Caldus

So I guess I'm hitting my next major road block of things. I have been finding myself really brewing up resentments towards my home group (no person in particular but just against people who know me well enough by now) and my sponsor lately. I'm a very socially awkward person and I had a hard enough time even coming to AA meetings in the first place. But now that I've been around for a while, I feel like people are just laughing at my social awkwardness anytime we go out somewhere and it just makes me feel so much worse than how I was feeling before the meeting. I have such a tough time connecting with people and always say the worst things to people at the worst times. I feel like people are just having fun with me and have no idea how much it hurts when they do that.

I guess I just have so many strong resentments about this kind of stuff that I have been carrying around for so long that I don't know how to laugh it off with them. I was imagining myself punching certain people in the face after the fellowship was over. God I feel like I'm so sensitive that that's what's finally going to cause me to go back out. I can't imagine being able to talk about this candidly with my sponsor in the 5th step. I just can't. I feel like he's just going to laugh and then use these things with the rest of my home group. I've come to see a lot of things that are similar to other alcoholics I meet in the rooms, but I still just feel like no one can relate to particular resentments and fears I have. I've never seen one person talk about social awkwardness in the rooms (it's just such a taboo topic) so I can never fully relate with people if that makes any sense. I still feel like I am this whole separate category of alcoholics apart from the rest of the group.

Ugh, all it would take right now is a drink at the local bar to make all of this go away. Except I'm back to living in hell again. I feel like I have to choose between hell in drinking or hell in sobriety. I feel so alone and isolated even in AA. I don't want to disappoint my family by going back out either. I feel like sometimes I care about that more than I care about myself.

paul99

Sorry to hear that you are feeling this way, Caldus.

If it makes you feel any better, I had several particular groups on my 4th, plus several member of said groups on my 4th. I am surprised I didn't have my sponsor on that list. I think it's common to have these sort of feelings. I can only speak for myself, but I was a social misfit and always felt that I never got the manual for social interaction. And it's not like there is a course in how to share in AA or be around other AA's. We feel around in the dark when it comes to that. It part of our growth in getting outside of ourselves and doing the things that make us groan. Take a cursory glance around SR and there are many posts and threads discussing how awkward people feel in the rooms, especially newcomers.

I am not sure what the experience is from those people you feel are laughing at you. Certainly your take is probably being refracted through the lens of resentment and self-criticism. Also, setting yourself from the group and other alcoholics is treading into "terminal uniqueness" territory, and you don't want to go there. Obviously we are unique individuals with our own strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, etc. but we do share a common problem...and a common solution. Trying to make a division between ourselves and others takes us away, rather than trying to find the common thread and identifying with others.

I don't know what sort of advise to give you. I would say speak to your sponsor, but he's right in the middle of it, in your mind. But I would perhaps still talk to him about it. I am sure he is going to give you a very different outlook on it (oh yes he will... ). And it might be a way to build further trust with him...you're gonna need it if you choose to do your 5th with him.

Kathleen41

Ohh, that's a tough one. It's nothing that a drink will help though. I can see how it would be very hurtful for people to laugh at you, if that is what's going on.

I have felt similarly at times. I have to look inside and do a fourth step and get to where my part was in it, what was my instinct being threatened by their behavior? When I do that honestly I learn its my baggage from the past that's causing the resentment, not their behavior.

Is is possible they are not laughing at you at all? That you are so fearful of rejection you are creating it? My sponsor always says whatever you fear most will come true, because of the energy you are channeling at it.

I have also learned people pay a lot less attention to me than I ever imagined, and they have much better things to think and talk about. It's not all about me!! I really used to think it was. Like if someone forgot to call me, OMG, they must not like me, I shouldn't have said that, my mind goes on a trip, all the time. Here, their cat got hit by a car, and they had other stuff to deal with!! It had nothing to do with me.

Furthermore, what other people think of me is none of my business!!
I am me, and I am done with my attempts at people pleasing, (another issue of mine, maybe not yours!!)

Perhaps take a little break and visit some other groups. Try to talk to your sponsor about this because this is a big potential bump in the road. I was really hesitant to when I had this problem. Because I figured she knew these people longer and was closer to them than me. But I'm so glad I did, she had some similar experiences and gave me good advice, and was able to watch out for me a bit. I hope you get past this and stay sober!!

Kathleen41

Oh, and another thing. Try not to compare yourself to others in the group, try to identify with them.

