I do believe that I can pretty much objectively say that you will not be able to "work things out" as in working them out to be the way they used to be.

One great reminder of recovery is this...to be present and live in the moment!

For me? I realized that if I want to have any sort of relationship with my ex...in any form whatsoever (re: we have many common friends in our life and share rooms of recovery as well) as in civil, caring and compassionate I have to accept EXACTLY where he is at...

all of the promises that we used to make, that he used to charm and woo and romance me with (yowzaa...gorgeous!!!) just aren't really truly possible! They were a dream of a possibility, for the future, and they can not take place in the reality of "dating an active/relapsing/very newly clean addict.

many of the ways that I fell in love had to do with my own deep want and desire for partnership and planning and living together in joy and harmony...
but you would be VERY hard pressed to find anyone still struggling with addiction who can sustain any sort of possibility of those promises. you can call this lying and manipulation...or you can call it believing in a fantasy (two sides of the same coin)

you have to really carefully discern your perspective and clarify what it is YOU want, need, desire, hope for...and then determine what he is really capable of sustaining!!!!!!

I realized that when I step way way way back from the gorgeous intelligent loving man that made the most beautiful promises to me...that he is struggling really hard. without me he is living in a rented room with one bed, roofing out in the cold instead of attaining his masters degree in psyche counseling, he keeps "slipping" and using his resources on his DOC, can't maintain a relationship with his kids (16 & 13) and moves from one sober house to the next...one pick up job to the next...

anyway, looking at the REALITY instead of the dream...

that is one way to "work things out" really look at the REALITY of what you are "signing up for"

many of us would rather continue in denial and delusion rather than face heartache

sometimes our "staying with the person we have discovered love with" is sacrificing the long term whole life benefits for the short term dose of love. seriously, love is super powerful...and sometimes the source is unreliable, tainted, unsustainable and crazy-making. but "cutting ourselves off" from the source is something we don't want to face.

there are always possibilities...and then there are probabilities.
keep getting help on discerning your perspective
keep reaching out for help determining your reality
in the end it is always your choice, your life
choose with care and love for yourself!

Yes.

It IS hard, it IS going to hurt and your heart IS going to ache. You're going to feel lonely and sad and confused. I was SO sad. For a long time. I wasn't myself. Just thinking about how sad I was makes me feel sad for that girl. I had to work through that sadness.

I changed my mindset. I became excited at the opportunity for a new me, a new him, a new chapter in my life. Whoo hoo! I was free. I'll tell you what, I became a better me. He is the same! I don't mean to sound harsh, but nothing substantial has changed.

I got back in school full-time. That is what I did for myself. I did all of the things I always wanted to do. Sometimes I dragged my feet and I only wanted to lay in bed and cry, but I am SO grateful I had others to encourage me to keep going. It DOES get better. You DO think clearer. Time itself doesn't heal. You have to work on healing during that time.

I cut off contact for a couple of months. I blocked everything associated with him. Mean? Maybe. It was what was necessary for me to get out of that sad place. We eventually got in touch again and even Mr. Junkie was so proud of my accomplishments. He cried.

I still miss him, but it no longer breaks my heart. Make sense? When I miss him, I call him and then I remember why we broke up. :ValA004: Same song on repeat.

We always hope. But don't let that hope keep you from living your life as it is NOW. You might be waiting years for this change to occur.

My therapist told me the most loving thing I could do for him is to let go:

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.

Sober living homes, in my opinion, are like a fraternity house to those who aren't working a program-a big party. My AXBF got into a LOT of trouble living there. I followed him through several. I always hoped. I was always disappointed. He didn't follow the rules, he used drugs, he got kicked out, he met people worse off than him and befriended them. Some were co-ed and yes, you can imagine what kind of things went on. Some were very strict and structured. Some were like a slumber party. I WISH I would have let him work through ALL of that BEFORE I decided to be in a committed relationship. I WISH I didn't see what I experienced.

I know this is cliche, but if you really love the guy, let him work on himself. Give him that chance, that opportunity, that space. He needs to sort things out for himself. He is struggling with addiction!

Another thing, once my AXBF went into a 90 day Christian treatment program and broke up with me in a letter. He said he needed to be alone, I was bringing him down (imagine that) and he needed to focus on his relationship with God. At the time, it was nuts. Now, I can appreciate where it was coming from. He was so desperate to live a clean and sober life. I was a DISTRACTION to his recovery.

