I feel like I'm living in my own personal hell. I keep waiting for him to call, knowing he won't, even knowing I don't want him to. I think this is pretty standard for someone living in a sober house to make sure all of the focus is on them, which I understand...but that doesn't make me feel any better....

I'm just lost.

He is working on him.....let him! Now start working on YOU and you wont be so lost.

You have an addiction issue too (like me)...you're addicted to your addict! Start YOUR own recovery. That's far more of a turn on to a healthy guy!

It's easy to sit around and complain...but far more rewarding to do something with YOUR on life!! Just sayin.....

pock, i just realized last week that i am addicted to my adddict as well. codependent is the watered down way of putting things. it was quite disturbing to say the least to realize this. when she came in town to visit i was on a high, then when she relapsed...i started my wiithdrawls. its crazy how your body reacts, i was queezy, no appetite, sick to my stomach, dry heaving. she got the first flight back out to SL asap, a good sign for her to say the least. but just like you i have to focus on myself and not worry about her. i went to another meeting that night, and spoke up about needing a sponsor. people reached out. i now have a sponsor, and i am ready to start working on me. i say all this because i know EXACTLY how you feel right now. and it is all still so fresh in my mind, but the focus has to be on what is right in front of me at this moment. so i say to you, reach out and let a sponsor guide you.

Do what you can one thing at a time to take care of you. You have no control over his actions. It is no use trying to figure out why he did what he did.

If you are feeling so lost without him, then it is time for you to work on yourself. I have had that desperate feeling before of feeling completely lost without an ex-. It is an awful place to be, but you can heal. This is a good time to journal, to work with a counselor, and to discover what you enjoy doing. For me, I would take long bubble baths with candles all around the sides. It also helps to get a haircut. Go find some stuff for a facial--whatever it takes to refocus on yourself.

It's just the craziest feeling. I'm so angry with him, but I'm dying for him to reach out to me. I don't want to talk to him because I'm disgusted, but everytime my phone rings I hope it's him. And I can't explain why.
I want to move on and go meet someone else, but at the same time, I want to stay at home and cry.

I'm so confused. I know I HAVE to focus on me but it's hard when all I think about is what happened. Everytime I tell people that we broke up, no one seems surprised. It's like I'm the only one that's surprised.

Shut your phone off, go for a walk, put on some fun dancing music, clean out your closet, go to Church. Do something for YOU! What you had was NOT love..it was sick and diseased. Accept that, be thankful you didn't have kids together, a house, financial obligations, etc You have much to be thankful for. Thank God for all your blessings! There are many!!

Your post is all too familiar ... I love a man, just like you do, who is afflicted with addiction and I stayed by his side for years. AND I continued to keep in touch with him after the (forced) break-up because I still hoped for change. I don't want to discourage you, but here I am, approaching 6 years and NOTHING has changed. It's worse.

Mine was clean and sober 3 years when I met him and very active in our church. He relapsed, began using meth behind my back. Started poppin prescription pills ... (this is about the time I left) and graduated to heroin and crack. Countless jail/prison terms, relapses, detox, rehabs, sober living homes ... Christ-centered treatment programs ... moved cities, states ... jobs ... I could go on and on. I believed him when he cried for help EVERY single time.

What started as natural concern for my partner turned into severe codependency. I became so consummed with his problems, I neglected myself. If I could give you one piece of advice, take care of YOU. Not saying to leave or stay. Pray for him. We never really lose hope, but just take care of yourself, girl ... and know what you're getting into. Addiction is UGLY. There isn't a topical cream to treat it. They say with addiction, you're either using or in remission. It's something that will always be with him, not you. Learn to detach. Go to meetings, see a therapist, read: Codependent No More.

Another thing to consider, I prayed for so long that he would stop using and walk a straight line. He did for a while, several times. What I observed (I am a Nursing/PA student) during our relationship and especially during the periods of non-use is anti-social/sociopathic behavior. He fit every characteristic of someone with ASPD. He was eventually diagnosed with a personality disorder!

