Manta and John, I really believe the depression is related largely (although not entirely) to drinking.
For me, drinking = :abcd:
I have seen the pattern in myself so many times. The days following drinking (especially binge drinking) are truly awful. And the AV says what the eff, I feel so terrible/dismal/guilty/sad/life is futile/etc that I may as well drink anyway,because what’s the point? It all sucks anyway. But the AV is a very accomplished liar. If you can bat through the first week or so, you do actually start to feel a little less awful. I won’t say I feel great at day 10, but I’m a damn sight better than last Monday on day 1.

But we can’t do it alone. I’m reluctant to take antidepressants due to previous side effects too Manta, hence me resisting. I’ve tried a few different types and it wasn’t good.

But I am booked in to see a psychologist next week and I’m going to see if some counselling sessions might help. I know it can be so hard to stay sober, especially in the early days, but the after effects of drinking are way worse than the pain and sadness that I’m trying to numb out. The numbing/alcohol buzz is very temporary and the pain afterwards is more intense and the despair that overwhelms me in the days following drinking is just not worth that temporary buzz/pain numbing.

If you can get through the first week or so, the bleakness tends to lift a little (if not entirely go away). Perhaps it’s worth seeking some counselling to help?

I was looking through old photos recently and saw a photo of myself at 13. Apart from the usual teenage stuff, I was a bright, happy, sunshiny kind of girl. I lost her when I started drinking at 15. I’m going searching for her again, I know she’s still in there somewhere, buried under years and years of alcohol use and abuse. But I caught a glimpse of her in that photo, and it gave me a seed of hope. The other thing is, I decided that I need to do things that bring me joy. Things out in nature, in the wilderness, in the forest. So I’m planning future things to do that I can look forward to.

Thanks Gettingcloser. Stay the course. Stay sober. It’s so much better than having to claw your way back up towards the light again when drowning in a bottle. It’s potentially doable, but it’s really really hard work. Staying sober is a WAY better option

How are you Maysters going ?
Sending everyone lots of support ❤️

All good here Willow :)

All is well! And you?

I’m good Dee and Gettingcloser.
Day 12 today, Friday 13th :) and I’m feeling a world better than last week :)

Dee can you still get tp ok down there?
We still can’t get it here which is weird, because the trucks are still running supplies up north. Unless people are buying it as quickly as stocks fill up perhaps....

The TP crisis seems over - there were several dozen packs in my ALDI - but now it's staples we can't get - tuna, rice, pasta etc

D

From Monday all events with crowds over 500 are cancelled here in Australia.
Schools are still open, except those with confirmed coro cases.

It's about slowing the spread, while trying to keep things as normal as possible.

D

Thanks Bumble :)
Thanks for the update Dee.
Apparently the tp is coming in, but going out as fast as it comes in. Limited to one pack per transaction. I still haven’t found any, went to 3 different supermarkets today. But my partner found a 4 pack somewhere :)
No tissues or hand sanitizer left either.
Limited to one packet of pasta and rice now too.

I agree Bumble, I’m soooo glad not to be worried about running out of wine! :)
That would have been my biggest worry before.

I’m starting my third sober week again. Day 15 today :)
Feeling positive, although anxiety is still an issue. It seems to have escalated over the weekend, possibly associated with the uncertainty at the moment.
Although staying sober at the moment is more important than ever and my resolve to work through this depression/anxiety jungle soberly remains firm

Day 1 again here. I already posted in the weekenders so won’t repeat it all here suffice to say I royally screwed up again. I’m sick of the sound of my inner dialogue, sick of hearing myself say “I need to sort this” and not sorting it. So bored with my own bull$hit! Hope everyone else is doing ok x

I may have shared before how many weeks I tried year after years to quit.
I really believe that never giving up,coming back again and again is half the battle ML :)

Is there anything you learned in rehab that might be valuable now?

D

Everything I learned at rehab is valuable now to be honest Dee. Meditation and exercise being a big one to start with. Not only will exercise keep me busy it’s vital for my mental health right now. I have to get my body to start producing some feel good chemicals for itself and this is a good way to do it.

I also think it will be good to get out of my muddled head. Some of the other tools are more around getting inside and trying to work out what’s going on but I kind of know what’s going on and there is little benefit right at this moment in turning it over and over. Although after a few days walking I might be in a better headspace to do that healthily x

we're here for you :)

D

It’s so good that you’re here posting Manta :hug:
I screwed up repeatedly too, and felt worse every time.
The exercise is a really important part for me too. In fact thanks for the reminder, because I’ve dropped the ball on that this week and have felt my mood to be low and the AV came calling today. I squashed it, but the reminder about exercise is a very timely one for me. I need to get out there exercising again myself :hug:

Yes Willow, same here, each binge is getting worse, closer together and the consequences are getting more serious too. I am on the verge of creating consequences that will have a significant and negative impact on my life that I won’t come back from in the sense that I will totally loose myself back into addiction with no desire to be sober. I don’t want that. x

I don’t want that either Manta. For you or for me. I know what you mean too, last time I felt really hopeless, and I felt I may as well just be a drunk, I didn’t care about anything, not even myself, and the AV was so insistent. I had very little will or desire to even live, let alone live a sober life. I could easily have gotten lost down that rabbit hole of addiction until it destroyed my life entirely and killed me off.

