SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

- Friends and Family of Alcoholics (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/)

- - Acceptance (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/435247-acceptance.html)

I guess for me the emotional unavailability was the biggest issue when I was drinking--my partner had a big problem with that over time.

When I drank or was already numb from drinking earlier, I might be in the room with him, but in terms of meaningful emotional connection and rapport, such as one would expect in a strong marriage, well, I might as well have been on Mars.

I could make small talk, or debate things, or watch TV and other daily life things, but I wasn't there fully engaged most of the time because I was nursing my buzz and living in my head in the past--thinking of what I'd been through, or was going through, and how I "earned" the right to the drink in my hand.
(I'm also the bill-payer in my family, and boy was that a mental justification of why I can drink if I want to)

My partner obviously sensed my detachment and said ultimately this was unacceptable to him in someone he married to SHARE his life with--he didn't want a roommate but an equal partner vested in emotional growth.

He was right--he is right.
Giving up alcohol was relatively easy when I saw it from that perspective.
I'm not perfect, but our relationship has changed so much for the better in thousands of little ways.

We are connected--I'm so glad he didn't settle.
Every couple is different, but that was how it played out for us.

As l said, l'm thinking POSITIVE and NOW is all any of us have.

Ps l will worry about things l need to worry about if or when l have to but for now lm just getting on with life. Doom and gloom and what ifs arent helpful.

I'm not trying to be "doom and gloom" AWAL--just sharing my truth.

Sorry if I upset you--I'll step away from the thread

It wasnt you hawkeye, honeypig was the one pointing out negatives x

Hi Awal,

It seemed more like a wake-up call to me. :)

It's good to be aware of what happens time and again with alcoholism, simply to break through denial of what this disease is and what it does. It is progressive.

There also is great hope and recovery possible in being positive and celebrating the good in life. Clarity of both are a really good thing!

As I've seen more clearly what I'm dealing with, the easier it's been to allow peace, harmony and healing.

Awareness, acceptance, action. The three A's are powerful.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Ive always said lm under no illusions about his drinking. So l dont think l need a wake up call...lm just focussing on me and my life but l also acknowledge the positives about AH (dont start me on the negatives lol) l guess lm just in a good place for now. Xx

I'm glad to hear you are in a good place AWAL--peace can be a very elusive thing in this life :grouphug:

I'm with you Awal. xx

My aunt was married to an alcoholic and sadly his issues got too much for her and so she eventually separated from him after 40 years of marriage. Then two years later he died...very sad ...

She told me recently that she'd only discovered al-anon after she broke it off... and now she has this deeper awareness of herself and him.... she said she spent too many years worrying and being bitter and mad at him when they were together. She told me she wished she relaxed more ... wished she had felt acceptance for who he was..."because all that worry just doesn't matter in the end. " He was the love of her life.

Thought I'd share with you Awal.

As you say, all that matters is right NOW... x

I think honeypig does bring up valid points - of course it's always take what you like and leave the rest but I think it's always important to have other views, even if they are considered "negative"?

If everyone just said, oh, you are going to live with an alcoholic and it's bothering you but just detach and hope for the best, ignore it and your feelings to the best of your ability and carry on! CHANGE yourself and the way you would like to be in a relationship. I don't think this forum would be quite so helpful!

For every "success story" of coping with living with an alcoholic there is probably an opposite, however, not ALL alcoholics are the same, not all are abusive, not all yell and rage or disappear for days or weeks, not all don't work or live under a bridge, or even drink every day, as we all well know.

My Mother was married to my Father for 25 years. He was a great provider and a terrible Husband. She disliked him when they were married and continued to dislike him afterward. She would not hesitate to say what an ass he was and she was right! It wasn't that he neglected us financially, or that he wasn't just a quiet person most of the time (ie: there but checked-out), but a terrible Husband.

I think another thing is, not everyone wants to be "all in" in a relationship, maybe a not-so-close relationship suits some people. We are all different as well and maybe having a not-so-close relationship suits some people. Works both ways, they aren't there for you all the time but you don't have to be there for them all the time either and are free to go about doing whatever you like without including them.

I also think that while we should be mindful, alcoholism is progressive and it's a consideration.

Anyway, just some thoughts, no right or wrong really, but I hope everyone keeps sharing their experiences.

Thanks to everyone for their input, l just wanted to put something positive on here. We all know the bad stuff...and yes Trailmix, not everyone wants a marriage where they are all in all to each other, and although l love my husband l am quite independent and enjoy my own space very much (maybe thats why lm coping?) Sending love to you surfbee xx

Quote from honeypig "lf a man came up to me today and said "hey, let's get married--I promise not to hit you, to be nice to you sometimes, when it suits me, and to go to work every day", would I start looking for a place to hold the reception? Would I think "yeah, THIS is what I want from a marriage, from the closest relationship I will ever have"? NO POSSIBLE WAY!

