Well, That Was Stupid
 

I was returning to work yesterday after a doctor's appt, and needed some lunch. I decided to go to Whole Foods, as they have some healthy choices at the food bar. Healthier than anything else on that route, at least.

As I parked I remembered they also have a little craft beer pub on the side. Back when I was drinking I had wanted to try it. And just like that I seemed to completely forget that I'm an alcohol addict and I went in and ordered an IPA. Then another. I didn't go back to work.

I went grocery shopping after 3 pints. I normally go grocery shopping on Mondays after work, so I stayed on that schedule. Then after shopping I went to another bar on my way home, and had 3 more pints. Then I took a six-pack home. My 'off' switch is still busted.

My family is disappointed, of course. My head is banging this morning, of course. Fortunately I still have a head. Time to start using it again.

Hey non? What's your AV telling you this morning? Is it laughing? Is it teasing you? Is it quiet?

Is, because its the day after, your sober voice is dominating?

My point is I would learn the most when I listened to when I just fed the beast. He gets stupid when he's happy and I can learn a thing or two.

But you sound like you already did learn a thing or two.

Move forward my friend! With the SR fa,ily by your side.

Ken

Well, you're back and I'm glad for that.

Can you look back and see when your beast started to take over? When you started entertaining the AV? Days? Hours?

I'm asking this question for myself. That may sound selfish and I don't mean it that way.

ETA: Yeah, and I'm curious about Weasel's questions as well.

AV is telling me to drink again this morning. Hair of the dog for that hangover. If I'd had one within arm's reach a couple of hours ago I probably would have slammed one back. And we know where that road leads...

I feel like AV is back under MY control again, now.

It was literally a split-second decision. I wasn't even thinking 'beer' when I pulled into the parking lot. I was getting out of my truck and saw the side entrance where the pub is and just thought "eff it, I'm gonna try one of their beers", walked in and ordered one that sounded promising.

It's happened to me that way. Many people here I have read. Autopilot to hell.

Glad you are here posting.

Yeah, isn't if funny how we think we are just going to do a little nice thing for ourselves, a little harmless indulgence and then BANG, ugh, truth hits us once again.

It's not harmless and it's not a gift, it's a big fat slammy whammy on the head!

So glad you are "feeling the pain" and realizing that yeah, just really don't want to go there again.

welcome back.

Back on the bike .

*ring ring*

M

Sorry to read that your struggles to recover continue.

Just my 2 cents... have you tried AA? AVRT is great but AA really helps for those times when rationality and self-control don't work...

Did you previously drink and drive? :scorebad

you are more than lucky you didn't do harm to yourself and others. You mentioned thoughts of "buying beer for your son" this past weekend...your AV was hard at work in your subconscious and ran with the opportunity once your eyeballs saw that entrance.

I hope you feel better and am glad this wasn't a continued binge of extra days.

''returning to work yesterday after a doctor's appt, and needed some lunch... I didn't go back to work.
I went grocery shopping after 3 pints. I normally go grocery shopping on Mondays after work, so I stayed on that schedule. Then after shopping I went to another bar on my way home, and had 3 more pints. Then I took a six-pack home''

would it have been different if you had eaten?

This type of thing is a worry for me too. I used to brew my own beer, belonged to a couple of brewing clubs, etc. Loved craft beers of all types, especially a good double IPA. Loved trying all the new craft brew joints.
Gave that all up, man did that hurt.

Truth be told though, beer didn't mess me up, it was Vodka. I'd always start by having a good tasting beer, but end up with Vodka and beer. You see, beer just couldn't mess me up anymore, even the high alcohol stuff. I'd get full to fast :)

I'm going to miss my beer, but that's ok. I miss some old girlfriends too. They and the beer, were a part of my life. Once. For good or bad, it's made me who I am.

Don't beat yourself up to much Nonsensical. You can win this fight.

