I am a liar
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 11
I am a liar
I just realized how much of a liar I am, and how far I have gone to maintain my deception, as well as starting to realize how it is hurting my recovery.
I lie with almost every thing I do not say about myself. I am not ok, and haven't been ok for a long time.
I went as far as to study body language, tonality, mannerisms to the point where I used to speak at conferences teaching other guys how to appear to be stronger than they are.
My last job was a Director at a company where I traveled around the country meeting with executives. I have for DUI's and no license, in addition to being on probation at the time.
I worked directly with the company owner who had no idea. I would take a plane to a bus to a train to another bus to get to meeting locations early enough to take a hobo bath in the bathroom, change into a suit, give the concierge my stuff, and meet with other executives.
I got fired when I got promoted and my boss, whose job I had also been doing, was fired and proceeded to tell the owner about my condition.
I run a lot of things socially such as political groups, a charity, and peer groups. I hide how weak I am from everyone.
I am typing this from a cracked Android outside of the person's house that allows me to sleep on their couch.
Nobody knows how afraid I am inside. Nobody knows I am surviving on beans and rice, R'amen noodles, and pasta from ebt that hasn't gone through.
I don't know how to stop this. I wish there was a meeting right now, and had to get this out.
Maybe this is the honesty that will finally allow the benefits of sobriety to start.
I lie with almost every thing I do not say about myself. I am not ok, and haven't been ok for a long time.
I went as far as to study body language, tonality, mannerisms to the point where I used to speak at conferences teaching other guys how to appear to be stronger than they are.
My last job was a Director at a company where I traveled around the country meeting with executives. I have for DUI's and no license, in addition to being on probation at the time.
I worked directly with the company owner who had no idea. I would take a plane to a bus to a train to another bus to get to meeting locations early enough to take a hobo bath in the bathroom, change into a suit, give the concierge my stuff, and meet with other executives.
I got fired when I got promoted and my boss, whose job I had also been doing, was fired and proceeded to tell the owner about my condition.
I run a lot of things socially such as political groups, a charity, and peer groups. I hide how weak I am from everyone.
I am typing this from a cracked Android outside of the person's house that allows me to sleep on their couch.
Nobody knows how afraid I am inside. Nobody knows I am surviving on beans and rice, R'amen noodles, and pasta from ebt that hasn't gone through.
I don't know how to stop this. I wish there was a meeting right now, and had to get this out.
Maybe this is the honesty that will finally allow the benefits of sobriety to start.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Houston Texas
Posts: 1,003
When I sobered up, I wanted to get life's pressing concerns addressed, and then I would work the steps, etc.
It just never worked out.
Finally, I put the right order in place. Sobriety first. Recovery first. Deal with other issues honestly one day at a time. And it all sorted out.
It just never worked out.
Finally, I put the right order in place. Sobriety first. Recovery first. Deal with other issues honestly one day at a time. And it all sorted out.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
There's so much freedom to be had just by being honest. I never have to remember the truth. I've lied also and have paid the price by giving up inner peace trying to remember what I said and to whom, and by carrying around the guilt of the lies I've told. I've told my wife I'm going to be like an open book with her and the people around me. A clear window with nothing to hide and although sometimes it's hard to admit to myself and others how screwed up I was and still am at times, at least the lies aren't there and there's so much help available by disclosing who I really am. Honesty really is the best policy.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
It all depends how you interpret a lie. You hid things because you were afraid and had a drinking problem. I see a lie as a big fat untruth that is used for gain by the stone cold sober, 100 times worse. So don't beat yourself up and call yourself names 
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
My Big Book study meeting was last night and we were just starting Chapter 6: Into Action again. Your post reminds me of what we read:
"More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it.
The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his senses, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension - that makes for more drinking." - Page 73, Alcoholics Anonymous First Edition.
I was struck again last night of how well these two paragraphs summed me up pre-recovery/pre-AA. For me, a result of the spiritual experience is that there is mostly just one of me these days and I am happier for it. I think the 5th step was a big push down this path.
"More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it.
The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his senses, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension - that makes for more drinking." - Page 73, Alcoholics Anonymous First Edition.
I was struck again last night of how well these two paragraphs summed me up pre-recovery/pre-AA. For me, a result of the spiritual experience is that there is mostly just one of me these days and I am happier for it. I think the 5th step was a big push down this path.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Yeah but don't beat yourself up about it. Guilt and shame are negatives. Always sent me back to the bottle. You don't get up in the morning and think, 'I am going to go around all day and pathologically lie to all and sundry about everything.' You just kept your secret from them. Big difference. I called it the fear and oddly, I have heard many others call it that too 
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Originally Posted by keithj 
My experience in living in accordance with spiritual principles seems to require a much more rigorous definition of honesty than just not telling blatant lies. YMMV.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Something I learned about lies was that the lies that hurt me the most were the ones where I knew I should be telling the other person but I kept it from them. Bare faced lies usually come to a head and are far less damaging to all concerned than the lies where nothing even needs to be said for it to be a lie.
As for your post I can completely relate. I worked the steps and saw what I needed to see about myself, from there it s up to you. You won't have to go as far as to tell your friend he looks like sh@t when he asks your opinion on how he looks in his/her new outfit which would more suit a sack of potatoes but you will stop hiding so much and stop running...really from there anything is possible.
