Checking in at 4+ months.
 

I figured a little update to my progress was in order.

I've heard people say that life still carries on after you get sober and how you handle it is what affects the quality of a newly sober life. I am starting to get to a point where I am learning to handle life curveballs and negative situations without rushing out and needing to drink/use.

Recently my former wife has started dating somebody else and at first it didn't bother me because I am not in love with her anymore. We have been separated for 6+months, but things were definitely not working for at least a year prior to that. How I dealt with a miserable marriage was to drink/use. Now I do not have that option anymore because it is too destructive. I have been noticing a crucial point rising up in me that has caused me to drink before. It is the negative feelings of anger, sadness, and discomfort that I used to escape from by drinking. Now I have to find new ways to navigate these emotions without the instant escape from them by using.

What I am doing different this time around is, therapy, SR, exercise, and group counselling for depression and anxiety. This is actually working. I spoke about this recent "development" in my separation and divorce at group this morning, and therapy after that, and I must say, some of the pressure is alleviated! This is the first time in recent memory where I did not relapse to escape the pressure. I also decided to post here for this very reason. To speak about it and take some of the power out of the craving.

As far as dating goes, I just don't feel ready yet. I mulled over the idea of dating somebody just to help me forget the grief I am experiencing, but that would not be fair to them. I would just be using them in the same way I use substances to escape and fill the void.

I learned the 10-90 equation today. Basically life is 10% what happens to us, and 90% how we deal with it. So if I apply this to my situation, the 10% being yeah my wife is moving on with somebody and it bothers me, what can I do for the 90% on my part where I react to it? I know for certain a relapse would be the stupidest thing I could possibly do, and my little AV is trying to nudge me and say "just let off some steam, have a little drink". I am just hitting the ignore button on my AV though because I have been conned one to many times. I just want time to pass and for myself to heal.

Thank you for listening.

Justin

Justin, it sounds like you're doing really well. Congratulations!

Justin, congratulations on four sober months.

Your post is full of insight, growth, and perspective. You have accomplished so much in your four months.

Justin, you've got it go in' on!! You GET it! So very proud of you and much continued success!

Thank you you 3! My strongest craving yet and I made it through sober!

4 Months is fantastic!! :You_Rock_

Justin, great post! Congratulations on 4 months.

It's hard when your partner moves on, even if it wasn't working out and you know the ending was for the best. It's ok to mourn that. I've been there myself. I also think it shows a lot of insight to not start dating now. There's no rush.

Awesome. Thanks.

Justin - sounds like you're doing great. Keep it up

Awesome news Justin well done on 4 months that is exellent

Congrats friend

Congrats on your 4+ months Justin - sounds like you're dealing with those curveballs.

Congrats on not getting into revenge dating either. Take your time.

Spend a little time with yourself and I guarantee you thank yourself for it later, when you are ready to date :)

D

Was wondering where you were. Glad you checked in and are doing good. Keep it up!!!

Congrats on 4+ months Justincredible!! That is awesome!! Keep up the great work!

Fantastic job on 4+ months! Keep on going!

way to go Justin... you are definitely doing something right.

Great post , nice going

Congrats on 4 months man! I enjoyed reading that post. Life does continue on whether we're getting plastered at 9AM or not.

I love that 90% 10% equation. That's brilliant and congratulations!

Justin....

I think you're making remarkable progress at 4 months..... those rising up emotions are the stuff of our heart, our wounds, our stifled soul cries.

It's important not to try and run from them or evade them or stuff them back into the boxes and crannies from whence they came.

These human emotions are in fact, part of Being Human. Allowing them space to come forth, providing a safe environment like therapy, group counseling, places to be seen and heard - these are vital steps to coming into balance and being at peace with them.

You're on the right track, congratulations and thank you for sharing. Keep it up!!! It gets better.

:ring

Hello:

You are just incredible!!!

I have followed your progress and I am proud of you. You sound mature and level headed. So happy that you are getting past all hurdles and have kept your eye on the prize.
Lets keep going!!!

Congratulations Justin! That's a great post. Your doing great!

Congrats, Justin! I really enjoyed reading this post. Way to go, all of it! :c014:

Sometimes my AV aka The Beast is so loud, impossible to ignore, I have to get loud back. "No you whiny little brat you will not be getting a drink today. Thank you for sharing Beast, now run along and leave the grown-up to make the decisions around here" lol

:skillet:a043::a049:

Hi Justin -

Wow, what growth in 4 months!

The investment your making in getting to know your sober self know means you'll be ready when the right relationship crosses your path.

Thanks for sharing!

You guys and gals are way too amazing! Thank you for all the kind responses :) I consider myself lucky to be amongst so many people with such great insight and experience.

In relation to the dating thing, I signed up for an online dating thing just to check it out and I and am finding it is a bit too much right now. It felt so desperate and forced putting myself out there like that, maybe I just need to get used to it. Already experienced my first creepy proposition, it was shocking. I honestly didn't think there were perverted girls out there like that! Makes me think this whole dating thing is going to be interesting, I've been out of the loop for so long. I figured signing up would be a healthier distraction from my obvious heartache over my ex. It was but still a physical relationship is something I don't think I am interested in, maybe an online one just to chat, I dunno. I'm confused but guarding my sobriety is top priority. This might not make sense, but I am writing just to kind of figure things out here.

Thank you!