Comparing leads to seeing and feeling differences. If we learn to look for things we identify with, we can see how similar we are, and feel a sense of belonging.

This takes a little effort in retraining the mind, but it is working well for me.

muvinon

When I was in new sobriety, I had to instinctively stay away from some personalities in AA, because they were just too harsh or unthinking around newcomers. I'd get upset. Like you, I understood I was especially raw and vulnerable. I had faith, too, that would get better. It has.

I had to limit how much socializing I did, too. It was too exhausting at times to bump into those types.

Those same people today don't bother me. They still are harsh and unthinking, too. lol I just am a lot more healed and can let it roll off my back.

Of course, nobody was doing anything intentional. It's just that some people are not great around new people.

Seek out the people who relax you, bring out your sense of trust.

2granddaughters

Forming huge resentments against my sponsor and home group

I don't have to form resentments, they seem to pop up on their own like dandelions.

What I do have to do is take the necessary action to address the flowering resentment(s) by sharing them with my sponsor and the oldtimers... to get a "sane" take on my attitude.

My biggest problem is I tend to believe my own BS ideas.

All the best.

Bob R

tomsteve

"I guess I just have so many strong resentments about this kind of stuff that I have been carrying around for so long that I don't know how to laugh it off with them."

yer not alone. took me a while to be able to laugh at myself. happens quite often now!
what it took was workin the steps, thats what showed me what makes me tick and how to fix it.
the BB says we alcoholics are sensitive people and it can take time to outgrow(?) this sensitivity.


"I can't imagine being able to talk about this candidly with my sponsor in the 5th step. "

working the first 4 steps will prepare you for the 5th. but before ya go openeing up, PLEASE read the BB on who we chose to hear out story. i dont tel any sponsee they have to share their 4th step with me, but a comatose lithuanian isnt a good idea to do it with.

tomsteve

thanks, my friend. sometmes i get that unique feeling of uniqueness that this only hapens to me! :rotfxko

i have noticed that the longer i am sober and the more i practice the principles in all my affairs, the less it happens. but i also goaa accept i am human and it will happen, but there is a solution!

Db1105

You sound like me. Early in recovery my sponsor had to constantly remind me that feelings aren't facts. Just because the committee in my head was telling me that there was a mass conspiracy that the world was out to judge me, it didn't mean it was real. I was in bad company when left alone with my thoughts and feelings.

The only was I overcame it was by practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, etc., etc.. I had to keep putting myself in social situations despit my feelings. I had to practice having conversations with others despite my feelings of inadequacy and speech issues. I had to practice feeling ok dispite at times saying stupid or inappropriate things. The most important thing was I had to stop being so hard on myself.

The 12 steps and the Fellowship help me to accept myself as I am today. Even years later those feelings crop up at times. I've leaned that first of all , I'm a human being, and like everyone else far from perfect. That my way of dealing with me buy using alcohol or other chemicals does not fix me, it only makes it worse. And, some how it always comes back to the feelings aren't facts.

Hang in there. Continue working the steps with your sponsor. You will get better.

Music

Talk to your sponsor about how you feel....and....tell the people in your group you need help. Some of us came to AA without developing the social skills it takes to communicate without a couple drinks. I was the same way. I had to learn how to introduce myself and shake hands, accept compliments and also give compliments. Don't give up. It's just part of the growth process in sobriety.

paulokes

AA resentments taught me all about the real need to overcome my own difficulties - AA is my lifeline, can't afford to avoid meetings, can't change the people in them so I only have one option left...do or die time.

It is OK though I think to just avoid people for a while, change meetings for a while. These things can take a while to shift but when the opportunity arises I have to act.

In the meantime, we stay safe, stay sober and stay in the game...sooner or later, if we try, we become willing.

Take care

P

CaiHong

Hi Caldus,
So glad you posted about this. I don't have much to add to what has already been said just to say in my experience the longer I am sober the more socially at ease I feel.

My perceptions of people were really out of wack. I would act on those perceptions which must have been a bit baffling for people around me.

if you can,t approach your sponsor about this and if you don't feel confident with your sponsor maybe look at getting another sponsor as TomSteve suggested.

Hang in there

love
CaiHong

Caldus

Thanks everyone. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the feelings aren't facts thing. I've heard it before in a meeting but I guess I still have yet to really understand what that's about. I was looking up on Google on what sort of punishment I would receive if I were to punch someone. I keep thinking that eventually I'm just going to have to move on to another group so what's the point of doing this step work with my current sponsor who I'm starting to really resent and hate anyway? There's just never anything to look forward to anymore. I'm so bored all the time and have no life at all. I'm going to try and remember that I won't feel this way forever even though I think right now that I will (or at least for a very long time). That's also something I'm trying to get used to.

