Soberpotamus

Oh I'm just shaking my head and laughing to myself right now. Not really even bothered at all. I had to share with you all. I called my grandfather on the phone just now to make my amends to him - a formal apology for some arguments in the past that were upsetting to him. The phone call devolved into an argument itself!

Well, I can say with certainty that my initial reaction to this is to laugh and see the humor in the situation. I'd say that's a step in the right direction.

Lesson of the day: I have no control over how others choose to respond to me, even when I am doing the "right" thing.

RobbyRobot

May as well see the humor. Its not always possible to have our amends accepted. Sorry it turned out the way it has. Good to see your taking the higher road, Jennie.

Soberpotamus

I never even got to the "amends" part! Lol. I'll have to wait a few days and call him back.

Soberpotamus

I'm sure he'll shrug it off like it's nothing. He'll probably minimize and diminish any apology on my part. That's my prediction. I'm going to do it anyway!

Fly N Buy

A crab in a barrel of crabs?? Yea, I get it!

Once one states clearly - "I was wrong for xyz....." with no buts or conditions regardless of his culpability - he can choose to say whatever he feels like. At that point, you have attempted to make him whole and are washed clean. Then it's between him and God.

Good Luck in round two!!
peace

Soberpotamus

Thanks Flynbuy I'll need it. Lol.

Soberpotamus

Any sort of clarity, dissolution of denial, direct communication I attempt with my family backfires on me. Acceptance of reality and that I can't change their dysfunction is part of my awareness in sobriety.

Soberpotamus

They see me through their own lenses, and always have. The "real" me is there but they don't want to see it. It's sad.

hopeful4

You can only do your part, you cannot make another person do the right thing. Good for you.

Soberpotamus

I'm examining my part of the phone conversation in my mind... and seeing some things. I see my default response of taking the "defense" and putting up the wall of "competence" and "strength" so that I am not attacked and criticized or minimized. And realizing how I'll respond differently if I make another phone call to him this week. It's tricky dealing with family who don't understand clear boundaries and who trample all over the core of your being. There's the automatic actions to protect yourself, yet with this new awareness I have of my "patterns" I see some distinct ways I can pause just before, and not react to the perceived attack. I can allow them to be them - dysfunctional, boundary crossing, denying, and projecting - without feeling the need to defend anymore. I know who I really am. I always did. My problem seems to be that I've always felt the need to declare who I REALLY am to the people who abused me. And to declare my rights to defend myself. Once I make these amends I never have to speak to them again if I don't want to. They have continually trampled on me and tried to change me. Never accepted me for who I am. Never. If they weren't blood I'd have ditched them years and years ago.

I don't need to defend myself verbally to abusers. I can hang up the phone. I know I'll feel guilty at first, because that is what they are good at. Making me feel crazy.

There is no need for me to have to deal with people who have continually caused my gut to clench up in knots.

hopeful4

You know you don't have to call right? A letter will do just fine, you can say what you want, when you want, and not be interrupted.

Soberpotamus

Yeah, I know I don't have to do a thing. I choose to before he dies. I want to KNOW I did my part, with him anyway. The others can disappear off the face of the earth and I won't mind.

aasharon90

Hi SoberJennie.....question for ya....

Are you close to your grandfather at all?
How often do you see him or visit him?

Sometimes, it may take someone to see
us in person or see our faces when we make
our amends. To go to another with genuine
purpose to say Im sorry that this happened,
or I apologize for my behavior, for them to
see it in our face that we are being sencere
about our apology means more than words
can say. Sometimes actions speak louder
than words. If that makes sense.

To make amends for ourselves helps us
heal and grow from our past actions that
may have hurt another.

If you are satisfied with your amends and
you sincerely honestly mean it, then you
are ready to move forward in your growth
in recovery.

For each amend we make, we learn from
it, grow from it and we will know next time how
difficult it is to make those amends and not
make some of those same mistakes we made
in the past again down the road. Right?

Soberpotamus

AASharon, he has not wanted me to visit him the past year. I have an entire thread on here discussing this. We were close my whole life, yes. My husband and I have called him off and on for the past year to get the ok to go down for a visit and each time he gives the excuse that he's either sick or the weather is bad. It's nothing more than an excuse, I know him well. He is pushing me away from him finally. And we aren't sure why. I think it's because my mom is dead, and I finally got sober. My family is sick.

aasharon90

I understand SoberJennie.....it appears
you have done what you need and want
to do in your recovery program to move
on in your recovery life.

All I can do for my family is place them
in the Hands of the Man upstairs for keeping
and care which allows me to do other important
things in my recovery life. It definitely takes
the weight off my shoulders, heart, mind and
soul.

Stay strong as you continue on your journey.

Music

Bingo!

Boleo

Amends serves a lesson in learning the principle of Detachment:

Recognizing our part (only our part)
Doing our part (no more - no less)
Then detaching from the outcome.

"It should not matter, however, if someone does throw us out of his office. We have made our demonstration, done our part. It's water over the dam."

(page 78)

Gottalife

I believe amends is a very special part of the AA program. Though fraught with risk for the unprepared, amends as suggested in the book is a great example of restorative justice.

Admission; we admit our wrongs

Contrition: we are sorry for what we have done and have changed our ways by putting our lives on a different path

Restitution: we ask what more can we do to put matters right, then we do whatever we agreed to do to put things right.

Forgiveness: may come through our practical demonstration that we have in fact changed

Reconciliation: is often possible when we are forgiven and trust has been restored.

Or, as once happened to my sponsor, the required restitution was "never darken my door again". He had done his bit. If he had got in an argument over that, it would have added another amends to the list.

jdooner

SJ - Have you completed the first 8 steps? I made amends early and I did not fully understand the process. I caused more damage and when I didn't I was clearing my conscious not setting things right. Amends are tricky and if working a 12 step program should be discussed with your sponsor first to make sure the intentions are genuine. I take this serious as a sponsor as mine did with me. Many of my amends that I thought I would have to make turned out to be living amends as I would only serve to hurt the other person.

Perhaps you can look at this event as an opportunity to regroup and go through things with your sponsor?

Soberpotamus

I've finished the Steps, jdooner. Again, thanks for your suggestion. I am now in Steps 10 - 12, maintenance steps. And have been for a while.