But yet that's what goes through our minds when we think about the relationship that we're ALREADY in. "Oh, he doesn't hit me, and he's nice sometimes, and he goes to work daily. That's really good enough for me." W T F. Is it b/c we don't want to have "wasted" the time we've already invested in the relationship, and so we decide to waste the REST of our lives?"

If you loved that man, had history of good times and still having good times with him its a whole different situation. No rational person would agree to the scenario you have described.

You know, Awal, it really is NOT "a whole different situation." I certainly did love my AH, and we had been married for 19 years when I finally divorced him. We definitely did have a history of good times, and we had occasional good times up till the end. I didn't hate him when we divorced, and I don't hate him now.

Your situation is not nearly as unique as you seem to think it is.

I thought at one point that detachment was the answer, was my invisible shield that would make things work out. I learned, as many others have, that it's usually not a workable long-term solution. Does it allow a person to stay w/the A? It sure can, until that person asks him/herself the big question--WHY?

Honeypig, l really dont think my situation is unique...not in the slightest. Im just dealing with things the way l want to right now. Can l ask how long you stayed with your husband after you woke up to the drinking? What was the breaking point for you?

I’m glad you are feeling in a good place right now Awal, that is so important. And so is having your own independence, that is not something many can find with in a marriage and be comfortable but you do and that’s great.

Learning about alcoholism and alcoholic behaviors and remaining in a relationship is like learning defensive driving, you begin to anticipate a possible hazard so you use more caution but are still able to enjoy the drive.

To address your questions, Awal: How long did I stay after I saw the drinking problem? Years, b/c I didn't see the problem. XAH was incredibly good at hiding his drinking--in one thread, I talked about how he'd been supposedly going to AA meetings but really just went to the hobby store or did something else.

However, if I'd asked him to stop and get a bag of dog food or some other errand, he'd make sure that he did that AFTER the time of the meeting, b/c that way if I checked the receipt to see what time he made the purchase, I wouldn't see that it was during the time he was supposed to have been at the meeting. SERIOUSLY. As if it would ever, in a zillion years, have occurred to me to check the freaking time on the receipt from the pet store to see what time he was there...That's the caliber of hiding we're talking about--like espionage, practically!

And as I mention in the thread “So I Guess This Is It”, even though he seemed sober, or only mildly tipsy at worst, he was drunk enough to remember almost nothing of the night in question. It was never obvious either that he was drunk or just how drunk he was, which meant I never really knew how bad things were. The only time I actually KNEW was the night in the ER, when his BAC was 0.12, hours after he’d had his last drink (backtracking with an online calculator put him at 0.2 at the time he was hit, blackout drunk for a normal person).

This is one of my first threads at SR and gives some background. https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ity-check.html

In that thread, Awal, I say something that could have come right out of your own mouth: He is not abusive, he is not a fall-down drunk, we do not have financial problems--yet. Part of me says "so let him drink, who cares, it's not all that bad" but another part says "is that what you really want?" I feel incredibly stupid--this should not be a hard decision! Yet part of me wants to "help", wants to somehow hope that, after being lied to for essentially the entire duration of our marriage, THIS time it will stop.

Do you think you and I are so far apart after all?

Regarding the breaking point(s):

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...7-deja-vu.html

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...led-today.html

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...o-i-guess.html

I hope you find something helpful in all that.

And both Awal and FireSprite, I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to go back through those old posts. It was more important to me than I knew it would be to look at those again...

Awal, don't know if you know this, but if you click on a member's name, you will get a list of choices including "find more posts by Member" and "find all threads started by Member." That tool can be really useful to find out more about other members here, especially if they seem to have insights and ideas that resonate w/you.

I’d suggest checking out FireSprite, for one, as she has been through the wringer both with her FOO as well as her husband. The work she’s done and the progress she’s made are astounding, and she hasn’t stopped yet. There have been many insights there for me, for sure, and maybe for you too.

Hi Honeypig. So is your advice for me to up and leave my home and AH before l get any older?

Hi Awal,

I have no idea why I'm laughing, yet it's a very welcome! I heard it suggested many times to spend at least a year living apart from a recovering alcoholic. I'm finally starting to experience this. Resistant, until we're not.

I wouldn't change the timing of any of this in my life. It's come about in right timing for me.

Enjoy life. You're doing great. You've come a long way in your recovery in a very short time. No one path. There's many ways to heal.