I still love him very, very much, but it became no longer worth it for me to be in a romantic relationship with this guy. We could never be normal and progress normally ... like get married, buy a house, have a family. It saddens me too that I can't even be friends with him or keep in touch. All he does at this point is ask for money and favors and attempt to manipulate me - remember I stayed by his side while he was in jail, prison ... rehab ... I never reaped the benefits of this "new" person he was to become. I never saw that person. He is in a very bad place and the only thing I can do is pray for him and be good to ME.

My X is sick, he isn't a bad person. He is in active addiction doing what addicts do. Most new people he meets have no clue who he really is and what's really going on in his life. So sometimes we think we know everything because he "says" so, but watch his actions. Stop being surprised! My X is charming, smart (very!), more than good-looking, he is beyond handsome, funny, talented, brilliant. BUT he isn't any of those things while in active addiction. Right now, I don't even think he has a soul.

Just think about you, take care of you. Work on being the best version of yourself and let him do the same. Protect your heart and remember: Love never fails: It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Read that last word again: perseveres. You can love him, but can you be WITH him at this point? If you're taking care of him, who is taking care of you?

You can message me anytime you want. Hugs.

I missed a few of your posts and I just read that he broke up with you.

A word of caution ... not advice. He will be back. They ALWAYS come back. However, when he does, it will most likely be for self-serving reasons. So be prepared. Let him go.

I spent a MONTH worrying my AF was homeless,hungry,living on the streets.I KNEW she was going
"upriver" soon on a series of charges.Every week a short msg from me...."I hope you are OK"...
"I hope nothing serious has happened to you"
Week 4? I get a message from her "could you please drop some cash by? I'm at my
(hard time felon BF's place) in Charlestown (MA)"
It doesn't change..it can't change.They are addicts...this is what they do.

I thank my SR friends for their wisdom in aiding me to recognize this pattern....and END IT.

How is her life going to end up? That's her business.My life is fantastic--and getting
better every day the farther I get from her dysfunction.

Unless you are a professional rescuer (paid/trained/compensated/professional) like
a firefighter,EMT,para-rescue person........

----stay out of it.:c031:

People tell me that he'll eventually be back once he's moved out of the sober house. I hope by that point, I truly don't want to speak to him. I feel like right now, I have all of these questions about why and just unanswered questions but I hope if he does contact me, it will be at a time where I have already moved on.

I'm getting better with every day that goes by, but I can't help feeling resentful towards him. There's a lot of emotions to work through, besides the obvious missing him in my daily life.

I was married 17 years to a guy that did almost the same. You are lucky that you are getting out of this early!
We are not victims or martirs...we volunteered.

Just like they tell him while he is in recovery, you need to take it one day at a time, too. So, just for TODAY, take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. Work through each emotion and it's okay to feel all of the things you're feeling. It is normal. It's going to suck for a while and hurt. It helps to talk to people on this site, vent and what helped me get out of that dark place is prayer. I went to meetings and I saw a therapist, but nothing healed my broken heart more than my relationship with God. What worked for ME, is prayer and fellowship. I found joy again and peace.

The first time he let me down was the hardest. I didn't find out he was messing with meth until he was arrested. In my car! He served a year in jail. Not only did I have to deal with the mess he left behind financially, but emotionally, I had no closure. I was left with a big question mark - why did he do this to me? Why doesn't he love me? Why doesn't he care? I cried so much, the area around my eyes was tender and had cuts and tears. I couldn't eat, sleep, go to work. I couldn't function. I was so lost without him. I missed him, hated him, wanted to save him. WHAT A HUGE RED FLAG. I can tell you that he let me down about 1000 times since and became open and "honest" with his addiction: "I don't want to have to lie to you, so when I walk into the ER, can you please just wait in the car or go to another area? I need to get my pain pills, okay? Don't mess this up. I don't want you talking to the Doctor." Once I accepted the fact that he was going to let me down and do all of the things an addict does, I was able to heal my own heart. I love him for who he is, where he is. And I have to remind myself that it's HIS struggle, not my own. Girl, you have no ties to him, let him go! Let him fall, let him hit rock bottom. Let him figure it out, let him check himself into detox and rehab and worry about money. Let him lose his job, his car, his family, friends, home/apt. Let him live his life the way he chooses. You don't need to take care of a man ... that is just the beginning of what should be and shouldn't be.

