I'm back from the fair! Still sober! My son had a great time!! I won him a stuffed animal that's supposed to be bacon! :) It was amazing to see how many people had alcohol in their hand. I felt bad for them because it was so hot and I'm sure a lot of them won't feel good in the morning. I actually ended up holding alcohol twice. One was the sangria, and the second was his beer when he wanted to sit in a new car that they were showing in the toyota tent. I should have said something after the first time but I thought about it and didn't want my ex husband to know just holding it would cause issues for me. I stared at both for a while but knew I wouldn't, couldn't do it. Those were the only two he drank and he said later he shouldn't have drank them because he got tired from them pretty fast. My ex and I got along wonderfully and my son was happy to have both of us there. It was a great time! :) I'll try to figure out how to post pictures here tomorrow but for now, I am exhausted! Fitbit clocks me in at right under 12,000 steps today and that's something I'm not quite used to. Sleep should be awesome tonight!! :)

I had a great nights sleep last night. Now, I can focus on something that I did last night. I want to be honest. No, I did not drink a drop but when my ex husband handed me the second drink, a beer I put it up to my nose to smell it. :( I just wanted to remember what it smelled like, Beer was usually my go to drink and there were moments that I thought I wished I could be like so many others and drink and not have that urge to keep drinking. I did not immediately want a beer after smelling it, it was a familiar smell but I didn't drink and today I don't want to have one. It wouldn't matter if the old AV was screaming at me, I won't drink. So, that's it. I'm disappointed with myself for doing that but at least I didn't drink anything.

Sorry for so many posts in this thread lately.

Having a bad craving right now. So, I'm just on here because cravings don't usually last too long, well the intense part anyway. The feeling of loneliness is really setting in now. No one here. My son, Alex is with his dad. The thought is drinking is here. I don't know if I'm strong enough to last not drinking 5 months on Monday. My son won't have a mom who still drinks, that's the thing to remember. Why do I have to want something so destructive and harmful? Why couldn't couldn't I be into a hobby or be passionate about something. I'm not really good at anything. Well, as I'm writing this the feeling of wanting alcohol has diminished but what do I do now? Is this going to be my life from now on? Fighting cravings and dealing with loneliness? I think I'm just going to shut the computer down for now. It's way too hot to take a walk outside but I'll clean and watch Netflix again. Could go to an AA meeting but I wouldn't be in the best mind set for it now. I'm just tired of this. Sorry, again.

Hi Angie, hang in there!! You can get through this. Last night I was in a horrible place; I had all of the HALT symptoms working against me, with loneliness being the strongest. But I didn't drink because I knew it wouldn't make the situation any better. And I'm okay today.

You may be feeling extra lonely due to the "come down" from your great time at the Fair yesterday. I know the feeling will pass. You have incredible strength to have stayed sober over the last five months (tomorrow!).

Also, don't feel upset about smelling the beer. As you said, you had no intention of drinking it, you were just curious. Curiosity is okay. I've taken a whiff of bourban/other alcohol since I quit just to see what it smells like but had no intention of drinking it. Please don't beat yourself up about it - the AV feeds on self-doubt and guilt.

Sending good thoughts your way! And PS I'm glad you had a great time at the Fair :)

Angie - When your down and lonely and craving alcohol is a perfect time to go to an AA meeting. Recovery can replace loneliness and self doubt.

I found that my cravings subsided as I focused on recovery - acceptance, realistic expectations, gratitude, and vulnerability.

Very few of us would stay sober if it meant loneliness and craving. Ang :)

If phase one of recovery is not drinking, I think phase too - building a life we're happy in - is just as important.

What kinds of things do you have an interest in? what kind of hoobies would you like to pursue or pick back up again?

are the groups in your community to join, or volunteer your time to?

There's no reason to sit at home counting down the hours til your son gets back - I know you miss him but why not think of this time as 'your time'?

do something with it - keep occupied - feel happy :)

D

Thank you so much SwimKim and Gleefan. :) I went and picked up a pizza and a diet coke instead of beer.

