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The Power Of Sobriety Thread (POST!) #7 |
Thank you, Dee! |
Thanks Dee! Packing up the cars and getting ready to head back home. Great time spent with extended family. Making the most of each day. Have a good day all! |
Kathy, It is a punch in the gut to hear of your diagnosis and what you are going through. You are an inspiration to me because you are such a strong supporter of everyone. SG - Our paths probably did cross on the AC, although I will say I was glad not to be in the traffic heading in your direction. It was a quick stop in Philly, and Gettysburg was very interesting. This week I worked Tuesday, spent the day at the lake on Wednesday, worked Thursday and Friday, and celebrated my older son’s birthday on Thursday. Busy and fun. Fbl - I’ll send you my info for the live meeting. |
I'm going to another impromptu Shair live video meeting this afternoon. I may try to set something up for us tomorrow afternoon (Sunday 7/8). I think what I'll do is set up a time and then PM a link to anyone who may be interested and see whom (if anyone) decides to show up. I was thinking about 2PM Central Time (US). Sound like a plan? If it doesn't work, at least it's worth a try! PS: I'm also posting this in the overs section. |
I think that's a good approach, FBL. I'll try to come in. |
I will send you my info FBL. I don't think I will be around tomorrow afternoon but I will catch up with you folks sometime soon! |
I'm trying to wrap my head around some emotional stuff that I'm not used to. Emotions and humans are neither one of them strong suits of mine. Can't decide what's an excuse for holding on to character defects, and what's ok for me as an individual. Working on that moral inventory. Staying sober. |
Courage- be kind to yourself. Emotions and feelings are NOT character defects- IMO. They are natural- perhaps stemming from a dysfunctional history- but they will not be repressed or ignored. Give your self time. Support to all. |
Thanks, PJ. |
Courage, reflection is a good thing for me too. Change isn't necessarily growth in my world. When I sit on a fence like a mugwump, I try to choose the next right thing - then own it and move on. I seem to always lean toward Grover Cleveland's side. FBL, this sounds rather techy to me. Since we are peeps on FB, can I connect that way? I'm pumped to learn more about this sober delivery channel that you've found. However, I cannot make today. Haha, another first date. She set the tee time and highly suggested that we play 18, not 9...to that I responded, "what does 9 even mean?" Not sure I know many dudes that would set a noon tee time in Florida in July. It will be 92 with humidity that we'll need to cut through with the cart. This BL might be the one? :) SG and Glee, how nice that you both were able to enjoy family beach vacations. I miss them. I live a few minutes from the beach now, but, I drank the family part away before I left. Congrats on getting sober in time to keep the family beach week intact. GG, I think of you often. How are you doing? Personally, I've moved to full-fledged denial. Sending a heartfelt ((hug)). Well, time for my last cup of CML (coconut milk latte) and get ready to fast walk the beach. Enjoy your Sunday! Carlos |
I agree with PJ - it may be unfamiliar even strange...maybe even a little scary but its not a sin to feel :) D |
Picked up about 100 more cards at the show yesterday. There was a HUGE turnout, biggest one I've seen. Even some younger kids getting into collecting. Had another fun Shair meeting yesterday afternoon with a chap from Scotland and a gal from my home state of Minnesota. The technology is amazingly simple. All you need is either a webcam or a phone with a camera. If you're on FB, just look for the Shair Recovery network for more info. There is a free basic group where you can post. The group that has the video meetings does have a very small fee to help them cover expenses ($12 per month) , but this month they have a special where just $1 gets you a whole month to try it to see if you like it. As for my attempted meeting this afternoon, I'll send a PM a little later this morning with a link for anyone interested. If no one comes, I'll talk to myself for 40 minutes, so not a problem! :) Have a Super Sunday, gang! |
Courage, I think PJ is right. Most things our brain does it does on a subconscious level. Think about driving a car while messing with your phone or radio while your feet still drive. (Don't recommend this btw) The brain restricts the flow of information into your consciousness to avoid overwhelming it with these very raw and unfelt previously emotions. When they do bubble up unexpectedly, they can be unsettling in the least. Emotions and thoughts aren't good or bad, they just are. Look at them, feel them and let them go. Congrats on the card show FBL. Even time you attend a show, I am left thinking of the many shoe boxes full of baseball cards I told my mother to throw out when I went to college. Probably could have paid for a couple of college classes with those! Carlos, I can see why so many people are attracted to the beach and choose to live there. I always feel a calming, emotionally cleansing, bonding with nature vibe when there. I feel spiritual in a way when in nature and the enjoy the awe it inspires in me. Glee, I am glad you had fun and saw a lot of places while on your vacation. When is your next vacation coming up? I wish my family could travel that intensively. It's laborious getting my group anywhere, and once there, it's more prudent to keep them in one spot. The whole packing/unpacking/packing thing is excruciating at times for me to have to take part in. It's really funny, but there are two things I have learned that I can never do with my spouse together. Pack for a vacation and make a make a bed together. We just get on each other's nerves in these situations and they always put me in a foul mood so I just avoid these. Kathy, I think you are off to Wildwood soon?! I hope you feel the positive vibes from the beach that I was describing. Beautiful weather here. Hopefully get a little yard work done while the temperature are so reasonable. Enjoy the day everyone! |
