AA anonymity broken
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 540
AA anonymity broken
This just happened and I need to know whether I'm overreacting and how I should handle this.
Background: I live in a very small town. When I first got sober a year ago I began attending meetings in a town 30 miles from where I live, mainly because I was paranoid about my anonymity. I didn't want to run into anyone I knew, especially a client (I'm in the health care field).
After I had a few months of sobriety under my belt and felt more confident about AA and my sobriety, I began attending weekly meetings in my town. That became my home group. I like the group very much and I stopped being so concerned about who I might see there. In fact I do have some clients at my meeting, and it's no big deal. My sponsor is actually a client.
At work, I have a client who I don't know very well or see very often. I'll call him Jim. To my knowledge, Jim is not in AA. Apparently, Jim and I have a mutual friend/aquaintence who is in my home group. I'll call this person Larry. Larry has been in and out of AA for years. He is currently sober over a year.
The last time I saw Jim (client), several months ago, he mentioned something about Larry, acknowledging that we both knew him. I said, yes, I know Larry, but did not say how I knew him and dropped the subject. Theoretically I suppose I could've know him from the bar or somewhere in town.
Today client Jim calls me at work with a work-related question, then says to me, "and by the way, happy birthday. Larry said you had a birthday last month." I was like, whaaattt!! He was talking about my AA sobriety birthday, which only AA members of my home group and my parents know about. And, apparently, those people that Larry decides to tell.
I told Jim (politely) that I was offended that he knew information about me that was supposed to be confidential in the context of the "organization" to which I belonged. (this was at work with people listening of course). I said it was inappropriate of Larry to be discussing me with nonmembers and that I never wanted this brought up again.
Jim apologized and said that Larry didn't mean anything by it, he was just happy for me and was saying how nice I was.
So, I'm angry, hurt, and disappointed that alcoholics anonymous, isn't. I was ok with meeting clients and other people I may know from the "outside" in the rooms, but not ok with having my business discussed with "outsiders" by someone who should absolutely know better.
AA has given me hope and stregth in sobriety, and I don't want to give it up or be petty, but it took A LOT of faith and trust for me to go to a meeting in my home town, and now I feel it's broken. I know AA is made of flawed humans like myself, but geez, anonymity please? It's right in the name!
Im going to talk to my sponsor about this tonight.
Ok rant over. I'm getting better at letting things go and not making a big deal about stuff, but this really bugs me. Overreaction? Advice?
Background: I live in a very small town. When I first got sober a year ago I began attending meetings in a town 30 miles from where I live, mainly because I was paranoid about my anonymity. I didn't want to run into anyone I knew, especially a client (I'm in the health care field).
After I had a few months of sobriety under my belt and felt more confident about AA and my sobriety, I began attending weekly meetings in my town. That became my home group. I like the group very much and I stopped being so concerned about who I might see there. In fact I do have some clients at my meeting, and it's no big deal. My sponsor is actually a client.
At work, I have a client who I don't know very well or see very often. I'll call him Jim. To my knowledge, Jim is not in AA. Apparently, Jim and I have a mutual friend/aquaintence who is in my home group. I'll call this person Larry. Larry has been in and out of AA for years. He is currently sober over a year.
The last time I saw Jim (client), several months ago, he mentioned something about Larry, acknowledging that we both knew him. I said, yes, I know Larry, but did not say how I knew him and dropped the subject. Theoretically I suppose I could've know him from the bar or somewhere in town.
Today client Jim calls me at work with a work-related question, then says to me, "and by the way, happy birthday. Larry said you had a birthday last month." I was like, whaaattt!! He was talking about my AA sobriety birthday, which only AA members of my home group and my parents know about. And, apparently, those people that Larry decides to tell.
I told Jim (politely) that I was offended that he knew information about me that was supposed to be confidential in the context of the "organization" to which I belonged. (this was at work with people listening of course). I said it was inappropriate of Larry to be discussing me with nonmembers and that I never wanted this brought up again.
Jim apologized and said that Larry didn't mean anything by it, he was just happy for me and was saying how nice I was.
So, I'm angry, hurt, and disappointed that alcoholics anonymous, isn't. I was ok with meeting clients and other people I may know from the "outside" in the rooms, but not ok with having my business discussed with "outsiders" by someone who should absolutely know better.
