You do not have to be this. You can change it and never feel like this again. Dont be so hard on yourself, it will hurt more than do good. Let's only move forward sister!!!

Hello Mera im sorry this has happened cant change the past future hasnt happened now its what we do with now that shapes it

Mera have you litrelly accepted that you cannot drink anymore ?

its a lot easier once you have acceptance

hi sorry to hear you're struggling, I can identify as it took me ages/years of struggling to eventually get sober

you can still add AA 12 steps to your life, though it would be much more beneficial for you to be mixing with other sober alcoholics.

to me it sounds like you have the common old problem of filling you're emotional barometer up with anger and resentments and squashing them back down with alcohol.

try looking on you tube at Joe mcQuany steps, start with step 1 obviously

its such a shame its hard for you to attend AA meetings, I too can identify as it could be hard for me, im in the sticks over here in the uk, but fortunately for me I have a car and can travel to meetings and a wife to look after the kids on evenings while I attend AA meetings.

can I also state at this point there is no where in AA that says you MUST have a sponsor, that's why I (at the beginning of this post) suggested you can still do the 12 steps of AA, though you would need someone to share step 5 with.

I hope you find continuous sobriety

but as already said, you planned this drink by the way you came off antibuse, ive done it myself

good luck, god bless

dave

oh just to add

you are not any of the negative things as you suggested about yourself in numerous posts

you are a alcoholic its a illness, you can get well, you can find recovery

good luck

I, nor anyone here think any worse of you for drinking. That's all you. It will pass with time. Get back on the horse. Looks like you've re-traced some of the steps to see what preceded the "spontaneous relapse" (I've had many out-of-nowhere). Good deal. Onward and upwards!

You are...wait for it...HUMAN!! Oh, god how awful (kidding)... everyone tries and everyone has setbacks. EVERYONE!! Please don't beat yourself up. It really serves no purpose and could further derail you.

this is just such a good Define: conssequences.. wow .. love it to bits.. prayers and you know what do what I do stay away from the TV and Radio with the bad news.. put DVD's on CD's and don't let the world gear you up.. Iam at my worst when I have seen and heard to much.. prayers to all and love ardy

I was just thinking of you yesterday, Mera - ( must be my psychic abilities, right Josharon?!) and was going to message you. Put down the wine bottle, hide your glasses and pick yourself up. You are a beautiful person who can SOOOO do this!
This can be your last relapse, if you let it be. This can be your last day one. Imagine the freedom of never ever feeling this way again. I am here for you, just as everyone else is.

Mera, first of all you are not a bad person. You are an alcoholic. Be kind to yourself.

And, I said before that I thought as long as you were taking antabuse, 'you' were not taking responsibility for not drinking. I think that's what has happened. Even though you had 35 days of sobriety, it was due more to the antabuse, than you deciding that alcohol was no longer an option, ever.

Mera... as someone else has already mentioned. You are a fallible human being :) How about give yourself a little bit of a break?

I know lots of us are natural perfectionists (myself included, and working on this!), but I think the best thing you can do, and the best place to start from is to accept right where you are at this moment. You drank again, ok. Lots of us have done this!!! And we picked ourselves back up.

It is great you came right back here to do that! Some don't come back. Some take years. But, this is no competition of course. It's about doing what WORKS best for you.

We do not think badly of you. And at some point, if you stay sober, you are going to be able to let go of lots of this shame and guilt. So how about start right now?

You aren't an idiot, or stupid, or any of those other things. Addiction is tough. It's probably one of the toughest things to overcome. This is no small battle. It can have a simple answer or solution, but it's by no means "easy" to adapt to sober life after living in addiction for a while.

Jump back on the horse... we are here for you.

Mera, put those negative thoughts about yourself to bed.

You are none of those. You are struggling and trying the best you can.
Go forward and learn from this. How will you react in the future? What steps will you take to prevent this from happening again? We all make mistakes and sometimes we don't live up to our own expectations. Let's not beat ourselves over the head. Think positive.

