Dee, I have bee through hell, and I have put other people through hell. All on my own accord. No pushing, no swaying - all me - all impulsive me.
the part you wrote about sitting alone in your home day after day drinking for years - I felt that.
so true Dee, if you can do it, so can I.
I wish my life to be as happy as yours someday soon. I truly pray the naltrexone will take away my cravings.

Thanks for caring........

BornSurvivor - I am absolutely positive I have low self esteem, but I hide it good, well, probably not, just fooling myself.
Thank you for sharing your past - that is so awesome you could quit speed and alcohol. That is a very strong person. Proud of you -
The part where you said I need to post here "before" I relapse is 100% correct.
I have no one - I made sure I stayed alone and to myself my entire life. I knew I was a F up from early on. Not at work, just my outside of work life.
If you have any time to tell me a little bit about how you got sober, just a few suggestions would be great.

Thank you

Dear Whitejay, it's good to be tough on yourself sometimes so you can motivate yourself to make the right decisions in life. But please don't be too hard on yourself. No use in pulling yourself down, we've all done stupid things. Otherwise we wouldn't be on a forum like this one. The nights I spent, sitting in my icy shed, a beer in hand and smoking a joint I didn't want to smoke, promising myself never to do it again, only to do it again the very next day. The people I haven't called, the interest I haven't shown, the conversations I avoided and the list goes on and on. I'm not proud of that. There's a lot I am not proud of.

I know booze is a different thing, it takes boundries away, but we've all been doing things over and over that we didn't want to do and that's what unites us. And that's why we help each other.

Take care!

FlyingDutchMan - I think I am so hard on myself for the plain reason I have been doing the same ole self sabotaging destructive behavior for 30 years....
but you are right, I need to reach out more here on SR and let others help me, instead of turning inward.

I have hurt so many people. so dismissive, selfish. Im paying for it now. I need to learn to like myself. Dang, that will be difficult but necessary and forgive like you said.
Thanks

You're very welcome, we'll be here for support.

If it's any consolation, I smoked marijuana for a solid 20-plus years and I have probably debated quitting for more than half of that time. I opened a journal from 2003, first thing I read: man, I really need to get of the MJ. I did my first serious quitting attempt in 2018. That's 15 years later. And now I am back here and it's not to tell you all that the 2018-attempt was succesful.

If there's one thing I've found out, it's that doing things you don't want over and over again is not good for anyone's self-esteem. Making promises, breaking them, making even more solid promised, and so forth and so forth. That can't be beneficial to anyone.

I sincerely hope 2021 will be the year in which you can start to work it all out. Little steps. Don't try to change everything all at once. Every long journey begins with a first small step. You will get there, I am sure about that. And if you don't, we will still be here to listen to your struggles.

You sound like me.

I'm scared to death.

no one has ever told me they will listen to my struggles - thank you so much
also, I like what you say about doing something over and over again that you dont want -

You are clearly aware of the great personal dangers inherent in intoxication.
Even one drink changes us to some degree and more makes for ever decreasing reasoning powers.
Intentions to just have a couple disappear as the drug starts to work.
External events (feeling free with strangers) make for dangerous times....
We need pass times other than the drinking game that are safe and creative.
As A.A clearly points out, it is the first drink that does the damage.

Shifthappens - I am Terrified - Scared to Death - almost to the point of never going out of the house again because of the fear of what I will do. I dont trust myself any longer.

..I feel your pain and its sad. We are scared to death because we know the inevitable if we dont take sobriety seriously.

Alcohol destroyed my dignity and and my "being" of who I really am. Alcohol took away my conscience......I am scared to death just like you. Thats a big motivator - dont you think ? We can do this together !

Bubovski - when I am sober and think about what I did the night before, I am petrified - beyond scared. I think about where I walked, who I spoke to, who I went with - it is insanity the places I have been and the people I met out and acted like I knew them a lifetime . And I am not talking about so called good people.
I make everyone my instant friend. I end up in very scary situations, but of course I dont feel the least bit scared at the time.
Alcohol tremendously immediately alters my brain.....there is no in between with me.
I would do Anything to never take that first drink again. I am scared, I am living on the edge and I want off the ledge..........
I was in AA for a long time, I need to get back on zoom AA meetings asap.
Thanks

If nothing else whitejay, in describing your behaviour after picking up that first drink has helped me. Thought I was the only one who got into such dangerous situations. Lots of bad things happened to me, in consequence blamed myself, reducing my self esteem even further. :(

I've done same in ordering a drink when I didn't even feel like one. I did it just because I COULD, and didn't want to believe that I COULDN'T. Always fighting, resisting the idea that it was the first drink that did the damage. Once I got that bit clear in my mind I was in with a fighting chance. Been sober now for 12 months, and it is so much better.

