Another first time AA meeting thread :)
 

Hi everyone,

I plan to go to my first meeting this weekend or early next week. I've found several "beginners meetings" in my neighborhood and will pick one of these as a start. I know that there have been plenty of discussions on first time meetings, both what to expect and how the experience was for others, but I don't recall reading suggestions or opinions on what might be the best way to approach it, how to behave, if there is anything specifically good to do or not to do at your first meeting? If there is any consensus at all, which I suspect there isn't...

I'm approaching 3 months of sobriety and have a very open mind for trying almost anything for recovery and self improvement. I don't really feel much anxiety about going to AA at this point (had some, but I think I've neutralized it quite well by thinking through it and suggestions from a few specific people also helped). I feel much more a sort of excited curiosity. I did not think I would likely try AA in the beginning but am changing my mind for a variety of reasons... One is that there seem to be quite a few people with great attitude and wisdom here on SR who are in AA, so I'm guessing there must be something about it...? Another main reason is that I really would like to find people in the 3D world to discuss addiction and recovery with, make new friends this way, potentially. The motivation to hopefully help others via sharing experiences and knowledge is also a big one. And I've come to appreciate various aspects of the 12-step program because I see the positive manifestation of that work in some people's attitude here on SR... Things like these.

Is there anything you guys could suggest to me for a start? Should I just go and listen first, should I interact more, should I stay after the meeting to talk with others in a more causal way? Or take all this according to how I feel in the moment?

Thanks in advance :)

Do what feels most comfortable: if you are outgoing, show up early, share, and stay late; if you're shy, it's okay to remain quiet.

But you should go as soon as possible.

There is no right and wrong in AA meetings. Granted I've only been to 45 of them in the last month, but you can act any way you'd like to act. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. That's it. You'll see, it is pretty structured and you'll be fine.

My meeting asked if anyone was new. You can just introduce yourself. They also give newcomers a chance to speak if they would like. Good luck!

I hope it goes well.

First, it's really not that big a deal; especially if you think of it as something you may do quite often for several weeks/months/years/life! Sure, three years ago I went to my first meetings, and I remember the anxiety; very soon however I knew I was right at home. If I was NEVER going to be an addict again I needed to be around people who were like me, and that's what I found; a welcoming, warm embrace of friendship and fellowship. I now experience that in ALL the rooms of AA, whether I am home, in another state, or another country.

I also realized that although there might be other options to embrace sobriety; they weren't and would never be what AA is. I'm allowed to be myself, take what I need and leave the rest, embrace a power greater than myself REGARDLESS of what that was, and just be with others who share one major thing-a desire to no longer be an addict- and after that, if we had other things that created a bond, fine-or not.

:coaster

You do what you are comfortable with. If you want to just listen, then do so. I think that is is a good thing to do the first couple meetings so you can get the feel for how the meetings are run.

Introduce yourself though if you feel comfortable with that and it sounds like you would be. You don't have to get all into it all, just say Hi and shake hands. They may ask if there are newcomers and if you feel comfortable state your name so they can welcome you.

If I know people are new then I make an effort to say hi after and exchange numbers with them.

Thanks a lot for the responses! So yes, it sounds like the best approach is to do what one feels comfortable with in the moment - this already sounds wonderful because I think in a lot of areas of everyday life it's not how it works, although I'm up to changing that perception as well...

I think I'm a pretty outgoing and easy to interact with kind of person when I don't feel very anxious. But anxiety can be quite unpredictable, so I won't make firm plans for how to handle my first AA meeting. I'm also usually quite strongly affected by and responsive to my environment and how people act around me, so I guess it's best to leave most of it to the situation and not overthink in advance.

Thanks guys! Sounds very encouraging so far :)

Best wishes Haennie :)

D

I have another specific question regarding AA culture. I've read that sometimes people prefer groups based on gender... and that it's usually preferable to establish sponsor-sponsee relationships within same sex. How strict is this, in general? I mean of course I am not thinking of or expecting finding a sponsor in my first few meetings... but I know that my orientations towards gender roles tend to be a little off-chart as far the most common views go. I think this kind of view is influenced by my being bisexual, and I don't want that to interfere with getting the best out of a support group experience, like AA.

If I were to be really transparent and honest, I must confess that in my whole life my most significant friendships have been with males (I'm female). I don't have any "a priori" preference. It's just how my life experience has been... And I don't want this to get in the way of my experience with AA. Don't want to do anything inappropriate either.

Any thoughts in this direction from those in AA?

This is a key to a lot of things!

