One word: forgetfulness.

He forgot wherever things were
He forgot whatever plans we made
He forgot how to use the phone
He forgot how to set an alarm
He forgot to ask me how my day was
He forgot that we were supposed to be having a relationship
He forgot that he'd said "I love you"

I wish I could forget him that easily!!

I hate the way it robs a person of their dignity.

Love,
KJ

That he could TRUELY convince me that the sky was red. He would so vehimantly deny what I KNOW. He'd make me believe that it didn't happen or that something/someone else did what I SAW. The biggest mistake was questioning MYSELF and MY beliefs. I didn't have 100% proof, so I let it go.

Callie... that is it in a nutshell for me. I believed him even when I KNEW that he was lying. I thought I was the one that was screwed up. And I truly didn't understand what was going on or that I was doubting myself until I stepped away ... not voluntarily, but because I had a serious accident... and until I found SR. I had some HUGE OMG moments. What is amazing to me is that the moments were so OMG... when all that I was learning and amazed by was reality.

Believing what he said
Convincing you that YOU were to blame for an argument
Not knowing when he will come home
Not believing that you are STILL putting up with it
Trying to communicate to the kids where he is without making excuses for him or scaring the kids
The worry
The anxiety
the guilt
The judgements
And now that he's in rehab, I'M the one who's being medicated
........................The irony

I lost my spirit, my freedom, myself

I gave away normalcy and sanity because I thought I could save someone

I was the only one going to sleep at night crying....he was peacefully passed out

I stopped my life because I was hiding from friends who would tell me the truth

His addiction became my shame

I lied to protect HIS identity while mine fell into the pit

I let him blame me - and I accepted the blame for everything that went wrong

The gifts he would buy for me and have waiting for me right before he went on another binge

That I allowed anyone to convince me that this was LOVE....

That I did not educate myself on what to look for when he told me he was in recovery and I took him back....

That is what blocks me too. I cant prove it and on top of that his explanation makes PERFECT sense so he gets the reasonable doubt verdict from me. Which only benefits him because I then spend way to much time & effort rolling it around in my head, trying to find the weak spot in his story.

What do I hate about addiction....Absolutely everything.

What do I hate most, what it made ME become.

actually as a conclusion, i regret coming across him and most of all, falling inlove with him and putting all my trust and happiness into him, while he is far from being a reliable person[/QUOTE]

This is one of the things I hated the most about it all. I let him make me believe this was real love.

I also:

-hated that fact that inside I didn't trust him, wouldn't admit that to myself, and would always go searching in the house for things, like notes, cards, pictures, or emails.

-That I would stoop to sneaking in the bathroom with his phone looking for text messages before going to bed. And when I found them, just ignored them.

-tolerated behavior that I never would of normally. The lying, deception, dishonesty, disrespect, and manipulation.

-that I hid his behavior (the amount of drinking, pot use, immaturity and financial problems) from all my friends, ESPECIALLY my best friend! I wanted them to think that he was a great guy and life was wonderful. When I confessed after the breakup to friends about his problems and behaviors, they were all shocked I put up with it. That reaction from them really made me feel ashamed of him and his addiction.

-sitting in a room full of people at one of his parties and not being able to have one decent, sober conversation with anyone. Feeling that I was living in a frat house rather than with an adult.

-that I put his addiction and needs ahead of my well being. I bought beer for him when I knew it wasn't in his best interest. Like he'd love me more if there was a nice 6 pack in the fridge.

-that I always gave way more than him emotionally. I'd have dinner waiting for him, think and do special things for him, but I don't think he really every thought "maybe it would be nice to give her a massage after a hard day". My needs were secondary

-believed him when he did future talk

-believed he could be honest and open with me and be a true partner by handling conflicts between us in an adult way.

-hated that he could really never be there with me on the deep emotional level when I needed him. For example, having contact with family after 15 years of estrangement to get "Good Luck" from him. I had to deal with deep things on my own.

-inappropriate rationalization and denial

-and just really hating losing myself, my values, my sense of worth and the trust in myself that I allowed him to take away. I'm still working on getting it back.

Dang, this is exactly what he has been saying!!!!!!!!!!

I second the BS!

Thank you for this thread Teke!! Shoo has given me perspective!!!

Annoys me would be an understatement.

However, the biggest thing that pisses me off (still understated), is that addiction ripped away my dreams, my plans, my love.

Addiction has made my life unstable, unpredictable and confuseing.

Addiction creeps in the night, unable to be seen, until its too late.

Addiction leaves you filled with anxiety, because you don't know what to do.

__________________________________________________ _______________

On the flip side, Addiction shows me how to love.

Addiction has shown me my own weaknesses.

Addiction has taught me how to give without recieving.

Addiction has brought me closer to myself, learning everyday how to struggle and survive.

Addiction, finally, has given me an appreciation, of my life. The good in it, regardless of the bad. My children have become more of a priority, because I finally see how fragile life is. I take a glass half full outlook, when I used to think everything was half empty. Thank god I've had addiction In my life---- for this had been one lesson that I have truely LEARNED so much from, myself, and that of others.

Hugs,
Cessy

thank you all, in read all of your esp, i'm learning a lot more about me. when i first came here i was a true mental case even though i had never been actually diagnosed as one. i didn't know what was real and what was not. i stuck around long enough for my ah to convince me and my family that i needed to be committed to some kind of asylum. thank god i found you guys before they all got together and signed the paper work. true story.

after separation, i learned to just except the fact that i would never know the true facts concerning whether or not i was really losing my sanity or was i being made to believe i was. all i knew was when he was away, i would regain some sanity. i felt better about myself as long as i was not being near him.

in reading here, i'm realizing that my case was not an exceptional one, that i'm not alone in all the confusion i exp.