My point in all of this rambling is that like you, I thought this sober living home was going to be it-the be all end all. Once he got through that, it would be okay. This is a lifelong process for him.

Let him figure things out. Maybe in a couple of months or a year, get in touch and see where each of you are in your life. What I am trying to shield you from is the ugliness of addiction. I was strung along for years. It was unnecessary.

Now, how is Pock89 going to take care her of her precious self? That is your focus now. What makes you laugh and smile? What soothes your soul? Try P90x and I promise you won't be thinking about him! I focused my energy and time into exercise and I juiced for 3 months. Talk about a confidence boost! I am in school full-time for Nursing, although I now want to be a PA, I took a cake decorating class, I am also studying Ministry. These things make me happy. Once I became involved in other areas, I met new people, learned new things.

AXBF and I broke up and got back together many, many times and sometimes it was good, most of the time it wasn't. He always relapsed. He was always "starting over." Is that how you want to live your life? Don't get stuck in the fantasy. The illusion is a scary place to be ...

"Always starting over"

hades...if THAT didn't hit a nerve!!!!!!!!!!

All this stuff they are going to do IN THE FUTURE.
Spouting all that CRAP...."a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

Starting ANYTHING is EASY. It's finishing that counts.
There is nothing worse than listening to a 50-yr old woman who nuked
her family,home,and future telling me she is "going to get her sh*t together"

(But not today).I did EVERYTHING I could for her........but this waiting for
the starting gun of life..........LADY! It went off 32 yrs ago when you turned 18!!!
The competition of life didn't stop when you got addicted----it continues in full
force.That babe that moved in on your -ex understands that....she snapped up a
good thing when you got into this addictive mess.Now SHE is living in YOUR house
(that YOU are restrained by court order from going near).Soon she will have his medical,
retirement,love of his kids,and HER NEW HOME.All you'll have is your southie
addict 'lifestyle' (should be called deathstyle----'cuz it's NOT LIFE)

Sorry,had to vent...2+ years of this codie crap------I've had enough.I hope my
SR pals (who have so artfully helped me see the truth) understand when someone just has to vent.

(can't text it to her....no contact since 12/21/2011...only smart thing I've done in this whole mess!)

i just want to thank everyone who has posted in this thread. and thank you again, pock, for sharing all of this. it has helped me tremendously

Pock89, I met my boyfriend when he had 9 months clean from IV heroin. He was in a 30 day rehab after jail, then went to a halfway house for 4 months and now is in a sober living environment. There is no staff where he lives now it is all peer run. They have certain requirements that they have to do in order to stay there. He has been there for about 7 1/2 months and has about 22 months clean. He can talk to me anytime he wants, he comes and goes as he pleases except he has to be in by 11 pm I think. He is allowed to spend 3 nights out a week but not in a row, and I can stay overnight there if I want up to 3 nights a week. Some guys in the house have cars some don't, some have cells some don't but it's up to them to get them and pay for them. They all pay rent, have household chores, have to attend a certain number of meetings a week, etc. I think it is really helpful for those who really want to be in recovery and who are willing to do the work. Those that don't end up relapsing and then have to leave the house. I found it hard when he was in a halfway house and I couldn't talk to him when I wanted for as log as I wanted or see he when I wanted for as long as I wanted. However I adjustde to it. Sometimes it is harder now because I am ready for more and want more and thought I would see and talk to him more and I don't always get to due to whatever is going on at the house or whatever. I believe that this has been a good thing for him and has enhanced the tools he has learned and it is a safe environment for him. It's not always easy but it can be done. I am sorry you are going through this. For me I have never known him in active addiction but I do know him as a recovering addict. He has to be willing to do the work and want recovery more then he has ever wanted anything.

Good luck to you and you can contact me if you want to talk

Pock I am so sorry. I posted the last response before reading the whole thread. I want to say I have felt some of the things you were feeling while you were with your ex. I worry about him, but ironically I rarely worry about his relapse. Once in a while that crosses my mind but not often. I am sorry that things worked out the way they did, but honestly how cruel and heartless he was to you speaks volumes about him and his character. You are probably better off without him if that is who he is. All break ups where feelings are involved are hard, but you will survive, you will pick up your pieces and you will be better than ok. You have to, you are all you have. It is up to you to write on your wall of destiny and to give yourself all you deserve. You can and should be your best friend. Take care of you and again if you need to talk you can contact me.

