It leaves me things to think about if I am to make this the last time I determine that I am done.
Originally Posted by Dee74 Analysis is great, but too much analysis is inertia - you don't want that, Nons. Your AV might though? Dear Non, You said you weren't going to drink again but you did, so you shouldn't commit to that again. You'll need to take quite a bit of time and figure out the puzzle of it all before you can actually quit for real. It's a big commitment, not one to be taken lightly, so slow down. Think it through. I'll be here to help you. Love, Your Beast |
Hi nonsensical, love your posts around here. Just wanted to let you know. I know I am the type to fall off completely at trying to change. Like being on a diet and then eating one bad meal. Which leads me to eating poorly for a week. Here's hoping you do not do that and use this experience to add a tweak or two that keep you going down the sober path. |
Someone else's post had me nodding: This 'beast' shouldn't be personified as an impish little furby sitting on your shoulder like a toucan. This thing is like that wolf-monster from Neverending Story. I went to the top of the Sears Tower once, to the Skydeck. I was admiring the view when the man next to me said "I don't have a FEAR of heights...but I do have a RESPECT of heights". It made me laugh - but he's right. I like parts of all recovery programs. But personification of my addiction is not something I like to do. I'm not afraid of it, but I do respect my condition. This "beast" is far more than a wolf in sheep's clothing, it's a slowly spiraling death trap filled with insanity, tragedy and frustration. This monster is more terrifying than anything I could imagine hiding under my bed as a kid. This is real. Respect yourself. Respect your condition. And congrats on coming back here like that and posting so honestly by the way. Really cool, well written and it was helpful to me to see "inside your head" there, as well as the other posters'. Very cool. Keep it up. |
This monster can kill you...but IT cannot do it without your help. I give zero respect to addiction. |
Nonsensical thank you for posting so honestly about this. I'm at just over 60 days and my AV was getting quiet so I was starting to get a bit blase about him, this is a heads up to do no such thing. Your candour is appreciated. Best wishes. |
Dear soberlicious ~this is great. Non, really hope you hear this ♥ "Dear Non, You said you weren't going to drink again but you did, so you shouldn't commit to that again. You'll need to take quite a bit of time and figure out the puzzle of it all before you can actually quit for real. It's a big commitment, not one to be taken lightly, so slow down. Think it through. I'll be here to help you. Love, Your Beast"
Originally Posted by [B bigsombrero[/B];3957202]This 'beast' shouldn't be personified as an impish little furby sitting on your shoulder like a toucan. This thing is like that wolf-monster from Neverending Story. I know that this is one nasty beast, one that I am fighting on a daily basis. Hope today is a good day for you Non! Love V xx |
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
(Post 3954472)
And just like that I seemed to completely forget that I'm an alcohol addict and I went in and ordered an IPA. Then another. I went grocery shopping after 3 pints. Then after shopping I went to another bar on my way home, and had 3 more pints. Then I took a six-pack home. sorry to hear that you deceived yourself yet again that's a lot of beers not sure if you were driving could have hurt somebody or gotten a DUI |
Originally Posted by soberlicious
(Post 3957186)
What else do you need to think about?
