DayTrader

...had to fearlessly face the proposition that God is either everything or else he is nothing. God either is or he isn't. What was our choice to be?


I've been working on a "Second Step Proposition" exercise:

Sheet of paper
Draw a line down the middle
Column I: What areas of my life have I not given or am I not willing to give to God?
Column II: Why am I afraid to give these areas to God? I am afraid of:

It's been "enlightening" to say the least. Honestly, it's a little scary to see the level of control I "try" to maintain in my life.....still......in spite of "knowing better" than to do it. There's stuff on there that runs the gamut from "at times - my sobriety" to "my future," "my money/career," and so forth.

If you're looking to step your recovery up a notch, want to revisit some inventory issues, or want another way to look at a fear inventory......... I highly recommend it.

Once the columns are done there's some more work to be done. Number your fears, write them down on a 3x5 card, write corresponding "what God would have me be" (rather than afraid / practicing this fear).

Anyway, there's a whole worksheet on how to do it (it comes out of the BB - page 68) available HERE

Pagekeeper

My experience with step 2 is very literal.

I was not a "believer" at step 2. I literally "came to believe." For me, step 2 is something I understand better in hindsight than I did my first go 'round.

For a very long time, my conception was simply "God could and would if He were sought." Most of the time, that's still all I "understand" about God.

However, the conscious contact I've developed has enabled me to know, at certain times, when God's will for me is being revealed.

The things I find most difficult to turn over to God are the very things I'd like to get rid of most. Fear, for example, and also resentment.

I'm getting ready to do another 4th & 5th step. Hoping it'll help me let go of some of the reasons I can't seem to let go of certain things.

Thanks for the topic.

DayTrader

Welcome to the club!! hehe. I was told somewhat early on that even though we MAY be able to turn stuff over, that doesn't mean God will remove those character defects (at least not to the extent or in the manner we want Him to). Even the ones that DO get removed...it's not on our time schedule. A lot of mine...even the one's I'd just SWEAR are blocking me from God....are still in effect. That reeeeeally discouraged me. I was pretty sure I MUST be messing something up here.....I wasn't turning them over right, or enough, or properly... I spent a LOT of my 3rd year reeeeally bummed at myself because I didn't FEEL like I thought I SHOULD feel.

Ugh.....thinking back to last year damn-near give me the chills. I can't EVER recall feeling more upset, discontent, irritable, angry, sad, disappointed, shameful,.....you name it. --Thank GOD "our problems are of our own making."


So anyway........ I finally came to understand that those defects that made me FEEL like I was separated from God kept me working on my connection to God - trying to get "a better connection." That constant working on the relationship (on my part) was really me working on the "maintenance of my spiritual condition" that gets me that daily reprieve from my compulsion to drink! When I think about it that way, it occurs to me that IF I just had a wonderful contact / feeling of contact allllllllllllll the time (at least at this stage of my recovery), I'd likely slack off like crazy and check right out of the program..... and I know where that would lead me right back to..... UGH.

So, in hindsight, it seems I NEED some of my character defects so I have something to connect with God "about." ---if that makes any sense.


KUDOS!!! I've done a bunch of 'em. It's interesting that I'm able to discover and write things down now that, even THOUGH they've been in effect for as long as I can remember, never made it to any of my previous inventories.

One good thing about keeping old inventories is that when I get bummed that I'm not progressing as quickly as I think I should (LOL- selfish, self-centered, and discontent much??) I look back at those old "honest, searching and fearless" inventories of my past and it's shocking how far I've come...

shaun00

Hope the inventory goes well page..

My experinece with step 2 is/was.........the opening of my mind to something/someone that ultimately has all power....

"believe" to me is very different from faith......in the beginning i had a tentative belief that what was working for all you sober folk could work for me.

today i have 100% faith in that god could/is my director.........if im willing to stop being one myself.....

"came" to me suggests that it doesnt happen over night....and for me it didnt.

but those early green shoots of belief.....grew.....matured......becoming faith over time.........all i had to do was believe something/someone could do the things..ie stay sober/become sound minded..........that i couldnt do for myself.

keithj

I agree, and have done this exercise myself from time to time. Daytrader and I already talked a little about this, but I'm glad he shared it here.

