I live in the possibilities of each day ... not waiting for some shoe to drop, that might never ... what a horrible existence.

In order to get on with things for me and work on myself, there was a lot of acceptance in the simple reality of it all.

My husband is an addict.
His using carried consequences, some of them horrible and yet all of which were his, including the possibility of death. And make no mistake they do know death is a possibility, and even in that there is an acceptance. They accept the risk of using.
I also accepted that I can not keep anyone alive, will them to live or be there will to live, they must live for themselves ... really it doesn’t work any other way.
Once I got this then the work was so much easier to do for me and on me. Peace was easier to find too.

You are going to have to let go, find some acceptance in the situation, and understand you have no control, even your boundaries aren’t going to get him well and if you set them with any reason having to do with him and what you think they would do to help him, or hurt him for that matter then you are cheating yourself.

A couple of days ago, I went to lunch with my boyfriend. It's been about 30 days that he's been in this sober house.

I asked him if he ever feels remorse for what he's done and he says that he doesn't really feel badly. He says that as he's working through the steps, the step about making amends to the people he has hurt is going to be the hardest one.
He said something like, "it is what it is, relapse just happened".

My question is, should I EVER expect an apology? Or is this just the nature of an addict?

Verbal apologies mean nothing...watch his actions, they will tell you the whole story.

So, what are you doing for yourself, how are those meetings? And, have you set your bounderies?

I'm struggling with the idea of whether or not I should expect an apology because I willingly put up with all of his addict behavior.
But it does worry me that he has no real remorse about what he's done and all of the lives he's affected.
I don't know if it's just too early in his recovery to be expecting some kind of apology, or to expect him to feel a certain way about what has happened, or if this is just how addicts are, and he's just doing what addicts do.

I'm going to another Naranon meeting tomorrow night.

Pock,

Just from my experience, my BF has a lot of guilt over things he did while he was using. *When I met him; he was clean. So I don't know how quickly those feeling came to him.*
But he did relapse after we were together.
I disagree in that a verbal apology means nothing; it does however depend on the sincerity behind it. My BF has sincerely apologized to me for the things that he did during his relapse; but he has also gone to great lengths to show by his actions how sorry he is; and then most important- he's been actively working on the issues that caused it in the first place.

I have also met some really great people here on SR that are recovering themselves, and while most have guilt, some struggle with saying I'm Sorry to those they have hurt; the whole confrontation and just admitting how deeply their actions did affect others. *

I would give it some time.*

Dear Pock,

Look to yourself to find patience, insight and understanding on this one. In our situation...addiction/codependency/relationship it is probably quite natural to "expect" an apology. Here are a few pointers from my E, S & H: expectations can lead to resentment; expecting an apology before the other person has really done some exploration around the need for said apology means that you might end up forcing a premature, shallow apology...and then the deeper work and understanding get band-aided with "your need" for an apology.

Also, pay heed and seek understanding on cynical one's post...as you continue to do YOUR work, you will discover that YOU have some apologies to make.

When one person in recovery asks another person in recovery about this sort of apology... it can be what is referred to as "taking someone else's inventory"...instead of cleaning up your own side of the street. It's easy to focus on HIS apology.

Also, look into the idea that your fear of his relapse may have hidden somewhere in it a fear of his successful recovery...maybe, just maybe.

I think you are expecting a done and over thing and it won’t be. It will take him a long time to see if and where his thinking isn’t right, who he hurt and how … he will go through many stages of learning as he is working on himself… and the learning will be on his time line, not anyone else's.

You really have your focus on the wrong person…And for as much as you seem to want him to do the work, and get well NOW … when might you start working on you?

Honestly, a verbal apology would be irrelevant to me. I don't know whether that's because I'm used to being told 'YOU want ME to apologise?! Who do you think you are? Get over it'.. But actions speak much louder than words. Is he in 12 step? I assume when he reaches step nine he will make amends in whichever way he decides is appropriate. But expecting an apology won't achieve anything and will just make you feel resentful.

