Hey D, so funny calling you Dee... as I am referred to as Dee in real time all the time :)

Absolutely there are better ways. I haven't picked apart my recovery plan in a number of days. Even doing meetings back to back, I still need to figure out a better way through this.
I think this is a one-off of build up. I flipped around a lot of my early reactionary attitudes to one of acceptance and I'll be honest I'm not sure how to deal with accepting things as they are. I've found a lot more patience in my day to day even though I have a mountain of crap to deal with. It's the sitting, waiting, knowing what's coming, NOT knowing how I'm going to handle it all that's unnerving. The phrase "not having a pot to p*ss in" comes to mind lots. Or leg to stand on as my father and brother like to tell me often enough also comes to mind. The anxiety has been building up because I have homework to do for my lawyer in the next week, I have my appointment with social assistance after months of fruitless job searching, and an appointment with my new addictions counselor. My lawyer suggested outpatient day treatment. I think that's a great idea, and ultimately will help me have my oldest two home with me, and rebuild our relationship, but I'm worried how an unemployed single mom is going to make day treatment work with a little one?
And my living situation is beyond ideal. I need to go back to my home.

I had every intention of exercising and getting out of the house today. It never happened.

Yeah the apathy is very bad. It doesn't care whether I drink or not. I am definitely in a funk. You're right though, drinking will make it worse so I'm done with that for today. I think I am numbing out my sober emotions a lot. Hopefully my appt on Thursday helps me to open up some more avenues. I've known for along time that it would take many approaches for me to lick this for good.

I'm optimistic. For a while I didn't think I had a future. I just thought I'd die young. I still don't know what was the exact trigger. I know alcohol has been a constant in my life since I was 17 or 18, but it never was a serious problem until I was older. I experienced a very painful breakup about three years ago, which still bothers me. I think that was the trigger to becoming an alcoholic. After that my drinking increased until it became a nightly thing. This is the longest I've gone without drinking since I can remember.

Sending prayers for you del.
You CAN beat this.
Hugs

Oh man I am absolutely pigging out tonight. First day I've gone without antibiotic induced gastroenteritis. I hope it stays gone. It's been awful.
I can be awful without being drunk. Gonna go for some sleep.
I hope ppl are resting well in their respective time zones .
Hugs

Hi D, this link doesn't seem to work. Can you please give it another go? Thank you!

Well, my Campral won't be here until tomorrow. The doc wanted me to start it at night, because it apparently can make you quite drowsy, but I'll probably start it as soon as I get it. I'm probably pinning too many hopes on it, but I'm feeling impatient for results.

I just ate some ice cream. Better than going for the wine!

jobei, you are in my thoughts. I hope your test results are normal.

Ddee, I'm sorry you have so much stressful stuff to do. I know it's a trigger. Try to hang in there -- these are important things you're doing for the sake of your kids, and we all know it's easier [and better] to do sober.

Sorry - I fixed it. The correct link is

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

:tyou

D

Me too.Whenever someone calls me Derek I feel like I'm in trouble :)

I think we get a lot better at seeing storms coming, and a lot better at dealing with them before they hit :)

You haven't lost those sober days, or anything you achieved or learned - try to think of this as Recovery 2.0. :)

Regroup refine and re-try - you can do this Ddee :)

D

Tomorrow I am getting formally tested by athlete experts. I really look forward to it. I fully expect that the tests will provide objective evidence of dramatic improvement. When the tests show progress that is startling especially for someone my age--which I know they will--rest assured I am not going to throw it away. I have no intention of throwing away all the hard work by drinking alcohol. That would be crazy and self defeating. Not going to do it. Instead, I am going to enjoy the feeling of success. It's about time.

Don't give up. You can do this. Life gets overwhelming with or without alcohol, and the alcohol makes it worse. I think the outpatient program is a great idea, maybe start it and it will sort itself out. Your head will be clearer about things the longer you stick with sobriety.

Good evening. Day 27. I must admit I think a lot about drinking beer on a beach in Mexico. Sigh...

Keep playing that tape through Badger...it doesn't end anywhere as good as you imagine it starts.

D

Apathy yes.... been defeated so many times not necessarily because of a craving or trigger but because I said "Just F it." I've had a difficult time loving myself, I've been selfish and narcissistic but no real love. I feel that this is where my apathy comes from... I always expect the worst and therefor make it happen. I'm going to change this, slowly, as it is at the root of my unhappiness. I'm planning to volunteer somewhere soon, I think that by helping others that I can learn to love myself. Im extremely grateful for ALL of you and I'm also extremely grateful to be sober today, I don't think that it would have been possible without the support I get here.

Stay strong and stay sober jobei, hopefully this is nothing serious (I suspect it isn't). Sending good thoughts your way.

Thank you my friend, I'm not feeling very string but I am sober, I know it will take time for the rest to come. I hope you are feeling ok tonight.

Sorry I haven't had a chance to catch up yet. I've been flat out working. Hopefully will get a chance to catch up tonight in bed. Just checking in so I don't lose the thread! I think I'm on day 24.

