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I need to get this off my chest

Old 05-23-2020, 03:48 AM
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I need to get this off my chest

I am in my early 50's and I find myself crying myself to sleep way too often. I have made a mess of my life and I have no one to blame other than me. I have broken dreams and I have broken hearts (my own being one of them) and I am ashamed of all of it. I don't know what to do.
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Old 05-23-2020, 03:53 AM
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Hi, I know from when I had a long period of sobriety that life improves so much when we get sober. ALthough in the early weeks it is incredibly raw it really does get better
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Old 05-23-2020, 03:55 AM
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I'm sorry Jeff. You're a good guy who deserves better than crying yourself to sleep and being this profoundly sad..

I know you're not keen on the therapy meds or doctor route...but I'm not sure what else I can suggest man.

Just stay away from the booze, and I hope something happens for you to turn things round.

D
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Old 05-23-2020, 04:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I'm sorry Jeff. You're a good guy who deserves better than crying yourself to sleep and being this profoundly sad..

I know you're not keen on the therapy meds or doctor route...but I'm not sure what else I can suggest man.

Just stay away from the booze, and I hope something happens for you to turn things round.

D

Its all I got Dee, I can only feel good about what I do going forward. the past is a disaster, and sometimes it hurts pretty bad.
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Old 05-23-2020, 04:10 AM
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Here is how sensative I am, you tell me I'm a good guy who deserves better and that alone brings tears to my eyes. Because I honestly disagree with you. I am not a good guy, which is why I am in this situation.
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Old 05-23-2020, 04:21 AM
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here to support you
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Old 05-23-2020, 06:14 AM
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I am an absolute professional at tearing myself down. Weeks ago I picked up the local community paper out of my mailbox. Its some crap with how normal families are going through lockdown. Stories with local guys. Many even a little younger than me, with their beautiful (some) wives and their children, pictured in front of their beautiful homes in the rich neighborhoods.

I'd like to say I have my recovery together, I have all the answers all the time but I don't. Sometimes I look at how I think I should stack up to society's standards and I don't measure up. Its hard to put into words how angry and upset I can get about this.

The best thing I could do for my recovery was turn my will over to God. That's what got me sober. That's what gave me peace in recovery. The problem I run into from time to time is this depression. The depression comes after I turn my will over to God but he doesn't carry it out the way that I want him to.

So I took another hour this morning. It's cool and damp so I took some time to meditate next to an open window. There is a brook right outside packed with wildlife. Just took in the serenity of the fresh air and the birds singing. Breathing out all that fear and building back up that trust of God's will for me. I'm right where God wants me to be no matter how messed up it's looked at times.


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Old 05-23-2020, 06:30 AM
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I feel you thomas11
My life isn't where I want to be either
And of course it's all my fault

But all we can do is be better moving forward so we don't feel like this in the years to come
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Old 05-23-2020, 06:37 AM
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You ARE a good guy, Jeff.

The only way to create a better past is to create a better present, present day after present day. The present soon becomes a past, one you can look back on with pride and without regret.

With you, friend.
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Old 05-23-2020, 06:52 AM
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I read a bible verse every morning from this bible app on my phone and last night I was really temped to drink but I managed to stay sober. Anyway this morning the bible verse highlighted:

" For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it" Hebrews 12:11

I hope you find peace Thomas11, regrets are tough to move on from though crying over spilled milk never got it back in the glass. I really hope you feel better
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Old 05-23-2020, 07:00 AM
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Life expectancy for you means you got another 25 years! My dad thinks he is gonna die every day!. He is 76 now and will be alive for probably another 20 years (unfortunately he he)
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Old 05-23-2020, 07:24 AM
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Jeff, I know it's really hard to reconcile the things we did when we were drinking. It is for me, too. But, you deserve forgiveness and to forgive yourself. Try to focus on doing the right thing every day and at the end of each day go over those things in your mind. Hopefully you can fall asleep feeling good about yourself.
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Old 05-23-2020, 07:25 AM
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Those feelings are very tough to deal with Jeff. It is your AV at its most cunning and most brutal. That dirty bugger is trying to convince you that you are irredeemable so you may as well drink. Of course nobody cares about a bad guy drinking. Dirty little AV.