I don't know how you feel about AA, but believe in the early days it can be very useful in communicating and connecting with others with similar problem. Staying connected to ANYTHING whose focus is on sobriety is vital in my opinion. It's so easy to forget, and to delude ourselves that 'this time' it will be ok, and that I/we have control and can stop after the first one, or two. One. :)

Talking and meeting with others helps reinforce the reality that alcohol will destroy us. In truth we destroy ourselves. And now you are asking, Why? Good question. Best question.

Answers will not come until you stop drinking whitejay. It's not easy in the beginning, but over time the answers will come and you'll look back and think, "why in the F did I do that to myself?" I didn't deserve THAT! And I was right. And you don't deserve THAT either whitejay.

Stay connected whitejay. You are not alone.

Dear Whitejay, being scared can be a really good initial motivator. But you won't remain scared forever and when that fear subsides, certain thoughts will eventually creep in. Because I have no real history with alcohol, I am somewhat reluctant to give advice, but in your description of yourself you say you don't have a lot of people / support around you. Of course there's SR and personally I find this place an inspiration in itself, but do you feel you'll need some extra support? People you can talk to in real life, who've been in the same situation as you are in? Who understand, can relate and who you can rely on when your determination might start to go down a little? I don't have any experience with support outside SR myself but I am sure people with more knowledge on the subject will chime in. There's more than one option, that's for sure.

In the mean time, keep posting. We'll keep reading and we'll keep replying.

You can do this Whitejay, we're thinking of you.

[edit: ah, people already chimed in while I was typing this reply]

Thanks for your honest share. There is hope and there is absolutely a great sober life full of peace of mind and self-worry in recovery. It takes time, work and isn’t easy but it’s definitely worth it 🙏

All I wanted to do was relax. I have never had a lot of self esteem, I'm just broken.

Grateful to be accepted by you guys at my worst though. Maybe I'll make it through the night.

We must stay strong. You're not alone! One day at A time

Hi white jay,

im a black out drunk 20 years of it. I recognized it as bad about tens years in then a few attempts at quitting and now I’m at two years quit. Some of what I’m reading is all the time and anxiety spent in your thoughts the next day after. This won’t happen when you quit. Also, one of the best side effects of becoming sober was regaining my confidence. I don’t second guess myself as much, have as much anxiety and feel better. I had those why do exist thoughts. When drinking I’ve had the I hope I don’t wake up, hate myself, my life sucks, lots of self loathing. I am not perfectly 100% awesome super confident but I am soooo much more comfortable with myself and choices.

Alcohol hits my brain differently and there is no off switch. That doesn’t mean I’m a bad person or a failure. I am wired this way and the only solution is not to have that first drink. You can analyze the why, or wait for a sign, or just stop having that first drink. Figure out all the big questions later when anxiety and depression starts to lift. It’s worth it.

For the longest time I was two people in one. I was functioning for a long time. To make things worse I later discovered part of the problem. I have high functioning Autism which makes it really difficult to communicate with people.

So my sober person would go to work, get an education, physical exercise, diet.. Sober me would take care of business. Sober me was terrible with people though.

So thats where drunk me comes in. Sober me could make friends and land a woman every now and then. There were great times over the years. Then it just led to isolation and reckless behavior. I would go into an inner city area with an insanely high violent crime rate to get drugs. I would go to the ATM like its bottomless. I even shot dope, to ease the coming down from the crack.

Many times I just started out looking for that ease and comfort that i would get from those first drinks. Even on the 2nd or 3rd I could of passed a lie detector insisting I wouldn't use any crack or heroin that night. An hour or two later im taking insane chances.

Over the years it got to be less and less great times and more and more disasters. Alcohol wasn't working for me any longer and it landed me in lots of trouble before I stopped.

Once i got to the point of wanting to die and putting that option on the table i was like so that's it. That's how it would end. What was it all for?

You know those stupid trust games where you just fall back and let somebody catch you? Thats kind of what I did with God. Just screw it, I don't want anything anymore I want to put myself in God's hands. Whatever he has for me i will live with and make it work the best I can. If there is no reincarnation I guess I have billions and trillions of years to be dead so why not see where this likely brief time on earth goes.

I tried to hit 90 meetings in 90 days, fell a little short but not bad for a busy schedule. Got a sponsor and worked the steps. I looked foward to the steps, most of my life I wanted to know what was wrong with me. For me it was a deep trust in God that catapulted me through early sobriety.

Yep when I was younger I would party with people I just met.
the last few years I just drank alone.
Still drunk dialed people, though :(
That was the worst of it for me.

I hope you're doing okay today :)

Hey, that;s really scary but I can relate as have done similar things in the past. I'm glad you are back here and posting.

I know how important it is to try and figure things out but not drinking is the first step, ime. For me, a lot of things like anxiety etc ease after a few days/weeks of not drinking. I can't unpick my life or my past or address my issues until I've got some sober time.

I hope you can make this your last drink.

I have a suggested edit to your OP title:

"Drank All Day Yesterday Because I'm An Alcoholic"

We're here to help, too. Lean on this community. Lean on the help that's been extended to you. Give it all you've got.

Be free.

You Can.