The good thing is that you are safe, and ready to start riding again. These things do happen. It is not unheard of ( you should check out all my attempts) Please do not beat yourself up. Lets get going in the right direction.

Depends who you ask. I've been to a hundred or so meetings, but there are people who tell me I never actually tried AA.


Sadly, yes, I have. Many many times. :(

I was stopping to get food, so it might have been different if I had eaten. Ironically, McDonald's drive-thru would have been the better choice for me yesterday.

There you go trying to get all healthy and look what happens! :)
I am glad that you are back here and posting about it. We need you around Nonsense. What you are doing for yourself is really important. Onwards and UPWARDS!

Yeah. Geez.

For the couple of weeks or so I've come to look at the thread, "Funny things my AV said Today", over at Secular Connections with jaundice eye. It came to me making a joke out of our AV is actually giving it power, at least that's how I see it.

My AV is not a buddy of mine. It wants me dead and that's certainly nothing to joke about. What I realized is when my AV comes at me will "silly" thoughts, there is nothing silly about it. Entertaining IT by laughing at it is feeding the beast.

I can't help but think, non, that this didn't just sneak up on you and I hate IT happened.

My 2 cents. Your AV was in control , maybe when you woke up . Planned from the get go, in your subconscious, before you decided to eat healthy. Took you right where it wanted you to be , at the sidebar. I found when I screw up, its planned by the rational side , completely wambuzeled by that stinkin AV. I put myself in a no win situation. You been one of my rocks , you know the drill. Get er Done !

Didn't you mention that you were hosting a "party" of some type this Sunday (which is Mother's Day)? Please think about having a good offense for this, because there may be booze around...your family is very loving and tolerant most times?, but they do have a saturation point too. The last thing you want to do is give them a terrible holiday to remember and hurtful feelings.
I hope it is a beautiful sunny day on your deck and you are happy with bacon and gingerale.

Hey Non, sorry about yesterday happening and so good to see you're back and fighting. Just a quick thought to echo what Riky is saying above and what I have seen from some of your previous posts: Your AV is really good at pre-gaming you. I notice it in posts where you start mentioning drinking (parties, getting beer for your son, etc.) and then it seems like you have slip-up soon thereafter. Not always, of course, but maybe sometimes? Your AV has a pretty firm grip on your subconscious and, as Riky says, seems to be quite "rational" so you're probably going to have to do some extra work to beat that b*stard into submission. He's a tricky one so you might need some extra tools in your toolbox.

Anyway, sending you tons of good vibes, virtual support and a huge hug too!

I kinda buy into the "autopilot" thing. Once engaged it just takes over. For me the biggest triggers are loneliness and boredom which are a large part of my life. Also, I am being very careful not to shop anywhere where there is liquor nearby that I used to access. Unfortunately, this includes WholeFoods (wine store across the street) and the main grocery store (liquor store next door). The husband's scotch is a trigger (great drama in stealing a few nips when he was in the kitchen; thankfully he now keeps it hidden, bless his heart.

Such a minefield. But since I have looked at what REALLY makes me want to drink (boredom and loneliness) I am trying to remedy those situations.

Nonsensical, I am glad you are posting about it; you are one of my favorite people here.

Sorry to hear this Nonsensical. It is so demoralising I know from past experience.

If you were getting complacent, double up your efforts. If you were looking for an excuse, don't give yourself one. If you slipped into auto-pilot, don't take your foot off the throttle.

You can do this. It doesn't need to become a pattern of stop and start sobriety.

You can stay sober. I know it and you know it. It's what you want and your AV doesn't like that one bit.

Best wishes to you x

Listen to this:

Amanda McBroom: Errol Flynn - YouTube

Nons, there is evidence* that our addiction affects more than just the primitive parts of our brain. Addictions also affect the prefrontal cortex, that part of the brain which evolved to support our existence as sophisticated social creatures. Thus, when this part of the brain malfunctions, a solution can be found in a therapeutic social setting.

