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Old 07-07-2013, 01:51 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Looking from some advice.
I was 5 years sober, and got a sponsor about 4 years into recovery. We had almost made it through the steps when I picked up a drink earlier this year.

I rang her, and we discussed the slip, and I rang a few more times, but then stopped. I stopped AA, and got on with the business of drinking. I then booked into see an addiction specialist, and have recently started attending AA again, maybe 1 meeting every couple of weeks, but I have yet to go back to my home group.

Probably inappropriately I was upset that my sponsor did not try to contact me at all, and in the bigger picture only 1 person from my home group actually texted me to see if I was okay. Sure it was pride and all the rest, but I felt hurt that I just disappeared off the scene, and it was like I had never even been there.

Rambling, now, my question, is my sponsor still my sponsor, how would you take things forward. My addiction specialist is suggesting a new sponsor.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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Old 07-07-2013, 02:06 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pixy View Post
Looking from some advice.
I was 5 years sober, and got a sponsor about 4 years into recovery. We had almost made it through the steps when I picked up a drink earlier this year.

I rang her, and we discussed the slip, and I rang a few more times, but then stopped. I stopped AA, and got on with the business of drinking. I then booked into see an addiction specialist, and have recently started attending AA again, maybe 1 meeting every couple of weeks, but I have yet to go back to my home group.

Probably inappropriately I was upset that my sponsor did not try to contact me at all, and in the bigger picture only 1 person from my home group actually texted me to see if I was okay. Sure it was pride and all the rest, but I felt hurt that I just disappeared off the scene, and it was like I had never even been there.

Rambling, now, my question, is my sponsor still my sponsor, how would you take things forward. My addiction specialist is suggesting a new sponsor.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
My initial thought is that you achieved sobriety with no sponsor for 4 years.

How do you think you achieved this?

May I also add that I developed many relationships in AA that I thought would ensure caring, and it just didn't happen.

I found that when I drank, they dropped me, fast and hard.

I found there is no friendship, true friendship, in a "sponsor" and that I learned not to rely on any human being.

There are a few people that love me unconditionally and I turn to them.

I think the problem with human relationships is that there are conditions...judgement..

I'll only love you if... I'll only help you if...
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Old 07-07-2013, 05:07 AM   #3 (permalink)
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"Rambling, now, my question, is my sponsor still my sponsor, how would you take things forward. My addiction specialist is suggesting a new sponsor. "

I would say the 1st thing to do is a personal inventory on why you are upset no one calls you. have YOU picked up the phone and called anyone?

to move forward, I would say to get back to youre homegroup and talk to the one that was your sponsor.
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Old 07-07-2013, 05:20 AM   #4 (permalink)
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i think you would need to ask your old sponsor if she wanted to sponsor you again if you wanted her too or
you do have the choice of getting a new one
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Old 07-07-2013, 05:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
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seems best for you to find a new sponsor

Quote:
Originally Posted by pixy View Post

is my sponsor still my sponsor, how would you take things forward.

My addiction specialist is suggesting a new sponsor.
I don't think that your old sponsor is still your sponsor

unless you want them to be

that would require a phone call on your part

I think that a good sponsor would have worked with you a little closer

seems best for you to find a new sponsor


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Old 07-07-2013, 05:34 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I've sponsored a couple guys who went back out. Experience has taught me that I can't help if the help isn't wanted, so I let them alone and just call every couple weeks. That's how I deal with it.

My suggestion to you is call your old sponsor, go back to your home group and get honest and check your motives for feeling let down. What did you expect people to do. I don't hang around people who drink. Not that the booze bothers me. I just don't like being around drunks who're acting stupid. I don't need the drama. I was told early on that I'm not God and I don't have the right to stand in the way of someone hitting their bottom. By the way, IMO, you didn't have a slip. You decided to drink again. Something caused you to make the decision that drinking was the answer. When you find out what caused that thought, you'll make progress toward not taking that next drink.
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Old 07-07-2013, 05:54 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Sorry you feel let down by people in AA pixy.I have found people in life
let me down if I have expectations of them.

I go to AA primarily for myself,if I can help someone else in their journey in sobriety that is an added bonus.

If people go out and drink again I detach with love,I can't cope with the drama that goes with the drinking,it affects me in a bad way.I don't continue to call and text them.I have to protect my own sobriety

If you go back to your original group you will without doubt be welcomed back,the hand of AA will be there for you.