An update on what's been going on...
My ex sent me a text last night saying the he made a mistake, and wants to work on things. And I didn't take him back! Somehow I've managed to gain enough strength to be okay with being without him. I know he needs much more time to deal with himself and I need to deal with myself as well. I wake up in the morning and feel calm, and at peace...without him. I don't want to change that. Of course I still love him, and I still want to be with him but now is just not the time for that. And I'm okay with that.
So today...I feel proud. I think this was a big step in the right direction for me.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me, day and night, day after day, hour after hour. It is because of all of you that I have found this strength and inner peace. And I'm not letting it go for anything or anyone!

I'm so lost for words........im not on here very much..I've been having a few problems at the moment..I see myself in you...I've Nver done pills or no heavy drug...my boyfriend of almost 20 yrs is a drug addict..he's been clean off and on for 19 and some yrs....to me at the moment i don't believe in them getting clean..I know deep down it can happen..but I'm going the it once again and i have 18 yr old boy and 11 yrs old girl...its pure out hell...and yes he did shot up at times ....when they are looking,needing the drug whatever it may be.....they will do whatever they have to...I'm so hurt and broken....i dnt have anytging left inside me....please be careful,and always listen to your gut feeling ....I'm still with him, and at the moment i dnt knw why.....

pock i am so happy for you and your new found serenity!

my ex bf had a heroin problem, smoked it. His mom found out, and sat by him for days until he went cold turkey and detoxed. that was months before i met him, and then 6 months into the relationship i found him snorting roxies in teh bathroom. he told me that it was for pain, but when he would stop he d be in more pain than he would be without them totally. he was dependant. he did go into out patient methadone treatment, and his personality changed like day and night within a few months. We dated for 2 years, and i left him 3 months ago. i just didnt see him anymore as a husband/father type, and since he had only been out of his 8 month outpaitent for a few months, he didnt want anything to do with marriage or kids like ive been wanting for years- so i left.

I guess my advice for you is to really sit down and think about exactly what you really KNOW YOU WANT in life. Then add him to the equation- Can or will he give you these thigns? If not, then thats an answer. it looks like you want to stand by him, which is SO hard but doable.

my bf was supposedly clean for months and months when i left him, i still constantly worry about him. i guess thats the part of loving somebody but you dont have to deal with this in your life if you dont want to.

Also i learned that addicts need to get help for themselves, otherwise it may not work.

Thank God for turning the corner, Pock. I'm happy for your turn in a new direction and love for yourself.

I also want to send a hug to ladybug34.

A note to Dcakes' post:

Dr. Drew says that methadone maintenance controls the withdrawal and cravings so an addict can get off heroin, but that an addict on methadone isn't able to do the deep spiritual and psychological work necessary to find true recovery and emotional connection. So Dr. Drew advocates being totally clean.

Perhaps your intuition knew all along that there just wasn't a spiritual connection taking place between you and your exabf.

When I first searched for answers I read ur story and that's why I joined this site lol... as of today how are things... what's neww what has changed?

As of today, we are working on things. Taking it one day at a time, moving very slow.
My boyfriend is still living in a sober house and will be there for at least another 3 months. As far as what has changed and what's new, I would say that MY outlook and opinions and approach to dealing with him has changed. I am more concerned about my own recovery, and the happenings going on in my own life, instead of being completed consumed by him and his needs.
For example, a few days ago he was having some issues in the sober house with one of the guys and was contemplating leaving the house. A couple of months ago, I would have become consumed with worry about the "what ifs". What if he comes home? Is he ready? What if he relapses because he came home too early?
I found after staying on this site, and attending naranon meetings, I had a completely different outlook on the situation. My outlook was more along the lines of, well he's not allowed back into our home together if he leaves the house so he'll have to make other arrangements. No worrying about HIS relapse and HIS recovery.
If I could take anything away from his drug abuse the past year, it would be the understanding that I truly cannot control the actions of others. It is ultimately up to the addict to decide what kind of lifestyle they want to lead, whether that be a sober lifestyles, or a drug lifestyle. I can only control what I want in my own life, and how I want my own future to look.
I've come to a complete understanding that I have my own boundaries, which include if he relapses, I'll be gone. I don't have room in my life for drugs, and I want to be with someone who also doesn't have room in their life for drugs. Right now, my boyfriend is doing really well. I'm very proud of all of the progress he's made. As long as he is in active recovery, I'll be willing to stay with him. If he relapses again, it'll be time for me to move on.
Unfortunately when dealing with an addict, you never really know what tomorrow will bring. But you can control what YOUR tomorrow is going to look like.
Today, I am happy with where our relationship is going, and I'm happy with my morals and beliefs that I have discovered the past few months. MY recovery is going well, and that's ultimately the most important.

