Help me out
 

Well here, goes. I was avoiding SR for a few days because I felt so ashamed, so miserable, so useless. I had 35 days of no alcohol and then I drank again. Again. I got in a nasty fight with my boyfriend. I have always described him as amazing and supportive and he is. We so rarely have issues. But something came up. I think that it is due to my sobriety, things that I would normally drink away and not bother with started to get on my nerves and I brought it up. Well I couldn't handle the stress the turmoil and I immediately sought out my tried and true comfort in alcohol. I've been taking antabuse, but a low dose. I had also skipped a few doses in the past days so I just went for it. Fortunately, unfortunately, this allowed me to drink without major consequences. I got very red int he face and felt uneasy, but was able to drink a half a bottle of wine without major problems. The next day I drank a full bottle of wine. Today I am back to drinking mid-day. It slips so quickly, I am right back where I started. I will fight my way out of this, I will. I have to. I do not want to be a drunk ever again and am MISERABLE. But use my failure as a warning, there is no "one drink" to soothe the pain, one drink leads to another and then you are right back into drinking heavily and life is miserable. Don't do it. Now what awaits me is horrible cravings and withdrawals, nothing but misery. Stupidity.

I understand the frustration. I have stopped drinking so many times I cant even count. My family is struggling financially and emotionally. I want sobriety so bad. I drink so much, I'll wake up in the morning and need a drink first thing, just to calm the shakes. My husband despises me and I pretty much despise myself as well. Today is day one for me (AGAIN). I have to do something because if my husband leaves me, I'll never get custody of my daughter being in the shape I am now.
I hope everything works out for you. Thank you for sharing.

Sorry to hear this. Been a lot of relapses on the forum of late. I don't know what it speaks to...the struggle to resist the obsession to drink, or the struggle to deal with sobriety. Drinking is easy, handling life sober is tough. If our recovery plan doesn't help us live and love our sober life, we'll always take the easy path, and drink.

So the drinking didn't just happen. Sounds like you were planning it days in advance and when the opportunity presented itself--the "reason" to drink--you were able to.

Good Morning Mera. I hope you are well this morning. I don't have much to add from what you already stated.

The thing is, when "stressors" come into play we have two options on how to deal with them. Drinking is the "easy" way out of issues / problems. Or if I were really honest with myself, sometimes I look for an excuse to drink to justify anything that pops up.

We both know for people like us that this is not an option. In my humble opinion it comes down to picking it up or having the strength to fight off the cravings.

With you posting, it is clear the option you want. You have done great Mera and all I can say is dust yourself off, think of your health (yourself), your wonderful boyfriend and great children and move forward today. What is done is done and nothing will change that. Time to move forward my friend. I wish you all the best and victory Mera.

You are totally right Carl. I had not thought of it that way. I started weaning off the antabuse for the side effects, etc. But if I am really honest, I think I was gearing up for a bender. How in the world I saw this coming when I didn't really see it coming is beyond me, but I am certain that it was not a coincidence.

C arl nailed it. Just want to add, ... able to drink without major consequences. .. define consequences

It really is frightening how quickly half a bottle of wine can go to a whole bottle and more.

Glad you are back trying. me too.

Fair play. Wow, fair play. You hit the nail on the head, just what I needed to hear. I am a F*&k*n& IDIOT

Make a list of all the things you will gain by not drinking.

Make a list of all the things you will gain IF you continue drinking.

Then focus on NOT drinking ONE day at a time. If you're triggered by an event/situation...Come to SR, or call a friend/sponsor. (AA works for me.)

You can do this.

Good morning (or good afternoon in Mera World - ahhh Italy).

There seems only one good choice, really; restart the clock; start taking your medicine again (if your doctor agrees) and hop back on the wagon.

Is it time to re-examine your plan for sobriety? What do you do for face to face support? AA? Do you have a therapist? Have you tried AVRT?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html


Rooting for you, Mera. We are in your corner. Don't forget SR is 24/7, 365; maybe log-in and post when you are feeling fragile??????

