Riverbird

Does anyone have any good, quick one-liners to get out of a gossip situation? There are multiple gossipers in my area that apparently find me approachable. It's gotten me in trouble multiple times because I enjoy talking to them, but then the conversation switches to talking about someone else. If I reply at all I risk having them go to someone else and say that I was talking about people behind their backs. I guess technically I was, but only a short response. I try to keep my answer simple, and stick to stuff I would be fine saying to the person to their face. I really work hard to keep that my rule...so that if anything does get repeated I don't have to worry about it. (Except for with my sponsor, but that's different). Even still my words are getting twisted and it's frustrating!

So what do I say when someone comes up to me talking about someone else? Is it possible to stay out of the drama? Also, is it possible to help someone who is having an issue with another person (when I'm friends with both of them), without it turning into gossip and drama?

Dee74

I defend my boundaries.

If someone is intent on inveigling me in gossip, I tell them I'm not interested in talking about other people behind their backs.

They generally get the message.

D

tomsteve

pretty simple for me:
"Its not my business and I don't want to hear it."

Ken33xx

I often find outside of meetings I have little in common with members. When we do have coffee conversation usually turns towards sobriety, meetings and members. Do I gossip? Yes but I am careful about who I talk with and what I talk about. I have mentioned in other threads about an AA member I work with that creeps me out. I really needed to talk with another member about how to handle this and did.

SoulSister

Quote Riverbird :"Please help me not gossip!"


I had a sponsor that told me that when people come up to you and gossip that you can recite tradition one. She said that baffles them!

Just start quoting big book, and ask them what step they are on, ha ha ha... just kidding.

She was serious about reciting Tradition One.

"Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity."

Say that the next time you hear gossip.

Say we cause a lot of damage with our words and it is best to stick to our own stories.



"We families of Alcoholics Anonymous keep few skeletons in the closet. Everyone knows about the others’ alcoholic troubles. This is a condition which, in ordinary life, would produce untold grief; there might be scandalous gossip, laughter at the expense of other people, and a tendency to take advantage of intimate information. Among us, these are rare occurrences. We do talk about each other a great deal, but we almost invariably temper such talk by a spirit of love and tolerance.

Another principle we observe carefully is that we do not relate intimate experiences of another person unless we are sure he would approve. We find it better, when possible, to stick to our own stories. A man may criticize to laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but criticism or ridicule coming from another often produce the contrary effect. Members of a family should watch such matters carefully, for one careless, inconsiderate remark has been known to raise the very devil. We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap."

Chapter 9 - The Family Afterward, Alcoholics Anonymous

Riverbird

I use that if it's really blatant...like "Did you hear about what ____ did?!" I struggle more when someone comes to me and says something like, "R said ____ to me and I'm really upset! Can you believe she would do that?" If I just say I'm not interested in talking about people I'm being an ass to the friend that's upset. But if I respond and say anything about it, I'm at risk of that friend later going to R and saying I was saying stuff about her.

It's no wonder I used to spend so much time alone! lol Social stuff is complicated!

SoulSister

My sponsor used to say, "what you have is an opportunity", when I mentioned a problem.

Let's say next time someone comes to you to mention their problem with another person that you could state, "what you have is an opportunity".

"You can put this person in column 1 and work through the inventory process for resentments."

When someone complains to you...direct them to take action.

You can help show them how to work through these issues by pointing them to the steps.

You can show them how to apply the steps to these problems that they are coming to you over.

To be helpful is our only aim.

Dee74

If someone comes to me upset, and it's within my power to, I try to help. That's not gossip, or contributing to it.

But If someone comes to me and says I'm really upset because of what that ---- said or did to me, I'd want to be really sure it was my business before I waded in.

sometimes just listening enigmatically is enough...or steering the conversation onto to safer topics.

pointing out the situation from the point of view of the person being gossiped about will usually kill the gossip stone dead too

D

Sugah

A woman used to call me to complain about her old home group. Over the course of a few weeks, I uncovered that her complaints of "abuse" in this group had to do with other members calling her out for gossiping.

I got to the point with her that as soon as she'd bring up other people in the conversation, I would let her know: I will talk with you about you, or about your part in a situation, but I will not help you take another's inventory. She quit calling.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

sugarbear1

talk to your higher power about this

Patriciae

I would suggest simply sharing with the gossiper this:

I am not comfortable talking about this, lets change the subject please.
If they choose not too and continue gossiping, then excusing oneself and walking away....is called "Taking care of you and your own recovery"

fraankie

it happened to me
a freind told me some group members were gossiping about me
but
the thing is
when confronted, people will get defensive
they won't admit it
they'll deny it
which makes it fruitless to resolve

an aa freind told me
"what other people say about me is not my business"
so i went with that
and
as expected issues change, the groups change, etc

"Is it possible to stay out of the drama?"
yes, don't reply
change the focus to recovery
and don't try to be a mediator

you know, something i use is
treat your friens like family,
and your family like friends

if it isn't nice, don't say it


best fraankie

Tommyh

what they do(or say) is none of my business

if you find yourself enganged in gossipp,turn in the big book tothe sick mans prayer and pray for the one you gossipp about

those are my instructions from my sponsor

if you tell someone enough it ain`t none of your business when they try to get you to gossip they will eventually leave you alone.

when I gossip about others or other AA groups I am outside tradition 4,step 3 and the slogan live and let live

soon,I pay a price for my gossip

muvinon

Yes, but that is part of rejoining life......learning how to handle it. I have stuck my foot in my mouth more than once, giving me ample opportunities to feel the needed pain of spiritual growth.

What seems to work the best is to listen more and keep opinions out of my comments as much as possible.