AA is not a cult or a religion. It just happens that a cure for alcoholism comes in that form in most communities.

______________

*4 March 2009
Neuroscience: "Rethinking rehab", Jim Schnabel, Nature 458, 25-27, doi:10.1038/45802

So many kind words. Thank you all.

Yeah, maybe. It's kinda hard to tell when the AV is jabbering at me every day. Sometimes every hour.

To my conscious mind it seemed very impulsive to me. I saw the door, recalled that they serve interesting craft brews in there and decided to sample. I was a few sips in when I realized my AV was in charge.

It was just a few sips and these thoughts raced to the front:

1. You're not going back to work
2. If you chug that beer (like I wanted to) wearing a tie sitting in a Whole Foods at lunchtime on a Monday, they will probably refuse to serve you another.
3. I can probably only get 3 here before I look like I have a problem
4. Which of these beers has the highest ABV?
5. Is there another bar between here and the grocery store? (I don't shop for staples at Whole Foods)
6. Which bar will I stop at on the way home?
7. What will I drink?
8. Should I pick up a bottle?
9. Can I fool the family or will they know?

Gee, I might be an alcoholic. :headbange

Nonsensical, I know exactly what you're talking about. One second everything is fine and the next second I'm raising the mug to my mouth. I've taken to preparing beforehand for those moments--at least as best as I can. Unfortunately, we can't always predict when we will find ourselves vulnerable.

I believe the best thing we can do is recognize those "twinges", no matter how subtle they are, and then pause for just a few seconds to get our minds back on track and tell ourselves NO!

I stopped drinking (the first time) on February 16, 2010....in 2009 I had only gone without alcohol 9 days...not by choice, i was hospitalized...(I have a small anuerysm in my pointy little head, they ran every test in the world, i have great insurance)...in 2009, my liver enzymes were skyrocketed and my doctor told me i should not drink at all, so i drank heavily for another 6 months.

I made it from February through the rest of the winter, into spring and family Easter Dinner....it was a sunny Wednesday in early May....I was stopping for fruit at the grocery....I walked into the liquor store like it was long lost family and bought wine...3 large bottles of cabernet....and I decided I could "sip" a bit in the evenings....

it did not work out as I had planned, but I did make myself very sick...(a good thing). I remember going out to dinner in July that year on a friday night, had wine with dinner and 3 bottles the next day...I fell into a pattern of a very depressive weekend drunk about once a month...i started to write it on my calendar, it was the same pattern, almost to the day...it took me a while but I finally figured it out and now have been sober for about 2 years...(i don't count , it makes me crazy).

I refuse to fall into the traps i set for myself, but they are always there.

My AV is in full swing today. I think she ticked over my new amethyst "sobriety stone" jewelry. My husband is home today and told me to out and he'll watch the kids. She immediately said yeah let's go to World Market, you can buy some kitchen stuff and wine there. As much as I would love to get away from the kids for a bit, I won't be going out. She needs to be quarantined to the house or husband today!

Non-
I am so sad to read this. As you know I have been there and beat myself up over it. Be thankful you made it home safe... be thankful for anything you can be thankful for. I know how quick it can sneak up on you and how hard it can be to feel in control once you let yourself down. However, you are in control. I am here for you.... Jess

BINGO!


As for the AV being in charge, I think AVRT is a wonderful tool, and it's been helpful for me to personify my addiction as the AV or beast. But your AV isn't driving the bus. You are. You chose. You drank. And after that, powerless.

I think you need another tool in your recovery tool box. Acceptance is a great start.

Dearest Paul - Been there many, many times over the course of 30 yrs. Even with the best of intentions, out of the blue I would cave - with no thought given to the outcome. As a result, in my 50's I managed to collect 3 dui's, destroy my health, ruin my finances, disappoint & hurt my family, etc. I had to be brought to my knees to finally get it - I can never touch a drop. It isn't necessary for it to go that far - and I know you'll find a solution that will work. We are all with you - glad you came clean about it.