I seriously thought about going to AA but even though I desire to meet people and possibly make friends there is also the other side of me that is scared to be close to anyone. Maybe there is that part of me that is afraid when people are nice to me and show support. No friend I've ever been close to has truly wanted nothing but a friendship. Most of them wanted money and I'm not in a position anymore to bribe people to be my friend. I've got to get it together before I pick up my son in the morning. This isn't what he needs. I've been listening to Johnny Cash singing Hurt and George Jones singing Choices on rotation for a while now.

I think maybe I need to call my doctor next week and talk about medication because this isn't working anymore. No matter what I think about myself, there's a sweet boy who deserves the best mom that I can be.

Angie I really feel for you. Loneliness is so painful. It's what drove me to AA meetings and for the hour I'm in there the pain does subside. I try to talk to one person after each meeting but it is a little awkward sometimes.
Everyone is there to heal, though, so don't be scared of getting judged or used. And it's true, you can show up in any old crappy mood and people will understand.

Angie - there are definitely some 'real' people around.

The more I made the life I wanted the more I attracted the kind of people I wanted to be in it :)

don't lose hope :)

D

This is so important.

Dee has a way of showing up with the right advice at just the right time.

You've got this Ang.

LOL phase *two :)

D

How was today?

Hi all. Thank you all so much for the advice and everything! :). I had three things happen to me and I was already planning a drink. My car stopped in the middle of the road while I was on my way to pick up my son. The second is a health issue that kinda scared me but I can't do anything about it except make a doctors appointment, it's a female issue and I think it would be TMI to go into. The third thing is that I had my laptop on my desk and a cup of juice that spilled when Elvis jumped on the laptop. I have turned it off, tried to dry it as well as I can and we will hope it works because it wasn't right afterwards. I'm on the app now. My ex picked up my son and I was planning on drinking. Oh yes was going to drink. However I had a big cry and I'm drinking a diet Mountain Dew. In something that boggles my mind, my son told his dad about the computer and my ex called and offered to buy us a similar one if I don't get it going. The man owes me about 10K so I will take him up on it. I'll say yes to someone helping me but I won't drink around the laptop again. I'm upset because I might have lost a lot of pictures that I uploaded and the idea makes me want to drink but I won't. The car started back up but I will have to take it in asap. The idea of the cost to repair it makes me want to drink but I'm not going to. My health, well drinking will only make my health worse. So I'm all teary and feel like I'm going to scream but it could be so much worse. No drinking for me. Yes, to a mild headache medicine but no to drinking alcohol.

It might cost a little but there are places that can get stuff off discs if you can't Angie.

I'm really glad you're staying sober :)

D

Angie, I am so proud of you for staying sober. I hope that everything works out okay. Hang in there! Sending lots of positive thoughts your way :)

Well done for keeping strong, Ang! It's hard when stuff stacks up like that....

Your amazing angie

Thank you everyone!!! I am so grateful for your kindness!! I've made a doctors appointment but it's two weeks from now but at least I have an appointment. My laptop is back working!! I started it back up today after work and it's working great. Elvis and I had a talk about I was not going to have juice around it anymore but he didn't need to jump on it, lol. He just looked at me and flounced down in his bed, haha. I'm getting the car looked at next week for an estimate. Got things in motion! Things like this used to scare me and I am nervous about money but not handling the situations. My ex said he would help me out with the costs of the car since he didn't need to buy a new laptop. I just wish I didn't have to have help with money and could handle things on my own. Yes, he owes me a lot of money though. I work full time and I'm looking into higher paying jobs. It takes one paycheck and a little of the next one just for rent and this place ain't all that. It's all good right now though. I'm so relieved to still be sober. Was so incredibly stressed and felt like I was having a panic attack but I didn't drink. This is possible to never drink again. I never thought I could really do it long term but I can. Just have to keep it one day at a time and keep coming here. Work on other issues and just keep on finding other ways to handle stress. Keep working on being the best mom to that sweet little boy and I finally am respecting myself as a mom. I cannot tell you how awesome that feels, it's the best feeling in the world. It's utter joy. :) Sobriety rocks. Thank you again. I'm so grateful to have found SR and all of you!

Angie, you rock!

Glad things are looking up Angie :)

D