Very very glad you made it home safe.

And glad you're back on the wagon with us! :)

:bus

Nonesensical I don't now about you but sometimes I wish someone had me at gunpoint everywhere I went and if I even thought about getting booze I would hear him undoing the trigger .. Anyways chin up one battle lost but you will win the war !

Whatever has been said, mulled over, analised... it has happened, we are what we are. If none of us logged on here, we would never get the support we generally need. Just stick around here, good or bad. There may be a few judgemental people, but they may be early in their journey too. Don't give up giving up... it'll happen when you know you need it x

OK Non.... lots of talk about AV and such.

For me it's pretty simple; I am an Alcoholic. If I'm not working hard to live in the solution every day, I am vulnerable. And while I appreciate that everyone has their triggers, a lot of things could trigger me... this disease is sneeky. See that pub? Let's go in... Yep. It can be that fast. It could just as easily have been me.

So now you need to re-commit yourself to your sober journey my friend. This is one day at a time for all of us...glad you are here with us today.

One thing...the drinking and driving needs to stop Non. Think of your kids.

Love you,

Venus xx

There's some great advice here Nons. I can't add to it really.

You know what you gotta do.

welcome back :)

D

Glad your back, nonsensical! I'm sitting here and thoughts of drinking are creeping into my head and I read this. This is just the kind of thinking I have when I start drinking. Great reminder of what this crazy train does.

Wow Im sorry you had a relapse. I hope you have a new plan & am glad to hear you want to get sober.

Hey nonsensical, I just posted something similar in the substance abuse section. I had a three day slip, used morphine and my beloved oxy (which I stole of course) and when I went to "borrow" more oxy today, found it gone. At first I was upset and heartbroken. Then I started to finally wake up.

And I am so grateful that oxy wasn't there and my sense came back! For me, I could feel the slip coming. I'd been thinking about using for a couple of weeks and this time I just felt like I didn't care if I did. I didn't care about my recovery anymore. So when the opportunity came, I took it.

I'm glad this happened though because it gave me the chance to remember why I don't want to use anymore. I didn't get the "high" I wanted but I got to remember the bad stuff: the night sweats, the instant withdrawals and cravings for more, the way the desire to use can overpower me in an instant and make me throw away my recovery.

And most importantly, that I AM an addict with a serious disease and if I don't take it seriously it will seriously take me to my death.

So, time for day one again and renewed dedication to our recoveries!

I think the " F it " do have a prelude. It is now clearer to me when i am not centred. Then i am in a risk state.

I hope you are doing ok Nons, check in with us....
Sober Wednesdays !

Hey Non.

I, too, hope you are doing okay today. Please do check in with us when you can.

Doing great today. Got a fantastic 6.5 hours of sleep. (That's above average for me.) I read (and thanked) all the additional posts in this thread since last night, but didn't have anything to add. Plus I am working on a personal website, and that was pre-occupying my early morning time.

Got to work and discovered my boss called in sick, so I am in charge today. That was unexpected, so I have been running around with a helment fire trying to make sure I actually KNOW what is going on today. :)

Non-
Dont forget your a bad**s and :You_Rock_ .... Pretty sure thats what you told me when I was the one who relapsed. Tell your beast to STFU and move on with your life. Enjoy your day..... Jess

Eat kiwis an hour before bedtime Nons....they help you sleep...sounds strange, but there have been studies..they evidently contain a large amount of natural melatonin.

Thanks for your honesty Non, can relate to so much of it, my mind is thinking in overdrive when im tempted to drink- I have been known to walk up and down the same street to a bar over ten times 'trying' to make a decision. I do feel insane in those moments and my heart is racing, it proves to me that I am ill with this and am quite sure a non-alcoholic doesn't think or behave in this over thinking way.

Im still struggling after a bad bank holiday weekend. That first cold pint sat in the sun in a beer garden wasn't even enjoyable- my brain was already racing ahead thinking where to go next, how many can I get away with, shall I have a cider next- so similar to your thoughts in that first bar. Good luck friend.

Yes I've been there many times and the booze usually won. What started to make a difference and make the struggle simpler were things like halt, kiss and the serenity prayer. In time these events (with a whole lot of other tools) became rare. Sometimes the urge still blinks (like a bubble rising) but go straight to things like gratitude. It's no longer a struggle but a gift. but not one I take for granted. one day et.c.

I also experienced a reversal of intent. My decision was after many years of not drinking, but nonetheless, I chose to drink again. My binge lasted 7 years and it's an understatement to say I was "all beast". In the end, I had a little talk with myself... "Well, soberlicious, it's obvious that this can happen, so what are you going to do about it in the future? What exactly is your plan of action to make sure you don't do this again?" ...because I can ensure that. I can make sure I never put alcohol in my body again. I can and so can you. What's your plan, Non?

