god knows i hate addiction. i hate what it does to people. my heart hurt for all of those who didn't make it and for all of their families.

I was thinking about taking out stock in cotton balls and qtips......... but it's because I just got my nose piereced......... (use those suckers to clean 3x's a day up your nose!!!) lol lol.

sorry.... just though it was funny cause there is a huge supply of those over here for a real purpose! :)

Love,
cess

FYI: that's EXACTLY what the Q-Tips are for.

I've followed this post since it's beginning, but couldn't quite articulate what it is that bothers me most, despite putting searching thought into it. It's one of those occasions when I've found it important to accurately identify, without obssessing, for the recovery value that accurately identifying may offer.

Finally, however, I found the word that best describes it. It's the AMBIGUITY (uncertainty or doubtfulness) that has most effected me. Often referred to as "quacking", it's the, "What the hell does THAT mean"?, I've seen so many, including myself, left trying to decipher.

If nothing else, when an active addict is "quacking" and you feel the question, "What the hell does THAT mean"?, filling your mind, just remember there is no real honesty when the response to our search for truth, 'right' values, 'right' morality, or 'right' ethics is ambigous... ambiguouty is an ally of active addiction.

Also, this is useful, at least for me, if I find myself reflecting upon/obsessing about statments made by the addict after they've gone. As stated by M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled, "Where there is confusion, there are lies." Ambiguouty, for me, is the word that best describes that confusion.

If nothing else, it buys time to think as the addict gets a quizical look like, "What the hell does ambiguous mean"?

Sometimes, for me anyway, it's all about finding the right word that articulates where I am... and I find my 'truth' in the words I choose to use. :c033:

Many Blessings,
Shaman

I got jealous that he would "change his mind up" ... the easy way.

Yes, EXACTLY! When someone is tap dancing around issues, that's a red flag. One doesn't have to be a person with addictions to be ambiguous...I encounter that with so called normies.

Healthy people are forthright and upfront...and if they don't know or are unsure about something, they'll say the are...even their confusion is clearly stated.

This made me laugh. I know it's not funny, but I SOOOO know what you mean. The empty pens, choreboys, broken stems, broken baggies, little pieces of chore boy strewn on the floor, lighters, and the list could go on.

Also, when they are high. It scares me. The clenching jaw, the constant in and out of the bathroom, peeking out the windows. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT CRACK!!

Or - when they are using and their family talks about "consequenses" and "responsibility" and the fact the addict never faced them and then YOU are the one to force the issue and expect the responsibility and the "family" defends the addict and attacts you because the addict is "in revovery" and the past doesn't matter.................UGG

I hate that I allowed HIS addiction to consume my life. I allowed HIS decisions to suck the life right out of me. Limping along back to the real world, but I hate that I allowed him to take me down with him somewhat.

My broken heart and mental breakdown is what I hated the most. The failure as a mother.Until I found you wonderful people who saved me. Love you.

I hated that I wasn't getting my picket fence and I hated the effect it had on the kids. My XAH was also into porn which icked me out. Now I live a calm, chaos free, boring life and I am so grateful. SR really helped me....let go and not be dragged........

i hate that addiction really does end in either recovery, jail, institution or death. i hate that my ah is gone now even though i know he's finally free.

carol star,
i agree with you, after living with addiction for so long, a calm and boring life is something to be grateful for.

One thing for me is the denial- the addict in my life didn't think anyone could tell there was something wrong with him. He thought he was acting all 'normal' and cool on drugs despite every one around him saying 'hey there's something wrong with you, why are you acting so strange?' and then he'd try to find an explanation for every comment someone said- I work a lot in the hot sun, I'm really stressed etc. etc. And then when he couldnt make things up about himself he'd start saying there were things wrong with other people, like myself- it's that time of the month for you, you're just stressed about school, you've been mean lately and I don't appreciate it.

People notice when you're doing drugs!!

thanks cynical, i really needed to read that tonight. now i want to go back and read some of my old posts again.

i know i've come a little ways from where i was, even though i know i have a long long way to go. i'm almost sure that if i had not stumbled upon sr, i would have by now been committed already. i thank god for you guys every day.

Inquisitive7, I love "get-a-clue-by-four".............

