Wowsers. It's 3:30 in the morning, got home a little bit ago. I got home covered in beer-scented mud from that concert. Honestly, the mud was so insane I might skip tomorrow's show. Makes me a little sad but we'll see how I feel. Honestly, the drunken cowboys were expected but highly obnoxious tonight. Especially the one who was standing behind me, headbanging like crazy (dude... wrong place. This is COUNTRY music) and managed to basically headbutt me. That really didn't feel good at all. Still have a headache. But... off to bed for about 3 hours' sleep then more fun and intrigue tomorrow!!

Took a break from SR...did anyone notice? Probably not because I was only gone for like 24 hours. :react Guess no one had that reaction huh? lol
I just cant stay away, guess I like you guys too much. :ghug

I am going to make a schedule for myself today, which will probably be figured out on my thread. I NEED some structure!

Today is all right so far. No up no down. Guess I am floating in the middle.

I did notice that you didn't send me your e-mail for a picture of the rice.
Not that it matters, they both look bad ! I think the idiot rice looks best...how did I manage that?

Glad you're back,
I also noticed TSH, glad you're back too !
Katie too!
and Bam.
Am I forgetting anyone? That's called CRS, my fault, you're all in my heart anyway !

i noticed viv (hug)

My breaks last about an hour...so i don't bother to post about them anymore (hug)

I'm in a bad mood. I was on the phone with my sister and everytime I tell her about a new friend or a love interest she automatically starts putting them down. She says I'm too naive and people will always try to hurt me and take advantage of me so better not to have any friends at all. Of course I've had bad relationships in the past and she's quick to remind me of them. But still I can't help wondering if she's right.... but I also want to prove her wrong, that I can meet nice people. As for herself, she prefes not to have any friends or social life.. shes a huge workaholic... and successful too so I cant say anything back to her. lol

OK... wowsers! I was slipping into a bit of a funk again earlier. I ended up not going to the concert I wanted to see last night because I was so tired and the venue was outdoors, in the rain, with mud 2 inches deep everywhere. I didn't want to deal with it for another night (after an awesome concert Friday night in the same venue... part of the same festival, actually). But a friend called a few minutes ago and offered me her extra ticket to see Fleetwood Mac tonight (indoor venue this time). So... like, duh, of course I'm going!

Eroica...i was alot like your sister for about 15 years...believe me it isn't a very fun life after a while....it was ok for about 7-10 years...but now i really regret all the friends and realtionships and love i maybe could have had taht are now lost.

I think maybe your sis is feeding what may be some irrational beliefs you might have.

learning from the past is one thing, letting it define us is something else. You need to prove it wrong to yourself...her opinion won't matter that much if you know it isn't true (course none of this can i do :( )

For free Fleetwood Mac, I'd furnish a little effort too!

*grumble grumble grumble* Sometimes I hate people. I used to try really hard to please people. It kept everyone happy-- except me. And now I'm a lot happier overall but there's a lot more friction in my life because I stopped giving in-- especially when people are manipulative. Before and while I was drinking and doing drugs I would do whatever people wanted. And since I quit, I kind of stopped caring so much.

The current friction: I have started hiking a few times a week. They are decent hikes-- the trails are anywhere from 6.2 to 7.5 miles in length, through some small hills around a lake. A girl I know wanted to get in shape a bit so we've been hiking together. She was sick this weekend, but she went with me to the concert Friday night and a Renaissance Festival on Saturday. When I took her home last night she said since she wasn't feeling well she probably would not hike today, she wanted to take a day and rest up since this is finals week. I told her that was cool, but I was still going to go hiking.

Fast forward to this morning. Friend calls, offers me tickets to Fleetwood Mac tonight and since my plans for the evening involve me, myself, and I... well I figured it would be ok to break my own plans. I texted this girl to let her know I wasn't going and we could try the path I was going to take some other time if she wanted to. Big huge mistake. She's mad at me because I didn't double check that she might want to go, and told me if I was smart I would have realized that whenever she says she probably won't go she usually ends up going so I should have known she was going anyway and should not have made plans. Whoa. Really?

And here's the kicker. I am not best friends with her, but she goes around telling people we are best friends. She has another friend that she hangs out with all the time, she has broken plans with me to hang out with him and even when I've invited her out somewhere she has said she did not want to go because she thought he *might* invite her over. So clearly she likes him and even though she tells people she and I are best friends I'm always second place there (and yet gets mad that I don't always make her my top priority). So when I told her I was still doing something else tonight she sorta spat back at me, "Well I'll just hang out with him tonight." Like it was some sort of insult, i.e. "He's a better friend."

It's the most pathetic manipulation I have ever seen. I don't think she's my best friend so when she acts like we aren't best friends... how is that supposed to bother me, exactly? She's one of the most manipulative people I have met, but she's overestimated her ability to manipulate me on this one. I wish she would stop telling people we are best friends, actually. It puts me in an awkward position of either going along with it (and she's not someone I want to be strongly associated with) or looking like a jerk by telling people she and I aren't best friends, no matter what she has told them. Luckily most of the people we both know understand her personality enough that they realize she's kind of crazy.

I don't know why I suddenly stopped caring so much. I cared when I was sober. I cared when I did drugs and drank. And now that I'm sober again something in my head just snapped and I don't give in to it anymore.

