Class of October 2014 Part 17
 

Continues from here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-16-a-21.html

D

Good morning Dee. :hug:

Hope you feel better Venus.

Thank you. ♥
(This is worse than any hangover I ever had. Blech).

Morning V. Rest up.

D

That must be petty bad then V. So sorry. Feel better soon!

Sorry for being whingy...I think it's just because I worked with this yesterday. It kind of knocked me out. I had to though, because I knew the weather was going to be to awful today to walk. I should be much better by tomorrow.

No worries V. :) Like I said it must be pretty bad. If your hangovers were anything like mine used to be that's pretty scary.

I could go on about how much of a struggle today was too. All I wanted was to feel the joy I used to feel when I drank. Seeing others today enjoying their beverages wasn't very relaxing for me. Maybe it's the lack of quality sleep now. I dunno. I don't want to start doubting sobriety again. Lifes a fricken seesaw over here.

Is it that you are doubting sobriety Arbor love?
I don't doubt that this is the only path for me, but I still get a bit tense when others are partying all around me...there's still the little voice that says I wish I could do that...but I can't. If I pick up a drink again, I have no idea how I will ever stop again.

Oh yeah. There's a part of me that still says I can do it. Do it every now and then. It's BS I know. My family drinks a lot. The people I know drink a lot and get away with it. It's not right, but whatever. Glad I'm home here on SR. Social events are not what they are all cracked up to be anymore. But I'm fine. Made it through the holiday clean and sober. Time to maybe sleep it off and start anew tomorrow. 👍

Thanks for asking sweet V! :hugs:

V I'm so sorry you haven't been feeling well. I hope you can get some rest.

And Arbor I'm sorry you're feeling the temptation. Holidays are hard. And having a new baby is REALLY hard. But drinking is not a good way to take care of yourself and get rid of stress. Just makes it worse. But you know that. Let's have a cup of tea. I'm in for some genmaicha, my favorite.

I'm having a weird day myself. Anxious, just generally feeling like something has gone wrong when nothing has. Like I'm worrying about something but don't know what it is. Just kinda wandering around the house trying to figure out what I'm missing. But I know it's just me, so I'm using the restless energy to get chores done, and I've been quite productive. I'd take some of my anxiety meds, but they make me real hungry and totally busted my weight loss situation last week (up 2 pounds, rrrr!!!), so I'm only taking them if I must. I can tolerate it today.

Dinner tonight is a culinary masterpiece of salt and pepper chicken, frozen veggies, and rice pilaf from a box. Pairs nicely with tap water. Mmm.

(((Briar))) ♥

Maybe the breathing exercise Dee posted will help a little?

Breathing

And I will take my own advice here, because I am very anxious today too.
I feel guilty, like having a tummy bug is my own fault? That's just nuts.

We'll get there gang. I think it's absolutely normal to be a bit wistful at times. Especially holidays. But for me, the idealized drinking situation I desire does not at all add up to my reality. I know that for a fact yet still hear the siren song.

And lack of good rest doesn't help in your situation Arbor. Infants are a blessing, but good rest is too! Hope you can wrap up this weekend with a good night's sleep.

Hope you feel better soon V.....tummy trouble is no fun.

Briar, your dinner sounds good to me.

USA 5-2, pretty fun game to watch

Sorry you're under the weather Venus. I hope you're feeling much better very soon. Those tummy bugs are miserable.

Happy dancin because this awesome, booze-free, holiday weekend is coming to a triumphant close. I'm exhausted and ready for bed before the moon is out. And I'm totally ok with that.
Gnight all! Way to kick these cravings to the curb!

Yeah thanks everyone. Looks like we did some good here this weekend. Great way to end my day. :)

V I totally get feeling guilty for being sick. I always feel that way. Makes no sense.

I also understand feeling like I can drink just for a little while. I know how I am, I will drink constantly for days, weeks, but my AV says the following:

1) it wasn't that bad.
2) it's worth losing control.
3) I've been through treatment, so now I know how to quit again.

Lunacy.

Yeah it's all AV and I'm aware of it. Which is great and all. It's just sometimes I feel like the joy has been wiped from my face. I remember that post Mark wrote a while back about feeling emotionless. That drink was my spark for a long time and now it's gone. Still recovering from that.

I think it's a lot to do with serotonin levels Arbor...it takes a while for our bodies/brains to find their way back. We can get that high naturally. We need to be patient. And we need to believe that it will all feel better. :hug:

The difference between that chemically induced spark and real joy is like black and white to technicolour arbor - don't lose hope :)

D

Great metaphor Dee!

Thanks, Dee! I really like that.

Something I've noticed in sobriety is "that spark" is most evident when I'm working on building relationships with other people, whether new or established. Many times, it means doing and saying things that are just a small stretch out of my comfort zone because I'm naturally pretty introverted. And the feeling of true, genuine, clear-minded and clear-hearted Joy is undeniably better than any short-lived, empty booze buzz.

Take THAT, AV. Lol
:a043:

Have a great start to the week, friends!

Thanks Dee. Trying. It's hard.