Originally Posted by Fallow
(Post 3957196)
Here's hoping you do not do that and use this experience to add a tweak or two that keep you going down the sober path. |
I will point out that this was a much shorter relapse...than the sleeping in the bushes incident... But i am fearful you could harm yourself and others by driving....you may not realize it but you set yourself up.... I picked up on your av thought of buying beer "for your son" after manual labor last weekend...that might be your trigger...reward beer...manly. I don't think family events will trigger you....it is a lot of drama...you don't do that. |
Thanks for sharing Nonsensical, you've certainly been (and continue to be) a huge help on my journey. |
Originally Posted by Fandy
(Post 3957440)
I picked up on your av thought of buying beer "for your son" after manual labor last weekend...that might be your trigger...reward beer...manly. Something to consider, though. Thanks! |
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
(Post 3957121)
I have determined that I am done. Several times. It leaves me things to think about if I am to make this the last time I determine that I am done. :) There really is no secret trick to quitting drinking. As for quitting forever, same deal really, its not rocket science. Quit means quit. Not being forever simply means there are conditions on the quit. Conditions breed doubt and doubt creates room for AV to flourish. So its an uphill battle without the forever included with the quit. For me, what happened to you was more just an extended time of addiction ambivalence in play. I doubt many will agree with me, but nonetheless. Move past this, Non. Shake it off. Get back to where you know you gotta be with yourself to get this thing behind you. Quitting works. You already know that for yourself. The rest is just wrapping things up and standing tall knowing you're still okay with yourself. Take it easy. |
Ok well that is a lot of different advice... :c024: Great advice... but now let me tell you the only advice that matters...MINE. :rotfxko Just Kidding but, here is the way I see it. I drank a few months ago. I DID CHOOSE TO DRINK. I was kind-of in that fugue state they talk about in the book but, come on I can only take that sooo far. I was not possessed by a spirit from another world... I chose to drank. I knew probably a week prior that I was not "happily sober" as many people on SR pointed out to me. However, I had a BP.....NOT!!!!! So, what changed this time. Well I did do lots of thinking but, it all came down to this: I really hate who I become when I drink. I am a whiny b**ch. I am often a whiny b**ch sober as many of you know but, so much worse when I choose to consume alcohol. Drinking for me is a high risk/ low reward behavior. So, did I make a better BP? Nope. I picked a BP that worked for me that includes the word now. When the beast acts up like it tends to do I say "Well I never drink now". Damn, its still now.... ok so no drinking. I dont know Non but, adding that now made me feel ok with it. This works for me now and later I may be able to drop the security blanket of "now". My RR friends are seeing some AV there I suppose and you all may be right. Am I placing a condition on sobriety that says when I can jump back and forth in time and live in a parallel universe then I can drink? Maybe. There are other times I am bored or lonely. I dont think I am going to drink but, I do think damn I am bored. Last month I went to an AA meeting when this happened. Other times I go for a walk or take a hot bath. AA in no way determines my staying sober but, sometimes its nice to be somewhere that I "fit in". I am a drunk. So are they. I am currently doing a lot of things to ensure my sobriety. A huge part of it is logging on to SR and reading newcomers, blogging if need be, or keeping my thread alive when I notice beast activity so others can point it out. Point is I dont know if you need a BP or AA or whatever. What I can almost guarantee is that you need to be sober whatever it takes. :You_Rock_ Think all you want, analyze all you want but, dont use anything as an excuse. You chose to drink and you can choose not to. Jess |
Thank you for posting this. My AV was talking to me about having a beer yesterday morning too. I didn't even drink beer really. It was ridiculous. |
Originally Posted by jkb
(Post 3957700)
What I can almost guarantee is that you need to be sober whatever it takes. :rotfxko I guess since I was on the recovery forum posting and calling my actions on Monday "stupid" it would be assumed by everyone that my ultimate goal is to not drink. However, that seems to not be the case. The few days I want to spend thinking about a plan are not to consider whether or not I will return to a life of drinking, but how to improve my approach to maintaining sobriety so that I don't have any more day 1's. |
Awwww, Non, we just want you to be okay. It's not our fault you're such a lovable member here at SR. You and your darn wit...and...and....BACON! |
Easy there Non.... only said "almost" because I dont think I am in any place to be telling anyone.."YOU NEED TO BE SOBER, RIGHT NOW". Thats your decision and yours alone... And I get ya. Like I said before think away. You are more than capable of figuring it out. :c032: |
Non, yeah, that is the trouble spot: you have determined that you are done. several times. if determination that you're done is all it takes, then you ought to have been done after the first time you determined you were. then there would only be one time of that determination. this was such a sore place for me for so long. determined. committed. decided. absolutely. and then walked into the store and bought the stuff. what will you do with this? easy to say in retrospect "oh, my big plan couldn't have been the real one." not really different from saying"oh, i guess i didn't work the program right, or i wouldn't have drunk again." just some thoughts. interested in yours. |
I guess since I was on the recovery forum posting and calling my actions on Monday "stupid" it would be assumed by everyone that my ultimate goal is to not drink. Noone trying to beat you down Nons - I think everyone just wants you 'back' ASAP. D |
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