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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
(Post 3389636)
A note to Dcakes' post: Dr. Drew says that methadone maintenance controls the withdrawal and cravings so an addict can get off heroin, but that an addict on methadone isn't able to do the deep spiritual and psychological work necessary to find true recovery and emotional connection. So Dr. Drew advocates being totally clean. Perhaps your intuition knew all along that there just wasn't a spiritual connection taking place between you and your exabf.
Originally Posted by Pock89
(Post 3425216)
As of today, we are working on things. Taking it one day at a time, moving very slow. My boyfriend is still living in a sober house and will be there for at least another 3 months. As far as what has changed and what's new, I would say that MY outlook and opinions and approach to dealing with him has changed. I am more concerned about my own recovery, and the happenings going on in my own life, instead of being completed consumed by him and his needs. For example, a few days ago he was having some issues in the sober house with one of the guys and was contemplating leaving the house. A couple of months ago, I would have become consumed with worry about the "what ifs". What if he comes home? Is he ready? What if he relapses because he came home too early? I found after staying on this site, and attending naranon meetings, I had a completely different outlook on the situation. My outlook was more along the lines of, well he's not allowed back into our home together if he leaves the house so he'll have to make other arrangements. No worrying about HIS relapse and HIS recovery. If I could take anything away from his drug abuse the past year, it would be the understanding that I truly cannot control the actions of others. It is ultimately up to the addict to decide what kind of lifestyle they want to lead, whether that be a sober lifestyles, or a drug lifestyle. I can only control what I want in my own life, and how I want my own future to look. I've come to a complete understanding that I have my own boundaries, which include if he relapses, I'll be gone. I don't have room in my life for drugs, and I want to be with someone who also doesn't have room in their life for drugs. Right now, my boyfriend is doing really well. I'm very proud of all of the progress he's made. As long as he is in active recovery, I'll be willing to stay with him. If he relapses again, it'll be time for me to move on. Unfortunately when dealing with an addict, you never really know what tomorrow will bring. But you can control what YOUR tomorrow is going to look like. Today, I am happy with where our relationship is going, and I'm happy with my morals and beliefs that I have discovered the past few months. MY recovery is going well, and that's ultimately the most important.
Originally Posted by anvilhead
(Post 3461683)
IMHO, one of the best ways to quickly discern the TRUE intentions of an addict (even one recently clean...) is to say NO. how they react to that will tell you everything you need to know!!! if you can't say NO and/or he cannot RESPECT your NO, then there are other obvious issues. |
Originally Posted by Pock89
(Post 3461508)
Hello everyone! I'm back. So my boyfriend and I got back together after being apart for about a month. Things are really good. He's still living in the sober house, and we're doing couples counseling which starts on July 9. He's been clean for 4 months now. He told me last night that he has 8 more weeks until he gets out of the sober house. He's been talking about looking for places to live together when he gets out. And to be 100% honest, I don't know if I'm ready for that. Yes, we lived together before he relapsed and before he went into the sober house. And I remember when he first went to live in the house and do his 6 months there, all I wanted was for the 6 months to fly by so we could live together, and "move on with our lives". But now that it's right around the corner, I'm kind of freaking out. I don't know if living together is the best idea right now. I haven't really voiced my concerns about it to him yet, but I plan to do so when we have our first therapy session in a couple of weeks. I'm hoping that if I say it in front of the therapist, she can kind of help me get my point across. It's not that I don't want to be with him, and it's not that I don't want to have a future with him. Because I want all of that. However, I just have a lot of broken trust and I need to time to cope with that. But the thing is, I know that as long as we're together, there's always a chance of relapse. That's just one of the pitfalls of dating someone in recovery. Relapse is always a possibility. So I'm not sure why I think that waiting will be better. I know that he could relapse the day he gets out of the sober house. And I know he could relapse 15 years after getting out of the sober house. I don't know, I'm just really lost.... But aside from the living situation, I'm just feeling uneasy in general about him coming home. I'm absolutely terrified of him relapsing again. And I've been on this site long enough to know that my worry/concern is pretty pointless since I can't control him, and I know this. I know that the only thing I can control is my actions, and my emotions, and how I'm going to deal with the situation. I know that my life and my serenity comes before his. But I can't stop thinking about what's going to happen when he gets out of the house. I know that if he gets out of the sober house and relapses again, I'll have to say goodbye to him forever. I can't keep doing this. I'm a recovering