Hi everyone Courage - A big challenge for me in sobriety has been feeling my emotions. Drinking was one way I avoided them. Also after peeling that away, I realizedanger, fear, and stress kept my feelings at a safe distance, as did pushing people away who were part of what I felt. This past week I had to deal with my mother’s craziness. She has had problems with money and spending my whole life. Now she’s in a position where she needs a car but has no money, terrible credit, and no source of income outside of social security. I’ve completely ignored her whining about wanting a car like I ignore how she wants clothes, shoes, iPads, flat screen TVs, etc. The a couple weekends ago I got a call from her at a car dealer and she was going to buy a car with the same number of miles as she has on her current car, but it’s 10 years newer, and it’s going to require a car loan!! The salesman told her that in 6 months her credit will be improved so she could lease a new car!! She called her friend and her brother who both recommended she move forward with this deal!! I was able to convince her not to move ahead, and ultimately offered to co-sign a lease for her. With the boundary that if she misses one payment the car goes back and she is without transportation. Period. Honestly, as her only child, I’d be stuck driving her places - so there is a little something in this for me. I had a terrible head cold that felt like the flu and was prepping for vacation. Never mind that - she called me to talk about cars and ask when we were going to go!! Boundary. We will look after my vacation. Another boundary. You need to look at all deals in a 30 mile radius and find the best deal. You also need to check used car/slightly prepared deals. So I get back and she “needs” to go after my first day back to work. It worked out for me so I went. We picked out a car, and I floated her a down payment. She then said that she’d have her brother just write me a check later in the week because it would be easier for her. Boundary. Her brother is flighty and the minute he hears someone else could float it he won’t pay her. I want her to get it before she picks up the car, not afterward. She doesn’t want to because it’s inconvenient. I get a flurry of texts that I don’t see about this and the final text says “disregard other texts, I got the money.” The point of this long winded story is I had a lot of feelings while it was happening. I tried to inventory my feelings on the spot - instead of being angry. I feel insecure that my mom is financially insecure. I feel sad too. I feel insecure that my mom uses other poor decision makers as her “sounding board.” I feel insecure that she put herself in such a vulnerable position to nearly agree to the first deal, which was a disaster. I feel betrayed and not cared for that she didn’t appreciate my boundaries and needs when I was sick and preparing for vacation. I feel betrayed that she’d risk not getting the money from her brother because it was inconvenient for her to drive to his house to get it. Yesterday when I was not feeling super great due to a stomach thing. She was pressuring me about making plans to go to her brother’s 70th birthday party today. I told her I didn’t know if my husband and kids were going and I wouldn’t make plans tilI I knew whether this stomach thing was going to pass and she said, “Why doesn’t anyone like my family?” I just said, please stop saying that. Boundary. I felt like that was a very bold thing to say, and she didn’t appreciate the things I’d done to help her this week. Stating my feelings is so much more peaceful than being angry. It took me a while to do it though. This is the first time I’ve said something about it. It took a long time because these conversations tend to lead to me dredging up everything she’s done to hurt me. That is not healthy or peaceful. One good thing. This is the first time I can say one good thing too. She admitted to me she felt crazed when the first deal was happening and she thanked me for talking her out of it. (Usually she is resentful and tells me why I’m a jerk when I try to do that, and says I owe HER an apology). Thanks for listening, POSTies. How does someone get as socially and emotionally damaged as her? She has anxiety and late in life (mid 50’s) discovered she has MS. Is there another thing at play that I don’t see? |
Glee, so sorry you're having to deal with all of this. I've found with my family that I have to draw boundaries and stick to them. I will help where I can, but I have my own life to lead and will not tolerate petty drama. Works for me. |
Glee, that was another wonderful post. You work so hard to act right and sober with a difficult mother. I never learned to do that -- never actually tried, my mother died when I had 80 days sober & before that, seeing her was an excuse to binge. I really like it that she thanked you for talking her out of the car deal. There's a lot of tenderness in your post, behind the struggling. |
Hi, Mnjen! Please join us! I’m fine so far, Carlos, thanks! Glee, I think you showed excellent restraint in reining in your gut reactions to your mom. Your boundaries are very reasonable—and probably more accommodating than mine would be. You are being more than fair. You’re a good and faithful daughter. |
Well, my first attempt at a video meeting was a total bust. I sat there and talked to myself the whole time (which is nothing new :)). Guess it just wasn't meant to be. No big deal. Will continue to enjoy my face-to-face meetings on the FB site. May try it again here down the road, but probably not. Carry on! |
I’m sorry, FBL. It was time for dinner at the grandson’s birthday party. I’m only on the way home now. |