Hi Mera. Sorry to hear that you drank. I don't think you are an idiot... you are a person with an addiction who suffers great deal with it. So Antabuse does not seem to be the solution on its own... We need to learn how to deal with life and emotions without alcohol, and it's hard initially for all of us. Please start over and try to figure out what you really need to do to support your recovery more. Try new options. You can do it!

Honestly I would love to go to an AA meeting. But I can't, I really can't. The only meeting in the area is at 9pm and my kids are in bed. The ones during the day are a 2 hour train ride away, and a 2 hour train ride back. I cannot take 5+ hours out of my day to get there, I HAVE to work. Can I start my own meeting? What can I do? Jesus, this is RIDICULOUS. Can you even believe this???? I am desperate to get sober and then I fall at the blink of an eye, I am ******* worthless.

Hey there! I can't say I haven't been there a million times just like you. Here is not "the one thing" but one of the things that has helped me stay sober over the past 6 weeks. How sick physically I had gotten the last time I drank. I would have taken any punishment to feel well over the sickness I was going through and went though so many times before. Right now you might feel the same way. I know now and realize that any issue that arises that causes me stress is minimal compared to how sick I get and the regret I feel after drinking. In fact, when something stressful comes up and I handle the situation sober and go to bed knowing I will feel ok about things in the morning is its own kind of victory. It took me way too long to realize the pros and cons of drunk are nothing compared to the pros and cons of sober. You're hung over now. Just think, in less than 24 hours you'll be back to feeling well and you'll have 1 day sober. Good-luck friend!

Hi Mera: we are like family and you should never stay away from here because you are embarrased. We have all been there or seen it. We are here for you!!!

I want to ******* die, this is such misery. I now have to go to the local children's library to do a free English course. I have been so looking forward to this volunteer opportunity and here I am, a stupid, alcoholic mess of a worthless human being. These kids deserve more. If I were sober and clear in the head I could have offered a great public service, instead I am some ****** up junk of a waste of human being… these poor kids….

I'm praying for you Mera! We have all been there. Remember that right now you are feeling the worst of the guilt and disappointment in yourself. Practice makes possible not perfection. Keep striving for what you want! You can move forward!

Sounds like you would like to have face-to-face support...
Do you have access to therapy? If yes, maybe try it intensively, more than once a week of you can afford.

Could you find a nanny or someone to stay at your place with the kids a couple times a week during the time you go to the meeting? And then make connections with some sober folks at the meeting and call them or ask them to spend some time with you when you can?

Whoa! Oh no - you are NOT worthless; you are worth a great deal to yourself and others.

Sounds like AA is out unless you can hire a sitter for your children. What about counseling? How about checking out some books on alcoholism and recovery from the library?

Mera you are not an idiot. YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS!!! You are human! Listen, you have been fighting this fight at least since July of this year. You have made leaps and bounds in that time.

Do you know what your days sober have done for me as inspiration? I am sure I am not alone.

People would die to have 30 days. Hell, people would give a limb for three days. There are some people that do not even care to get sober. YOU DO. That's half the battle just in wanting it.

Look, its pretty clear that you were setting this up to happen. Put your guard up and acknowledge what the issues are and do what you have to do to beat them, sober.

I know how you feel Mera. Point blank...it sucks to start over, but that is the only option. Pick yourself up and move forward. You have already proven that its possible!

i agree with doggonecarl re)relapse was already happening. i do believe there is often a "set-up" that occurs before picking up sometimes.

i would have to qualify one thing to agree with the easy statement though, doggone, the "easy" statement. i would agree that it SEEMS easier to drink. in reality though, it is not. not for me anyways.

my drinking became an endurance sport of epic proportions. EVERYTHING was harder. crap, i still feel like i deserve a medal for some of the hangovers i endured...LOL! then, then there's the shame, the planning, the lying, the explaining, the things missed out on, the money. just overall loss of quality of life for me.

yes, recovery is ongoing work. but SO much easier than managing the life i was (and poorly at that).

i believe that the foundation of my program lies in the acceptance of the truth that life is better without. once i really came to believe this, my white knuckle moments decreased severely. while i have the AV thoughts at times, they take a backseat to my knowledge that drinking just doesn't have anything more to offer me.