alcoholic, very active in AA. So my other concern is, if he relapses or thinks it's okay to just drink and not do drugs (which is what he was doing before), how is that going to effect my own sobriety? My recovery from alcohol is my number one concern and I can't let someone else effect that. He seems to think that everything is going to be great because we'll both be on the same page, and go to meetings, and do the whole sober living thing together. But I can't get the thought of another possible relapse out of my head! I thought that I'd be so excited for him to get out and come home and we could move on with our lives. But I'm scared and uneasy. I feel like, although it's been hard since he's been away for 6 months, my mind is usually at ease because I know he's not using in the sober house. I know he's doing the right thing as long as he's living in that house. I won't have that ease of mind when he comes out. And I'm afraid that I'm going to be filled with worry like I was when he was first relapsing. ugh. I was you, alot of us here were, and I never thought I'd be here, right now, offering the words I am because when I wasn't ready to end the relationship, no one could tell me otherwise. Just listen to your voice and remember how relaxed you've been...if you want to see if the relationship will work, there are other ways vs. jumping right back in to living together. No matter what, my heart goes out to you and I wish you well, I really really do. |
I'm just shocked that I'm feeling like this! I thought at this point, with 8 weeks left until he comes home, I'd be so excited and counting down the days until he came home! And while I am excited for him to be around more often, I'm just so filled with all of these different emotions. I'm excited, nervous, scared, worried, paranoid, the list goes on and on. And I don't think he even realizes that I'm going through all of this. I haven't really spoken to him about all of these emotions but I think he should know how I'm feeling! I think he should know that he's caused a lot of damage and it's not going to be picnics and roses just because he did 6 months in a sober house. I'm almost frustrated with myself. When all of this first happened with his initial relapse, I was so naive. I thought that he would get clean and we'd be okay and everything would work itself out. I think I've grown up a lot since that happened and I'm just not floating on a cloud anymore.... |
It's a revelation for sure. How can we feel this way (lack of excitement) about the one we fell in love with? Aren't we supposed to be the one who is there for him unconditionally, be the one who would make a difference, and be strong when things go south? I beat myself up over this many many times. I also (and admittedly still do) have this incessant need for him to know how his actions affected me, I want him to know how much pain it all caused, I want to see him get down on his knees crying and tell me how sorry he is for all of this. But all of that is a fantasy. Then I realized, what's wrong with NOT living a life playing detective, driving to and from work WITHOUT crying, NOT having to worry if you left your checkbook or extra cash lying around, NOT questioning every word that comes out of your partner's mouth and above all else, what is wrong with wanting to be loved for who you are. I had a dream recently that I took him back and you know what? In the dream, actually felt trapped, like I had made a huge mistake. When I woke and realized it was a dream, I felt relaxed. You have a right to question if this is the right decision. And whatever you choose, it shouldn't be what you think is right for your bf or out of fear you might anger or hurt him, it has to be what is right and what FEELS right for you. Believe me I know, reminding my ex over and over that this is the weekend he's moving out (so he doesn't think I've softened or changed my mind) is hard. And knowing he will probably lose his car he worked so hard paying off the last two years, well, if right now isn't rock bottom for him, maybe that will be. Again, be stong....((hugs)) to you |
Okay I'm here completely freaking out. Last night, my boyfriend called me and told me that he's getting kicked out of the sober house in the morning because he failed to take a urine test last night. Says he has problems urinating in front of someone else. This has been going on for the entire 4 months he's been living at the house and I guess the man who is in charge of everyone in the house, told him that he'll have to leave. He told my boyfriend that he needs to pack up his things when he leaves for work in the morning. My boyfriend called his sponsor and his sponsor told him to call out of work and speak to the guy in the morning about it. So he did call out of work. He's talking to the guy at 9:00 this morning. I'm so full of emotions!!! I'm really nervous about his leaving the house. He says that he can't leave the house yet. I don't know if he thinks that he may pick up and use again if he leaves, and that's why he's nervous to leave... I can't go through another relapse with him! I've already been through 2 relapses with him, I can't handle another one. I've made the decision to leave him if he relapses again. I've come to this decision because he's been clean for 4 months, so now if he chooses to use again, it'll be because he wants to. He doesn't have the physical addiction to heroin anymore, he's not going through withdrawals or anything so if he picks up again, it'll be because he wants to. It's going to have to be me or the drugs. I've been around this forum long enough to hear other people's stories of how their addict chose the drugs over them and their family. I'm just very uneasy. I'll find out in an hour or so if he gets to stay in the house or not. But even if he does get to stay, he's getting out in 8 weeks...am I really going to feel any more at ease about it in 8 weeks than I do right now? Probably not. Any comforting words or advice? |