GracieLou

Is sounds like your resentments are being deflected to others that did not cause the feelings of resentment to begin with.

I think we all search for acceptance and approval and you feel you are not getting it because you think these people are treating you like others have in the past.

I was/am a very sensitive person. When I was younger I would cry or get upset at the drop of the hat. I had the cry baby label slapped on me at a very young age. It used to make me so angry that people did not understand that I was sensitive. That I felt truly upset about something. To them it was a trivial and stupid situation to cry over but to me it wasn't. It felt like I was made to think that feeling and letting those feelings out was a bad thing.

As I got older I went the complete opposite. I did not stop being sensitive and I still cried but I let no one see it. When I was hurt I hid it. When I cried. I cried alone. I built up a brick wall that nobody was going to get through or over.

The only emotion I did let loose now and then was anger. People knew when I was mad. Looking back now most of the time I was mad was because I was hurt. A hurt I thought no one would ever understand because so many had dismissed that hurt. "She is just a cry baby".

I was a living Desperado. If you don't don't know the reference to the song, look it up. That was me and it is still me.

I am so afraid of letting anyone in for fear my feelings will be dismissed. That is one of the reasons I did not work the AA program nine years ago. I would not open that gate.

This time I have opened the gate a little. I am coming off the fence, slowly and sometimes I jump back on it, but I am willing and I have the desire not only to stop drinking but to face all the hurt that put me behind that brick wall.

miamifella

If you want to get rid of the resentment you have to take some action. I would suggest telling your sponsor about this problem. You may have to go on to say things to other in the group.

I think this is an issue that is easier to speak to people with one-on-on rather than in a group.

Yes, this is scary. But if you do not take the risk to talk about what is bothering you to the people who can change it, the resentment will fester.

You can do this.

Kathleen41

Wow!! What growth you have had. Thank you so much for sharing honestly with us. This actually reminds me of my 16 year old son, who is going through a rough time right now.

Good luck with you recovery.

muvinon

Good for realizing, those feelings will change. And it's a challenge to get a sober life that's rewarding. Major life change going on!

Lots of people do share that they resented the heck out of sobriety. Why not ask those people who share that to sit down with you and have a cup of coffee and tell you what they did to change that attitude?

I bet you'll glean a couple of really good ideas, anyway. Not everyone comes to AA and gets happy as a lark immediately. In fact, those pink cloud people annoyed me to no end my first year. lol My first year was endless stress. About the best part about it? It was over in a year.

DayTrader

Very similar experience for me. The first AA group that I found that I actually LIKED I made my homegroup. It wasn't long before I started thinking I made a mistake. I started thinking that these folks weren't all that smart after all, weren't working the program that well after all, weren't "really" turning it over after all, and so on. I figured that, once again, I had been suckered in by my trust of others to trust in a bunch of ppl who were actually jerks.....and jerks full of crap to boot!

In my handful of years in AA I find most ppl go through this same thing. Except now I'm the guy they trust at first, then I'm the jerk who's full of it. LOL. That the same thing is happening to you simply tells me all the more that you're probably well qualified to be in AA meetings... We are a sensitive lot. Like a really sensitive radio antenna - able to pick up input from far away stations.....stations more "normal" antenna (people) never hear. It's good that you're able to recognize that you have this "ability" - something to go into your inventory about yourself (remember....inventory is a search for the truth about ourselves).


Like others have said, I don't have to create resentments.....they just seem to pop up on their own. Additionally, "not wanting to have these resentments" hasn't been enough to get rid of them nor to stop creating them - for me, anyway. The BB is in agreement where it reads something like "we couldn't wish these resentments away anymore than we could alcohol" in the 4th step.

From what I read in your post.....you're doing a lot of work here - and it's great to see. You're doing some 4th step in that you're seeing/recognizing some truths about yourself (I'm getting resentful at x, y, z). You're doing some 5th stepping (you're telling us about it). You're working your first step by seeing that these feelings are popping up on their own without a conscious thought to create them ( - that our lives had become unmanageable). And you're also working part of your second step in that you're seeing that this behavior is part of your insanity (1. it leads to an unmanageable life 2. it reminds you that drinking might/would fix things temporarily). You're even working part of the third step in the sense that you recognize this sort of thinking/behavior isn't aligned with the spiritual path you're trying to stay on and in seeing that if it continues, it could have the power to knock you completely off (ie, get drunk again).