My sister does this, too. She dates some LOSERS, but I won't say anything. It's none of my business who she dates and it isn't important how I feel about them since it isn't my relationship. I wish I could warn her that her last 3 boyfriends (including her current) were raging methies and she needs to look out for people like that, but this is not the sort of info she would listen to, and it would give me away. She doesn't know about my drug use so I have to let her figure her bf's out on her own.

For some reason, though, she feels like it's ok to tell me every little character flaw of every person I date or am friends with. She's extremely judgmental, telling me I'm a loser and bf's and friends are losers pretty much every day. I quit worrying about it; I realized she's a b!tch and she's probably mad at the world because she's disabled and I really don't care what she thinks of me.

We do put the fun in dysfunctional though!

gneiss.. your friend does sound crazy. I also have a friend who introduces me as his best friend...I don't say anything. I mean, he can think of me as his best friend, but he knows that I already have a best friend so what can I do? lol

I tell her probably once a week I am not her best friend. After I left for the concert she started texting me, basically telling me she knew I was headed down to visit my ex and smoke meth with him. And she called a good friend of mine and told him that I said that. I said no such thing, but I let her think whatever she wanted. I was in the middle of a concert, no way I was going to sit in my seat and ignore Fleetwood Mac to explain myself to her... especially since I owe her no explanation.

The thing is, I don't know how to get rid of this girl. If I ignore her she sends me more text messages, and they get more manipulative. She's threatened to kill herself when people have stopped hanging out with her; it's the Boy Who Cried Wolf thing though. No one believes her anymore... some day she's actually going to surprise us all and do it.

Hey gneiss,

I understand what you mean about being sober and not caring as much any more. I think it's becauss you like yourself better so you dont feel you have to please people as much. The important thing is to be yourself, not what you think people want you to be, and those that don't like it are not those you need around. Don't worry about what other people think of you, do what is right for you. If you friend is threatening suicide, tell her nicely that she needs to see a doctor. Do not let her take you down with her, or even make you feel guilty. Friends give good advice, but do not drown because their friends are drowning.

Thanks, Cali. She pulled the suicide threat with me and I called a friend to ask his opinion. He said, "It's emotional blackmail. Don't let her do that to you. There's a reason people like her don't have any friends, and you're starting to see it now." *Ding ding ding* We have a winner! He advised me to call her parents, inform them of the suicide threat, and not speak to her again. I should have taken his advice... *grumble grumble grumble*

I've been feeling kinda of crappy for the last few days and I'm coming down with a cold, so I guess that explains the crappy mood. I've been mean to pretty much everyone I know. I didn't have a cold the entire time I was doing drugs, this is my first cold in well over a year. It' weird, you'd think with all the chemicals I was pouring into my body my immune system would be sufficiently weak to get a cold, but apparently viruses don't like those chemicals either. Same with mosquitoes-- they don't bite me anymore. And no more migraines since I started meth. Weird.

I was at a friend's apartment last night, hanging out. This girl I know came over and brought me a birthday present, which was weird since I don't really know her that well. And the present? Bottle of wine. Thanks, that's wildly inappropriate. She doesn't know so I just smiled and said thanks. Now I have a bottle of wine I hope I can pawn off on a roommate or something.

Yea! Ive got the whole day to myself. been checking up on my internet recovery sites...I belong to far, far too many...LOL. Ah so it is with ADD...I'm everywhere on the web..LOL...well not really but spread out so thin I cant keep up.

The girl friend has been keeping me busy with Dr. appointments, shopping, and just running around endlessly. Geeze its has been hard especially the days when my anxiety is off the chart. I take a small dose of Tazadone http://www.mazeguy.net/symbolic/hypnodisk.gif during the day when the anxiety symptoms are over the top. So that makes it hard to concentrate when I'm on the road going all over the place getting errands done for her. I get honked at all the time...LOL. It actuall makes me more nervous driving when it seems like everybody else on the road is driving like its the http://www.mazeguy.net/sports/checkeredflag.gif Indy 500...or so it looks like on Trazadone...ack...psych meds suck someday's. But no Traz today...yea....Kinda hyper with all the coffee...LOL... http://www.mazeguy.net/happy/jump.gif coffee is cool.

having a bad evening....4 more hours to go....

my eyes lingered just a little too long on the liquer store and thoughts about how the first shot goes down....are just a little too vivid.

problem really is...i don't care all that much that i'm thinking that way...well its given me a little scare or i wouldn't be posting...

frankly i'm just too worn out right now to deal with analizing this...

I'm just gonna figure this feeling will go away eventually... do some posting, lead a meeting, not real charged up about it...but then again...i'm the bouncing ball and i suppose i'll feel just fine 2 hours from now.

there is definatly some self pity going on and some resentment....but mostly i just feel like being shut down...this stupid sht in my head is getting old...i just wanna turn it off.

That's exactly how I feel right now. Thanks for posting.

Call the police and report her the next time she says she is going to kill herself. When they show up and start asking her a bunch of questions, she'll know that you are taking her threats seriously and one of two things will happen:

A.) She'll never threaten suicide around you again

B.) She'll leave you alone


She might be looking for attention, but anyone threatening suicide, in my opinion, is not a stable person. Anything could happen. Remove all doubt and let the authorities handle it.