Also, the more I tried to help him, the meaner he was to me. The more demanding he became. The more abusive. The more resentful. He resented me for loving him and trying to help him. The more he lost respect for me. SICKNESS.

Remember addiction is selfish. It isn't personal. It's not about you. It's about him.

My X broke up with me when he wanted to use. He picked fights, turned situations around, was manipulative, used gas-lighting behaviors, ignored me (turned off his phone, disappeared), was emotionally abusive AND deprived me, emotionally. I became used to this type of relationship. ALL because he wanted to use drugs without me getting in the way or trying to talk him out of it. It's shameful, too. When he wanted to be clean and sober and needed to kick, he loved me so much and I was the best thing for him. I don't believe that "he didn't love me." He did. He still does. But his idea of love, especially in active addiction is distorted. Love couldn't save him. Love wasn't enough. To love another, you need to love yourself. Does he love himself?

There are SOO many things I miss about my X and it's okay to feel a sadness and heaviness in your heart. You're grieving. There are wonderful qualities about my X that I haven't been able to find in others (I know people will disagree, but he was so original and unique and GORGEOUS) ... however, the bad completely outweigh the good. Who cares if he is well read and educated and went to bible college if he doesn't use it? Who cares if he can write music and play the guitar when he'd much rather get high all day and sleep? Who cares if he is good-looking? He shoots heroin!!! I had to re-evaluate our relationship every day when I would start to feel that codependency. Visit the thread: What I don't miss. That would get me through the hard days. I DO NOT miss addiction. I DO NOT miss having to tell my friends and family that my boyfriend is in jail or prison or in rehab while I am in college! I DO NOT miss hearing about his daily struggles and being there for him and never having the opportunity to have him be there for me. He won't. You will be alone and feel alone.

Another thing, be careful who you share what with. We broke up and got back together plenty of times. Every time I would cry to my friends and family members, they grew to despise him. After a while, his own Mother told me to leave for good.

Exercise, take a class, read a book, find a hobby, go to church/bible study, volunteer ... there are so many things you can do to get your mind off of him for TODAY.

DO NOT drown your sorrows in alcohol or partying with your girls. DO NOT start sleeping around. DO NOT look for someone, anyone to fulfill you or ease the pain. You are precious and your body is a temple. Take some time and heal your broken heart and do some soul-searching.

STOP the mindset: After everything I did for him! Give freely and without expectations or don't give at all. Set boundaries for yourself. He will break all of the rules, boundaries and promises. He will do what is wrong, morally, ethically ... so don't be surprised. He will do ANYTHING for heroin. TRUST.

Count your blessings and thank God for everything He has given you AND everything He has saved you from.

After reading every sticky note here, I've realized something...I think I'm going through withdrawal from him. I'm slowly realizing that I have an addiction too. I have an addiction to him, and to the "high" I get when he's around. I'm used to the chaos that comes along with him being in my life, and without the chaos (I know this sounds sick), but I feel like something is missing. Just like an addict, I know that seeking out my drug (him), my life will eventually become unmanageable, I know there will be consequences but...I somehow don't care. Somehow, the thought of him makes me throw all sensible thoughts right out the window...just like an addict thinks of their drug. I am sick, and I need recovery too.

I have moments during the day that I feel okay, and stable and feel as if things will be okay for me. But then I have these moments where I feel like I NEED to reach out to him, I NEED to call him, I NEED to talk to him. I think this is probably similar to the feeling an addict gets when they want to get high.

At this moment, I feel like I'm really twisted. If I were to read the words that I'm typing right now a couple of years ago, I would think that the person behind the computer screen writing this was a complete maniac. But the maniac is ME!