Hello OP and everyone, I am new to posting on a sobriety blog but I am not new to reading posts on various forum sites re heroin use.

Thought I could share my own journey for insights.

I am 27 turning 28 and I dated a hardcore heroin addict for 3 years while I was in law school. I have since graduated from law school and havent had contact with this person for almost 1 year. He recently contacted me and said How much he loves me as a friend, that I'm the best person that he's ever met, that I'm his best friend and that he wants me in his life. He had tried to contact me in the last year a few times but I've ignored it all... this past week when I picked up a random number, it was him wanting to talk.

I met him the first year in my law school when I moved away from home and family. I've never been exposed to drugs, come from a happy and supportive family, and most of my friends back home are the ones that I grew up with and the friends in my circle are just your typical healthy and hard working young people with healthy hobbies. This should tell you I had no idea what drug uses are like nor the effect it had on the people involved with addicts... until I met him.

Before I continue, let me just put this straight and simple. For those of you doubting if you should stay or not because you are hurting too much, RUN AND RUN AND DONT TURN BACK. If you thrive on hurting and suffering, then stay. Nobody can help you get out until you make that decision that enough is enough.

So law school itself is already a gut wrenching process. I dont even know how I graduated considering what I've went through. I fell for this person and got deeply deeply attached to him. When I first met him he had been slowly coming out of a program for addicts and had been clean for some time...

to make the story short: he has relapsed over and over during our 3 years together. He was also in and out of jail and prisons. He is a chronic liar, most likely cheated on me (til this day he wont admit but it doesnt matter to me anymore), stole the checkbooks from his bankrupt parents and wiped their accounts clean, stole from me, PRESSURED me for money and made me feel horrible when I didnt want to lend him any ... not to mention, I've dedicated most of my time to taking care of this person. Driving him to work, picking him up, driving him to detox, finding him doctors, help him look for jobs... Trying to hide my purses, lock my ipod/camera/checkbooks and hiding my other valuable things...

I used to wait hours to see him in jail, while studying my "criminal law" textbook. how ironic... wth was I thinking?

For the longest time I was scared and convinced that I could not be without this person but after I got out (thankfully I graduated and moved away)... life has been peaceful, quiet, and SAFE. The hardest part is leaving but once you leave, you really do start to heal.

I've tried for 3 years trying to "Save" this person until I learned that I cant save anyone and that it's better for me to take care of myself and look into surrounding myself with positive and strong people. Life is short, and I no longer wish to give anymore of my time and energy suffering for someone else's addiction.

I also realized that someone who truly loves and respect themselves will not put up with this kind of shiet for so long. I realized that I had my own issues that I need to deal with which is co-dependecy.

Moreover, back to the phone call. After talking to him for 2 hours where he showered me with praises and old fun memories ... I felt like **** for 3 days and cried on and off. Enough is Enough. I sent him a text and let him know that maybe we could connect one day but right now it's not the time. I'm still trying to pass the California bar exam .. he cost me one exam already because I was in no place to study then and sobbed everyday. He said he has been clean but he still drinks... *BAD SIGN* Drinking leads to coke which leads to heroin... this was always the case with him... it's just a ticking time bomb.

My Best friend just reminded me yesterday that I am on a different path and in a different world than this person and that I can't take everything and everyone with me.

Recovery takes HARD WORK. If the addict is not putting that kind of work in.. any kind of relationship (friendship, etc) is out of the question.

I'm sick of having chest pains... sick of crying... sick of worrying about a person overdosing dying... Did that for 3 years, NO MORE. Enough is Enough!

If an arm is rotting off of you, best to cut it off and hurt then, than let it infect you and kill you altogether.

Hello everyone!
I'm back.