Wishing you well.
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Old 07-07-2013, 07:51 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Did they really let you down? We're you really part if the group? I'm asking cuz there are three parts to the AA solution. I've believe to call myself a real member i need to be part o all three: recovery, unity and service. Recovery is - am i actively applying all the princilpes of all the steps to my life? Unity is - am i acive in the fellowship? And service is - am i active in helping others? If I'm not active in those three areas, I'm letting myself down and my group down.....and I'd have to really consider if I'm a real member.....or am I just a fan in the stands....watching? And if I'm not really part if the group because I'm not really part of the program, it's not on the other members to force me in and hold me there....or to drag me back in.

Bill W referred to Ebby as his sponsor - even tho Bill stayed sober and Ebby didnt. What I'm getting at is she's your sponsor if the two of you agree she is. So, you're going to need to talk to her.

Like Music wrote - I don't force my sponsees to work the program or even to stay in it. It's their life and it's their call. If they want to be "in" and want my help. - I'm there. If they don't want to work it and they want out - I let them go. They're adults and they're responsible for themselves. It's hard to let someone go especially when I think they really NEED the program....but I can't run their life for them no matter how right I think I am.
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Old 07-07-2013, 08:10 AM   #9 (permalink)
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One of the first things I learned about being a sponsor is that it's not about control. It's not about do this or do that or else. It's about sharing and careing. My first sponsor told me, "people don't care how much you know, they want to know how much you care." Just because I let someone go, doesn't mean I don't care. However, at some point I have to make a decision as to whose sobriety is most important. Mine, or the other person's? Talk to your sponsor, go back to your home group and get honest. It just might save your life.
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Old 07-07-2013, 11:38 AM   #10 (permalink)
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A wise lady told me once the way she sponsors is to offer a sponsee a suggestion.
The next time the sponsee calls with the same problem she would ask "Did you try
my suggestion ?" If the reply was "No" she would say why don't you try it and
call me back afterwards.

When the sponsee finally did the suggestion the problem was usually resolved.
If it wasn't then she would offer another suggestion.

"Our program is meant to be suggestive only." We put the food on the table.
It's up to you to serve yourself and eat it.
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Old 07-07-2013, 11:49 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Detaching with love was an unknown concept to me when I first started AA.

As I began to gain a little sober time and gave my number out to a few newbies, I would get quite frantic if I felt they were in trouble or stopped texting me.

I have gained a lot of wisdom from my sponsor in this respect. She doesn't continually phone or text those members we know have gone back out. She really cares about them, I've seen her close to tears on a few occasions. But she waits until they're ready. She welcomes them back when they do but she doesn't chase them. And she's got 14 years sober, so I know she's doing something right!x
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Old 07-07-2013, 12:06 PM   #12 (permalink)
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It's taken me about a year now of sponsoring to get to that point of detachment with love as well. I too got warped when someone didn't call me or get back to me via phone or text, etc. Like Music said, I am not God, so I am not going to get in the way when someone is determined to go downhill.

I think we all like to think (ego that is) that if we don't show up one day to our homegroup that they we will deluged with flowers and cards and well wishes and concerned calls and texts. It doesn't work that way. While I certainly notice when certain people aren't there at my HG, I just assume that they are working, or sick, or on vacation, or life got in the way. People come in and out of the program often - it's almost part of being in the fellowship to see others ship out or come back in. I just don't have the time to monitor everyone. So in that regard, it's not that people don't care.

And as mentioned, being a part of the group, being open, being available, being active...these are the things that get us closer to others and to the group. It allows us to be of service...and that is where people will "notice" you more. But the one thing I have learned is that getting attention and acceptance from others isn't going to make me happy in the end. That comes from within.

Give your old sponsor a ring. Hammer this all out. See where your feet land
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Old 07-07-2013, 03:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pixy View Post
Looking from some advice.
I was 5 years sober, and got a sponsor about 4 years into recovery. We had almost made it through the steps when I picked up a drink earlier this year.

I rang her, and we discussed the slip, and I rang a few more times, but then stopped. I stopped AA, and got on with the business of drinking. I then booked into see an addiction specialist, and have recently started attending AA again, maybe 1 meeting every couple of weeks, but I have yet to go back to my home group.