Garden gal you definitely have to do this for your son. How old is he? I cannot tell you how much closer I am to my son since I stopped. I have time for him. We talk in the morning we talk at night. We laugh! I havnt laughed with him in a long time.

You must do this. Life is too short and your son will grow up fast. I dint want my.son to recent me and tell me that I wasn't never there fir him. :-((

I also have to see my doctor next week. Having my liver tested again. The doctor told me to lay off the alcohol after Christmas for at least a month. Ofcourse I didn't until late Jan

I chose mine on Monday. She has 35 years of sobriety and I always liked her shares. I just asked her after the meeting and she said she would love to. We went for a coffee afterwards and I found out that she use to br an actress and also worked in Parliament. I knew there was something about her. I havnt got a clue what her role is but I can call her whenever I want. Ofcourse I tried yesterday and she dudnt puck up the phone.

Garden gal if there is someone you click with then just ask. I also had women come up to me and give me their number but I never asked because I dudnt feel we connected

I didn't even know they existed in our society. I always thought they hung around ashrams. I use to read alot of books by krisnamurti. I use to be spiritual in my twenties. I don't know what has happened to me. I am turning so dark and bitter with life since reaching my forties. Got to put a stop to this

Hey! I take one of those daily. I take them for my panic attacks because it ls suppose to induce serotonin. It's not cheap in the UK

Oldtomato I ate a bucket of ice-cream last night. But no regrets this morning. So grateful to be sober this morning

I think I have a good recovery plan but yesterday the AV was really strong. I was almost too weak to fight it. I think it was loneliness that triggered it off. And I just wanted to get drunk. Very scary

Wise words Dee
So wise. Will reread this post again and again

Will catch up later as there are other posts I want to reply to. I feel like I want to give everyone of you a hug today.
I cannot tell you how happy I am to be sober this morning. Catch you later

Morning all, I overslept by two hours and broke my streak of actually waking up when I'm supposed to!! Oh well. I'm off to a lunchtime meeting today, then a few hours of volunteering, then some teaching. I was considering going to a second evening meeting but I think I've got enough planned for today! Day 15 for me, halfway to the 30 day milestone!!

I was talking to a fellow AA last night about how I'm a bad sponsee. Whenever I'm getting a craving I sit through it myself, then a few hours after it I'll text me sponsor like "I almost had a drink earlier but I'm okay now". I got a telling off! I'm not really one to pick up the phone and ask someone for help, I find it really difficult. Probably need to get over that one.

jobei - Drinking will just make that apathy worse (as I believe Dee said earlier). It's true! Volunteering sounds like a great idea, it's so rewarding helping others and it gives you a sense of purpose in your sobriety. I'm hoping to start volunteering with the charity that supported me when I've got 6 months under my belt.

Sansa - Glad you're keeping busy, congrats on Day 24. Check in when you can!

a good plan should target those weak spots tho knb? Have you used this link at all?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

D

Ive moved month but Im thinking of Jobei and knb right now.

I haven't posted much because I haven't read much later as Im very unwell at the moment, but Im thinking of you two.

Hugs to you both

Congrats on being sober 2 weeks Old T!

Thanks Coco, keep checking back when you can! :grouphug:

Deelizadee – Apathy. It’s a dangerous emotion. What can you do to change this? You say that you can. What’s stopping you? I know I need goals to keep me interested and motivated. You sound like you have some? Jeez. I am the worst to talk about this. I am trying to find joy in my life again..dont know how and when but I sure do know that drinking wont bring it.

ONTT- Breakups are a huge trigger to completely lose it. I was engaged nearly three years ago but my fiancé cheated on me. That experience nearly killed me. I was on anti-depressants, I drank myself stupid for years and my anxiety was through the roof…for years. I still think of that time. Still not over it completely. I don’t think I ever will be to be honest. It was a life changing moment and it showed me that I am very capable of destroying myself. I think this year is going to be focused on my most important relationship. And that is me. Like JL mentioned… Its about self love. I stopped loving and caring for myself for many years. Its time I showed myself that I am worth something

Mel -I am guessing you are an athlete?

Badger- Be careful. I had the same thoughts.[nearly drank last night. I would have thrown away 36 days. So glad I didn’t

Oldtomato- I am the last one to cry out for help but I have to in order to stay sober.I have battled with this addiction on my own and I cant do it. I need to be accountable, I need to be vunerable, I need to tell people I am weak. It’s the only way forward for me. I need to be honest with myself and to others. You should see me at meetings. I bawl my eyes out. I vow that I wont but as soon as I share I am overcome with emotion. I spill everything out and man do I feel better for it. Its your pride that stops you from crying out for help.

Cococo- Thanks for your concern. Are you okay? Whats wrong?

Morning to anyone else I havnt mentioned in my post

Good morning folks.
Day 9. Think I counted wrong.
Tomorrow will be first double digit in 1-2 yrs.
3 long workdays to go til PIZZA Friday, instead of booze Friday.
Had a Oreo attack last night. Barely made it ! Lol