Feeling really good this morning. Life's a lot easier with some good sleep. Baby slept remarkably better last night. You can't plan these things with a newborn. 😉

Have a great day everyone.

Morning gang,

Was actually in the sixties this morning, that's a rare treat for July and to celebrate I had the longest run I've done in years.....felt good.

Good point Conquest. Like many, I have to be "on" at work and interact with many in the community as part of my work. I'm great at the polite chitchat but when I'm not playing that role I'm naturally quite introverted. The social situations I'm avoiding in my personal life have at least temporarily led to a bit of isolation. Something to work on.

As different in age and background as we all are, there is certainly the common bond of the path we're on. The last few days have prompted me to do an evaluation of where things stand for me.

I feel as though I have the 'not drinking' thing down for now. This past week alone gave me a chance that doesn't come around much to test the waters in secrecy.....not gonna do it. So how do I feel?....

Mostly ok I guess, but I proceed with a resigned acceptance of things for now. It brings to mind the 'pleasure unwoven' thing and brain receptors, all that stuff. I still admit to life with muted emotion/joy and I have two lines of thought on it.

Number one is this is all part of the healing process and will get better....when? According to what I've researched between one and two years. I can get to a year I know. After that time I know that my expectations will begin to rise. We're all working out butts off to get this and it seems reasonable to expect a payoff right? Something. Instant gratification would be fine with me but I don't think it works that way. Slow and steady gets the prize.

This brings me to depression/anxiety. I will consider after a year or so that there may be other factors such as a diagnosis of depression. That's hard for me to admit. My sobriety is not threatened at the moment, so I've deferred looking into this for now....just rolling with it and giving it the time that I mentioned above. I don't want to start medicating something that may work itself out. With exercise and staying busy, and having travel plans scattered through the year to look forward to I can manage.

Between the first and second year of sobriety will be a time of testing for me. If I don't have solid progress on the emotional front, I will seek professional help of some sort. Years ago a cousin of my mom's (my only northern relatives...from Newton MA) were in town and we had them over for dinner. He was relating his journey through depression. He made the statement that he knew intellectually that he loved his family etc., but that he just didn't feel much of anything. I've never forgotten that. He had a son coincidentally named Mark that I barely knew that killed himself in a horrific manner. He also has a daughter about my age that later started an organization called Families for Depression Awareness. Her name is Julie Totten and there is a story about all of it if you google her name and babson.edu. I will potentially reach out to her for guidance.

Let's all hang in there and give this a chance long term. We can do it. I'm counting on some of that Technicolor spark that Dee referenced. It's out there for us too gang. :)

Wishing all the best day.....Mark

Thanks, Mark. That spark IS out there for all of us, and I think it's very normal to go through periods of "what do I do in the meantime?"... Just gotta keep moving forward, learning coping skills, pushing personal boundaries, avoiding backslides any way possible.
When I checked in with my therapist prior to surgery, he did an evaluation and determined that I barely met criteria for depression. It took me aback a bit... Didn't like the label at all. However, another portion of the evaluation noted that I'm also a tad euphoric right now, indicating a breakthrough (He said it's most likely the relief that stems from letting go of the past behaviors and all the personal work and self-care I've done since October). My point? Depression can be beat. It won't happen overnight, obviously. But it will happen with time and a lot of hard work.
We're headed in the right direction, folks. Just keep going!
:grouphug:

I wish there was a blood test for things like depression. You know? Either you have it or you don't type thing. That clarity would help me. But you're right Conquest, we're headed in the right direction. Onward.

And now to go pick up lunch for my team.....

I know I struggle with chronic, low grade depression. Maybe even major, but if it's all I know, it feels pretty normal to me. I feel rather emotionally flat much of the time. Not unhappy. It runs in my family, and my daughter has had some severe mood issues. She is fine on a SSRI. Still the occasional swings, but she IS a nearly 16 yo girl!

Exercise, sunshine and a routine are key, I think. Sometimes, you just have to force the motivation, but then you gain momentum.

A thousand times - Amen.

The display of Technicolor didn't come for me for some time - in the third year of my sobriety. But, before it, came a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction (both wrapped in peace); that sustained me until the joy set in; there are still times when I do a mental Happy Dance to the tune of sobriety.

It will come, dear Octsobers, in time; my bet is that it will arrive earlier for you; I had literally no support during the first 26 months of my sobriety. SR has helped it ignite that spark.

Never give up; sobriety absolutely rocks.

There's no doubt that finding the RIGHT therapist could do wonders to speed this process up. If given the time and resources. Something I've always been curious of. Most people in general would benefit in seeing someone, but mental health care in this country is well, as we all know it not a priority.

Mark, I have experienced severe depression once in my life - it came wrapped in a package of grief; truly working on its roots was key to recovery. I found a grief support group, stayed with it for eleven years (nine years as a group facilitator); it was extraordinarily healing.

I see you as 'keenly aware' and sense that you will know when to take steps for treatment if it becomes necessary. In the meantime, working on any underlying issues can bring understanding, acceptance and healing as it did for me.

Leigh, you are a sweetheart! It's so good to see you back and I do lean on your advice because I know you've been there. It gets me through. Thank you.