Acceptance
 

I dont know if this will help any of you who are living with an alcoholic but this mind set has definitely helped me in accepting the situation.
I love my husband and want the best for him, but he is living the life HE wants to live right now, not the life I want him to live. When you see someone you care for doing things that are no good for them you want to step in and say 'dont' but what right do we have to do that? None. Its not our life..its theirs.
However, the effects of their choices have a domino effect on us if we allow it to. All circumstances are different, but the bare bones of acceptance is would WE want anyone telling us not to eat that bar of chocolate we fancy, or telling us not to listen to the music that soothes us, or not to watch our favourite tv show? I certainly wouldnt like it and would do as l pleased.
Our life is ours..their life is theirs...

I agree with you Awal, with the caveat that nothing in my life has
been more painful and anguishing than watching my husband
spiral into the depths of alcoholism. A more fitting analogy than
a chocolate bar or TV show would be a loved one that has a
terminal illness and refuses to believe they have a disease,
much less get life saving treatment.

I wasnt in any way comparing a bar of chocolate to Alcohol only in the way that it might be something l might crave occasionally. Chocolate isnt life changing and it isnt dangerous to drive after eating! My fundamental point is l wouldnt like to be controlled in any way so why should l try to impose control on another.

Driving can be dangerous if the chocolate has melted on to your hand!

j/k

I totally get what you mean Awal and agree with you completely.

It's not an easy concept to apply, it's not the way most have been brought up or witnessed in relationships. I think in healthy relationships there is a good intertwining that goes on that can't exist in a relationship with an alcoholic.

I completely get what you're saying. I'm diabetic. I know what I can and can't eat. Occasionally, I indulge. If anyone asks "should you be eating that?" I will eat them too. I believe that as long as my sugar is under control an occasional piece of chocolate cake won't hurt me and it doesn't.

Awal, you sound like a totally different person these days! I know things aren't all of a sudden perfect, but you have found the key ... Acceptance! I am very happy for you! :)

Hi Suki, l do feel different. I know the moment l came upstairs to bed tonight he went straight to get a drink...l heard the familiar noises!! A few weeks ago it would be chewing away at me..l would be upset and pondering what l could do to help etc.
Now l just snuggle into bed, put a film on my ipad or read an article or listen to a guided meditation or come on SR for a catch up as l am tonight. I no longer concern myself about matters that are out of my hands. I prefer to focus on things l CAN do!

The meaning of a relationship to me is helping each other be the best person individually and together. Therefore when I tell my ABF I want him to be healthy and not drink himself stupid and to death. I see that as my duty as a partner trying to co-exist with someone who spiraling out of control . But he see's it as I'm controlling and I don't want him to have fun. In this case because his mind is not clear and he doesn't know any other way except the toxic way. That's when I back off and do my best to only put effort into my life and not his. Living in an environment like this is not healthy. Living together is a trap. A normal functioning person would embrace you , not push you away.

Hi Amusic, l totally get what you are saying. As l said all circumstances are different and my situation is as l currently see it 'bearable' and is no longer stressful to me. In an ideal world lm sure most people would prefer a loving sharing supporting relationship with their SO but there are many reasons that prevent this, alcoholism just being one. Its about figuring out what works for each situation. Unfortunately all the perceptions of how a relationship should be fly out of the window when you love an alcoholic.

I agree, many situations are different. However, addiction is the same. It's progressive. It's dangerous. It hurts those around us. It's a decision if living with an addict is more painful that what you get out of it. For some the answer is yes. For many, it is no. For others, it may be not but might not be later. That being said, it's wise to PREPARE for the worst, and hope and pray for the best.

I am glad you are feeling peace.

Well tonight he has had a drink in front of me...normally waits until lm in bed. I didnt flinch. I could smell the strength of the jack d and coke from across the room. He went for another just as l went to bed. Hes entitled...its a year tomorrow since he saw his daughter and also her birthday as well. To my knowledge he has not sent a card or cash transfusion to her bank. Although l am aware of the circumstances it is none of my concern (any of it) 🙂

I understand your detaching and I commend you for it. I did find it confusing when you say he is "entitled" to a drink because it's been a year since he has seen his Daughter. One kind of has nothing to do with the other if you know what I mean?

