Can totally relate to the post baby survival mode, Arbor. That is such an incredibly hard time. It does pass, though. I'm really not the person to look to for a positive spin on that situation, but I know you'll get through it.

Just plugging along over here. Physically my energy is pretty good, but mentally it's wearing me down. It's getting harder to separate myself from the negative thoughts and feelings, and I'm going for long stretches where I don't try to resist that kind of thinking because I start to believe it's reality. I know I've felt better, but I don't quite recall what "better" was like, and it seems like it was an illusion. I notice that I persistently feel that life is too hard, and no part of it is so rewarding as to make it worth the struggle. I resent that I have to go through it, and I kick myself for getting involved in a family because I hate being at the mercy of people who love me and want me to be okay when "okay" is an entirely unreasonable proposition. Sometimes I keep going simply because I'm obligated to persist as a mother, wife, daughter, sister. I look at old people and think how lucky they are to be near the end, it must be such a relief. Sorry, just honestly that's where my head is at. Sometimes calling out that kind of thinking puts it in perspective. Hopefully. I don't know. Feels pretty true to me right now.

I'm okay though. I will talk to my therapist this morning and see what he wants me to do, probably nothing, just keep moving along and waiting to feel better.

I hope you guys have a good day.

Dear sweet Briar. I pray that you find comfort, peace and joy in the here and now.

Safe travles,B; enjoy your time away.

Well I think your a wonderful mother Briar for what it's worth. And those bento lunches you make are fantastic!

Thank you for the prayers, Mark and Leigh. They are truly appreciated.

How did therapy go, Briar? I hope it helped.

Camp is done and I'm home for a nap. We have friends coming to stay for the weekend and things aren't quite ready. But it's going to have to wait cuz I'm too stinkin tired.

Thinking of each of you. Here comes the weekend. TGIF!

Confession. I have become obsessed with making ombre soap. I just finished my 3rd, a manly batch that goes from black to grey. This is the first, Philosophy dupe "Falling In Love". They will go on the curing rack for a minimum of six weeks, then get beveled, polished, labeled and wrapped. http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y21...pseeyjnpoe.jpg

Wow, BD, those are beautiful.

great stuff BD :)

what did your therapist have to say Briar?

D

Hi Dee. He told me not to isolate, and I'm complying as best I can.

I'm afraid to be around anyone because I feel like no one wants to deal with me. I'm a miserable pain in the ass, and I've already put my friends and family through hell. I can't be like this again. I know it's not my fault necessarily, but nevertheless I feel so guilty for getting depressed again. I'm afraid people will resent me, and already do.

I'm going to see my mom tomorrow, which will be a lot of fun for my daughter. My mom lives way out in the country. When I talked to her last night, she mentioned that she's not drinking right now. Then she said that she has been eating a lot of junk food and explained that "when you drink like I do, when you quit you crave a lot of sugar." I had no idea her drinking was that bad. She also told me she just went to Nevada with my aunt to visit my uncle who apparently is dying from cirrhosis. I didn't even know he was an alcoholic. Both sides of my family tree is ripe with drunks. So now I'm worried about my mom.

I feel like I'm in a different dimension. I keep thinking I'm getting better, but then I realize I'm worse, and I can't gauge it anymore.

Of course I want to isolate, I'm losing my damn mind, nobody wants to deal with that.

I'll call my psychiatrist next week if this doesn't improve over the weekend.

Anyway, sorry guys, and thanks for the well wishes. I hope everyone is good. Mark I hope you're having a great time in the city. Arbor thank you for the vote of confidence. You're clearly a great parent yourself. Miss you V. We haven't chatted in a while.

Hey Dee, are you there?

I'm here love...and hopefully Dee is around as well.

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.
The one thing you need to let go of is the thought that tells you no one wants to deal with you. I know that feeling...I really do.
But it makes me feel worse when I start thinking like that.
I know for you that it isn't true....people in your life love you and will keep supporting you. ♥

As you said, this is not your fault, and as far as I can see you are doing everything in your power to help yourself here.

I have different challenges, but I know that every day I keep trying (rather than just quit, and go and get smashed) is a win.

We have each other, and we will keep helping each other. Yes? :) :hug:

Thanks V

...

Well, things here are, hmm, not sure how they are.
My older sister has gone to her house in New Zealand, my younger sister is busy all weekend (I saw her yesterday though), and this is perhaps the most alone I have ever been. I have Ms Fluff of course, and she is not your average cat. She is excellent company. More like a housemate than a pet. :)

And I worked today, and that helps too. At least I am outside and I see people. And the weather is gorgeous today. Also helps, as Arbor said earlier...or yesterday.

I don't think you need to do that Briar...your post is fine love.
If we don't tell each other the truth, how can we help each other? :hug:

Hope you have a good sleep tonight Briar.
Wishing you sweet dreams. :hug:

Briar, Watching my brother transform so positively after he quit drinking was what convinced me that I needed to stop myself. I didn't announce day one or anything, but was eager to tell him so I tried to slip it into conversation about my new junk food favorites. It was my odd way of trying to connect with him, to thank him in a way, to let him know that I could relate to the struggle and appreciated his efforts. I'm just wondering if your mom is trying to thank you too. You've put a lot of hard time and effort into recovery and it's inspiring. Hang in there, sweet friend.

It's 2:30 am and the guys are still up chatter boxing because our guests didn't get in until 1:00. AV is being not-surprisingly irritating. It's been a long week. It's WAY past my bedtime. This is an easy fix... Lights out for me. I just turned the floor fan on high and will sleep soundly, looking forward to waking up sober.
:a043:

I'm not around as much on weekends any more - music abounds.

I didn't want you, or V, to think I was ignoring you (or her) or that I didn't want to deal with you - that's patently untrue :)

:grouphug:
D

Dee ~ I would never ever think you were ignoring any of us. Ever. You know that.

I appreciate you are busy love. What was erased that you didn't see was just Briar worrying about needing a post deleted. I was only reassuring her that it was OK to say whatever she (and all of us) needed to say. :hug:

No worries V :)

If I'm away it's never usually for all day so send me a PM or something if things need doing and I'll get on it when I can, guys :)

D