Hey Lulu, welcome to SR...a great place to be when dealing with this curse called alcoholism.

I used alcohol to medicate my anxiety issues for years, when it all came crashing down back in late 2014 I was in a similar place to you mentally. Couldn't sleep, felt bad physically, worried about literally everything that popped into my head.

What I will say is that going sober (and yes I've struggled a bit since that time it thankfully I've trended in the right direction) has been such a good thing for me. It takes time but is really worth it.

Hang in there and post often! :)

Cried the whole way home from work. I was going to go to an AA meeting, I showered and got ready, but found myself cleaning my place...and need to clean more tomorrow. The messy home sure does tell a story. There are 2 discussion groups tomorrow. I'll at least go to one. Feeling empty and confused....but glad I made it through the day sober. 3rd day and I feel horrible and still feeling sick. I was embarrassed to go into work today cause in my mind I thought they all knew exactly why I was out 2 days. Praying I didn't cause any serious damage to my body. I stink even though I showered. I'd like to be happy someday, it just doesn't seem possible at this moment. Unable to get into a chat room here, the Java isn't working. Frustrating...

I'm sorry about the chat roon Lulu but there's not much you or I can do about that....you do have these forums tho - and I really encourage you to use them...post as much as you need to.

D

I'm glad to hear that you are still sober. I can sympathize with much of what you are saying here. I don't want to use your thread to tell my story, but the shame, anxiety, the frustration at things not lining up perfectly, the stink of detoxing that pours out of us, and the feeling that I could never be happy again, these are all things that I put myself through too many times to count. But the important thing is, you're sober, and you're reaching out here. Every time I sobered up after a terrible and humiliating bender, I had the need to clean my house. It made me feel better somehow to clean away the nastiness in at least one part of my life. But, I'm still sober, and happiness is still out here in the world for all of us.

If the chat here isn't working, keep posting on here. Send private messages to people who responded to your thread. Go to the Smart Recovery website and register and use their chat. Do whatever you need to do to reach out to sober people, especially right now.

And of course, stay hydrated and eat healthy food to replenish what your body lost from drinking.

Great job on day three, and keep up the amazing work! I look forward to reading about your journey on here.

I'm getting too old to keep relapsing too. I especially do not want to wake up in 10 years drinking. Feeling like hell right now. It's way too late for me to be up and my head is pounding. Gonna try and sleep...

Hey Lulu.

I'd forgotten til you mentioned, but I remember feeling like everyone could smell me as well. Maybe treat yourself to some nice scented bath oils and have a lovely long bubbly soak before bed. Esp while you're struggling to sleep as it could help you to relax.

I also went on a tidy up frenzy. Partly trying to get a sense of order into a life that had become chaotic due to years and years of alcohol taking priority. (If my fridge never has to look or smell or be host to so many alien life forms again, that will be an achievement indeed - nowadays is generally fresh, clean and has edible, in-date food in there, which I then get around to eating. Simple pleasures eh!).

Thing is, looking back, the tidy up frenzy was more than that for me. It was something that I was doing to help me ignore the fear and panic that was gripping me. It took me a month of this before I finally got to my first meeting. I found myself sitting in a clean house, being rocked by the fear of facing my inner muck and mire that I had, over the years, become entrenched in. Hating myself for some of the horrible things I'd said and done, and how I'd neglected relationships and hurt others. My finances left me breathless with panic. And I was attacked side-on with waves (tsunami sized ones) of self-pity that I was ashamed of, but nevertheless they left me sobbing and completely debilitated.

I'm not sure what would have happened if I hadn't gone along to some meetings at this point. If i hasn't managed to get some hope from somewhere (meetings and this place) that I wouldn't be stuck where I was forever. That other people had experienced what I had, and felt as I had, and managed to learn to live (happily) without alcohol, and recover themselves and get free of the fear and shame and chaos. Please, do go get yourself some hope at that meeting today. And some more tomorrow. A few hours off the cleaning won't make so much difference, but a couple of hours gathering hope just might.

Hugs to you. Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

(----Quote from Berrybean - "Thing is, looking back, the tidy up frenzy was more than that for me. It was something that I was doing to help me ignore the fear and panic that was gripping me. It took me a month of this before I finally got to my first meeting. I found myself sitting in a clean house, being rocked by the fear of facing my inner muck and mire that I had, over the years, become entrenched in. Hating myself for some of the horrible things I'd said and done, and how I'd neglected relationships and hurt others. My finances left me breathless with panic. And I was attacked side-on with waves (tsunami sized ones) of self-pity that I was ashamed of, but nevertheless they left me sobbing and completely debilitated.")


BB - I could relate to everything you wrote....everything, and it sounded just like my situation and thoughts. Just trying to muster up some motivation to run my errands and get out. I feel stuck sitting in this chair, can't move and crying. I guess I'm just really disappointed in how I took my life on a path of destruction. I'm glad I didn't drink last night.....because today I would be drinking to rid the hangover. Over and over and over again. Thanks for the post. It helps....

Hang in there Lulu

Hang in thereLulu! You are not alone in this.

Rooting for you, LLB.