AA has given me hope and stregth in sobriety, and I don't want to give it up or be petty, but it took A LOT of faith and trust for me to go to a meeting in my home town, and now I feel it's broken. I know AA is made of flawed humans like myself, but geez, anonymity please? It's right in the name!
Im going to talk to my sponsor about this tonight.
Ok rant over. I'm getting better at letting things go and not making a big deal about stuff, but this really bugs me. Overreaction? Advice?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
Originally Posted by Sobersunshine 
So, I'm angry, hurt, and disappointed that alcoholics anonymous, isn't.
Originally Posted by Sobersunshine
Im going to talk to my sponsor about this tonight.
a southern belle
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: tennessee
Posts: 265
Sunshine...I totally agree with you and had the exact same feelings and almost exact instance occur!!! Yes...I am proud to be among my aa friends but, it should be my choice to extend my participation to whom I see fit!!! I too am in healthcare and those who aren't don't get the fact that we are sometimes judged harder for our addictions and mistakes!!! Especially in early recovery when we feel virtually naked and exposed!!! I sucked it up and chucked it up as an idiot encounter and it hasn't happened again! Good luck to you and be proud of yourself regardless....good love...mags
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
I can't speak from experience on this, so this is just an opinion.
I understand your frustration and anger. But it seems a large leap to impugn AA as a whole for the misguided actions of one member. Resentments within the walls of the rooms is common. I had several AA groups and individual members on my first inventory. I can't imagine not having someone from AA on an inventory...lol.
I think the idea of speaking to your sponsor is a great one - they might have some experience with this and/or appropriate advice. Speaking to "Larry" might be something your sponsor suggests. Larry might truly have been coming from sincerity, but not of the traditions.
Love to hear how this turns out.
I understand your frustration and anger. But it seems a large leap to impugn AA as a whole for the misguided actions of one member. Resentments within the walls of the rooms is common. I had several AA groups and individual members on my first inventory. I can't imagine not having someone from AA on an inventory...lol.
I think the idea of speaking to your sponsor is a great one - they might have some experience with this and/or appropriate advice. Speaking to "Larry" might be something your sponsor suggests. Larry might truly have been coming from sincerity, but not of the traditions.
Love to hear how this turns out.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
As soon as you said ur sponsored by a client red flags went up for me.
That guy should not have broken ur anonymity and it sounds like he had good intentions but it sounds like u have a few boundary issues that may be contributing. I have always tried to keep my aa life and other parts of my life separate as it all can get a bit murky especially so in a small town where people talk.
I had an aa friend whose step grand kids were taught by an aa member (was their teacher) and that person said some horrible things to the grand kids about her - they lived in a small town too. She left aa for awhile and joined NA. Stayed sober but took her ages to get over the resentment. Personally I would have made a complaint to the school but she was newly sober and didn't have the confidence.
People talk in aa, it's a fact. Over the years I have learnt that there are things I can do to keep myself safe and separating my work life and personal life is definitely one of them.
Don't think for a moment I am saying it's your fault either as I am not. But we can't control the actions of another, only our own.
That guy should not have broken ur anonymity and it sounds like he had good intentions but it sounds like u have a few boundary issues that may be contributing. I have always tried to keep my aa life and other parts of my life separate as it all can get a bit murky especially so in a small town where people talk.
I had an aa friend whose step grand kids were taught by an aa member (was their teacher) and that person said some horrible things to the grand kids about her - they lived in a small town too. She left aa for awhile and joined NA. Stayed sober but took her ages to get over the resentment. Personally I would have made a complaint to the school but she was newly sober and didn't have the confidence.
People talk in aa, it's a fact. Over the years I have learnt that there are things I can do to keep myself safe and separating my work life and personal life is definitely one of them.
Don't think for a moment I am saying it's your fault either as I am not. But we can't control the actions of another, only our own.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: West midlands
Posts: 54
It's totally unacceptable. It does not matter if you are ashamed or not it is like a nurse gossiping badly about patients totally wrong.That is the point of therapy confidentiality and privacy it's like sleeping with other patients and abusing drugs and alcohol outside
The group.When you go to your doctor it would not be professional of him to bad mouth you and your issues!!!!