I should post what I told FBL privately earlier -- I don't feel comfortable, the thought of face-to-face was anxious-making. My problem entirely. Groups generally make me nervous, and we all have such oddly intimate knowledge of one another. It would have been a plunge I'm not ready for. I'm sorry because I'm very fond of you all, truly. It makes me very happy to hear that you're widening your world so much and adopting new interests, FBL. You're ahead of me, there. Congratulations! :) :) :) |
I’m mainly afraid that you people will see me and say, “GAWD, she’s HIDEOUS!” :lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao Actually, there’s a bit of truth for me in what Courage is saying: I feel most comfortable and express myself most clearly in writing. Even if I could have made it—then could have made it work—I would probably have stuttered and gulped and been really awkward. But I would have tried if I hadn’t been tied up. :) |
I'm sorry you're disappointed FBL - it was nice of you to try and set that up. I suspect many here are like me (and Courage) I feel comfortable in anonymity - nothing at all against anyone else here. |
Once again, no problem gang. I totally understand. I still have a bit of social anxiety myself, though I think I'm just about over it. :) Seriously, it's something I've been working on for quite awhile. In fact, it's probably the main reason I drank like I did for so long. I still consider you my dear friends and maybe someday I'll get to actually see some of you, or better yet meet you in person and give you a big hug! :grouphug: |
Great post Glee! I too feel that you showed immense restraint in dealing with your Mother and her lifelong issues. The situation promises to only get trickier as she ages. Setting proper boundaries now will help the two of you down the road. Sorry the chat didn't fly FBL. Mid Sunday afternoon in the summer may have been a reach for a lot of folks, me included. Maybe a chat in the fall at night might work better. Thanks for coming up with a new approach. Have a good day all! |
Interesting how topics seem to grow legs. Anyway, I respect any and all opinions on meeting f2f. As you might know, I've done so with a handful of folks I met on SR. Glee and I have traveled to a few cities to take in their AA offerings as well as the sights and sounds of some interesting restaurants and venues. About a month back I joined a sober group on facebook. I've thoroughly enjoyed the interactions so far. The woman that started this group just tonight floated the idea of meeting in the UK and NYC in September. She and I have developed a small rapport and I'm lobbying for a FL beach meeting. Regardless, I might well make the NYC meet in September. Recovery...many paths. To each, his or her own. Haha, just don't drink or use. Have a great week, POST's. Carlos |
Heading back to work today after 11 glorious days off. It's my only big vacation of the year, in fact, I think I took a weekend in September off and that's it for me this year. I still have six or seven weeks vacation stacked up from previous years, but we are short staffed and don't have the flexibility for more. My head is in a better place being away from work and relaxing a bit. I had read the new Michael Pollan book "How to Change Your Mind" and it totally has me thinking about how fluid the concept of Self really is. It is nothing more than a brain construct to allow us to have an identity and a place in the world. When the Self goes off the rails, and gets stuck in a mental rut, addiction and depression result. It fascinates me how neurological advances in recent years are helping to slowly unwrap the dark mystiques of addiction, depression and mental illnesses. I started to read online a book by Alan Watts, The Book on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are, another look at the self and who we are. These self discovery books have been a revelation for me. I guess I am looking to find my true Self at this point in my life. I think I have finally reached the stage where there is more to my life than the word "Addict" stamped across my forehead. Kathy's diagnosis has got me thinking about the meaning of it all and our place in the flow of life around us. I feel it can and should be a positive journey, even when the physical end could be in sight. Comforting thoughts to my soul anyway. Have a good day all! |
Good stuff, Star! I've learned a lot about myself these past 9 years. I'm even starting to like myself a bit! |
Hi everyone Stargazer - Interesting insights and good food for thought. Thanks for sharing that! FBL - Over the weekend I was running around all over the place, which is why I couldn't join the meeting. One of my stops was to my uncle's 70th birthday party. My mom pointed to one of the tables and told me with dreadful/conspiratorial whisper, "Those people are his AA friends." Carlos - Good talking to you the other day! Good for the soul! Today I struggled to drop the rock about coworkers who were bugging me. It just kept festering and I really, really wanted to feed my frustration by complaining and gossiping about it. In the past I would feed (and feed and feed) that frustration until I boiled over at that person. All that ever got me was drunk. By the time I got home I realized that it was about me, not them. I was the one who was annoyed. This afternoon, I asked myself some 4th step questions: why I was so annoyed, what insecurity was I feeling. I was able to see things from the other people's perspective instead of my own, and drop the rock that I carried around all day. Honestly, it didn't feel good to be annoyed over things I cannot control. To Stargazer's point, my time is better spent doing some good, being compassionate, having a humble, positive journey. I haven't fully embraced myself (there's still a lot to forgive) but diffusing my ego has led to immense progress in the area of self acceptance. Kathy - Thinking of you every day, my friend! |
I’m amazed at the way my time is unfolding. Every day I’ve got something penciled in, and every day I dread it—but when I finally knuckle under and go, I end up having the most riveting and amazing time. Talk about seizing the day—I can’t recall any time in my life that my days have been so worth seizing! |
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