Shame
 

Trying to start new once again, and I feel ashamed I haven't been strong enough before. I began another lifestyle change two weeks ago. I cut back drastically on the drinking....the amount of days, not the amount I drank in one sitting. That has actually been going well, but let's get real. It isn't going to work. If it did, I wouldn't have a problem. So I figured while I am on this roll of trying to become healthier (even with my eating habits), I may as well give it another shot and jump on the wagon. This 3 day weekend did not help things and was ANOTHER eye opener for me. That I have just got to quit all together. I am seeing a counselor now and have planned on seeing even more doctors for my physical health. Supposed to get a phone call back from one tomorrow.
I have now mentioned to my husband that I would like to get healthier and cut back. I don't think he completely understands though, as he has bought me alcohol since telling him that. He did it thinking...well she likes to drink. He wasn't thinking of it as hurting me.
I feel like everything is falling apart at the moment and the only way to even begin to put everything back together is to first get myself better. I know my triggers and am going to battle with those. Nights before an off day are REALLY hard for me to resist.
I do need some accountability so I will most likely be checking in here a lot more than I have in the past.
I want my old life back. I want to be thin again. I want to have energy again. I want to be happy again. So...here's to yet ANOTHER fresh start.

Welcome back! It took me a while to get sobriety right as well. I have just over 8 months and reading and posting on SR has been my biggest support. I planned out every moment of the time I would normally drink the first few weeks.

You should join the September class, having others at the same point in their recovery journey is really helpful.

You can do this, and I promise it gets easier.

Hi Powerflower .

I agree, cutting back isn't going to work!

There are many people here who can relate to you.

Give it a go, congratulations on having a fresh healthy start!

Hi, PowerFlower.

My therapist once told me that a grown up person shouldn't feel shame - because shame stems from fear to be punished. That was something that took me quite a time to grasp.

Since then I started questioning myself - what I am afraid to be punished for? Do I really regret what I've done or was it a mistake made by me in the process of learning how to go through life? Am I afraid that people wouldn't approve of my actions and will despise me? Do I care? Maybe I care too much?

I used to want my old life back too. Now I don't want anything old - better focus on building a new life worth living - without shame and regrets.

Best wishes to you.

Thanks for posting this. I'm going to try to remember these when I'm beating myself up about something.

Midnightblue, that's an interesting thought. I guess in a sense I am worried about getting in trouble, being looked at as a failure, a bad person. I don't think I'm in the best light of my husband and I surely want to be better for my kids. I'm very disappointed in myself for not being stronger, for using excuses, and for feeding into the demise of my own body.
There are many health problems I'm having and I really think alcohol is the cause of 90% of them. I feel shame because even thinking this, I still drank. I am better and smarter than that. I'm hoping the counselor can help a good bit because I'm going to have to figure out another coping method rather than feeding the demon this liquid evil that keeps me down.

PowerFlower, mechanism of addiction is more complicated than it's usually perceived. It involves basic, ancient areas of the brain which can't be influenced directly by willpower and intelligence. And beating yourself up surely doesn't help.

It's challenging to find that balance between being productively compassionate (that's the best term I can come up with) and sticking to discipline which helps to build better habits and eventually, life. Discipline of not listening to what's considered "normal" and discipline of standing to your values. Being open to admit that , probably, lots of things I believed in and used as foundation for my life, were wrong.

There are a lot of tools for sobriety. Shame is not one of them. "Shaming yourself" to point of pain so strong that it will give you a magic wake up call is delusion at best.

Keep posting. If there's' magic wand about sobriety - SR is surely a great candidate for this post.

Stick to us.

Powerflower, this is a tough disease to beat if you have diagnosed yourself having it. I have been reading a lot of posts the last week and what is a major commonality is how we suffer, really suffer a literal hell, if still in active addiction. I have deep empathy for all of us that suffers.

Hang in there.

Hi PowerFlower have you got a plan ?

You can do it. My wife was similar. She would always buy me some alcohol on her way home. It took years to get her to understand. Not sure if she does completely. I made her watch richard burton on the dick cavett show. He gives so much insight into alcoholism in just 5 minutes. It helped her understand my struggle. Anyway go forward. You can do it.

^^^This. What's the plan?

You have seen- you truly KNOW- that moderation doesn't work. IMO, it is a fool's errand for, oh, everyone - once you start thinking these kind of thoughts (changing when, where, how, what kind, with whom, just this amount, etc etc ad nauseum) you're in....alcoholic territory to say the least.

Now sounds like a time to start getting honest, and accepting your situation- including with your husband and you can do this with support! Now sounds like (wait for it, my ever used comment)....a perfect time for AA..

Shame is one of the natural emotions for us alcoholics to feel. We have to learn to deal with it- you will truly do it as you recover (in AA, for example, you work through steps 4 and 5, acknowledging your resentments, fears, bad doings, etc, and admitting them to another) - in the beginning, not drinking and following a plan of action is what you do. The biggies like shame can't be allowed to be a hindrance in getting started - and you put them "aside" to truly accept and release as you grow in your sobriety. Not easy; entirely possible. You can come to put this feeling and others- guilt, regret, sorrow just to name a few- in a "compartment" of sorts so you can move forward.