He's going to AA and NA meetings every night. He goes 7 nights a week.
I can see that he is working his program and he's definitely changing and growing and things are going really well for him.
I'd rather SEE that he's changed, than have him just telling me. However, I can't help but find myself feeling almost ripped off! I feel as if, he caused complete chaos in my life, took me on a rollercoaster through hell, and is now doing fine and everything is going well for him but I'm just left with these awful memories and scars from what has happened.
Has anyone ever felt like this, in early recovery? My emotions change almost everyday. It's exhausting.

Great! He is getting the support, encouragement, perspective and tools he needs to start and continue upon a life long journey of recovery. Are you?

At this point your future is spotless. It is going to take a lot of hard work, a lot of commitment, a lot of SUPPORT (!), leaps of faith, encouragement and love and laughter and forgiveness and introspection and service to others...the list goes on and on and on.

The list is a description of life. A constructive life, filled with connection and spirit.

The chaos, the scars, the hurt, the memories of pain...that is all part of YOUR life. You two created those together. Depending on where you are at in your recovery it will either make sense or not to hear that statement. Moving forward in recovery can be scary because the status quo balance of your relationship starts to shift.

You need to do the work you need to do to heal and be as healthy as you can for you.
You will need to forgive yourself for allowing the scarring to happen too. Recovery is a deep, complex, living, soulful wild place to be and to grow from.

Of course it is natural to be "like, wait a minute! why does he get off 'scott free' and get all the love and attention..."

Let me tell you that he will be delving into every scar, every moment...if he stays in recovery and grows he will encounter every moment of his life and come to reckoning with it...clearing his mind, heart and soul of the pain he has been part of. He will be healing from his disease as he does so.

Your needs, your fears...they can make demands that can disrupt the process, get in the way...etc etc. This is why so many people suggest "no relationships the first year". (!!!) ANYONE involved in the "system of an addiction" benefits themselves and the addict by gathering support and resources for their own recovery from the addiction/dysfunction. But if you are a romantic partner it is pretty much essential!! This is why I mentioned the taboo of "fear of his recovery"...a partner can feel left in the dust/out of balance/cheated out of holding the purse strings on guilt.

You are going to be okay pock! You're reaching out and asking the questions you need to ask, you are being honest!! Kudos to you!! Keep working on yourself, you are so worth it! Get all the support you can find, you are at the beginning of a great journey.

Pock,
His addiction preceded and has nothing to do with you. The risk of relapse has not not changed since you first met. He did not relapse at you. This was not personal. He is not reponsible for your emotions.

WOW. Pock, i very much feel the same roller coaster of emotions from day to day as you are feeling. My RAXGF is in a sober living as well, and i have found myself worrying to much about what SHE is doing rather than what I am doing for MYSELF. I decided for us to take a break so that she can focus on her, and I on myself. Keep posting here, and keep attending you group meetings. Work your program!

I've been gone for a while.
My EX boyfriend now has been living in a sober house for the past 2 months. Friday night he broke up with me through a text message....telling me that he needs to focus on himself, and he needs to love himself before he can love me. Which I understand his need to focus on him, but then he threw in there that he never loved me.
The man I gave everything to, who turned me life upside down (I know I let him do this, but it still hurts), tells me that he never loved me.
I can't help but feel that he was only using me because he needed someone when he relapsed.
Needless to say, I'm a wreck. I'm disgusted, angry, hurt, upset, depressed all at the same time.
I can't eat, I throw up every time I do.
I know it's better to move on and find someone who doesn't have all of these issues but I cant help feeling like I went through so much, he was finally doing well and I had so much hope for the future, and now he leaves.
I'm miserable and I feel hopeless.

I just don't understand how he could be so heartless after everything I've done for him.

It blows my mind.

Pock ~

I feel for you but I think you are really missing the whole lesson here. Don't let this be a missed opportunity.

You can move on.....but most likely you will still bring your codependent issues with you into your next relationship. Take this time...to work on YOU so you can have a healthy relationship when you are ready!