So my boyfriend and I got back together after being apart for about a month. Things are really good. He's still living in the sober house, and we're doing couples counseling which starts on July 9. He's been clean for 4 months now.
He told me last night that he has 8 more weeks until he gets out of the sober house. He's been talking about looking for places to live together when he gets out. And to be 100% honest, I don't know if I'm ready for that. Yes, we lived together before he relapsed and before he went into the sober house. And I remember when he first went to live in the house and do his 6 months there, all I wanted was for the 6 months to fly by so we could live together, and "move on with our lives". But now that it's right around the corner, I'm kind of freaking out.
I don't know if living together is the best idea right now. I haven't really voiced my concerns about it to him yet, but I plan to do so when we have our first therapy session in a couple of weeks. I'm hoping that if I say it in front of the therapist, she can kind of help me get my point across. It's not that I don't want to be with him, and it's not that I don't want to have a future with him. Because I want all of that. However, I just have a lot of broken trust and I need to time to cope with that. But the thing is, I know that as long as we're together, there's always a chance of relapse. That's just one of the pitfalls of dating someone in recovery. Relapse is always a possibility. So I'm not sure why I think that waiting will be better. I know that he could relapse the day he gets out of the sober house. And I know he could relapse 15 years after getting out of the sober house. I don't know, I'm just really lost....

But aside from the living situation, I'm just feeling uneasy in general about him coming home. I'm absolutely terrified of him relapsing again. And I've been on this site long enough to know that my worry/concern is pretty pointless since I can't control him, and I know this. I know that the only thing I can control is my actions, and my emotions, and how I'm going to deal with the situation. I know that my life and my serenity comes before his. But I can't stop thinking about what's going to happen when he gets out of the house.
I know that if he gets out of the sober house and relapses again, I'll have to say goodbye to him forever. I can't keep doing this.
I'm a recovering alcoholic, very active in AA. So my other concern is, if he relapses or thinks it's okay to just drink and not do drugs (which is what he was doing before), how is that going to effect my own sobriety? My recovery from alcohol is my number one concern and I can't let someone else effect that. He seems to think that everything is going to be great because we'll both be on the same page, and go to meetings, and do the whole sober living thing together. But I can't get the thought of another possible relapse out of my head!

I thought that I'd be so excited for him to get out and come home and we could move on with our lives. But I'm scared and uneasy. I feel like, although it's been hard since he's been away for 6 months, my mind is usually at ease because I know he's not using in the sober house. I know he's doing the right thing as long as he's living in that house. I won't have that ease of mind when he comes out. And I'm afraid that I'm going to be filled with worry like I was when he was first relapsing.

ugh.

This crossroads is really about you. If you are going to live with him you will need to examine these things:

Are you able to detach COMPLETELY from his addiction and his addictive behaviors when those occur (dry or not)?

Are you able to give his problems COMPLETELY to him and let them go and concentrate completely on your own right to happiness, growth, friendships, sobriety, and career? Are you able to live your life fully and with confidence that you deserve a good life no matter what he is doing or whether he is in trouble with his addiction or not?

Are you able to maintain your sense of worth no matter how he might try to damage that if he is acting out?

Can you take yourself completely out of the picture when it comes to his addiction, his problems, his hang-ups, his choices, his moods, his failures?

If your answer is yes, then giving it a go is not a major risk to you, even if things go badly and you decide to separate again.

If your answer to any of those questions is no, or don't-know, then you are putting yourself at great risk of once again diving into his disease with him.

So, focus on you, and you will be able to get clarity.

heroin is really something else.

my ex was in a sober living house for 2 years... it was one of the best programs in the country. very stringent and operated like a boot camp. They taught disciplines and enforced consequences.

so he was there for 2 years ... came out and relapsed. Went back in for 6 more months... came out and relapsed. went back in for another 4 months... came out and relapsed. Eventually he just went back to prison because the program was done with him. Let me tell you, each time it was a living hell and I didnt even live with him. I knew better than to open myself up to that kind of risks. He did briefly lived with me during a time when he had no place to stay and of course he relapsed while staying with me too. I cant imagine if we were fully living together. What kind of nightmare that would have been.

What's wrong with being together but not live together right away for right now. You have the right to be concerned about sobriety.

Like your ex, my ex also drank alcohol and thought it was ok. All sorts of excuses. Wait and see if I were you.