Got a "wake-up" call today and received the results from my blood test from the day I quit drinking and showed high liver bilirubin. Spent the day researching foods. Going back in 6 months for follow up blood test. Day 4 today...and will be sober for that next blood test. Pathetic what I have done.

Not pathetic. None of us would have chosen this route, but one thing I know for sure, is that pathetic isn't the case. Congratulations on being sober. It will get better. The first week or so really stinks, but this really does have to be the last time you ever feel like that. Remember to be kind to yourself, and you will definitely make it to that next 6 month appointment sober, and see things in a whole different light.

Congrats on day 4 Lulu. Use this wake up call as a lifeline to getting yourself healthy again. I was diagnosed with fatty liver back in 2007 and spent the next 7 years drinking my life away. What a waste, get sober and stay sober. I promise you won't regret that decision. It takes a ton of work and dedication, each and every day. But with that dedication, you reclaim your life, your control, your strength. Get you back, it's within your grasp. Lean on this community as much as you need. SR is a great resource, and the only place that has helped keep me sober.

You can do this!

Hi Lulu,

Welcome to SR, and congrats on getting past those first few days. I'm glad you saw your doctor, and have a follow up appointment in six months.

This website helped me to get sober after many years of trying to moderate, and failing miserably.

Hope you are starting to feel a little better. Keep posting!

Day 5 morning time. I still have that nasty odor emanating from my system, skin, breath. I would love to "get me back", but not sure what that means to me since I've been drinking for so long....and yes to reclaiming my life, control, and strength. I honestly feel as if I'm the biggest let down and I have not accomplished all the things I said I would when I was intoxicated. Some real good BS spewed out of my mouth after a few drinks. And the lies....feeling horrible about the last lie I told it hurts. I look at everyone at my work as true-blue honest people and I am a psycho liar. With a clear head, I don't think I would have ever lied like that...I was drunk and wanted to leave the office, so I made up a really bad lie. IDK why! AA is not for me, so I am trying to find a secular meeting close to home. Thanks everyone for the posts.

Great job on day 5

https://www.meetup.com/SmartRecoveryAustin/

It's 3pm and all of a sudden I feel as if I am going to throw up. Feeling sick and just want to lay down. Maybe I ate too much yesterday trying to get nourishment. Getting a headache too. I'm starting to really panic that my liver is really damaged.

This is the first day I've been at work sober in a long time. I'm just holding on for now and trying to focus on having some integrity in my job. No drinks tonight and going to bed. Need to think about Easter, my friend invited me over and she can't stop drinking wine...

Good luck Lulu

Gah. Just wrote a big long reply and pressed the wrong button and lost it all and now no time to retype it all.

I'm really please my experience was useful. One of the AA Promises (the one I thought could never come true for me) is that we will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. You know, it's a privilege to be able to offer support to people who are newly sober, both here and at AA, and so in that respect that promise has come true.

Another way it's come true is that I feel grateful for so much that normies may well take for granted . Like being sober for today. A clean fridge and the ability to keep my bank account within agreed overdraft limits. Being able to wake up without hangovers. Not being scared about what I said or did last night. Being able to open my Facebook or ebay account without worrying what I'd said on there the night before, or in the case of eBay what I'd bid on or bought (boy, I did keep the postal service busy back then). For my renewed faith. For my friends. For the relationship I now have with my mum. And this is all from just 3 years sober. Not long considering the decades I'd spent trashing my life and my relationships.

But I didn't get here by just staying sober. I got here, and stay here, by working on my recovery. And that is something I can't afford to forget or take for granted. Because the good stuff normies can do without thinking about it, I need to work at. But I'll carry on working it. It's worth it, and so am I. And so are you!

Take care. BB x

A week being sober...and after the 2-days from hell alcohol poisoning, being at work sober is nice. I get a lot done. Just got a call today from another company that wants to talk to me about a job with them. I never did like drinking and I shake my head as to why I kept it up day-after-day getting worse and worse progressing to the hard booze. But, it's that first drink that sucker punches you right into the grip of the addiction. I'm so glad I got sick last week....I wouldn't be sober right now. Thanks to SR too...talking about it, even if only a few listen, helps.

Last week today I thought I was on my death bed....I laid in bed all day, couldn't move or drive myself to urgent care until the next day where they gave me 2 large IV's - I was so dehydrated. I never want to go back to that day. Blood pressure has gone down a bit. Work is very busy and not sure I would still be employed if I kept it up. I wish I could log into the chat room here but Java isn't working on Chrome or Safari (MacBook Pro - if anyone has any ideas on this). My body is tired and I will start a workout routine soon....just right now I am weak.

Trying to sleep and can't....

I feel good today.

You're doing great Lulu! You've got this. :)

Another good day. Company gave us the day off... running errands and getting all my overdue filing in order at home (who files when drunk?) I'm finally going to get my car tested so I can get it registered in TX - I think it's "only" been 16 months since moving. SMH

Lol. You're on fire Lulu!!!

You go girl x

Very proud of you, LuLu. :)

You are doing fantastic LuLu....I'm rooting for you!!!

Doing great, LuLu!!!