Keep it light, no expectations for yourself or others and you will be just fine :)

I see you are in NY, try this one: unless it has changed it was an awesome speaker meetings and the people were very nice. Lots of ladies with good sobriety there.
It' a fairly big meeting though but friendly enough that you won't get lost in the crowd. Oh and they have some real good cookies ;)

St. Francis of Assisi Center

NU GARDEN - Nu Garden
139 West 31st Street, 3rd Floor,
(Betw 6th & 7th Avenues) NY 10001

All meetings are non-smoking.
Sundays From 6:00 PM to 7:30 PM
Meeting Type S = Step meeting

Thursdays From 6:00 PM to 7:30 PM
Meeting Type OD = Open Discussion meeting

Saturdays From 6:00 PM to 7:30 PM
Meeting Type OD = Open Discussion meeting

This is not a requirement for an AA meeting, but it REALLY helps...lol

I make cookies or brownies for my HG and they always tell me they are so good. I tell them it is my evil plan to keep them coming back ;)

As far as the sponsor thing, just go and if you meet someone you trust, talk to them about it. AA, as Life, is what you make of it.

I know there are also some specific meetings for LGBT - a friend of mine attends one of those twice a week and "regular" meetings other times. I would think the gender roles are naturally relaxed a lot more in those types of meetings.

How did the meeting go?

There was a thread on this in the 12 step support forum - specifically related to LGBT issues and sponsors. Lot's of QNA there.

I've never gone to an AA meeting so I have no advice to offer, but I am very much looking forward to hearing about your experience. Please come back and share your impressions!

Sitting and listening for a few is good but you can also share if you are comfortable. When I go to a step or big book meeting and I haven't worked that step I say that I haven't worked it. One woman I know will say "I haven't worked this step but this is what the reading means to me now" and always has something insightful. It all depends on how comfortable you are. I have said and have heard plenty of times "today I'm just going to listen."

As for the sponsorship find someone you trust first. Gender choice of sponsor seems to be pretty much set but I do know one woman who has a man as a sponsor. In my opinion the suggestion to have a sponsor of your own gender came about to protect people from getting involved in unequal relationships or being taken advantage of at a time of vulnerability. Plus sponsors and sponsees spend a lot of time together. If one of the people in that relationship is married or involved with someone it could be threatening to the partner. There is a term "thirteen stepping" used to describe people who swoop in on newcomers and hit on them under the guise of lending support.

You can also find LGBT meetings too. Try all sorts of meetings. I do know that if it is a women's meeting or a men's meeting people are strict on sticking to that. Good luck and just be yourself. Let us know how it goes.

I am also in NY and at the beginners meetings I have been to ask at the start if anyone is new, visiting or counting days. They also hand out chips for each month under 1 year. I just started AA two weeks ago, but I raise my hand and say "Hi- I'm 'KimsFriend' and I have 21 days".
If it's my first time at that meeting a booklet of meeting times is passed around and the women sign their names and phone numbers (it is suggested that I reach out and call 3 alcoholics a day).
Usually they will announce that if you are need for a temporary sponsor to come up after the meeting. I did not have to do this as I was surrounded by welcomers at the end of each meeting and someone came right out and asked me if I would like a temp sponsor. I had her for a few days until I found my permanent sponsor.
I asked my permanent sponsor based on how comfortable I felt in talking to her. She was so filled with peace that it filled me with hope. I look forward to Talking to her everyday.

Not every meeting is created equal in my experience. There have been a couple that I just couldn't get into. But that did not stop me from seeking out more.
I go every day. Sometimes twice. AA has been a very positive influence on my sobriety and on my life. Even in these two short weeks. I have felt a calmness that I haven't felt in over 20 years.

Good luck!!

Thanks a lot again for the responses, all very good information! I'll definitely share my impressions here.

I'm just done with my first meeting... My gosh... impression overload! I want to process some of it in my head before I can make a coherent enough report (for my taste).

It was a positive and interesting experience, and I think I will continue exploring, but need some processing time to be able to summarize the first impressions for you guys :)

great! good to get the first one under your belt. hope you plan to keep going,
like tomorrow maybe???

I actually shared a bit in the meeting... like how I started my drinking habit as a grad student to ease some anxieties and insecurities... and how it led into ~a decade of sinus curve like behaviors.

When I was walking down into the meeting room in the building, I ran into a very friendly lady. I was not sure where the meeting was, so just asked this woman "I'm here for an AA meeting, do you know by chance where it is"? Just like that. She was immediately very helpful directing me. She also decided to sit next to me in the meeting. And gave her phone number.

After the meeting, I found myself approached by a guy and we walked to the nearby subway station together. Pleasant conversation, nothing too deep.

What happened in between...in my mind mostly... later :)

Yes, maybe :)

Well, friends... there is a lot more to my story now. Confession time...

I've had performance review meeting with my employer today. Not good. They actually scored me better and above my own own scoring and evaluation of myself for the review period. Still not good.

Anyhow, I'm fearing losing this job. ALL due to my self-destructive and useless attitudes during the past ~3 years... before getting sober this January, OK... 3 months won't fix all those years.