The group.When you go to your doctor it would not be professional of him to bad mouth you and your issues!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: West midlands
Posts: 54
People take the **** know a days about a lot of issues that they don't understand I.e mental health problems depression etc the point is you are seeking professional help. I always felt bad about my depression guilt etc it took a long time to a. Get help. And b. try to recover but I went down the right path.I still hate the illness what it has done to me how it had nearly destroyed my life body and health.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by Marktg34
It's totally unacceptable. It does not matter if you are ashamed or not it is like a nurse gossiping badly about patients totally wrong.That is the point of therapy confidentiality and privacy it's like sleeping with other patients and abusing drugs and alcohol outside
The group.When you go to your doctor it would not be professional of him to bad mouth you and your issues!!!!
The group.When you go to your doctor it would not be professional of him to bad mouth you and your issues!!!!
Alcoholics come from all walks of life. It's time people acknowledge that. Instead of stereotyping.
But yes it was wrong without your permission. But people are people everywhere u go. Human
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Sounds as if you are developing a resentment. And you are granting power to that individual. Your sobriety is more important than that, sunshine. After all, we in the fellowship are a bunch of drunks, not Congress. If we weren't sick, we wouldn't be here. There can be but one focus in our lives and that is our sobriety and the spiritual health required to maintain it. Today is the day we must live in.
Attitude of gratitude,
Warren
Attitude of gratitude,
Warren
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I got sober in a place that has a population of 35.000, some people kept their anonymity and others didn't...
I had a few occasions where i would be standing with people new into the rooms, like i was, and they would blurt out that i was going to meetings with them to people i knew i didn't really want to know, i.e. potential clients. In the end i gave up as it was too much hassle to try and manage so some people knew i was in AA and some didn't.
I had a few occasions where i would be standing with people new into the rooms, like i was, and they would blurt out that i was going to meetings with them to people i knew i didn't really want to know, i.e. potential clients. In the end i gave up as it was too much hassle to try and manage so some people knew i was in AA and some didn't.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Keeping the fact that I'm an alcoholic to myself in situations outside of AA, or unless it might possibly help another alcoholic - have absolutely nothing to do with embarrasment or shame. I have no shame about being a recovering/recovered alcoholic. I have sense enough to know that the rest of the world doesn't view alcoholism as I (or we in AA) do, and in the wrong hands that information can be very damaging. I experienced it in early recovery, and learned a lot. I also learned that more often than not the times I wanted to break my anonymity, it was usually out of some sort of pride, ego, or because I wanted to feel just a little bit different, or better. I respect the traditions of AA. Anonymity is important to me. I don't break my own, and I don't break others.
As for the situation in the OP, I've a feeling he/she (don't know the poster) will navigate it just fine. Unfortunately, this is the way life is. People are people and in a perfect world, nobody will ever break our anonymity. In the real world, it's almost bound to happen. It's happened to me more than once. I simply make it clear to that person, in a nice way, that I don't tell people outside of AA that I used to have a drinking problem. IME it's never been done maliciously, it's never really hurt me in the long run, it's been done with good intent... but it's been done out of stupidity. Some people just don't get it, and they need to be told. I'd talk to Larry, and then let it go. I can almost guarantee he'll never do it again. If it was bothering me enough, I'd bring it up at my homegroup too. As a gentle reminder that it shouldn't be done, and if anyone is going to do it, to NOT ever do it with me.
Oh yeah... Jim, I believe just got caught in the crossfire. If you were harsh with him, I'd explain in a nicer way, why. And make ammends if I really snapped. It sounds like his intentions were truly thoughtful. But that's just me.
As for the situation in the OP, I've a feeling he/she (don't know the poster) will navigate it just fine. Unfortunately, this is the way life is. People are people and in a perfect world, nobody will ever break our anonymity. In the real world, it's almost bound to happen. It's happened to me more than once. I simply make it clear to that person, in a nice way, that I don't tell people outside of AA that I used to have a drinking problem. IME it's never been done maliciously, it's never really hurt me in the long run, it's been done with good intent... but it's been done out of stupidity.