You are a good person Jeff. We've all done things we regret. Everyone, addict or not, sober or not, the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. Regret is universal.

You have a good 30-40 years in front of you Jeff, if you are lucky. What do you want to fill it with?

I hope you are sober this morning man.
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Old 05-23-2020, 08:06 AM
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I am not a good guy, which is why I am in this situation.
Don't confuse behavior with character. There are times that my behavior sucks but the reason I know it sucks is because my core character is good and tells me my behavior sucks at this moment.

Character is a tree. Behavior is the shadow of the tree, it is not the tree. Water and nurture the tree by doing what is in the best interest of the tree and you will be amazed as growth takes off and proliferates.

Our characters are refined and tried by fire and when we have gone through the furnace, we emerge as pure gold and silver. Edward Dunedin




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Old 05-23-2020, 08:23 AM
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I am in my early 50's and I find myself crying myself to sleep way too often

I'm in my early 60's and have been sober over 10 years, my life is good. You can do the math. Sobriety over a few years time makes a wonderful difference.

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Old 05-23-2020, 08:37 AM
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Wow, such great reading here this morning. Thanks everyone. I recently started taking antidepressants. I don't like to take medication, but I think I need it, so I'm giving it a try.
Love and hugs to you, Jeff. Everyone is right, the past is gone, time to move on. Meditation helps me, and also just 'releasing' the negative emotions as they come up.
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Old 05-23-2020, 08:38 AM
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Originally Posted by thomas11 View Post
Here is how sensative I am, you tell me I'm a good guy who deserves better and that alone brings tears to my eyes. Because I honestly disagree with you. I am not a good guy, which is why I am in this situation.
Yes you are a good guy.

Jeff.....I got sober at 50. And I felt very much like you feel now.
You can have everything (well almost) that you ever wanted.

We can't get our youth back and we can't always get back the people we hurt, but we can have a wonderful future.

You know my story.....you were with me every step.
New life, new country, and many many great things in front of me.

And I do truly believe that you can be happy again, we all can. s ❤️❤️
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Old 05-23-2020, 09:00 AM
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Jeff, you don't need to be a good guy or not a good guy in order to get sober, stay sober and make change.
the important thing is to not get stuck in "i am this and therefore i will always be this" .
don't know how you feel about AA, but that is one program designed for exactly this:" I have made a mess of my life and I have no one to blame other than me. I have broken dreams and I have broken hearts (my own being one of them) and I am ashamed of all of it. I don't know what to do."
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Old 05-23-2020, 09:34 AM
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Jeff, you say you donít know to do, what have tried?
I get it , be willing to bet Iím clinically depressed and feels like Iíve been for as long as ďIĒ can remember. I think I decided to not care about that self diagnosis and I think adopting that stance was part of my Big Plan.

My BP is so compartmentalized that it literally only has to do with permanent alcohol abstinence.

I do try and not Ďdo evilí, but I know or at least think for sure , I could do more /better for myself , but for whatever reasons I keep choosing not to.

Part of my lack of motivation is Iím not convinced what I Ďlive withí isnít just the Ďhuman conditioní but it could also be myriad other causes .

Not offering any solutions, I really donít think I have any , just adding to say , yep hear ya.
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Old 05-23-2020, 11:15 AM
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I refuse to let myself think about all my regrets and losses, because it's too huge. Maybe it's not recommended to bury feelings, but I have to do what it takes to stay sober. So when my mind starts thinking about the past I have to look at my surroundings and ground myself into the present. It really works for me. Don't be hard on yourself it's important to stay sober x
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