I have been going out almost every night with friends, talking to random people, trying not to feel lonely, almost trying to replace him. But now, I don't want to do that. I want to focus on ME. I want to feel like I'm enough for ME. I don't need someone to make me feel like I'm not alone. If I try to replace the hole in my heart right now, I will just set myself up for failure.

I'm hurting, and I need serious healing time. And I want to take that time to be alone, and to feel calm and safe. To be honest, in this moment, I still want to reach out to him. I still am hoping that HE reaches out. But I'm hoping and praying this feeling passes and I can continue working towards my own recovery. I have thoughts of "well maybe when he gets out of the sober house, he'll come back and we can work things out". But I am trying SO hard to push these thoughts out of my head. I don't want the chaos again, whether he's clean or not...I don't want to worry where he is, what he's doing, if tomorrow will be the day that he relapses. That's no way to live. While right now, I can very honestly and humbly say that I still want to be with him, I know it's not what I'm supposed to do. I know it's not what is healthy for me. So I will not do it. I'll have to fight my cravings, just like an addict fights theirs. I will get stronger, and I will heal.

One Day at a Time...

we don't have to do this alone...in fact it is too hard to do alone, and why would we wanto to anyway? ;) find support where ever you can...meetings, (get yourself a sponsor! so awesome) therapy, friends, family...SR

if I add up my posts and the time that I have spent here I can estimate that I have probably spent around 300 hours processing on SR!! I needed to do this, I needed 24 hour access to community and processing. I needed perspective and truths and stories to relate to...

as codependents we go through a lot...despair, drama, pain, anguish, frustration, withdrawal, confusion, anger, hate, love, enmeshment, etc etc etc. it's really crazy making...no, I mean it...it is truly crazy making!

the good news is that there is healing, growth, and peace and compassion and love...in recovery. I am grateful for all that I have learned. I think there were some deeply seated parts of my psyche that I discovered and strengthened and healed. I guess if I could choose I would like to think that I didn't HAVE to go through all that I have gone through... that I could have done "less growing through pain" ha ha

I don't know. life is a mystery. the future is always spotless.

what I know now is that I love myself enough to no longer subject myself to the pain of being involved romantically with someone who can't stop relapsing/using
I am sorry for him, and I hope he can find his way

but I have subjected myself to the horrible jerkiness of romantic trauma long enough
I don't want to be depressed or angry or bitter or suspicious or belittled or blamed or lied to or manipulated or waiting for the other shoe to drop

I just finally got tired of it all and laid down my weapons and surrendered, and there I discovered freedom
I realized that I would rather be alone and peaceful than hold onto someone I loved who caused me so much precious time and energy...so so so much.

the risk? the cost? the benefit? the exchange? the trade-offs? the pay-offs? don't mean to sound cold, because people used to ask me these sorts of phrase/questions and I couldn't understand it. now I do.

I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.

;)

:ghug3 Yay!! Finally a post about YOU!!

I could have written this same post! Let's stay strong together! We deseve better and we know it!!!!!!!!!!

This is ME, I could not say it better, Thank you.:c020:

So I've still been struggling getting used to life without him, and it's hard.
I can't help but think and hope that when he gets out of the sober house, we can work things out.
Am I in denial about the whole situation???

All things considered, continuing to fixate on a hopeful fantasy of a future together is irrational.

If you working on getting YOU healthy..... you would be able to answer your own question!! Better yet, you wouldn't even be asking it.

I say this with kindness! I am as frustrated with myself as well so please don't take it personally!! But c'mon, its so obvious what our reality is... and we sit, cry and whine.

Here is a FACT for you..........We aren't on their minds at all. They aren't obsessing about how we feel, if we are hurting, who is making sure we eat, or are we OK! This is NOT love, it is total sickness.

Ask any recovery addict here, if your "love" is actually helping him??? Time and time again, they tell us to let go and yet for our own selfish reasons, we refused to do so!