Some people just don't get it, and they need to be told. I'd talk to Larry, and then let it go. I can almost guarantee he'll never do it again. If it was bothering me enough, I'd bring it up at my homegroup too. As a gentle reminder that it shouldn't be done, and if anyone is going to do it, to NOT ever do it with me.Oh yeah... Jim, I believe just got caught in the crossfire. If you were harsh with him, I'd explain in a nicer way, why. And make ammends if I really snapped. It sounds like his intentions were truly thoughtful. But that's just me.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Step 3 asks us to make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
One of the things I turned over to God's care and protection was the care for and protection of my anonymity. Up until that point, I didn't trust God with it. It was another area of my life where I was trying to run the show, convinced I knew what was best for me. As a financial planner I was SURE it would be horrible if one of my clients, for whom I managed all their money, to find out I was an alkie - in recovery or not.
After I made that 3rd step decision in this area of my life, not surprisingly, people started finding out. I wasn't so paranoid about protecting my secret recovery life and I figured if someone found out....that was on God to handle.
Long story short, I had clients calling me after business hours for advice on what to do with their kids......or their spouse....or their grand-kids. I got birthday cards from co-workers on my AA birthday and, after it was "out" the whole office was decorated and we all had cake and ice cream on my AA b-day......just like on my bellybutton birthday.
Cutting to the chase......once I put my trust in God and quit trying to manage my anonymity and hide I can tell you that not ONE SINGLE time did it come back to hurt me. To the contrary, the only feedback I got was overwhelmingly positive. In a couple cases, I'm convinced my clients brought me MORE money to manage after they found out I was a former alkie but now active in recovery.
Not to make light of your feelings or situation but I was in the same spot and it may not be the big problem you feel it is. Once I started practicing some faith in God, things got easier and troubles got smaller and further between. Also, I didn't have to 4th/5th step as many resentments because I wasn't getting any in that area of my life anymore. If someone "talked behind my back" I just trusted that that's the way it's supposed to be. And like I said above, this method hasn't failed me one single time yet.
One of the things I turned over to God's care and protection was the care for and protection of my anonymity. Up until that point, I didn't trust God with it. It was another area of my life where I was trying to run the show, convinced I knew what was best for me. As a financial planner I was SURE it would be horrible if one of my clients, for whom I managed all their money, to find out I was an alkie - in recovery or not.
After I made that 3rd step decision in this area of my life, not surprisingly, people started finding out. I wasn't so paranoid about protecting my secret recovery life and I figured if someone found out....that was on God to handle.
Long story short, I had clients calling me after business hours for advice on what to do with their kids......or their spouse....or their grand-kids. I got birthday cards from co-workers on my AA birthday and, after it was "out" the whole office was decorated and we all had cake and ice cream on my AA b-day......just like on my bellybutton birthday.
Cutting to the chase......once I put my trust in God and quit trying to manage my anonymity and hide I can tell you that not ONE SINGLE time did it come back to hurt me. To the contrary, the only feedback I got was overwhelmingly positive. In a couple cases, I'm convinced my clients brought me MORE money to manage after they found out I was a former alkie but now active in recovery.
Not to make light of your feelings or situation but I was in the same spot and it may not be the big problem you feel it is. Once I started practicing some faith in God, things got easier and troubles got smaller and further between. Also, I didn't have to 4th/5th step as many resentments because I wasn't getting any in that area of my life anymore. If someone "talked behind my back" I just trusted that that's the way it's supposed to be. And like I said above, this method hasn't failed me one single time yet.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 3,323
Originally Posted by DayTrader
Step 3 asks us to make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
One of the things I turned over to God's care and protection was the care for and protection of my anonymity. Up until that point, I didn't trust God with it. It was another area of my life where I was trying to run the show, convinced I knew what was best for me. As a financial planner I was SURE it would be horrible if one of my clients, for whom I managed all their money, to find out I was an alkie - in recovery or not.
After I made that 3rd step decision in this area of my life, not surprisingly, people started finding out. I wasn't so paranoid about protecting my secret recovery life and I figured if someone found out....that was on God to handle.
Long story short, I had clients calling me after business hours for advice on what to do with their kids......or their spouse....or their grand-kids. I got birthday cards from co-workers on my AA birthday and, after it was "out" the whole office was decorated and we all had cake and ice cream on my AA b-day......just like on my bellybutton birthday.