Those of you that got to know me and my history, preferences, etc well, may see how devastating losing this current job might be for me.

Anyhow, yet another vivid story of cause and effect, I think!

I apologize for breaking my own thread here. So basically what happened on Monday: I had that discussion with my employer I wrote about in the above post, and went to my first AA meeting right after (I really did not feel like doing that but wanted to stick with my scheduled decision). Did not get very much out of the AA meeting in that mental state since I was so preoccupied by the work issue...

So, the work issue. I will have a second meeting with the employer Friday afternoon. Actually since the morning after the first one, I've been thinking more and more that this process might eventually lead me to a much better, more satisfying position, and just need to ride it out. Pretty unlikely they would fire me or even consider that vaguely, I think... I'd contributed to this organization far too much, I think, with all my flaws and idiosyncrasies ... but we'll see. All of my employers so far (>15 years) have tended to tolerate most of my eccentricities, it's just that in this last job during the past ~3 years with drinking habits the combination had gotten very extreme, I think. I think I would not tolerate that either, in a "normal" world, and no one should.

Anyhow, so plan to go to more AA meetings and actually focus on them, this issue was a distraction.

Hey everyone, sorry about the break again... so that job issue has been sorted, no issue anymore. Can continue with my "dream job" :) I feel very humbled and grateful.

Back to AA meetings. I've gone to only 4 meetings so far, but am quite interested in and actually, fascinated by, the different dynamics. What many of you have predicted and suggested. So, thank you.

I'm starting to feel more strongly that perhaps I would want to continue all this with working the steps with a sponsor. The question I have right now: don't think I would have time, or more precisely, I would want to designate more time than 1-3 AA meetings and interactions with sponsor per week, at this time. I just have so much going on, and am also interested in other approaches, such as psychotherapy, let alone other interests...

Have you had good experiences doing the 12-step work in a little less intense way? I think 1-2 meetings a week and similar intensity with sponsor interaction might work for me.

Please share :)

Just want to relate my experience with this:

I've lost two pretty sweet jobs in the last year. I had a lot of people tell me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I usually kept up with it for a bit, and then started to miss meetings and not call my sponsor or anyone I'd met. Come, say, day seven or day eight, I'd feel a lot stronger and less panicky and like I didn't REALLY need the meetings. And then suddenly it'd be three months later and I'd been passed out pretty much the whole time and it was back to day one--like today.

Everyone's different. But I had my dream job five years ago when I first started drinking heavily, and now I'm hoping I get a certain job this week making less than I did in high school. So, if you have your dream job, I guess I'd just caution you not to give yourself any reason to lose it.

I do sympathize, though. At one time I was juggling a job and psychotherapy and meetings. It's a lot, especially in New York. But I wish I'd known at the time that, personally, I would have needed to stick with it.

haennie,whatever works for you is fine as far as AA goes.There is no set way to do things.

You sound strong in your sobriety,your thoughts sound good to me.

Thank you for the feedback.

Heath - yeah I usually feel that way, "whatever works", just want to make sure I make good choices.

What phoenixbot said is exactly the reason for trying to be careful. Thanks a lot for sharing that. I know it's not a good idea to get into too many new things in early recovery, all at once, without focus - I think this strategy would likely lead to overwhelm and/or superficiality, and potentially worse. Guess I'm just too curious, and sometimes get too excited. This last ~3 months have felt like gradually getting into a whole new reality or something like that, with so many possibilities... and I love this feeling (for the most part). Don't want to allow myself to get too carried away with it.

Maybe I'll just go step by step - since I've already started meetings a bit, stick with that and focus. See how it goes. Then the therapy later - the way I want to do it requires some processing time anyway.

And I'll definitely stick with SR since that was the first method I tried and it made a huge difference for me, so I know it works.

I agree - do what you feel is comfortable for you - there is no right or wrong. I just went to my first meeting, and I didn't think I'd say anything. But, when it came around to me, I did...and I cried a little....but, it was really refreshing. And if this group doesn't "fit" for you, don't be afraid to try other groups. Everyone keeps telling me that, and it makes sense. In no different than finding a good pair of shoes. You wouldn't keep wearing an uncomfortable pair of shoes that cause you blisters and sore toes. But, there is a group out there for each of us as individuals, and you will be so glad you went - not only will you be helping yourself, but you'll be helping others. And that is truly the best part I'm finding about sobriety right now. Granted I'm still fresh (again), but I think taking this leap will take the 28 days and make you a rock.

Good luck and Congratulations on your great success!!!:c011:

And yes - too many methods - I agree, my brother has really stressed the importance of putting too much in my mind, and too many methods, that's why I finally buckled down and said AA was my method of choice right now. It was hard to admit it, but he was right.