Oh and I forgot to add that he has been taking drug tests, but he does he at a local hospital. He sometimes will do blood tests instead of urine tests, and has always passed. So I know he's been clean for the 4 months. |
Last night, my boyfriend called me and told me that he's getting kicked out of the sober house in the morning because he failed to take a urine test last night. Says he has problems urinating in front of someone else. I would trust the sober house's rules and decision-making process here. They KNOW what they are doing; they do this every single day. If you cannot take another relapse, it is best that you not be emotionally involved with an addict or an alcoholic. |
IMHO, something is rotten in Denmark. My ex got kicked out of a couple rehabs but it was never his fault. You're gut is telling you what you need to know. Just my 2 cents. |
I'm not suspicious that he's using right now. But I am concerned that a relapse isn't far away. He would have to go home to live with his mother if he gets kicked out of the sober house. And I haven't heard from his mother yet (who usually calls if things like this happen), which means that he didn't call her to tell her he got kicked out. He hasn't called me either. I called and texted but he didn't answer. So now of course my mind is racing that he got kicked out and is now using. I don't know why I'm so on edge. |
You're so on edge because you are ENMESHED in his addiction, behavior, choices, recovery, relapse, and his life. He is a VERY sick man, Pock89, and sick people will make you sick. No doubt. I know in my heart exactly how your hope has felt. My stomach remembers exactly where you are. Try to take one giant step backward out of the web he has woven. Try to recognize that you are trapped in this web and you NEED to break free in order to SAVE YOURSELF. Try to accept that THE MOST LOVING thing you can do for him is to let him fall, let him fall quickly, and let him fall hard. Let Me Fall Let me fall Let me climb There’s a moment when fear And dreams must collide Someone I am Is waiting for courage The one I want The one I will become Will catch me So let me fall If I must fall I won’t heed your warnings I won’t hear them Let me fall If I fall Though the phoenix may Or may not rise I will dance so freely Holding on to no one You can hold me only If you too will fall Away from all these Useless fears and chains Someone I am Is waiting for my courage The one I want The one I will become Will catch me So let me fall If I must fall I won’t heed your warnings I won’t hear Let me fall If I fall There’s no reason To miss this one chance This perfect moment Just let me fall --Josh Groban |
I feel like I'm sliding right back into my codependent ways that I worked so hard to get out of!! |
Pock89, my ex (heroin addict) used to pass his urine tests with flying colors. Because he was out on parole he had to do these random urine test for his parole officer. He had to call this number to see if he needs to go in and pee... In fact, I used to drive him to government monitored places. He always passed .... even when he was using. Somehow he was getting clean pee from somebody and swapping the cup. When things got really bad, that's when I picked up the phone and called his probation officer. I didnt want him to die. He got taken away, got clean, let out, relapsed, and the abuse cycle repeated. Just wanted to throw this out there. That's how good they become at deceiving people. Even the professionals. |
If he gets kicked out that is his problem, not yours and I sure as h#ll wouldn't move in together with him under any circumstances. You can still play the codie dance and not live with him. There is more to this story, pay attention, get your focus where it belongs...on you. |
I'm baaaaaack So I've taken all of your advice to heart, and decided not to move in with him. And while part of me is disappointed that I won't be picking out couches and curtains anytime soon, I'm relieved. He leaves the sober house in 4 weeks and will go live at his mother's house. I'm a little nervous because she lives in a neighborhood where he knows everyone (he grew up in this house), and everyone he knows in that town is heavily involved with drugs. His mother told me this morning that she's going to drug test him randomly and if he refuses to take a test, or doesn't pass a test, he'll be out. I'm fighting so hard not to slip back into my codependent thoughts about worrying if he's going to relapse once he gets out of the sober house next month. It's hard to push those thoughts out of my head sometimes. However, I'm reading Codependent No More and loving it. It helps quiet my mind when I feel like I'm getting onto one of those emotional roller coasters again. Just thought I'd give you all an update on my status. Can you believe it's been 6 months since all of this happened?! I can feel myself changing and growing stronger. And it's a direct result of all of you! Thank you, thank you, thank you. XO |
I find when my codie alter ego rears it's ugly head, taking a deep breath and reciting a little mantra helps me. "If you worried about YOURSELF as much as you worry about HIM, how much happier would you be?" Whatever gets you throught it! I will say that your codie alter will come back. Be sure you're armed and kill it on sight. |
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