Probably inappropriately I was upset that my sponsor did not try to contact me at all, and in the bigger picture only 1 person from my home group actually texted me to see if I was okay. Sure it was pride and all the rest, but I felt hurt that I just disappeared off the scene, and it was like I had never even been there.

Rambling, now, my question, is my sponsor still my sponsor, how would you take things forward. My addiction specialist is suggesting a new sponsor.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.


a sponsor is just another tool of the program
and there are some great folks that do this every well and there are some folks who do not
that is just a fact
I relapsed after 13 years
I spent the last two years out of AA altogether
no one in AA is responsible for my recovery but me
God is not even responsible
I had to get honest about why I decided to drink again
that was simple
I quit doing anything at all to keep me sober
I thought I was too smart to drink! Talk about insanity returning
why should your sponsor call to check on you? I do not call folks that go back out I pray for them then leave them to face there own decision
why should I enable some one
I refuse to p;ay little alcoholic mind games nor to be manipulated
you are the one who drank you are the one who needs to do the phone calls
be fore I drank again I was the "queen of the yea, butts"
I fired sponsors that dared to tell me the cold hard facts
quit playing games and get to your home group get a sponsor that is going to
share their experience, strength, and hope get into the big book and start over
today I have been sober again almost 15 years
my relapse saved my life!!
I know that if I do not do what is laid out in the big book I will drink again
I am NOT cured
hope you make it
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Old 07-07-2013, 03:44 PM   #14 (permalink)
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My initial thought is that you achieved sobriety with no sponsor for 4 years.

How do you think you achieved this?

May I also add that I developed many relationships in AA that I thought would ensure caring, and it just didn't happen.

I found that when I drank, they dropped me, fast and hard.

I found there is no friendship, true friendship, in a "sponsor" and that I learned not to rely on any human being.

There are a few people that love me unconditionally and I turn to them.

I think the problem with human relationships is that there are conditions...judgement..

I'll only love you if... I'll only help you if...
boy there is a big difference in being dry and being sober
I have been on so many dry drunks my first go around in AA
I had victim stamped to my forehead
I was so full of self pity and most of it came for refusing to get out of co dependent relationships
I wanted to tell my sad stories I did not want solutions
just because some one goes with out a drink for 4 years does not mean they have taken step one
the example of the guy in the big book who had not drank for 25 years is a good one
but he never accepted he was an alcoholic
he died with in 4 years of returning to drink
AA is not a baby sitting service
I first crawled into AA back in 1982 if I wanted to drink
the good folks at my home group did not try to talk me out of it
they laughed and said
go drink, then if you live through it
come on back and tells us how good it is LOL
I needed my butt kicked I was so messed up back then I could not find my rear end with both hands!
If I knew so much about staying sober on my own I would have 31 years instead of 15
if you are waiting for folks in AA to chase you down you might have a long wait
AA is for folks who want it
not for folks who need it
today I want AA
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Old 07-07-2013, 03:56 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grammydeb View Post
a sponsor is just another tool of the program
and there are some great folks that do this every well and there are some folks who do not
that is just a fact
I relapsed after 13 years
I spent the last two years out of AA altogether
no one in AA is responsible for my recovery but me
God is not even responsible
I had to get honest about why I decided to drink again
that was simple
I quit doing anything at all to keep me sober
I thought I was too smart to drink! Talk about insanity returning
why should your sponsor call to check on you? I do not call folks that go back out I pray for them then leave them to face there own decision
why should I enable some one
I refuse to p;ay little alcoholic mind games nor to be manipulated
you are the one who drank you are the one who needs to do the phone calls
be fore I drank again I was the "queen of the yea, butts"
I fired sponsors that dared to tell me the cold hard facts
quit playing games and get to your home group get a sponsor that is going to
share their experience, strength, and hope get into the big book and start over
today I have been sober again almost 15 years
my relapse saved my life!!
I know that if I do not do what is laid out in the big book I will drink again
I am NOT cured
hope you make it
Welcome to SR GD
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Old 07-07-2013, 04:11 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pixy View Post
... my question, is my sponsor still my sponsor, how would you take things forward. My addiction specialist is suggesting a new sponsor.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
It is obvious that sponsor failed to do you much good. Who is at fault is not worth analyzing. You should look for a new sponsor ASAP. One who is more proactive.
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Old 07-07-2013, 04:48 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Just because some label is on something doesn't make it so. I have at least 3 people who asked me to sponsor them, got together with them, they were enthused, and I really haven't heard much at all since then. I do not know if they moved to another sponsor (which is fine), going to another meeting (which is fine) or simply are embarrassed to call.

