|
am i alone? For many years now I have been lost, scared, and alone. My family and friends were there but yet so distant. I do admit it is my fault but as of so far I don't know how to change it. I am writing this in hopes that someone if anyone can explain how to stop. I'm a cutter. Here lately it has gotten really bad. I don't wish to die, I just wish for the pain I feel to stop. I've already talked to my closest people about it. I've tried keeping myself busy so I wouldn't think about it. That's my main problem. I think about cutting all of the time. Even when I am not feeling depressed. My boyfriend thinks I have an obsessive compulsive dissorder. I'm not even sure what that is. I need to stop for my 2 yr old daughters sake. She means everything to me and I can't afford to loose her. Please if anyone reads this and knows anything about my problem please help. |
Welcome to SR, glad you found your way here.! there are people here who are in your shoes or have been. I'm sure they will be along soon. What struck me most about your words is that you can't afford to lose your daughter, more important your daughter can't lose you! You're not alone anymore, you don't have to fight this battle alone, we're here for you. keep coming back!! hugs, Wendy |
cutting puts a face on our pain... Just like my bulimia... purging is a symbolic act that allows me a moments relief... of course.. it's a dead end street relief wise... as the pain never goes away until I acknowledge it.. do the work around releasing it... and then continueing to work to keep my thinking in a right life manner.... The link at the bottom of my post has tons of information on personality disorders... and that is what afflicts us all... I found myself in those words... and it set me free cause I knew finally that I wasn't crazy.. just trying to cope in the wrong... non workable way. Gotta find the answers... the reasons... The program tells me that I don't have to look for the reasons .... to jsut believe.... but.. it didn't quite do it for me... I didn't need to jsut stop whatever... I needed to understand what drove me to do it... I know today... it's all locked up in my head... Certain beliefs that lead to ways of coping... ways of protecting coping... getting my drugs... what I do to try to forget... and not think about and feel bad... And our resistance to looking at this stuff... that's the kicker... aided and abetted with the crazy making effects of acting out... substance abuse.. not taking care of ourselves... yadda yadda yadda... It's so sad really... that we all screw ourselves over like that.... Like I screamed with spit flying at my guy yesturday around his continual anger/rage episodes that he refuses to take responsibility for... preferring to blame outside of himself ...that just keeps him locked forever in the same negative life stealing thought beliefs/patterns.... deep breath... "THIS IS FIXABLE... !" Anway... a bit of my own stuff here... sorry... In the answer to your question... "am I alone...?" I say... only as alone as we allow ourselves to be... I'm not even sure what that is. I got well for my daughter as well... and I say .. go for it... with all your heart and soul... Praying for you... for courage and perseverance... |
i really just want to say thank you. I don't know if I understood it in the way you may have implied it to be but I took it all in and it help in a way that even I can't explain. I know that for me to deal with my problem I have to reach within but right now for me that is the scariest part. |
Sober Recovery is a safe place to take things out and look at them Sad... and it's anonymous... you are in total control as to what you reveal... So.. if you are open to being teachable... the process will start all by itself... and it will take the pressure off you to cut... Do you have a Higher Power may I ask...?? |
by higher power if you mean god.... no.... i gave up on that a long time ago... about 10 yrs ago after the cuts first started. |
okay.. just wondering... ;o) Lots of the sticky posts at the top of all the forums have tons of information in as well... You can go as fast or slow as you like.. |
Hi, Don't let the god/HP thing put you off. The main thing here is that you find a safe place, full of people who understand what it's like to be where you are. And, they can show you that there is a way out. Stick around and read some posts and you'll be inspired. Love, Anna |
Don't let the god/HP thing put you off. It doesn't matter to recovery... and it's a personal thing all the way... |
i hope i don't offend you but i instantly thought of Footprints in the sand... He hasn't given up on you, he loves you no matter what you do. The trick is in forgiving ourselves. I couldn't take even the smallest of baby steps until i was willing to forgive myself. In order to forgive i have to accept. I can't change my past, it is set in stone. What i've done or not done, what others have done or not done. What matters is the here and now, right now. Start your day over anytime. You are worth the fight. Like they say at meetings..we will love you until you can love yourself. we don't get sick overnight, we don't recover over night. Its a long hard road but so worth it. I came from darkness into the light. so can you, and we'll be here every step of the way!! Alone i cannot, together WE can hugs, Wendy |
i am lost in many ways. and alot of ppl in this world think the reason for that is because i don't accept jesus into my life. up til the age of around 10 i did. i believed in everything possible. but when i was 10 the cuts started and i wonder if there was a god then y did he hate me. so it was just easier to believe there was no such higher power than to believe that another person in my life had betrayed me. |
there was no such higher power than to believe that another person in my life had betrayed me. yes.. I felt the same way... |
you said "i felt the same way" key word felt. when did you stop feeling that way and how? |
Welcome to SR, glad you found us :) nogard |