He's an alcoholic. If they were buddy buddy he would be having a drink to celebrate her birthday.

Anyway, not criticizing you at all, I just think that it's important to call a spade a spade. There is a reason they are separate (perhaps from both sides but a reason none-the-less).

Detaching is a process and is day by day. Sometimes I detached too much and overlooked things that should have mattered to me one way or another.

Awal, I'm glad you are feeling peaceful right now

I agree with you Clover, that's true, it is a process and detaching too much can be very negative in an ongoing relationship.

I'm just sitting here thinking about this and I think it would be easy to apply pity, in some cases, to the drinker. Whether they struggle with mental health, other concerns or a Daughter that won't speak to them ( I was that Daughter for a year to my alcoholic Father). It did strike a chord.

To hear some alcoholic Father's speak you would think they are the salt of the earth. Take the alcoholic you know and put him in charge of children, you get the idea. So perhaps I'm seeing it from that point of view and I'm sorry Awal if that is not the case for your Husband (I know you mentioned it before but I can't remember if he was a drinker as his child(ren) were growing up).

I just wonder if going down the "pity" road is perhaps not the best approach? This could hurt Awal and that is where that concern comes from.

Hi Trailmix, l am under no illusions, he drinks every night. It was just last night that l probably applied he was hurting about his daughter. They were very close when she was young but as an adult she has clashed with him continually (and vice versa) l have known her since the age of 16 and l haven't seen anything positive that she brings to the table...its always been contact with problems. He sees this too and this is why he doesn't back down and contact her...he says he cannot face more of her problems, financial or otherwise.
Back to the drinking, l am detached from that but l still hug him and treat him normally day to day. As l said in one of my previous posts it is up to him how he spends the years he has remaining, (he is 66) he is entitled to do as HE wishes. If it gets to a point where my life is affected in a way l cannot deal with, l will have to reconsider my future. But for now, l am okay. And now is all any of us have x

Tonight l saw my 'counsellor/sponsor/trained listener' or whatever label we could apply to her! Lol. We both decided that for now we are going to communicate via phone only as she feels (and so do l) that l dont need the level of help that l did a few weeks ago. So l can text or ring her should l need or want to and she will text me every 2 weeks to see how things are. She said that compared to some people she sees, l have a good life. I know what she means...l read about such awful situations on SR and l realise that things could be 100 times worse. Thats not to say things havent been traumatic for me, but there has been no violence, no financial hardship. Blessings counted.

Only you can decide what good means to you, and you are right about people being in much worse situations. I feel the same. That doesn't deter me from wanting a better situation for me. I guess I would have been happier to hear her say that you have made tremendous progress and are in a good place as a person and boundaries. I dunno. It's just strange to me

Hi Clover, she did say that a have come a long way and she is proud of me. On my first visit she asked me questions and l had to score my feelings on a scale of 1 to 10. On my last visit she asked me the same questions and my scores were entirely different (in a positive way). I guess sometimes we dont realise how our feelings change as it is gradual so this exercise is definite evidence of improvement. Its nice that l still have the 'safety net' of calling or texting her should l feel the need. Hope all is well with you xx

P.s. lm concentrating on positive thoughts which help me, for example, my AH keeps the house clean and tidy (rather than trashing it) he pays the mortgage and shares costs of bills etc (rather than bankrupting us) he supports me if l have work problems (rather than not giving a toss) looks after me whenever lm ill (rather than leaving me to my own devices). Yes he drinks...how much l dont know...and its not my business, its his...but there are worse men l could be married to...

Let me change that last part for you: There has been no violence, no financial hardship YET. B/c things are at a certain level NOW doesn't mean that's where they'll stay. Someone on this forum is constantly reminding us that alcoholism is a progressive disease. It WILL get worse unless the A seeks help.