Congrats on four months sober!! :scoregood

Justin, if you feel that you are not ready for dating, then don't do it. It's really not worth it to risk sobriety. I've met lots of great people online, many I've never seen IRL, and yet I've had amazing interactions with a few of them. I sometimes did not find these much less involving (and taxing) emotionally than 3D life relationships though, it can get pretty intense, sometimes even more because it allows fantasies to flow freely without much reality check, at least in my experiences. But maybe that's my fault at least partially :)

I would suggest that you put your safety first for a while, whatever that means to you, and continue doing the great work that you have been doing in your recovery so far.

haennie,

I re-read my posts and just realized, in one sentence I am said it didn't really bother me that my ex was dating, but then I turn around and talk about the obvious heartache! Also, I have clearly stated that I am not ready to date yet I dipped my toes in an online dating venture. Funny how I can say one thing and do the other. I think you are correct and I really appreciate your honesty. I am still relatively new in sobriety, and am fragile. I just wish I could get over this nagging feeling of jealousy. I only found out about my ex the day before yesterday, and even though I thought I was over it it still hurts. I can just give it more time and work on myself, I know deep down that it will be the most rewarding option to explore. I guess even an online relationship could bring in more feelings, rejection, confusion that could distract me from my primary goal. I was indulging in the thoughts of having to confirm that I am still desirable now that I am truly single. I have a gut feeling, a knowing that I am, but still doubts creep in.

I'm so thankful for this place where I can come to bounce my ideas off of other people with more experience so they can help me to filter out and discard thoughts that might be just a distraction. I know I gotta stay the course and it will get better. Back to the 10% thing, I gotta look at that being that yeah this is a major event in my life and its 90% up to me how I navigate it, and most importantly keep my sobriety.

My temp therapist told me to write, so I am writing here and it is actually helping. I have to go through the grieving process, I just thought I was through it, but more was revealed and more will be. I feel strong.

Your feelings and what you perceive as confusion are totally normal, I think. Not even just for early sobriety, but in life in general. We all are walking contradictions, I think that makes humans interesting :) Well, one interesting thing. I do get your feeling disturbed about these irrational and contradictory feelings though, I often have the same, because typically I tend to strive for order and consistency. But emotions just don't work that way... I also completely understand if you feel uneasy about the jealousy. That's a big issue for me as well sometimes... normally I don't tend to experience jealousy often, and even then typically not intensely -- the idea of people wanting to "own"each-other always makes me cringe, I know it's a natural feeling but, for me, it is in direct opposition with some features that are central and very dominant in my value system, which is personal freedom. So when I do feel jealous, I tend to really struggle with it and tend to hide it because I don't want to behave inconsistently with those things that I always preach. But then I'm conflicted again, because honesty is also something I feel very strongly about in general. It can get complicated.

If you are in therapy, I would think that's the best place to bring up and discuss these feelings! If you are inclined to write, I agree it can be very useful and therapeutic. And if you do it here, you may help a lot of other people with sharing your experiences and insights. Writing was also recommended to me by my former therapist in the beginning, and I decided to actually journal about the therapy process itself, and lots of stuff related to it. I have a tendency that I often have delayed emotional reactions... so I am not always able to fully reflect on whatever is discussed in therapy, right in the moment. I go home and write tons of stuff as they come up, associations, more intellectual/philosophical analyses related to all of it, whatever. And share all that stuff with therapist. My first one even used some of what came from me in his teaching, apparently; I was very happy to learn that. I have a new therapist now... about two months in... and this is a whole different experience and relationship, also more intense as I go 3 times a week instead of once previously. If you are looking for "distraction" that you can also infuse with your emotions, I find the therapy thing a great way to do that, and it's much more because the information gathered is actually extremely useful and beneficial. I'm so immersed in this right now that I don't even have emotional capacity left for an intimate relationship at the moment. It's something I've always wanted to experience and use it for my benefit, so I'm quite stoked. It also gets confusing at times, but it's part of the process :)

I agree that our quality of life depends more on how we subjectively experience and handle it rather than the actual events. Perhaps this is true more for those of us who tend to be quite introspective and reflective, and you definitely strike my as someone like that, so I think the approach will work for you well.

As for the feelings about your ex: they will pass. I actually would not recommend using dating now as distraction or substitute, because it may not become a "real" relationship, more your projected feelings on someone new who might not even have a clue and you might also "wake up" one day feeling that you don't truly want the whole thing. Again, take it to your therapy if you can, if you are working with someone very good, it might become a pretty unique and very helpful experience.

Congratulations on 4 months!

haennie,

I had a complete delayed emotional response with the news from my ex. I was totally cool with it then slowly as the day went on I became irritated, got the craving, got through it, and it is slowly getting better. Actually today so far is pretty good. :) I also am pretty collected when it comes to intense emotions, at least I appear that way. Jealousy is one thing I thought I had a real handle on, and to admit it even in text in regards to this situation was actually difficult for me! I am usually very aware of possible jealousy in me and never allow myself to indulge in it. But I guess its another feeling that I have to allow to process and pass.

Instead of "waking up" one day in a relationship I am not really into, I would rather experience it during therapy. I am looking forward to my upcoming appt that I have with a dedicated therapist. I am going to take this energy into it, and really go in with the aim of self discovery and self growth. I think of it as an investment that could be really interesting and informative.

After reading, talking, and digesting this great advice I feel almost back at a baseline to where I was before. Moving along in a good way through sobriety. Almost. Still work to do, but I really thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your advice is valuable beyond measure, really. I will be the first to by your book when it comes out ;)