Life is so much better on the sober side. From no booze calories or bad eating choices to...everything else.

You can do it. Good luck!

Hi powerflower :)

For me everything got better once I quit for good - not right away...I'd been a drinker for years - but inevitably :)

With a little distance I was able to see I was not a bad person... and rather than being weak, I was actually a very strong person...I was just addicted.

Shame is just another way to burn off energy that we really need to pout towards getting better.

We can't do anything about yesterday but there's a lot we can do with today. The worst reputations can be rescued by a little 'living right' :)

I was actually using my strength against myself to pursue a dream - against all hope and reason - of drinking 'normally'.

Once I gave up that dream, and took drinking off the table as a viable option, I started getting better.

If you're self medicating with alcohol to cope with things in your life, there are other ways of coping.

There's a lot of links within this link but I hope some will help:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...f-respite.html

This is a great read too. It's about making a recovery plan to suit your needs :)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

I thinking you're making a great decision Powerflower- you'll find a lot of support and advice here :)

D

Power flower, you are making a great choice. I do hope you plan to stop drinking completely, rather than cut down. Moderating/cutting down can be most demoralizing for us alcoholics, because we just can't do it. And, it takes so much energy. Stopping is really the best thing to do.

It sounds like you are ready to do this!

Thank you for all of the advice, I truly appreciate it.
Today was actually not a struggle for me with drinking. Well, that's only because I am sick. And not sick from withdrawal, but sick with an illness that was passed around the family. I have felt so crappy all day and it has gotten worse tonight.
I have seriously struggled with the idea of never having another drink...it was scary. I would give myself a goal like, I will not drink all week and/or only on this day. Even on the rare occasion I did follow through, I would always drink way too much on the "treat" day. And let's face it, if that worked, I wouldn't be here.
There is just no way I can continue with what I am doing. My body can no longer take it. My mind cannot take it. And I don't think my family deserves to have me in this state. This new path is scary, but I really want it to work. I will be here probably a LOT more than I have ever been in the past. And I will be reading the suggested articles. Once again, thank you.

Getting sober is the best thing I've ever done for myself. :) My life is so much better and I wake up feeling good and ready for the day. :)

Hi - thanks for your post. Im coming up on six months sober, and I still wrestle with shame but there have been moments and days just throughout the six months that I can say Im very proud of :)

Shame is tricky, and is a powerful tool your addiction can use to keep you stuck because it feeds the desire to self destruct.

I have shared this before and maybe it is silly, but I saw an ad for Whole Foods (American grocery store) which said "treat your body like someone you love". This resonates with me deeply - you would never wish blackouts, confusion and sickness on someone you love! So, I am trying bit by bit to show my body love and respect by making a choice each day to remain sober.

Yes that's a good way of looking at it...loving your body. I'm thinking getting sick may have been, in a weird way, a blessing for me. Wednesday nights I always drink...always. It's a trigger day for me. I worried about getting through it as my 3rd day. Being sick has helped me do that. Running a fever and all...no way I wanted to drink. I've been in bed most of the day.
I'm so glad I got through this night without a drink. I drank water. I feel really good about this at the moment.
Another trigger day is Saturday. However, I have plans that are going to completely throw off my routine...which will also be a great thing for me. Seems prayers are working and I'm feeling positive. I feel like if I can get through the first week, it will be a bit easier for me.

Madgirl said:
Shame is tricky, and is a powerful tool your addiction can use to keep you stuck because it feeds the desire to self destruct.

This is so true. I felt A LOT of shame while I was still drinking, and for quite a while after I stopped. It still pops up now and then. While I was still drinking, the shame was so bad that I drank to forget it for a while. Of course, that only brought on more shame. A downward spiral.

With the help of treatment and AA, I'm learning to see the things I did while drinking in a different light. Would I have been that way sober? NO, absolutely not. That's not me. That was the booze and addiction. Do I have things to apologize for? YES, and I'm doing that in the form of amends to people I hurt with my actions and behavior. Feeling shame is not productive. Forgiving yourself and apologizing IS productive. Be gentle with yourself. I'm sure deep down, you know you're a good person. It sure sounds to me like you are, and you lost your true self somewhere along the way. As you build up sober time, you will begin to find yourself again. And being yourself and living a sober life is one of the best amends you can make to the people who care about you and you may have hurt.

A suggestion -
If weekends are hard for you, join this thread - a new one starts every Thursday morning, in order to support people in getting through weekends sober.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html

Another good quote: "If you wouldn't SAY it to a friend, don't say it to yourself." - Jane Travis

Our inner voice and how we talk to ourselves is such an important thing to change where we need to and learn how to "talk" better so we will live better.