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-   -   Diary of a Mad Cow, Part IX: "Moo & Improved" (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/349790-diary-mad-cow-part-ix-moo-improved.html)

Cow 11-04-2014 05:22 PM

Diary of a Mad Cow, Part IX: "Moo & Improved"
 
Hello Kittens, is Cow! You maybe remember me from such tediously hopeless and relentlessly bereft threads as “Diary of a Mad Cow, Part I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, and VIII.” You maybe thinking, "Sweet Jesus, I just can no take yet more postings from that sad, dreary Cow!" And who can blames you?! Hell, even I only make it through one Season of True Tori. But, I has announcement. I think maybe you sit down, yes? I SAID SIT DOWN!

Okay, so recently, for first time in longer time than I remember… I chuckled. Okay. Alright. Calm the hell down! I not rolling about with laughter or anything, but I has to say, it feel really good. It has happen more than a couple time now.

But Cow, you ask? How is this possible?! You has always been our belove total morose anhedonic zombie Borg! Well, first, I finally cut head off snake and let go of daily caffeine. I still using little bit, but only as medicine if a depressive state become truly catastrophic. Also, I find right combination of nootropics that starting to help shift and rebuild brain chemistry. Was lot of trial and error with these supplements, 10 year of it, but it final seem to be combination that working. I hopes to god it not like “Awakenings” and it only gonna work for month and then everything go to stone cold anhedonic hell again, but I choose to think positive.

No get me wrong, Cupcakes. I still mostly existing in the turbulent and fragile extremes of anhedonia and depressions, but is now tiniest of slenderest of sliver of crack in what has seem like lifetime of unrelenting darkness, so by gods, I’ll take it!

I had thought to wait ‘til I feeling more confident that this is real change before posting again, but, truth is, I missing you guys. So fair warnings: I still on trecherous recovery rollercoaster for sure, but whether I headed for true turning point or just gonna careen off rails in fiery crash again, I wish for you to be with me.* Hell, you has come this far, right?

*In event of fiery crash, Cow not liable for any physical or psychological injuries, including, but no limited to, dismemberment, incontinence and post traumatic cow disorder. If you experience death lasting more than 4 hour, see you doctor immediately.



[last part here - http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-value-21.html ~ D]

Soberpotamus 11-04-2014 05:25 PM

Cow, nice to hear you Moo again :)

Happy for you that the nootropics might be helping! That is good news!

Glad you're back with us....

BackToSquareOne 11-04-2014 05:39 PM

Good to see you posting again Cow. I'm not expecting to get to fine and dandy all at once, gotta get the fine thing all worked out before I start on the dandy part.

silentrun 11-04-2014 05:44 PM

yay Cow! It's a good sign Cow that those things are helping. Improvement seemed to take F O R E V E R when I stopped. In reality it wasn't that long considering what I had been doing so anything this positive is awesome. When you said bite the head of the snake I thought of the Honey Badger. The venom should have killed him but he just took a "nap".

Cow 11-04-2014 06:05 PM

When you in true darkness, like in a cave, tiny speck of light, such as single match, can seem incredible bright and glorious. It like I living in deprivation chamber forever, and suddenly is tiny spot of light and is wonderful. Is like, OMG, am I final gonna get out?! At same time, I cautious to trust it. What if it go away and leave me in dark again?

Not can go there though, cuz if I go there, then I go into whole overwhelming spiral of how big of mess I still has to clean up, and how I has to get a life, and work through grief of missing out on entire life until now. And...
"They flutter behind you, the banners and flags, of your possible pasts, lie in tatters and rags." ~Pink Floyd, Final Cut

Dee74 11-04-2014 06:20 PM

Glad to have you back and sparking, Cow :)

D

silentrun 11-04-2014 06:30 PM

Oooh Cow! You just reminded me of one of my favorite songs from early recovery!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdaaGlyu7EQ
I've been in a cave for 40 days...only a spark to light my way...

Cow 11-04-2014 06:38 PM

Thank you, Salvador D.

So how everybody else doing? I was read a lot on here. I look for you all, but you rarely make new postings, so is hard to find you. Sometime I see you in other thread, but is not place I feel I has anything to offer. I did see B2Sq1 post on ruminations, but, I still ruminating on what to offer.

SR, I remembers that song! That some serious 80's Lost Boys' synth cheese. Kiefer still hot! Like INXS song from that one too.

DuhDave 11-04-2014 06:44 PM

Cow. What can I say...
 
...beside's...MOOOOOooooooooooooooo....

Glad you is back.

:-)

fini 11-04-2014 07:22 PM

wowcow,
you miss us?
that's fantastic!
i remember a post of yours from long ago where you were quite clear you don't care one way or another, so this seems a step up from that...or sideways :)
good to see you again and hear that the brain-chemical-soup is getting fine-tuned with some success
nothing much new here. spent a week at a cabin on an island, hiked, read, knit, read more. and then read some more.
interspersed with making some good meals and going to the bakery for the beverage which shall remain un-named and a cookie.
perfect holiday.

courage2 11-04-2014 07:59 PM

Hi Cow -- I'm good or not really in that I have an extremely intense headache brought on by sleep deprivation and a work trip to one of the armpits of the many-armed beast that is Washington DC, brought to us all by the military-industrial complex.