It changed when I went into recovery.... The first night I went to a meeting... in real life... And people were talking about things that I did and that I felt ashamed about... And I heard about ... how.. all this stuff is generational... it's passed on... how we relate... the lies... non love... abuse.... wrongful coping ways.. all the bad stuff.... and they said it wasn't my fault... that it wasn't that these people didn't love me... or that they went out of their way to hurt me... or that they were evil or that I somehow deserved it because I was somehow... "wrong".... a mistake of some sort... not put together right... It was that they were carrying their own burden of insanity that was then passed on to me ... but they did the best they could... They talked about the 12 steps... about letting go... about turning my life over to a power greater than myself.... and that I got to pick the God of my understanding... So.. that night.. I chose to believe in a loving God.. that gave us free will... but also a direct link to him in the form of intuition if I kept the connection open.... And that's as simple as it's always been for me from that moment... I've turned away from God a coupla times in my recovery... and I fell .. fast... so... I know that I need God in my life cause I just feel right then... and I don't feel so alone... |
wow thatnks for that bikewench, I needed to read and hear that this morning, thats so liberatng nogard |
.. just sharing the message nogard... ;o) You know.. I always been kinda shy about talking about God.. cause I know it's such a touchy subject for so many people... but.. my experience of the 12 step program was real... and it was the turning point in my life... And I don't look at myself as "saved".... More like... "discovered"... ;o) hehehe... |
well I got it right in my heart :) I have been struggling with anger the last couple of days, not rage low level stuff and how to be in social situations and I read your post and felt ok, I realised this was all going to take time and that was ok. So thanks nogard |
Welcome here and I personally don't think religion matters. :) |
Welcome, the people here, as you can already see, are awesome. Each and everyone of them! Stick around! http://www.ocfoundation.org/ocf1010a.htm http://mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=6 |
i don't think i could go through something like 12 steps... i mean how could they help me stop cutting nehow? it just doesn't seem to fit |
Bikewench - that was a wonderful post, and I enjoyed reading it. Sad - lonely - tear, I hope you found Bikewench's message helpful and uplifting to you too. DW |
the 12 steps is simply a set of actions... that when taken... result in a better living situation which means we can experience the other side of our emotions ... like joy.. and happiness... and serenity... and peace... and self contentment... and maturity While in recovery... I learned something I never knew... that emotions don't come of their own violition... we have to think them into being... or remember something... and the resulting emotion would come up with it... and I'd use to mood alter cause I felt like shyte about it.. and then I'd bliss out for a bit.. and wake up.. start thinking again.. feel like crap... and on and on and on... well.. the 12 steps put a stop to that because they helped me change the way I thought about life.. and people and the things that happened to me.. and what I've done as well... it helped cut the shame cycle.. |
ahhhhh.... thank you guys sooo much... |
ok this will sound odd.... but i'm really not that depressed... i mean i do have my days but who doesn't... what i'm saying is... well my cutting is because of how i feel ... i just need to do it... |
well my cutting is because of how i feel ... i just need to do it... they have nothing to compare it to ... another thing us humans do is minimize the impact of our activity on ourselves and those around us... and make us single purposed around protecting it's ongoing "gift"... or what we perceive is it's gift... because we think it's our friend... Time will prove it's not.. but... trying to convince someone their harming themselves and that they don't have to do that anymore... well.. there just is no convincing.. I hope you continue to come here Sad... read... learn... ask questions.. something to ponder... http://www.selfinjury.com/sifacts.html |
Welcome, sad_lonely_tear. Bikewench has some good words. In my opinion, a belief system plays a huge part in addiction and recovery. Abandonment and Betrayal are two of the main triggers for me, at any rate. It seems so unlikely to feel abandoned even when you live with your biological parents. There's a possible, underlying deep depression that causes people to mutilate themselves. I'm not a shrink, but I've lived with one for the past 30 years. ;) Thanks Dad. I used to find ways to scar myself to get attention. A cigarette, a knife, a shard of glass from a beer bottle...just to bleed my fear. I had to. It occupied my every waking moment for years. I never had the cowardice to cut through my wrists. |
to bikewench that was such a good post!!!!! |
great share bikewench, you certainly do know how to carry the message! how are you doing sad lonely tear??? thinking of you! hugs, Wendy |
ok... it's the start of a new day. I tried having a discussion w/ my bf last night on if i should try to take the step and see a therapist... cuz obviously i have some issues that just need worked outta my head. anyways our convo. ended in a very big argument. :( i know that my cuts aren't just hurting me that he feels pain when he see what i do to my body but when we talk about it and i try to explain in depth of why he just get's upset. i don't know what to do....... i went to a party last night. my first party in this town.. o yeah i just moved here. anyways i met alot of new ppl and was having alotta fun dancin around and being a dork then the need of cutting hit me. it's never happened in frount of a bunch of ppl before. i was lost i didn't know what to do. in the end i went to the bathroom with a pop tab. gawd why is my life like this. if i have deep depression that i can't seem to focus on then how do i grasp it to make it better. i don't fell depressed and i don't think about depressing stuff (well aside of the need to bleed) i just want it to stop. i want my freaking brain to quit telling me "hey there's a knife in the kitchen" I've tried hiding all the knives... then i spent hours rechecking the cabinets to make sure that i got all of the knives out of them. does this sound crazy? it must because i'm on the verge of insainity. |
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:26 AM. |