All it would take, at least here in the States, to get into that "financial hardship" would be a car accident while the A was drunk, where someone was killed or crippled. Kiss life as you knew it goodbye...and it's not like you get a memo a month ahead of time telling you that NOW things are going to get serious, so you better take action to protect yourself.

Frankly, I think it's insane for that counselor to tell you that just b/c so many others have it worse, you should settle for what you have. A huge number of people in this world don't have running water or indoor plumbing, but that doesn't mean I won't call a plumber if mine stops working!

If a man came up to me today and said "hey, let's get married--I promise not to hit you, to be nice to you sometimes, when it suits me, and to go to work every day", would I start looking for a place to hold the reception? Would I think "yeah, THIS is what I want from a marriage, from the closest relationship I will ever have"? NO POSSIBLE WAY!

But yet that's what goes through our minds when we think about the relationship that we're ALREADY in. "Oh, he doesn't hit me, and he's nice sometimes, and he goes to work daily. That's really good enough for me." W T F. Is it b/c we don't want to have "wasted" the time we've already invested in the relationship, and so we decide to waste the REST of our lives?

Yeah, I know it's an individual choice. That doesn't mean I don't feel sick to my stomach when I see someone decide that he/she isn't worth more than that.

Please remember that you CAN change your mind (and how I hope that you do...).

I guess for me the emotional unavailability was the biggest issue when I was drinking--my partner had a big problem with that over time.

When I drank or was already numb from drinking earlier, I might be in the room with him, but in terms of meaningful emotional connection and rapport, such as one would expect in a strong marriage, well, I might as well have been on Mars.

I could make small talk, or debate things, or watch TV and other daily life things, but I wasn't there fully engaged most of the time because I was nursing my buzz and living in my head in the past--thinking of what I'd been through, or was going through, and how I "earned" the right to the drink in my hand.
(I'm also the bill-payer in my family, and boy was that a mental justification of why I can drink if I want to)

My partner obviously sensed my detachment and said ultimately this was unacceptable to him in someone he married to SHARE his life with--he didn't want a roommate but an equal partner vested in emotional growth.

He was right--he is right.
Giving up alcohol was relatively easy when I saw it from that perspective.
I'm not perfect, but our relationship has changed so much for the better in thousands of little ways.

We are connected--I'm so glad he didn't settle.
Every couple is different, but that was how it played out for us.

As l said, l'm thinking POSITIVE and NOW is all any of us have.

Ps l will worry about things l need to worry about if or when l have to but for now lm just getting on with life. Doom and gloom and what ifs arent helpful.

I'm not trying to be "doom and gloom" AWAL--just sharing my truth.

Sorry if I upset you--I'll step away from the thread

It wasnt you hawkeye, honeypig was the one pointing out negatives x

Hi Awal,

It seemed more like a wake-up call to me. :)

It's good to be aware of what happens time and again with alcoholism, simply to break through denial of what this disease is and what it does. It is progressive.

There also is great hope and recovery possible in being positive and celebrating the good in life. Clarity of both are a really good thing!

As I've seen more clearly what I'm dealing with, the easier it's been to allow peace, harmony and healing.

Awareness, acceptance, action. The three A's are powerful.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Ive always said lm under no illusions about his drinking. So l dont think l need a wake up call...lm just focussing on me and my life but l also acknowledge the positives about AH (dont start me on the negatives lol) l guess lm just in a good place for now. Xx

I'm glad to hear you are in a good place AWAL--peace can be a very elusive thing in this life :grouphug:

I'm with you Awal. xx

My aunt was married to an alcoholic and sadly his issues got too much for her and so she eventually separated from him after 40 years of marriage. Then two years later he died...very sad ...

She told me recently that she'd only discovered al-anon after she broke it off... and now she has this deeper awareness of herself and him.... she said she spent too many years worrying and being bitter and mad at him when they were together. She told me she wished she relaxed more ... wished she had felt acceptance for who he was..."because all that worry just doesn't matter in the end. " He was the love of her life.

Thought I'd share with you Awal.

As you say, all that matters is right NOW... x