1stepup, it is amazing how similar our experiences are. For me, as soon as that thought of a drink hits me, followed in quick succession by all that you mentioned, I am drunk before I even start.

Nonsensical, I am glad to hear you are so busy! Great way to stay out of trouble.

To think it over for a few days, and determine the plan.

Hi non. So, what have you learned from your little experiment that you didn't know before?

That's what I need the few days to determine. :)

Hello Non,

Sorry to hear you had a slip-up yesterday. My AV is also ruthless and almost lead me in the wrong direction yesterday. It had me convinced, so I checked with my husband if he thought having "one or two glasses of wine" would be okay. Husband said, "Ummm, isn't that The Beast talking?"

I am sure it was a big disappointment to your family, but you should see it as a slip-up, a speed bump on the road to permanent abstinence. Sometimes I go to YouTube and look at video compilations of drunk people acting stupid when I hear the AV talking. It works pretty well to talk it down. I also read the AVRT book and remind myself that permanent abstinence is the bare minimum of what my family deserves.

It is hard.

Hope you feel better. Best wishes to you and your family.

There is a section in the RR book if you are so inclined. Chapter 13 "Lapses, relapses, and other nonsense" I found it to be interesting reading. Maybe you will too. Here are some words from the book in typical blunt JT style: If you have no plan to quit for good, then you have a plan to drink again. I've heard a similar sentiment in AA: "Take a white chip and put it in your mouth, when it dissolves, then you can drink" (hint: it's never going to dissolve ;)) Do *you* need a few days to determine you are done...or does *it* need a few days to restrategize?

Sorry to read about your relapse, Non. You seem to be a guy with his head on straight, and who doesn't like a guy with a healthy love of bacon.

Just remember, you can't think your way through this. Don't take too long contemplating what you've learned. Just recommit today and move forward.

Thanks for sharing your experience. For what it's worth, I can tell you this and not be able to live it myself, so I know easier said that done. We're here for you.

Funny it happens that way. I've had more then a few episodes of that too. Sober 4 awhile. Everythng seemed 2 be ok. Then whammy, out of nowhere, here comes the idea of picking up again. Things can be good at this point in my life, or bad. It can be sunny, rainy or just any other thing that triggers my av. Because I can't shut it out, I can only try 2 shut it up. And its hard for me to overcome it. But I've been trying, and will continue to do so. Hopefully, someday this stupid av desire to drink will finally leave me. Some folks say it does for them, over a length of time. I hope that is true. Hang in there, get back on track. You can do it. happyface:

Carl:" But your AV isn't driving the bus. You are. You chose. You drank. And after that, powerless."

Non: "And just like that I seemed to completely forget that I'm an alcohol addict "....." It was literally a split-second decision. I wasn't even thinking 'beer' when I pulled into the parking lot. I was getting out of my truck and saw the side entrance where the pub is and just thought "eff it, I'm gonna try one of their beers", walked in and ordered one ..."


sorry to hear you went there, Non.
i'm never sure what we/people are supposed to "learn" from these things; yet so frequently it's assumed we should, or that we did.

what i learned, ultimately, and this was after lengthy sobriety and looking back on the seemingly un-decided decisions i'd made many times to drink again, was that i didn't really always make a "real" decision about the first one. i couldn't; i didn't.
call it autopilot, call it AV in control, call it alcoholism....i ended up getting that i did not have free choice entirely. this is what the condition/disorder of alcoholism implies. to me. now.

the split-second stuff. the blank spot.

what will step into that split-second space and make us turn?
how to avoid getting into that split-second space?
when did we allow or make room for that or did we?

how do we make a different decision next time?

in a real way, i was powerless about the first one.
much as rationally that makes no sense.

it turned out to be too easy to brush these things away with "i chose" and not look harder.

but that's me. no idea if any of that resonates with you.

non - going to meetings is definitely a big part of AA but it isn't everyhting. have you ever had a sponsor or done the steps? the support network is amazing in moments of weakness.

I'm gonna ride this wave too....

A lot of folks talk about what they learned from relapse - and maybe some do learn something - but all I ever learned is that drinking sucks...and I'm a very bad drinker.

I knew that anyway.

Analysis is great, but too much analysis is inertia - you don't want that, Nons.

Your AV might though?

D

I have determined that I am done. Several times.

It leaves me things to think about if I am to make this the last time I determine that I am done. :)

I guess relapse is the nature of the Beast and we have to figure out a way to kill the Beast or deal with it in some way. That is if you follow the ideas of Rational Recovery. Best of success Nonsensical!