solid on step one. But then, I'm a total ******** artist, especially to myself, and that is taking time to unravel. I really don't put too much weight on precisely what the Big Book says. No book is going to apply to 100% of people 100% of the time. Take care.

skg

Robby said: Sorry, not biting, Robby. Have a good day!

RobbyRobot

Well, I'm not baiting you, skg. Have a good day as well.