I think you're doing GREAT.......you're working the program IN YOUR LIFE. Where I see you might find some relief is in the rest of step 2: believing that a Power greater than you CAN and WILL solve this dilemma for you and in part of steps 6 and 7: being entirely willing to have God remove this shortcoming (and sometimes we like to hold onto our shortcomings because we get a payoff from them.......or we're afraid to let go of them simply because they're like a security blanket for us, even though they hurt us) and then humbly asking God to do just that.

--Very observant of you to notice that ppl don't always talk about what's REALLY going on at tables. God knows I've been guilty of going into a meeting and everything that comes out of my mouth is an attempt to get ppl to be impressed with how well I'm doing, how well I'm working this or that step, and ultimately to like me. Basically, I've gone in with the intention of proving to everyone how manageable my life has become and to show them how well I play God....... ugh, not exactly working the program, is it? Since they're asleep to these feelings (or maybe just afraid to bring them up), I'd challenge YOU to bring them up at a table. AA Recovery is, to me, about getting honest with myself and others ABOUT myself........talking about MY reality....and asking for help. Keeping that stuff inside is part of my old method of handling problems and, considering I'm here, we all know that doesn't work. It'll take a lot of courage (which I believe God will supply if you ask for it)and I'm betting you'll be REALLY glad you shared it once you're done.

I've got 6 years now and it just about makes me cry when someone grabs their balls at a table and really puts some truth out there.... to me......THAT'S working this recovery program.... and it's a beautiful thing.

Great job!

Threshold

nod, nod, what they say above..

now my turn.

I have heard people speak up in meetings saying what you say in your opening post. Just outright saying "I am sick of meetings. I feel judged. I'd like to punch a bunch of people in the face." I mean it. I've heard it. A lot of time, after the person says it, or while they are saying it you can see and hear the venom slip out of them, sometimes they end up laughing, or crying, but they often seemed relieved. And because most of the people in the meeting have felt that way...they tend to be able to laugh...at themselves not at the person.

and a lot of discussion usually follows with people saying how they felt the same way. Judged, ignored, dissed, etc etc.

don't know if you want to speak up about it at the meeting, but you wouldn't be the first, last or only and scads of us have felt that way.

my boyfriend feels that way about the whole world. Everyone is out to make fun of him, crap on his parade, he alone feels awkward when it comes to speaking to others and making friends, etc etc. I assure him that most people are way to concerned with their own issues to bother trying to put him down. His feeling is his issue with himself, and his fears of failure, rejection and inadequacy...other people pretty much don't care enough to bother putting him down. He is judging them, comparing himself to them, so he thinks they must be doing the same thing. Most of them are not. It's his fear and illusion that is keeping him trapped.

How do I know this? because I felt like he does. I decided to check into reality when I put down the liquor and drugs, and now I see more clearly.

It's 100% true that feelings aren't facts or reality. They inform us about OUR relationship to reality, how we FEEL about it, what we FEAR, etc, but they are not reality.

I have to stop and do reality checks many times a day, but it's keeping me from being a slave to my FEELINGS. that is what I was before. A slave to myself.

Caldus

Good posts everyone. Thank you.

I just got back from fellowship again tonight and I can't help but just realize that I feel so much worse coming out of there than I did coming in. I just don't know how to interact with people while sober and it just makes any fellowship situation extremely awkward for me. People just poke fun at me in front of everyone else now and it's just humiliating. All I could think about walking back home was why I even went to that meeting and how I could end it right now by stepping into the bar right across the street from where I live.

I don't know. Maybe I just need to go to a different home group. Which would suck because then I probably will have to change my sponsor as well and then start all over in the steps. I understand that I shouldn't be a slave to my feelings but all I can focus on is how is it not just my perception of the situation but how I am actually seeing people in my group making fun of me in front of everyone else. I'm just tired of going to the home group meetings feeling worse than I did going in (it has been this way most of the time). It is sort of scaring me right now that the drink idea is becoming more and more sound in my mind again despite everything I have learned and experienced in AA so far. I really am beyond human control. I wish I had a stronger belief in an active relationship with God but it's just not really there. I pray in the mornings but not sure what I'm even praying to.