I could probably take a piece of each post and it would apply directly to me. The most intense crazy-makers would be:

1. Becoming the best un-paid detective in the world...searching just to confirm the suspicions.
2. Having the proof but not knowing what to do with it.
3. Being made to feel that I'm crazy even though I have the proof in my hand.
4. Compromising my character just to protect his....what a dumb thing to do!
5. Holding my breath wating for the next axe to fall....

And the accidents, falling off ladders, falling through a window, chainsawed his leg, falling down steps, wiping out on a minibike and losing/breaking brand new glasses, accidents in two cars (totaled my truck I loved), and blaming the accidents on me so my insurance gets cancelled! WTF? Oh I forgot the crossed eyes. How sexy! And the dropping cigarette butts when passed out making little holes in everything. Thanks. I just purged ALOT!

I hated the lies.

Him taking off all of the time and then giving me some b-s excuse as to why he was gone for so long.

The stealing.

Him not showering for days (I had to basically force him to towards the end of our relationship)

Him not holding a job and then relying on his mother for money.

Saying after a week or so of "cleaning up" that I should trust him now or that now that he is sober everything is magically better. The manipulative guilt trips that I would get because I didn't trust him after a couple days or a few weeks or because I still felt things were not better.

The suspicion that he went and got high while I was in labor with our son.

Finding needles, money, crack pipes, etc hidden in his coat, the soles of shoes, the car, etc.

Ugh, how creative the addict is with trying to cover up their addiction.

Having to get tested after the breakup.

Did I mention the LIES?

Feeling like the one you care about doesn't give a damn about you.

Most of all, I hated what I was doing to myself by staying with him..

- Thinking it was 'normal' to hide things.
- Sitting around texting him all day when he took off in an attempt to get him to come home or somehow control the situation. Then when it didn't work, I sit around just talking about him and crying when I could've been doing so many other PRODUCTIVE things with my time.
- Seeing signs of his use and living in denial over it or finding a way to excuse him behavior.
- Putting up with the manipulation and just nasty b-s just to keep him in my life.
- How creative I was covering up his addiction to myself and others in an attempt to put up some sort of facade that things were 'ok'.

Ugh, it is crazy looking back and seeing what I put up with just to keep him in my life. I do not regret what I went through because I learned about my codependency issues because of this (and they definitely preceded this relationship) and most importantly, because I have a wonderful son. It sucks that it took this much for me to see that I needed to put the focus on me but I guess "a lesson lived is a lesson learned".

Thanks for posting this thread, it kind of just reminded me where I was and how far I have already come in such a little amount of time since detaching from this relationship :)

going to the store for cigarettes...

yep. Late ABF went to store for cigarettes...
Never bought them
Not even a butt in the car ashtray
Bought drugs instead
Died

Went out for a pack of cigs, and never came back!

OMG, I remember alot of things, and with him still gone from our home it's painful somewhat to think about the chaos that occurred.

LIES, couldn't open his mouth and tell the truth if he tried.
Pawn shop receipts
Spilled drinks all over the house
Burn holes
Food particles everywhere from EWS (eating while stoned)
Candy wrappers from SSB (stoned sweet binges)
Pill bottles (usually empty)
The sound of a desk drawer opening in the middle of the night to get to the pills
Pill holders
Receipts showing cash back
Scuzzy friends of his in the back yard
Going out to his shop and banging on the door and him taking forever to answer because he was in there smoking pot
Showing me his new tool/gadget and it being gone within a month

I could go on.....but I won't

Hugs,
Teggie

oh!!! The thing that gets on my nerves the most is buying electronics and then being gone not within a month, the same day or the next day.

My exabf had 3 playstation 3's, more cell phones than a person will have in a lifetime, and stolen more items and money from than i care to remember.

trying to figure out the mind of an addict

literally going crazy trying to figure out if i was going crazy.

spending so much time trying to excuse or justify someone else's actions.

i hated all the time spent actually thinking that addicts don't know any better than to do whatever it is they do and say.

being so decieved into thinking that i was to blame for most everything.

being decieved into thinking no matter what, "for better or worse" applies to every situation.

being a ra, looking back and realizing how dumb i must have sounded/ how sick i had become.

i hate that i thought it was somehow better for my kids for me to continue to try to live with someone else's addiction.

i hate i spent 21yrs basically waiting for what was never to happen. ok, so i didn't know that it wouldn't happen but never the less, 21yrs of a person's life is far too long. i hate i didn't find sr sooner.

i hate that even though he's no longer alive, our lives are still being effected by what he left behind, and i hate that i feel angry sometimes thinking that my ah took the easy way out. shame on me.

i hate looking back but i do pray that the past will somehow benefit the future.