You do not have to be this. You can change it and never feel like this again. Dont be so hard on yourself, it will hurt more than do good. Let's only move forward sister!!!

Hello Mera im sorry this has happened cant change the past future hasnt happened now its what we do with now that shapes it

Mera have you litrelly accepted that you cannot drink anymore ?

its a lot easier once you have acceptance

hi sorry to hear you're struggling, I can identify as it took me ages/years of struggling to eventually get sober

you can still add AA 12 steps to your life, though it would be much more beneficial for you to be mixing with other sober alcoholics.

to me it sounds like you have the common old problem of filling you're emotional barometer up with anger and resentments and squashing them back down with alcohol.

try looking on you tube at Joe mcQuany steps, start with step 1 obviously

its such a shame its hard for you to attend AA meetings, I too can identify as it could be hard for me, im in the sticks over here in the uk, but fortunately for me I have a car and can travel to meetings and a wife to look after the kids on evenings while I attend AA meetings.

can I also state at this point there is no where in AA that says you MUST have a sponsor, that's why I (at the beginning of this post) suggested you can still do the 12 steps of AA, though you would need someone to share step 5 with.

I hope you find continuous sobriety

but as already said, you planned this drink by the way you came off antibuse, ive done it myself

good luck, god bless

dave

oh just to add

you are not any of the negative things as you suggested about yourself in numerous posts

you are a alcoholic its a illness, you can get well, you can find recovery

good luck

I, nor anyone here think any worse of you for drinking. That's all you. It will pass with time. Get back on the horse. Looks like you've re-traced some of the steps to see what preceded the "spontaneous relapse" (I've had many out-of-nowhere). Good deal. Onward and upwards!

You are...wait for it...HUMAN!! Oh, god how awful (kidding)... everyone tries and everyone has setbacks. EVERYONE!! Please don't beat yourself up. It really serves no purpose and could further derail you.

this is just such a good Define: conssequences.. wow .. love it to bits.. prayers and you know what do what I do stay away from the TV and Radio with the bad news.. put DVD's on CD's and don't let the world gear you up.. Iam at my worst when I have seen and heard to much.. prayers to all and love ardy

I was just thinking of you yesterday, Mera - ( must be my psychic abilities, right Josharon?!) and was going to message you. Put down the wine bottle, hide your glasses and pick yourself up. You are a beautiful person who can SOOOO do this!
This can be your last relapse, if you let it be. This can be your last day one. Imagine the freedom of never ever feeling this way again. I am here for you, just as everyone else is.

Mera, first of all you are not a bad person. You are an alcoholic. Be kind to yourself.

And, I said before that I thought as long as you were taking antabuse, 'you' were not taking responsibility for not drinking. I think that's what has happened. Even though you had 35 days of sobriety, it was due more to the antabuse, than you deciding that alcohol was no longer an option, ever.

Mera... as someone else has already mentioned. You are a fallible human being :) How about give yourself a little bit of a break?

I know lots of us are natural perfectionists (myself included, and working on this!), but I think the best thing you can do, and the best place to start from is to accept right where you are at this moment. You drank again, ok. Lots of us have done this!!! And we picked ourselves back up.

It is great you came right back here to do that! Some don't come back. Some take years. But, this is no competition of course. It's about doing what WORKS best for you.

We do not think badly of you. And at some point, if you stay sober, you are going to be able to let go of lots of this shame and guilt. So how about start right now?

You aren't an idiot, or stupid, or any of those other things. Addiction is tough. It's probably one of the toughest things to overcome. This is no small battle. It can have a simple answer or solution, but it's by no means "easy" to adapt to sober life after living in addiction for a while.

Jump back on the horse... we are here for you.