Cutting to the chase......once I put my trust in God and quit trying to manage my anonymity and hide I can tell you that not ONE SINGLE time did it come back to hurt me. To the contrary, the only feedback I got was overwhelmingly positive. In a couple cases, I'm convinced my clients brought me MORE money to manage after they found out I was a former alkie but now active in recovery.
Not to make light of your feelings or situation but I was in the same spot and it may not be the big problem you feel it is. Once I started practicing some faith in God, things got easier and troubles got smaller and further between. Also, I didn't have to 4th/5th step as many resentments because I wasn't getting any in that area of my life anymore. If someone "talked behind my back" I just trusted that that's the way it's supposed to be. And like I said above, this method hasn't failed me one single time yet.
One of the things I turned over to God's care and protection was the care for and protection of my anonymity. Up until that point, I didn't trust God with it. It was another area of my life where I was trying to run the show, convinced I knew what was best for me. As a financial planner I was SURE it would be horrible if one of my clients, for whom I managed all their money, to find out I was an alkie - in recovery or not.
After I made that 3rd step decision in this area of my life, not surprisingly, people started finding out. I wasn't so paranoid about protecting my secret recovery life and I figured if someone found out....that was on God to handle.
Long story short, I had clients calling me after business hours for advice on what to do with their kids......or their spouse....or their grand-kids. I got birthday cards from co-workers on my AA birthday and, after it was "out" the whole office was decorated and we all had cake and ice cream on my AA b-day......just like on my bellybutton birthday.
Cutting to the chase......once I put my trust in God and quit trying to manage my anonymity and hide I can tell you that not ONE SINGLE time did it come back to hurt me. To the contrary, the only feedback I got was overwhelmingly positive. In a couple cases, I'm convinced my clients brought me MORE money to manage after they found out I was a former alkie but now active in recovery.
Not to make light of your feelings or situation but I was in the same spot and it may not be the big problem you feel it is. Once I started practicing some faith in God, things got easier and troubles got smaller and further between. Also, I didn't have to 4th/5th step as many resentments because I wasn't getting any in that area of my life anymore. If someone "talked behind my back" I just trusted that that's the way it's supposed to be. And like I said above, this method hasn't failed me one single time yet.
If I am asked how I know someone, I answer church, and that answer has always worked.
Nobody has been surprised because they knew I was an alcoholic long before I did.
There are many medical professionals in AA in Washington, D.C. When I stated that this area had more alcoholics than anywhere in the world, the lady next to me said, "I thought it was Dublin".
The most successful professionals that I know in AA use their last name in the meetings.
How could Dr. Bob keep his anonymity. He didn't and he was honored at the highest levels and still is.
I have the disease of alcoholism, mildly bi-polar, thyroid, heart, diabetes, prostate cancer. I get a lot of info. about all of these by breaking my anonymity and I will be 82 next month as a result. There are only 2 people in my meetings who are older than me. The oldest is 91 and everybody knows who he is and honors him for his 56 years of recovery.
That's my story and you are entitled to yours. Sober since 04.06.1986.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,903
I have had people I know ask me
are you still going to those meetings?
I said yes.
how they found out is a mystery to me
yep,sounds like a resentment to me
our group reads this before the closing prayer as a reminder
the anonymity of each person here is a prized possession over which he or she has control.We ask you to respect this right by not revealing by name those in attendance at this meeting,however,feel perfectly free to discuss any thoughts or ideas you may have gained
are you still going to those meetings?
I said yes.
how they found out is a mystery to me
yep,sounds like a resentment to me
our group reads this before the closing prayer as a reminder
the anonymity of each person here is a prized possession over which he or she has control.We ask you to respect this right by not revealing by name those in attendance at this meeting,however,feel perfectly free to discuss any thoughts or ideas you may have gained
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Originally Posted by Sobersunshine
I told Jim (politely) that I was offended that he knew information about me that was supposed to be confidential in the context of the "organization" to which I belonged. (this was at work with people listening of course). I said it was inappropriate of Larry to be discussing me with nonmembers and that I never wanted this brought up again.
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