I need to get this off my chest
 

I am in my early 50's and I find myself crying myself to sleep way too often. I have made a mess of my life and I have no one to blame other than me. I have broken dreams and I have broken hearts (my own being one of them) and I am ashamed of all of it. I don't know what to do.

Hi, I know from when I had a long period of sobriety that life improves so much when we get sober. ALthough in the early weeks it is incredibly raw it really does get better

I'm sorry Jeff. You're a good guy who deserves better than crying yourself to sleep and being this profoundly sad..

I know you're not keen on the therapy meds or doctor route...but I'm not sure what else I can suggest man.

Just stay away from the booze, and I hope something happens for you to turn things round.

D

Its all I got Dee, I can only feel good about what I do going forward. the past is a disaster, and sometimes it hurts pretty bad.

Here is how sensative I am, you tell me I'm a good guy who deserves better and that alone brings tears to my eyes. Because I honestly disagree with you. I am not a good guy, which is why I am in this situation.

here to support you

I am an absolute professional at tearing myself down. Weeks ago I picked up the local community paper out of my mailbox. Its some crap with how normal families are going through lockdown. Stories with local guys. Many even a little younger than me, with their beautiful (some) wives and their children, pictured in front of their beautiful homes in the rich neighborhoods.

I'd like to say I have my recovery together, I have all the answers all the time but I don't. Sometimes I look at how I think I should stack up to society's standards and I don't measure up. Its hard to put into words how angry and upset I can get about this.

The best thing I could do for my recovery was turn my will over to God. That's what got me sober. That's what gave me peace in recovery. The problem I run into from time to time is this depression. The depression comes after I turn my will over to God but he doesn't carry it out the way that I want him to.

So I took another hour this morning. It's cool and damp so I took some time to meditate next to an open window. There is a brook right outside packed with wildlife. Just took in the serenity of the fresh air and the birds singing. Breathing out all that fear and building back up that trust of God's will for me. I'm right where God wants me to be no matter how messed up it's looked at times.

I feel you thomas11
My life isn't where I want to be either
And of course it's all my fault

But all we can do is be better moving forward so we don't feel like this in the years to come

You ARE a good guy, Jeff.

The only way to create a better past is to create a better present, present day after present day. The present soon becomes a past, one you can look back on with pride and without regret.

With you, friend.

I read a bible verse every morning from this bible app on my phone and last night I was really temped to drink but I managed to stay sober. Anyway this morning the bible verse highlighted:

" For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it" Hebrews 12:11

I hope you find peace Thomas11, regrets are tough to move on from though crying over spilled milk never got it back in the glass. I really hope you feel better

Life expectancy for you means you got another 25 years! My dad thinks he is gonna die every day!. He is 76 now and will be alive for probably another 20 years (unfortunately he he)

Jeff, I know it's really hard to reconcile the things we did when we were drinking. It is for me, too. But, you deserve forgiveness and to forgive yourself. Try to focus on doing the right thing every day and at the end of each day go over those things in your mind. Hopefully you can fall asleep feeling good about yourself.

Those feelings are very tough to deal with Jeff. It is your AV at its most cunning and most brutal. That dirty bugger is trying to convince you that you are irredeemable so you may as well drink. Of course nobody cares about a bad guy drinking. Dirty little AV.

You are a good person Jeff. We've all done things we regret. Everyone, addict or not, sober or not, the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. Regret is universal.

You have a good 30-40 years in front of you Jeff, if you are lucky. What do you want to fill it with?

I hope you are sober this morning man.

Don't confuse behavior with character. There are times that my behavior sucks but the reason I know it sucks is because my core character is good and tells me my behavior sucks at this moment.

Character is a tree. Behavior is the shadow of the tree, it is not the tree. Water and nurture the tree by doing what is in the best interest of the tree and you will be amazed as growth takes off and proliferates.

I am in my early 50's and I find myself crying myself to sleep way too often

I'm in my early 60's and have been sober over 10 years, my life is good. You can do the math. Sobriety over a few years time makes a wonderful difference.

Wow, such great reading here this morning. Thanks everyone. I recently started taking antidepressants. I don't like to take medication, but I think I need it, so I'm giving it a try.
Love and hugs to you, Jeff. Everyone is right, the past is gone, time to move on. Meditation helps me, and also just 'releasing' the negative emotions as they come up.

Yes you are a good guy.

Jeff.....I got sober at 50. And I felt very much like you feel now.
You can have everything (well almost) that you ever wanted.

We can't get our youth back and we can't always get back the people we hurt, but we can have a wonderful future.

You know my story.....you were with me every step.
New life, new country, and many many great things in front of me.

And I do truly believe that you can be happy again, we all can. :hug: s ❤️❤️

Jeff, you don't need to be a good guy or not a good guy in order to get sober, stay sober and make change.
the important thing is to not get stuck in "i am this and therefore i will always be this" .
don't know how you feel about AA, but that is one program designed for exactly this:" I have made a mess of my life and I have no one to blame other than me. I have broken dreams and I have broken hearts (my own being one of them) and I am ashamed of all of it. I don't know what to do."