But I made it home. I've been a little wired lately and finding it very hard to come down gently or at all, but drinking just isn't a viable option any more. So I'm instead learning what it's like to live with my brain day-in, day-out. It's exhausting, 's what it is!

Glad you chuckled. :)

Cow 11-04-2014 08:15 PM

Bunny, I forget what you do, is we bombing somebody new this week?

At this point, you would has to pry sleepy pill from my cold dead hooves. I total go nuts on no sleep. I try lot of the herb and supplement for relax and sleep but none of those work, so I still on the benzos. But, you know, one or two dragon at a time is about all one can slay, yes?

courage2 11-04-2014 08:34 PM


Originally Posted by Cow (Post 4997142)
one or two dragon at a time is about all one can slay, yes?

Yes. I take one benzo a night which is supposed to help me sleep but it doesn't really, so I don't know why I bother, but whathehell.

I'm just an academic but my discipline has been much supported by the military not for actions in the field but for training. Interesting work, really, if you can afford it.

Cow 11-04-2014 08:45 PM

Uh huh. Well that vague.

None of benzos help me sleep either 'til I find flurazepam. Is no high of any kind, just all of sudden you feel like you gotta sleep. And I has been at same dosage for 7 year without has to take more, so that rare success for me. Of course, I want to get off it all the same, as no way it not contribute to anhedonia.

Gilmer 11-05-2014 03:24 AM

It's great to see you back, Cow! So very nice to hear about your recent chuckling! :)

SoberLeigh 11-05-2014 06:38 AM

Glad you are back, Cow.

Baby steps are good; they are where we all started (and to which we retreat when in need).

RobbyRobot 11-05-2014 06:49 AM

How awesome r u?!!
(((Cow))) :hug: :)
:You_Rock_ :scoregood

alphaomega 11-05-2014 09:31 AM

((((((((((((((COW))))))))))))))))))

You can't even possibly imagine how freakishly joyful this has made me.
Well, you probably can, cuz you know old Gladass Happybutt over here !!!

but OMG !!!!! It's happening !

Don't Stop, Don't Give Up! - YouTube

:e100:

alphaomega 11-05-2014 09:35 AM

Here - test out your giggles on this...

Babies Scared of Farts Compilation 2013 [HD] - YouTube

Cow 11-05-2014 10:04 AM

Mmm, no, I not awesome, Robot. But I not aiming for awesome, I just aiming for to be average, pleasant, and just kind of normal, you know? Also, I hope to be good person someday. And no, I not very good person yet. Anhedonics is mostly apathetic and very selfish. Like when I say I miss you guys, well fini, I has to confess, that cuz I mostly miss what I get out of it. I a needy, smelly barnacle sucking up you encouragements and support. Although, I has to say, I did feel very bad that I let Trach down and he have to leave last thread cuz my addict behavior endanger him. And I secretly check up on him. Also, I have soft spot for Guinea Pig, cuz she still in the hole. And I did make sincere efforts to fully repair kerfluffles with Robot and AO ...hmm, that maybe something, yes?

Hi AO, I already chuckle again this morning watching Colbert Report from last night. But I not taking my nootropics today, cuz I feeling hypomanic. I tell you, tinkering with brain is really walking the tightrope. One minute it sleepy, next minute it feeling almost balanced, then suddenly it buying 4 pair of same shoe and hitting on auto parts clerk who kindly replace brake light. I think it jacked up today cuz I had ice cream last night. Yes, it that freaking sensitive. I think it gonna has to be NO sugar for Cow! :cries3:

So how is AO, Robot, Glimmer and Soberly?

alphaomega 11-05-2014 11:23 AM

Oh little ole me ? :)

Well, I've been having to eat all sorts of humble pie. Been learning a lot, questioning my belief systems, repairing some long standing damage, studying all things metaphysical and basically just trying to "get it right". You know, just any given Tuesday for AO.

Maybe by the time they put me on a metal slab, I will have gotten it right ? Maybe ? Prolly not.

I go on shoe buying sprees like a boss. I should buy stock in Aerosoles. Seriously, its becoming a problem. My husband questions my sanity as Amazon Prime is at the house daily.

Oh, I've been researching all sorts of anti aging things too.
Cuz 45 brings with it a whole host of saggin', baggin' and draggin'.

Right now, I'm most excited about vit C powder for eye bags and the baby Quasar.

Thanks for asking.

SoberLeigh 11-05-2014 11:36 AM

Soberly is okay. I did some Christmas shopping for the grands yesterday (ages 5 months, 4years, 4 years (not twins, cousins) and 7 years; there's some cute stuff out there.

I'll be heading to AZ soon to spend Thanksgiving with them. So life is very good there.

I have a wonderful 20 yr. old nephew who is dealing with health issues no 20 yr. old should have to face and my friend in experimental cancer treatment has not improved. So life has its "balances", doesn't it?

Great to have you back, cow (no matter your motives!!!!).