Alcoholism is easy to turn over to a higher power. God is more than welcome to manage my alcoholism for me. Good riddance. But where my self-will starts showing the most is in those areas that I really care about; job, finances, relationships, kids, etc. I better keep a close grip on those things, just to make sure they turn out OK.

This is where my life gets filled with fear. And with that fear ringing in my head, I can't hear God. Try as I might, I'm not 100% confident that I can make her love me, get that promotion, keep everybody satisfied, whatever.

My intentions are good, just like the book tells me. I want the best for those around me. But it's not quite adding up the way I think it needs to. So I make suggestions. I make improvements. I work a little harder.

And when it still doesn't go as planned, I squeeze a little harder. Now I see it slipping away and the fear comes in big time. Self reliance has, once again, failed me.

So I pull out that 3x5 card before slapping some sense into my loved ones. And it tells me, in the simplest way, that God would have me be loving and patient towards my family. There are no words on that card about how to achieve what I think needs to happen. There is only what I can be, with God's help.

Achieving a certain end is not my job. Being what God would have me be is my job. In any situation, I can trust that my only job is to play the role I'm assigned.

I do that (and only that) and the outcome of all those areas in which I have fear, takes care of itself.

DayTrader

LMAO.... ya see......it even LOOKS stupid/silly/crazy.....but that's what I do.

LOL. MAN, my ego sure as he-double L doesn't even want me to ADMIT that that's what I do. How many days earlier did I mention this stuff to you Keith before I posted it? 5.....7........10? I've got a good start on my first column (nothing new to add in several days) and I already KNOW what column 2 is: I don't trust God to handle things or I don't trust that he WILL handle things. I also don't believe that I "need" to let them go. I feel a sense of responsibility to "do my share" but "my share" gets twisted in my mind to = the whooooooole darn thing. Then I'm right back to kicking God to the curb and saying to Him, "Watch THIS God.....watch how well I can do this!" - just like a little kid saying the same to his parents.

The sad and scary part is, the stakes are a whoooooooole lot higher now than when I was a little kid trying to impress my mom or dad with my stupendous ability to run fast, or catch a ball, or throw a stone. Now it's careers, homes, relationships with ppl I care about that are on the line. I would think that I should be more willing to seek God's help and guidance but nope, not me! I do the exact OPPOSITE... I grab for MORE control. It's even scarier to see that this is the EXACT SAME MINDSET I used to use to justify drinking and drugging. Gee, and I thought I'd be at least a little further along in 3yrs of sobriety (says my false ego / misplaced pride- in the background of my thoughts....again and again).

When it gets right down to it..... my real Higher Power is...... are ya ready for it?.............. I know it's shocking................... My REAL higher power is (a lot of the time) ME!
And, as a highly trusted mentor in the program is all-too-fond of saying to me, "With a higher power like that, is it any WONDER you're in the s**t you're in?!" Lol..... I love and hate that guy when he's right! hehe

Ugh..... I'm so damn sick of "Progress not perfection" I want to puke sometimes!!! How bout just a little (ok......a LOT.....all of it) perfection right NOW! lol

DayTrader

Keith, since I'm going to be working on my proposition exercise and my 3x5 card (I hope) tonight....... Did you do this stuff on your own or is it best done with someone else? Is it better or not important to do it with someone who's never done it before?

I assume I should get someone else involved, like my sponsor, but he hasn't even heard of this stuff, doesn't really understand it any better than I do, and hasn't done it yet himself. So.....I don't know if I should just work on it myself, bring him into the loop now or find someone who's done it to help me now then show it all to my sponsor once I'm done.

keithj

I involve a sponsor in almost anything I do that involves spiritual growth. It keeps me humble, and more importantly, I just can't see myself very clearly. I know that I have a tendency to a skewed perception of reality, even after some time in sobriety. So I like to get some 'considerations' from someone that loves me enough to help me grow.

I wouldn't think it's critical that he's done it before. Just some sound feedback. Who knows, maybe you can grow together. That's a pretty special relationship.

Boleo

"No man can get to the truth without God's help"

- Soren Kierkegaard -

Tommyh

ty DT