Dear Kat,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please know you are not alone, you have amazing people here on the forum, and other resources you can utilize.

I wanted to say something that I hope makes sense, and maybe will help you out in your journey.

There are two sentences you mentioned that I wanted to touch on.

Although I am newly sober, i've been going to AA meetings regularly for the past 2 years. And I have heard SO many stories from women and men that sound exactly like yours.

The thing is, you can't blame yourself and get angry at yourself. You obviously didn't WANT to do this to your family. Do you think last night you could have prevented it?

The reason I say this is because often times addiction becomes so powerful, that NOTHING else will stop you from drinking. I've heard stories of moms watching their children, only to pass out and have their husbands come home. They also didn't 'want' to do that.

Sometimes our addictions will make us do things that we would NEVER think we would do. Also, saying you are stronger than your addiction may lead to further remorse and guilt, if you happen to drink again.

Maybe you should look at your addiction as being MORE powerful then you, your wishes and desires. I know that my addiction to alcohol is more powerful than my desire to stop drinking. That's why I have to find something that has more power than me, and can provide me the power to stop drinking.

I hope this makes sense. Keep coming here and I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you, Dee. 👍🏻😊 excellent food for thought! Your help is very much appreciated.

Dear SolidKarma,
First of all, thank you for your response and well wishes. Secondly, what you said makes perfect sense to me. Your input is valued and greatly appreciated. I could be wrong in thinking that, but I CHOOSE to believe that I’m stronger than my addiction as it puts me back in control of my life sort of speak. It makes me feel like I have power over it. It’s much easier for me to abstaine from alcohol thinking that. Most likely due to my personality (I like to be in charge of things in my life; It’s a proven technic that has helped me in the past to overcome other things, not related to my addiction). Hope it makes sense to you. I will, however, take in your advice and try to see it from a different perspective. I’m willing to try anything to make sure a thing like that does not happen to me again. I want to learn from all of you, wonderful and incredibly understanding people here. I find SR stories deep and very personal, emotional and painful to read even, yet profound and very much encouraging. I’ll try and take the good stuff away from all of it, I promise. I don’t want the blame, I don’t want the pain and shame, but I do want to be another “success story” giving hope to others seeking a way out. I, too, want to be on “a sober bus” and stay on it for good! I know I will enjoy the ride!
Based on what you pointed out, I’ll try and be more aware as to how I view things now, and will be more careful and mindful of my own goals and expectations 👍🏻:tyou

Here's to another awesome day out there for you Kat! xoxo

I’m doing well today, Ladysadie. Finishing up my house choirs and getting ready to go out for a walk with my son and husband. 😁 Keeping Myself busy helps me to cope with my shame. Today, to be honest, I struggle a little with my reoccurring thoughts of shame and regret even though I realize I can’t change the past. Still going back in my mind to all those times I made bad desisions under influence and let my loved ones down time and time again. Having said that, I do understand that it’s all part of the recovery process, I guess. Can’t wait for those feelings and thoughts to subside and leave my head!!! Looking forward to that kind of freedom and peace of mind 🙏🏻
Thanks to Dee’s recommendation, made a plan and will work on it day by day following through and modifying it based on my needs. It feels great to have a plan! It feels even better to share my thoughts and plans here with you. Have a good Sunday, Ladysadie. xoxo

Glad to hear things are going well today Kat. Having a plan for life in general really helps, and especially for the initial stages of getting sober.

I get the shame/regrets too - that's totally normal to feel it for things we've done in the past. But the solution is of course not to dwell on it because you cannot change any of it. You CAN make choices today though that will show others that you are serious about recovery and improving your life - and I can guarantee that in the long run, most people will remember that more than the bad stuff.

Thank you, Scott. Perfect timing for your response too. I logged in just now hoping to read something that will give me hope that those feelings do pass eventually. I’m willing to do the hard work to make it happen. I’m smiling now as I’m writing back to you and keeping my head up high! If you have more things to share, suggestions that may help me get over those negative feelings today and in the future, I’m listening!!!! Every little bit helps me tremendously as I tend to get stuck on intrusive thoughts. God bless and thank you. Hope your day is going well.

Kat - I was a person who kept a drink on my night stand so when I woke up shaking I could take a sip. At the end of my 30 yr drinking career, I was completely dependent on it & didn't see how I'd ever stop. I know how fragile we are in those early days of trying to let go of it. But every day we're a little bit stronger, a little more determined - and happy to be getting free. As I've said, I have over 10 yrs. sober now - so I know you can do this.

Hevyn,
Congrats on over 10 years sober! What an accomplishment! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I’m going to visualize myself 10 years from today writing “I have been 10 years sober” to someone in need of support and encouragement. That , too, could be a part of my plan! I’m doing great today; 3 days sober and no cravings (thanks to all of you fine people and your contributions to my determined state of mind). Went out with my family today and enjoyed every second of it. Apart from those pesky feelings of regret and shame as I have mentioned before. Can’t seem to stop dwelling on my recent past just yet. But I’m trying. Positive thinking helps but only when I can actually distract myself with positive thoughts and desire to be present for my son and husband. Desire to be in the moment and to register it as “my happy thoughts”. Also, reading posts and feedbacks, especially, on SR have been hugely helpful and eye-opening for me over the past three days. Thank you for thinking of me and for making me part of your day today! Best to you!:grouphug:

Thinking of you Kat, hoping your continuum of sobriety is in good shape. As we move into the holidays I hope you are surrounded by loving support. Sending you good vibes!

Day 5 and going strong 💪🏻👍🏻🙏🏻 Will be celebrating tomorrow with a glass of sparkling lemon water!
Happy 4th to you, Ladysadie. xoxo

I was in such dark place a week ago but I’m doing much better now. One week sober and it feels great. It feels right! It feels like I’m finding my inner peace and I can’t wait to see what experiences a two-week mark will bring. Thank you all for your support and heartfelt wishes. So lucky to have found you all! Hope you all are doing ok today. :tyou:grouphug:

Congrats on your week Kat :)

D

A week is wonderful, Kat. :)

Thank you, D!:thanks

Indeed! Thank you, Hevyn!:grouphug:

watching out for you my friend, Kat. So glad for your week sober. That is so hard to do but you made it! Keep up the good work. it sounds like you have plenty of reason why!

Very true! Thank you, my dear friend, for watching out for me. Day 9 is almost over 🌃 and I’m looking forward to Day 10. I keep coming back here and reading post after post to keep things in perspective for myself, and, with a humble hope to be of inspiration to others. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts; means a lot to me. :tyou.
xoxo

Keep! It! Up! Love that you checked back in, you are indeed in our thoughts. I remember my body just starting to heal a little week one. I'm glad i kept giving it the chance to heal some more. It's not always easy but IT DOES get a whole lot better.

That’s encouraging to know, goodbyeevan. Thank you for sharing it with me. I can’t wait for my body and mind to heal so I can start forgiving myself. I realize it is a long process, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get better. Taking it one day at a time; all I can do for now. 😊🙏🏻