"stop bring up the past" and "prove it", "you're crazy, your family need to help me get you committed" are just a few of the statements i really hated to hear my ah say. how could i get through the past when the past kept repeating itself and why did i believe that i had to prove everything.

i thank god that i'm not there today and i thank god that i don't have to go there in my future. for the longest i thought it was just me. i feel grateful right now, and i needed to write this, don't know why though.

I really feel for you after reading this Teke, because it just sounds a lot like the way I felt just before I 'came to' and realized that my relationship with my ABF was unhealthy. That was after a period of not seeing him for a few days, same as with you.

I realized something else while reading your post: given that people with mental health issues are more susceptible to drug abuse in the first place, wouldn't the people who get into relationships with addicts also tend to have underlying mental health problems? That may explain why we get so sucked in by the craziness and find it so hard to escape, once we're in. Not that either of us is actually 'crazy' to start with, but I bet we tend to be more emotionally/mentally fragile than the average person. That's why we identify with the addict's view of the world... and why s/he drags us down!

It's not your fault Teke, however I think people like you and I need to safeguard ourselves against meeting people who mess with the fragile side of us. What I feel I really need right now is a network strong, honest, reliable friends... and forums like this can be a part of creating that.

thank you, lex, i'm so much better these days. its been a little over 2yrs since we separated and i'm loving living alone with the kids. i think i had to get through that "death due us part" part and i had to face the fact that even though i am a ra and did understand a bit about addiction, i still was no match for someone else's addiction.

in reading all of these responses, i began to see that a lot of what i went through back when, is just what living with addiction can and will do to anyone who will stick around long enough.

Oddly enough, I sometimes preferred e-mail over verbal communication - the latter one can forget and twist, the written word remains forever. Always could count on e-mail to show what he actually did say instead of how he was trying to twist things.

- Being there for him emotionally, but him not being there for me, or if he did, I'd feel timed and he would lose attention every time I tried to share something.
- Indirectly expecting me to give much more in the relationship and yet getting mad at me for saying all the stuff I am doing in the relationship.
- Being late all the time, but the one time I am late, he goes ballistic.
- Putting his sexual dysfunction on me (indirectly by not dealing with it).
- Trying to control our sex life because he couldn't deal with a women who had a healthy libido.
- Turning and twisting things around - for example, he spied on my computer (the even which ended the relationship) but then turned the tables on me saying I was making a big deal of it, then saying he's through unless I come chase him (which I didn't)
- Hurting me and then acting like nothing happened. He basically bailed on the relationship when I was wising up and we were in therapy (yet he was the one saying I wasn't committed). Then he writes to me two months after we break up acting like nothing much has happened and thinking I would want him back...yeah riiiiiigght....get a clue-by-four!
- Putting his children through all the same crap. When I first met his 10 year old daughter she actually asked me how much alcohol I drink and would check up on me and how much I was drinking.

writing letters was the easiest way for me to communicate with my ah, even when he was here with us. like you, it was the only way i felt i could get any point across without feeling like what i had to say was timed. never did much good though. it was like in one ear and straight out the other. eventually i gave up even trying, like they say action speaks louder than words and i do think that goes both ways.

Yes, actions DO speak louder than words. Now that my ABF is in rehab, we'll see how the actions unfold. I'm still angry and especially so because we are all "supporting" him as we should. What about me, my kids, the bills and lack of food he left behind in his wake.
#1 thing that is crazy making:

PICKING UP THE PIECES HE LEFT BEHIND!!
:wtf2

I wonder if, subconsciously, this is why my abf avoided written forms of communication altogether - he didn't want anyone to have a permanent record of all the promises he'd broken; all the plans he'd 'forgotten' about...

you know, i just don't think someone in active addiction cares about whether or not anyone keeps records of their broken promises.i think sometimes subconsciously they make promises knowing they are likely to find a way to break them. so they buy.

i think maybe their avoidance could be because its kind of hard to argue and make excuses with paper or emails. the back and forth conv. is made simple and the addict in my life don't seem to do so well with "simple."

That was a big annoyance for me.

The biggest I have to admit was my thoughts, my doubt, "is he telling the truth this time, will he be where he said, is he up to something,ect"
These thoughts are something if I allow them could follow a long long time

gosh!!! i hated having to fight to stay out of my own head. looking back, it was a pity and a shame how much space i allowed him and his actions rent there.

yeah... no fricking kidding about the "past". He would suggest that I was this "typical woman" who never forgot something from the past... as always bringing it up! OMG..... that would mess with my head - because he just didn't get it! He didn't see it all running together like puddles of water! I would just get over one thing.... and then less than 2 weeks later - it would be something else!

I can't stand how much I questioned myself!

Lies are number one for me too. (the OCD that came along with addiction drives me a wee bit bonkers.) Stealing is my number2 peeve. But you can't be a good theif without being a good liar so i guess they can both be number 1. After all is said and done the Drama destroyed me.

That's a point, too - they do like to complicate things!!

The thing about addiction that bothers me the most is that the addict can't see what they are doing to their own health. And, there is a time when they all have to come to terms with the past and the hurt most be tremendous for them to bare. I know~I', a softy but the addict in my life has never stolen from me....I was the codependant one that gave it to him....ERRRRRRRRRR~~~~~~~

empty bic pens- i totally know what you're talking about. Go to write something down and the only thing in there is powder of some color! Embarassing!

This reminds me of something.... my dwindling supply of QTIPS.... what in the heck was that about?? I still don't know to this day. I just remember cotton balls and QTIPS missing.