Been away for a bit...
 

I've kinda cocooned myself away while I've struggled off and on with my addiction. I've gone back and forth between periods of sobriety and periods of drinking and I can't take it anymore. I've been back to my doctor several times, once put on Ativan, which did nothing, and now on Librium again. But now, I'm taking a different approach - one which has been recommended numerous times here but I have avoided like the plague.

I have renegotiated my child custody schedule so that I can once again attend the one AA meeting I've found where I felt like I belonged. I go to the first one Tuesday night and I plan to join and ask for a sponsor. This madness has got to stop!! Clearly, what I've been doing is not working. I need help from others.

It's my nature to steal away and be a loner, doing as I will and living in secrecy. Therein lies the problem. I need to be seen. I need to be heard. I need to be held accountable. I have been seeing a counselor for about a month now. She doesn't even like AA but is encouraging me to go because she believes it is what I need. At this point, I'm willing to try just about anything.

So.... there's my update.

Welcome back & good for you for taking some very necessary steps! I believe in you...

One step at a time. You can do this.

Good to see you again. Yeah go for that dreaded "different approach" :)
Let us know how it goes.

It's the boredom that gets me. The damned boredom! That's why my counselor gives me "assignments" to complete before our next visits. I hit this point where I say, "OK, so I'm sober....Now what?" Then the anxiety creeps back in.

I've been on 4 different AD meds: Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Celexa, and now Cymbalta. All of them have either made me even more anxious, dead tired all day long, or cause sexual side effects that are worse than the anxiety. So I turn to the old standby....booze. Of course, we all know booze either works or it doesn't when it comes to anxiety. Often, it makes it worse than ever. Very volatile drug, alcohol. Makes a mess of the brain and does even more damage to the rest of the body.

I think the problem lies deeper. I think it's in my heart and my soul. I think I'm only trying to patch up a superficial wound, but it's infected and I'm not getting at the infection at all. It just keeps spreading and growing deeper.

Has the new counselor tried to help you with all that "boredom" problems, and/or what you describe as "I think it's in my heart and my soul"?

Glad you are back, amigo.

AA has certainly kept me from dying an alcoholic death (so far, at least).

Glad you are back!

AA helped and saved so many, glad you are giving it a shot without any pre-conception.

It doesn't matter what program you use, if the shoe fits, go for it!

Your soul will heal itself when you get off the alcohol and seek to heal it.

good to see you GetMeOut - welcome back :)

D

Welcome bk

Welcome back,GetMeOut; glad to hear that you are taking positive steps to treat your alcoholism.

Her recommendation has been to find a church community, but being an agnostic, that's going to be a challenge. I understand where she's coming from, as AA is fairly religious (or spiritually) based itself, but I think she would be pleased to see that I was doing anything to heal my heart and soul. She's very open-minded that way. She is pushing very much so in the direction of getting me back into playing my keyboard and composing music. She asks me about that every time we meet.

Glad you're back :)

You have no idea how long I avoided coming back here as "one of those." Another one who fell off the wagon, or jumped off the wagon as I don't believe there is any falling involved at all. I used to get so frustrated reading those posts, yet here I am... one of "them." Addiction is really treacherous, isn't it? Our minds can talk us into just about anything if we're not constantly on guard. That's where I want to be, and I think I need help staying on guard. I'm not accustomed to asking for it and that's the part that has to change.

Welcome back Getmeout. Good plan on altering your approach. Accountability always helps me as well.

Stay strong.

the only thing i did for the first 2 years was get to aa meetings, the reason i went to so many is because i was alone in my flat and i had no one, so being around people was a huge thing, the benefit of it was i learned so much from those people

i learned that i will spend my time alone in isolation rather than put in the effort to go out and face things or people or go to meetings i will find any excuse just so i can stay in my comfort zone of isolation

once i understood that much about me then i came to see my head is my own worse enemy or not so much my head but how i would feel
i would sit and wait till i felt like doing something rather than just go and do it

if i didnt feel i wanted to do it then i simpley wouldnt do it

then i would wonder why i wasnt getting any better or growing at all

its hard work in the early days trying to learn how to start doing things etc

i dont know if you have a just for today card ? if so have a read of it everday and follow some of the just for today suggestions.

good luck to you

It's really good to have you back with us GMO. I couldn't take it anymore either - it was so good to get free of it. You can do this.

GMO! Bro, so glad you're back!

Does it not seem insane to anyone else that something so destructive and deadly is so readily available in our society? I was sitting in this woman's car after a date this past Saturday night and we started discussing alcoholism. Directly across the street there was a convenience store/gas station. I said, "I could go straight across the street to that store and buy enough alcohol to kill myself tonight." First, she agreed that that much was true, but then said, "Please don't do that." I didn't.

At least you had a date :) That's more then I got lol

I'm glad you are back, I was beginning to think it was me lol

but the thing is alcohol is not deadly or destructive to many many people, i used to think they should ban booze because of its impact it has on people but most people can drink normally and social

its me that has the problem with the booze not them so why should they be robbed of something that does them no harm ?

like i said its me and me only that has the problem with booze

True enough, but for someone like me, there is indeed enough alcohol out there to kill me. Should heroin be legal? Some people might just get a quick fix and be fine for the night while others will OD and end up in the morgue. A drug is a drug.

Yeah but following the same logic, there is also enough OTC drugs in the pharmacy to kill a person, or enough vehicles on the street to run us over if we do not navigate with attention and caution. Similarly, most people can have the power and find ways to kill another human being if we wanted to. And these things also happen in the world everyday.

This is an old thread that investigated Prohibition and in more general terms, the idea of forceful extinction of drug seeking and the availability of alcohol and drugs, if you have not seen it yet:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ohibition.html

Unfortunately, I don't think that drug-seeking and addiction can be externally controlled in the long run in any truly powerful way... we need to take responsibility for our desires and actions as individuals. History has provided enough evidence that there just isn't any other effective way.
I'm linking this because I've posted there most of what I would have to say about the subject.

I am glad you are back and going to give AA another try.

I'm still in the "Living Hell" memories being only 6 months out. Have had a few urges but nothing a little rationality didn't address. I don't dwell in the bad memories but go there by default if salivation is an issue.

I can agree with you somewhat on the OTC drugs part but we don't become physically addicted to driving vehicles or crossing the street or to murdering each other. I'm speaking specifically of physical addiction and addictive substances. I dunno, though, can someone become addicted to OTC drugs? I know, like, some sleep aids can become habit-forming but I don't know of anyone becoming chemically dependent on, say, ibuprofen.

So I did it. I joined an AA group and got assigned a sponsor. I haven't spoken to him yet but he has been sober since 1989, so I would imagine he knows that of which he speaks! I'm actually feeling pretty optimistic about this so looking forward to getting started.

AA helps me a lot! It's nice to be around people who really understand what I'm going through & care. It's really hard to get sober alone...at least for me...

Good luck! You can do this! :-)