Go for it!
As for your post I can completely relate. I worked the steps and saw what I needed to see about myself, from there it s up to you. You won't have to go as far as to tell your friend he looks like sh@t when he asks your opinion on how he looks in his/her new outfit which would more suit a sack of potatoes but you will stop hiding so much and stop running...really from there anything is possible.
Go for it!
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
I remember when I first got sober and realized what a liar I was. Being honest was a major character defect for me.
Many times I had to stop midsentence because what I was about to say was nothing but a lie. That doesn't happen nearly as much today.
Thanks for your post. I can relate. The fact you are aware of this a big first step.
What is your plan?
Many times I had to stop midsentence because what I was about to say was nothing but a lie. That doesn't happen nearly as much today.
Thanks for your post. I can relate. The fact you are aware of this a big first step.
What is your plan?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 891
Hitting rock bottom and getting honest with ourselves are prerequisites to taking Step 1.
Whether you are a liar or not is besides the point and irrelevant right now. By all means list it in step 4. The question now is are you an alcoholic presenting the hallmarks of alcoholic behavior and what are going to do about it.
Your current situation (broke, unemployed, sleeping on a couch) is the outcome of choices you made but are ultimately secondary to you not picking up. Take Step 2 and 3 and you'll soon see this reality.
It will get better.
Whether you are a liar or not is besides the point and irrelevant right now. By all means list it in step 4. The question now is are you an alcoholic presenting the hallmarks of alcoholic behavior and what are going to do about it.
Your current situation (broke, unemployed, sleeping on a couch) is the outcome of choices you made but are ultimately secondary to you not picking up. Take Step 2 and 3 and you'll soon see this reality.
It will get better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Originally Posted by KateL
It all depends how you interpret a lie. You hid things because you were afraid and had a drinking problem. I see a lie as a big fat untruth that is used for gain by the stone cold sober, 100 times worse. So don't beat yourself up and call yourself names
Know When Someone is Lying: 7 Types of Lies | The Fast Track
P
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,945
Originally Posted by DancingAcct
I just realized how much of a liar I am, and how far I have gone to maintain my deception, as well as starting to realize how it is hurting my recovery.
I lie with almost every thing I do not say about myself. I am not ok, and haven't been ok for a long time.
I went as far as to study body language, tonality, mannerisms to the point where I used to speak at conferences teaching other guys how to appear to be stronger than they are.
My last job was a Director at a company where I traveled around the country meeting with executives. I have for DUI's and no license, in addition to being on probation at the time.
I worked directly with the company owner who had no idea. I would take a plane to a bus to a train to another bus to get to meeting locations early enough to take a hobo bath in the bathroom, change into a suit, give the concierge my stuff, and meet with other executives.
I got fired when I got promoted and my boss, whose job I had also been doing, was fired and proceeded to tell the owner about my condition.
I run a lot of things socially such as political groups, a charity, and peer groups. I hide how weak I am from everyone.
I am typing this from a cracked Android outside of the person's house that allows me to sleep on their couch.
Nobody knows how afraid I am inside. Nobody knows I am surviving on beans and rice, R'amen noodles, and pasta from ebt that hasn't gone through.
I don't know how to stop this. I wish there was a meeting right now, and had to get this out.
Maybe this is the honesty that will finally allow the benefits of sobriety to start.
I lie with almost every thing I do not say about myself. I am not ok, and haven't been ok for a long time.
I went as far as to study body language, tonality, mannerisms to the point where I used to speak at conferences teaching other guys how to appear to be stronger than they are.
My last job was a Director at a company where I traveled around the country meeting with executives. I have for DUI's and no license, in addition to being on probation at the time.
I worked directly with the company owner who had no idea. I would take a plane to a bus to a train to another bus to get to meeting locations early enough to take a hobo bath in the bathroom, change into a suit, give the concierge my stuff, and meet with other executives.
I got fired when I got promoted and my boss, whose job I had also been doing, was fired and proceeded to tell the owner about my condition.
I run a lot of things socially such as political groups, a charity, and peer groups. I hide how weak I am from everyone.
I am typing this from a cracked Android outside of the person's house that allows me to sleep on their couch.
Nobody knows how afraid I am inside. Nobody knows I am surviving on beans and rice, R'amen noodles, and pasta from ebt that hasn't gone through.
I don't know how to stop this. I wish there was a meeting right now, and had to get this out.
Maybe this is the honesty that will finally allow the benefits of sobriety to start.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,949
i was a liar before I took my first drink. Alcohol only made me lie about how much I drink. I still tell a fib on occasion...don't we all? Hell ill lie about what I had for lunch if I can't remember it. don't beat yourself up
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Originally Posted by caboblanco
i was a liar before I took my first drink. Alcohol only made me lie about how much I drink. I still tell a fib on occasion...don't we all? Hell ill lie about what I had for lunch if I can't remember it. don't beat yourself up
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
I'd never rally thought about it before , but yeah , i lied a LOT !
I suppose i had to , so things couldn't interfere with my drinking.
Aaah such freedom and you are right whoever said you don't have to remember the truth . Xx
I suppose i had to , so things couldn't interfere with my drinking.
Aaah such freedom and you are right whoever said you don't have to remember the truth . Xx
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