AO, what is baby Quasar????

alphaomega 11-05-2014 11:47 AM

Its unbelievable Soberleigh.
And it really, REALLY does what it promises.
Baby Quasar, is light therapy for wrinkles.
It's stupid expensive but since I no longer have a car payment, why not ?

Baby Quasar

SoberLeigh 11-05-2014 11:58 AM


Originally Posted by alphaomega (Post 4998272)
Its unbelievable Soberleigh.
And it really, REALLY does what it promises.
Baby Quasar, is light therapy for wrinkles.
It's stupid expensive but since I no longer have a car payment, why not ?

Baby Quasar

Interesting, very interesting. Hmmmm . . . .

Leshar 11-05-2014 12:06 PM

Hi Cow, nice to see you post and to hear that you're experiencing a glimmer of hope. May it flourish!

Personally, I don't think anhedonics are selfish people. For myself, I just feel so exhausted and sort of unfeeling most of the time that to give of myself to others is difficult.
rTMS is very painful. Session 12 today, the first day I didn't cry out in pain and beg the tech to stop. The psych says I should persist for 30 because I may be a late responder. I'm weary to my bones.

SoberLeigh 11-05-2014 12:09 PM

Your courage is inspirational, Leshar.

Cow 11-05-2014 01:03 PM

Leshar, you is other one my heart ache for. I very much hoping you treatments work out. "Selfish" is probable bad word because is not intent behind it, is just there is no ability to care, so one's actions become self-centric, which only natural. Please keep us update on you treatments.

Soberly, Christmas shopping for childrens would be last on my list, but I glad it make you happy. I also will be in AZ for Thxgiving.

AO, what this humble pie business about? You not possible gonna drop juicy bomb like that on Ms. Kavitz Cow and not explain?! Dish it!

And plus also, why is nobody just embrace being old haggard crone. When 60 year old look 40, it just make it harder on rest of us!

alphaomega 11-05-2014 01:29 PM


Originally Posted by Cow (Post 4998388)

And plus also, why is nobody just embrace being old haggard crone. When 60 year old look 40, it just make it harder on rest of us!

Yeah, sure. - this coming from the woman whose friends give her snark because she looks 20 because she never makes facial expressions. :whoop

I'm not getting injections or anything, just not going to go down without a fight. I actually kinda like my aging face, but I don't want to get ploopy.

Maybe it's cuz this sobriety thing has resulted in being the first time, IN MY ENTIRE LIFE that I actually "feel" good health wise and I am truly truly happy. I want my outer sense to reflect the inner peace I have worked my ever loving ass off for.

My 20's and 30's were a virtual health train wreck. Not your typical train wreck, but the kind that careens off the rails and takes down everything within a nautical mile.

I'm finally free. Yeah, it's late. But you know buddy, better late, right ?

Cow 11-05-2014 01:40 PM

Better late than never, of course, cuz never is long, long time.

I serious age A LOT over last 6 months. This last couple stints in the hole really takes it out of me. I think I total catch up to my 49 years. And I think I final full on menopause now which I think is speed up aged look. And plus also my genetics is to sag versus wrinkle. So I definite got some sagging.

I not gonna pretend like everyday I wake up and is some new growth on my body that I not like, really? WTF? And I total understand how hard and long you work to feel healthy and happy, but why does outside has to look "youthful" to proper reflect that. (I mean that as question in general about society and no just to you.) I just not like that beautiful equate with youthful, but I think in this country is simple no way around this. I not want to be old lady in this country. You might as well be invisible.

Having say that, total keep us up to date on how you Quasar Fetus working for you! :)

Soberpotamus 11-05-2014 01:58 PM

The sugar thing... Cow, I'm finding out that I am super sensitive to sugar... like, careening from highs to lows, acting nutty, etc. The sugar/caffeine deal can really get me going, in a really bad way. I've cut way back with good results.

So you asked what we are up to lately? My dog Lucy is nearly healed from her accident. She runs normally and is probably ready to go back on the leash for a regular walk in the neighborhood. I have been worried for her, but she seems to heal quickly so I worried for naught :)

I've been working a new job lately, in addition to my writing and ebay store - I've been doing some sales & service for AT&T. Oh yeah. Can't believe it but I am really doing it. Talking to actual customers every day. It's a trip. We are officially still in training, but I'll be flying solo on the 11th of this month. It's a sweet work-from-home gig. My office is setup with multiple monitors and a fancy phone system now, and it looks like I am manning some sort of spy station.

I've been meditating daily for over a month now (give or take a few days!), and am in a meditation course with my very own meditation instructor :) She is great so far. We email back and forth about my meditating habits and she gives suggestions.

I'm currently reading the new Sam Harris book, Waking Up. Good stuff!! I highly recommend this book to you (and to anyone on this thread). It's about spirituality for seculars or for those who aren't affiliated with a religion, and typically coming from agnostic/atheist background.

Lucy, the dog, suddenly understood all her training commands at once - it all seemed to "click" for her simultaneously one day. She now sits, stays, and comes on command. It thrilled me! She was such a hyper puppy, I'd lost hope. I really have so much to learn about dogs!


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