I don't consider myself sponsor in these situations. Same thing with people in the meeting. Just because I see them, I'm not necessarily friends. I wouldn't begin to presume that it would be OK to call and ask, "Why aren't you at the meeting?" I assume that people are doing great, even if I do not see them, unless I hear otherwise.

When I have developed real friendships in the program, then naturally, they call, know what's going on, etc. I leave those who choose to drink again to their own choice. I know they know they can trust me, call me, and I also know...they do not want that.

I think you have a great idea here about what did NOT work so well for you the first time in AA and some direction here as to what you can change.

Want a friend? Be a friend. Want a close sponsor relationship? Be a teachable sponsee.
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Old 07-07-2013, 05:15 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pixy View Post
Looking from some advice.
I was 5 years sober, and got a sponsor about 4 years into recovery. We had almost made it through the steps when I picked up a drink earlier this year.

I rang her, and we discussed the slip, and I rang a few more times, but then stopped. I stopped AA, and got on with the business of drinking. I then booked into see an addiction specialist, and have recently started attending AA again, maybe 1 meeting every couple of weeks, but I have yet to go back to my home group.

Probably inappropriately I was upset that my sponsor did not try to contact me at all, and in the bigger picture only 1 person from my home group actually texted me to see if I was okay. Sure it was pride and all the rest, but I felt hurt that I just disappeared off the scene, and it was like I had never even been there.

Rambling, now, my question, is my sponsor still my sponsor, how would you take things forward. My addiction specialist is suggesting a new sponsor.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
I have a couple thoughts, and since you asked for advice, I’ll give you some!!

First of all, welcome back to sobriety. It takes courage to take the first step and ask for help. I noticed you wrote that you are going to an AA meeting “every couple of weeks.” Why so infrequently? It is suggested by most that you go to a meeting daily in early sobriety. One can debate whether the “90 meetings in 90 days” is in the literature, but one can’t debate the success of people who do it. I couldn’t have gotten sober without the daily meetings. My mind just kept telling me to stop at the store and get a drink. But maybe that’s just me. In my opinion, a meeting every couple weeks will not be effective.

Next, a word about your home group. Honestly, I haven’t relapsed (I realize that I am eligible!). I have a good AA friend who has several times, and she has shared with me that going back to her home group, admitting she relapsed, and getting her 24 hour chip is one of the most humbling experiences she has ever had. I ask you to consider, Is your pride keeping you from your home group? If so, swallow your pride, eat a slice of humble pie, go back to your home group and get a chip!!

Lastly, about you sponsor. I disagree with the notion that you wouldn’t have relapsed if your sponsor was more attentive. No sponsor is responsible for the results of their work with a sponsee. The results of program work are up to the sponsee and their higher power. However, if you feel that you’re not able to learn from you sponsor, you may want to consider a different sponsor, if another would be more helpful. I chair a meeting in a women’s prison, and last week one of the attendees shared “When I get out of here, I’m gonna find me a sponsor who can keep me sober!” My response to that is “Well good luck honey, cuz that ain’t how it works!!” The phone call needs to come from you, picking up the phone is a sign of willingness, your willingness to work on the program. A sponsor can't be expected to work with anyone who cannot show willingness. My sponsor invests time in me, she has other women who would like her to sponsor them, but she only has so much time available. The least I can do is be willing to make an effort and do the work, right? Are you willing to do the work?

Keep coming back. Peace and love.
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Old 07-07-2013, 05:40 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by UncleMeat69 View Post
Welcome to SR GD
thanks!
I am very happy to be here
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Old 07-08-2013, 12:20 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: London Uk
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I asked for advice and you guys sure did give it to me!

I think acceptance of having a problem has always been hard. I chose not to drink, but never really got that I was an alcoholic. Even now, I can't quite smash through, and so everything else feels false. I think that is why I went to see an addiction specialist. I wanted him to say, yes you are an alcoholic. It doesn't really work like that though.

It was hard to read some of the replies, but they were all true. In almost 6 years of AA, I have always kept myself at a distance, not really sharing, not doing chairs. Always feeling a fraud, and maybe not allowing people to get close in case they discover I really shouldn't be here.
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