It must be very difficult to NOT drink wine in Italy because it's so deeply rooted in the culture. I'm guessing that wine is served with every meal!

I know I'm not very far into this journey myself, but the only advice I have is to take 1 day at a time. Surfing SR and posting has really helped me stay on track when my thoughts start to stray.

Mera, the Ninth Step Promises from AA are read at the end of every meeting. I found fear to be my biggest enemy, and self-pity to be its companion. I know you don't want to go to AA, but the literature is priceless. I don't go to meetings right now either, but I haven't shut the door permanently on them. Why don't you pick up a copy of the Big Book and see if it resonates with you.

~Promises~

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

~Alcoholics Anonymous First Edition, Big Book pg. 83 & 84

Mera, as others have said, try not to speak badly of yourself to yourself. In fact, I'd suggest trying to say only good things about yourself! No negativity at all, even if it's just for a day, an hour, a minute, a second at a time. Negative self-talk creates and perpetuates feelings and story lines that make getting sober much more difficult. Time to write a new story about who and what you are! I believe in you, you can do this!!

Make a list of the things you CAN do. And I don't specifically mean in relation to AA meetings. I'll give you some starters

1. Admit/Accept that you are an alcoholic and that you can never, ever pick up even one drink.

2. Spend time here on SR reading and learning how to follow through on #1

3. Attend the real-time meetings here on SR.

4. Find an online AA meeting to attend - they exist and you can join from anywhere.

5. Get a copy of the big book and read it. Then read it again. If you don't want to purchase a copy it's online here Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous

6. Talk with your doctor and see if there are options other than antabuse for you - that didn't seem to work. Perhaps therapy or outpatient treatment.

7. Find someone to babysit on the nights that you have access to local AA meetings and go. You are able to find time to drink and you have money to purchase alchohol, you can find time to go to one meeting for one hour and spare enough money to hire a sitter for an hour or 2.

8. Make sure you have no alchohol available to you anywhere in your home - throw away/pour out whatever you have and don't buy any more.

9. Plan out your day ahead of time so you have activities scheduled during the times that you would normally drink. Make specific times for work on your sobriety.

10. Remember that you know how to live sober, and not picking up the first drink is 100% a conscious choice you can make. You have the power to decide your fate with sobriety.

If you are done beating yourself up can I tell you the Mera I have come to know on the boards? The Mera I know not only had the courage to admit she has a problem but also the courage to go to her Dr and ask for help. She made it 35 days and took the time to help others even while struggling. Does that sound like someone who is worthless? Nope.

Now dust yourself off, get your head in the game and start again. I miss you when you are not here and I know you can do this!

Alcohol doesn't fix much in my experience, and I guarentee it didn't fix anything in your relationship, only made things worse, with the shame and feeling miserable, right?

So next time, might be time to use a few different tools to deal with stressful situations in life, they are always going to crop up, and we need to make Sobriety a permanent change, not for only when things are going well!!

You can do this, put it's gonna take some effort!! :)

I think your advice you gave to someone back in August is awesome:

"I would say the absolute #1 requirement is the complete and total desire to quit. Thus, quitting drinking to please others is not the optimum start. I'm not saying it cannot be done, but I think the first thing you need to do is look deep inside yourself and figure out what it is YOU want. If you need to stop for whatever reason you need the power to stop to come within.
I would recommend having a look around the forum here, it is a great place to start to find information, read the stories and experiences of others and to get support as you face this.
Best of luck to you. If you want it, you can have it. It won't always be easy (I'm living proof!) but it is possible."

Don't give up! Stay strong.

Hello Mera:

Just checking in to let you know that we at SR are thinking about you and hope you are okay.

Stay positive, get up and take that first step again. You can do it.

There some great advice here mera...you're not a bad person :)

you can treat this as a catastrophe or a lesson...yeah? :)

D