Jeff, you say you don’t know to do, what have tried?
I get it , be willing to bet I’m clinically depressed and feels like I’ve been for as long as “I” can remember. I think I decided to not care about that self diagnosis and I think adopting that stance was part of my Big Plan.

My BP is so compartmentalized that it literally only has to do with permanent alcohol abstinence.

I do try and not ‘do evil’, but I know or at least think for sure , I could do more /better for myself , but for whatever reasons I keep choosing not to.

Part of my lack of motivation is I’m not convinced what I ‘live with’ isn’t just the ‘human condition’ but it could also be myriad other causes .

Not offering any solutions, I really don’t think I have any , just adding to say , yep hear ya.

I refuse to let myself think about all my regrets and losses, because it's too huge. Maybe it's not recommended to bury feelings, but I have to do what it takes to stay sober. So when my mind starts thinking about the past I have to look at my surroundings and ground myself into the present. It really works for me. Don't be hard on yourself it's important to stay sober x

"Bouts of depression" was actually the topic at the AA Zoom meeting I went to this morning. It was my regular Saturday morning meeting, and it was good to see familiar faces. Everyone had different experiences with depression, but all were glad that they had a recovery fellowship to help them deal with it.

I have suffered with bouts of depression my whole life. I have had several therapists, but find the most success through physical activity and (again) going to AA meetings. I don't rely on SR as much as I could, but feel it is immensely helpful.

Hi Jeff,

I’m sorry that you’re feeling that way right now. It sounds like you may be drinking again, I hope I’m wrong and that you are still sober.

Life can definitely be challenging, especially right now, but there are some things you can do to help how you’re feeling. You were seeing the therapist for a bit, are you still doing that? I know you’ve been resistant to see a doctor about possible options, one of which may include antidepressants, but I think it’s worth exploring.

You deserve to be happy, and you are worth investing the time into to make this happen.

What can you do today that may help you take some steps in that direction?

❤️ Delilah

Sorry you're feeling this way Jeff.

I've read studies that say exercise and diet can be as efficacious as antidepressants. Always makes me feel better. But I'm not a doctor. I think psychotropics are sometimes needed, but overprescribed. The choice is ours in the end.

I understand too, that Modern psychology no longer asks for people to dredge up their miserable pasts for recovery to occur. It's about being present, now. It takes practice, and perseverance, and I don't think you ever "get there". The journey grows. Acceptance. Grace.

I think its important to process stuff, but to flog ourselves indefinitely is not a way forward.

If one is sober and living in recovery the tears will stop and be replaced with optimism, calm and an acceptance of what’s gone before and gratitude of what’s to come. That is my experience.

I hope this outpouring of posts to you helps Jeff. You’re a valued member here.
whatever happened in the past has no bearing on that.

If you think you have some PTSD I hope you think a little more on what you can do about that.

Stay sober man :)

D

Pretty much anything Dee wrote to me used to bring tears to my eyes, Jeff. ;) You're that raw. I get it.

I was part of a self-loathing club at AA. I grew out of it. Not that I gained a ton of self-respect, but I truly learned -- in my heart -- that my shame and pain and anger at myself were a kind of pride, and I set that aside. Mostly of course -- I still have my days.

Treat yourself like you would treat a sick child. That's what you are. And like others have said, consider a good doctor, or a good mentor.

There will be better days ahead for you.

One thing about being sober is that I feel my feelings. no longer numb. I think in the end its a good thing.

Reconciling the guilt, shame and responsibility I feel for my situation is rough and something I am still working on, Jeff. I am 59 years old. I got sober on 23 December 2015, and sobriety has brought me many good things, such as being one class away from my AA degree in social work--I plan to continue and receive my Bachelor's. However, things aren't perfect; I wrecked my car in the fiasco that got me sober and haven't been able to afford another--oh, well. I ride my bike and have got healthy from doing it. I don't have a relationship and I think at my age I may never have one--but that's okay. I have regained the self-respect and trust of the people I love, and proven that I can take care of myself without reaching for the bottle when trouble comes. You seem like a nice guy to me--you want to change. You know there is something better out there for you. You can do this--it's a cliche, but it's true; as far gone as I was, if I can get sober, so can you.

Dee, I have to stay sober, I have had 2 relapses since christmas and both were not good. I'm fricking half crazy as a sober person, when drunk I am a maniac. But I am a human being and I hurt, and I cry and I have feelings. I have been told that a suffer from depression and I think they might be right. Then again, I'm not a doctor so I don't know what I feel and if its wrong. My brother once told me "you have to stop thinking like that" and my response was if I could, I would it would make life a lot easier. Its not that easy.

I'm glad you're not drinking Jeff - thats good news :)

D