I too hated that I doubted myself....so much that I began to keep a daily/hourly journal of what I saw and heard... just so he couldn't twist events around... I knew I could catch him then. Looking back occasionally reading the journal sickens me... to see what I was willing to tolerate... for what?

I hated finding pills and him telling me they were vitamins... only to Google them and find out they were Valium.... AND still not throw him out.... ICK

I hated hiding the truth from my family... I was ashamed and embarrassed.

I hated having that "kicked in the gut" feeling all the time....

I hated seeing him waste money and time chasing drugs and alcohol when I just knew he was smarter than that.

So glad I divorced the Addict/Alcoholic and now moving on..... Praise The Lord!!!

I hated the helpless feeling I felt because I could not do anything about his drug use. Well I made him leave...but that is all I could do.

It was so hard watching him choose drugs over everything...me, his kids, his family, his job...everything! But he was blind to it.

Drugs/addiction takes away everything if you let it and I almost did.

The worst part I think for me was the LIES. Amazing, awful and hurtful LIES!

Glad I'm out of that life now!

great
 

This was a great thread. It was really helpful to see that so many others feel the same way I do. Many of those things I relate to, and I think it makes us all feel better to know that others feel/felt that way also, knowing that we're not as crazy as we thought : )

There were a lot of things that I wasn't even sure how to describe or what to call how I feel so it's very helpful to read these posts and be able to identify and put into words how I feel when I'd been having some trouble with collecting my thoughts.

Thank you everyone for your responses, so nice to know that I'm not alone.

um.... wow., just realized this was an old thread, and wow.......

How far I have come.

I don't 'feel' any of those things anymore, my my, how one's 'perspective' can change.

I'm not annoyed anymore, or pissed. I have given up trying to rationalize or justify his behavior and 'how' that affects me.

I have given up talking myself into, "this allows me to look at myself, and Love others more"

I realize now, that although I have my 'moments', I don't have to 'have' those moments, I don't have to be-in-it at all.

Anything I choose is a direct reflection on ME, and I can have appropriate dialogue w/myself and blame ONLY myself.

Just as his behavior, (choices) are his and only HE can be truthful with HIMSELF, all the stuff I did in the past was so wasteful... energy wasted.

I find myself tired and older, because I choose to WASTE all my energy trying to 'fix' 'help' the situation. It's nothing that 'annoys' me anymore, rather than I just look back and shake my head.....at myself. (stubborn Irish girl).

I give myself credit for my tenacity, yet realize now it was fruitless effort.

These days, I just let well-enough be. He can do as he pleases, and I ALWAYS do what I please now. I NEVER cater to him anymore, he does the laundry, he cooks. He grocery shops, and I do not ever make excuses. I guess he's functioning 'well' within his addiction. As long as it dosen't affect ME, as long as he continues on doing the responsible things..... who am I to try and discover what lies under his smile?

Does he lie to himself about his addiction. Yep. Does he lie to me? No. Why, because I no longer put him in the position to do so.

Someday, I'm sure this will end, but it hasn't happend yet. It's been about 2months since I put up my boundries, and he knows what they are. When he breaks them.... so be it. My door is always open.... (meaning that he is free to leave). For now, I see it as, he is living his life like a productive man, involved and present. It's not my issue if he has to swallow pills to do so. If he spirals out of control-- he will suffer the concequences.

I will never waste that much energy on somone again...... it's always an inside job.

Love,
Cess

oh hammerhead, too funny! I mean that in a good sense. I too used to journal/log. until one day i used the handy 2 min recorder on my cell phone and he STILL denied it was him! i stopped wasting ink and cell batteries after that.

Coming to terms with the past when they are in "recovery" is always the hard part. They are taught to move forward.