But a spark in me brought me back to SR again, and the people here, especially Dee helped me realise that I am worthy of so much more.

I’m eternally grateful to you Dee for all your support and also Suze in other threads, and everyone on SR who has been supporting me through the rough times.

I’m on day 19 today, and I’m counting the days because every one is taking me a step further away from that place of despair. I know that alcohol largely put me in that dismal place, and I don’t ever want to go back there. Alcohol tries to trick me that it’s the answer, but it’s not, it’s the problem. The answer is sobriety. And in our weak moments, we need tools to fight the AV because it’s a liar and will bring us nothing but misery.

SR, regular exercise, healthy food choices (with tasty treats on hand as anti-AV weapons. My strongest weapon is icecream). Reading (“This naked life” and similar books helps me) counselling or some other way to work on recovery.

SR is my main support ❤️
We’re in this together :grouphug:

Hi Bumble :wavey:

Yes the cloud is lifting for me :) Day 20 today :)
The anxiety has been a bit rampant and I’m trying different ways to deal with it. I saw the psychologist last week and she’s given me a couple of short term tools to help cope “in the moment “ with anxiety as it arises, and we are going to tackle the underlying issues over the coming sessions. Hopefully I will get at least another one in before we go into lockdown.

Things are getting freaky here, it’s really hard to get staple items from supermarkets, even with the limits in place for one only of : toilet paper, tissues, eggs, pasta, rice etc. Still empty shelves everywhere :(
I think they’re restocking but people are still panic buying and hoarding.
I think we’ll likely be in lockdown soon.

Bumble I’m glad your husband will be home this weekend :hug: It must be very challenging trying to homeschool little ones on your own. You’re doing an amazing job. Try to squeeze a little “me time” for yourself in there somewhere. Looking after yourself is really important too ❤️

Lovely to see you Bumblebee xx

The food situation is getting dire here too Willow. Trouble is with the hoarding I am having to venture out way more often than I would normally as there is nothing there when I get there and then have to try again the next day. If people weren’t doing that Everyone would just shop once a week which would also cut down the transmission risk hugely too. What can you do though?

Before Xmas I got some Huel which is a plant based shake you make with all the essentials vitamins/minerals/protein and carbs to keep healthy so I am replacing a meal a day with that just to reduce the need for the food that I can’t get anyway!

Keep strong Willow, Bumblebee, John and any other Mayster lurkers xx

Manta the shakes are a good idea actually. I might look at something similar...
You’re right about if everyone just did their normal shopping there’d be enough for everyone.
I asked a shop assistant when I could get toilet paper. She said that you need to be there 5 minutes before opening time and join the mad rush because they only stock up overnight and it all sells first thing in the morning. A mad dash with a heap of other people all scrambling to buy it sounds like a prime way to share virus IMHO. Hmmmm.
Some people must have garages or spare rooms full of toilet paper!

It’s crazy times.
I’m struggling with anxiety at the moment, and the situation has me feeling like I’m constantly in a state of low - medium level anxiety, with peaks when I think too much or when I get overwhelmed. It’s something I really need to find ways to settle down, because anxiety is a trigger for me,

I think I need to get outside and get walking, like you suggested Manta. Every day.

Walking / exercise has a chemical reaction in the brain so it’s one natural way to release some cortisol which is the stress chemical and produce dopamine the feel good stuff. It’s better than nothing and I have to do something before I crumble! Been reading up on cold showers too as this is proven to have a big effect on reducing anxiety and depression... x

I think most of us are at that constant level of stress Willow.

It's normal and natural to feel it in this time of fear and uncertainty - but we can't drink on it.

Things like exercise, reading, favourite shows, hobbies projects, even house cleaning help me.

Thanks Dee and Manta.
Yes I think we’re all feeling stressed about the current uncertainty.

I agree about exercising and doing things we enjoy. We need to keep doing things.
I don’t intend to drink at all. I have no wine and won’t be going to get any.
There’s beer here (my partner’s) but I had zero interest in beer even when I was drinking. A former drinking buddy told me yesterday she bought 12 bottles of whiskey to tide her over and she was still quite worried she might not have enough if we go into lockdown. Ugggh. Thank goodness I don’t have to worry about running out of grog, just another stressor.

We need to get through this sober. I’m thinking about going for a walk.... it’s nearly 2pm and it seems quiet out at the moment.

Bumblebee. Willow mentioned she was popping back to the 2018 classes and I figured I would check for "familiar faces". I am so glad you are doing well. Have you been sober since May 2018? It appears so to me and that is wonderful.

Anyway, I wanted to say thank you. :tyou You were a big part of my success in the spring/summer of 2018 and that period seems to have given me enough of a window into sobriety to want to really fight for it. It has been quite a process. Been finding support in the Jan 2020 class this year and have made it back to 80 days.

Stay safe and sound. The world has changed a bit since 2018.

Hi Wolfie :wavey:

And I popped into the 2018 class of June too Bumblebee :)
I hope you’re going ok :hug: x

Hi everyone!!!!

Wolfie - yes. Yes, I have been sober since May 2018. It has been an interesting ride. Good and bad. Ups and downs. But overall, definitely more ups then downs.

It is an amazing feeling on the inside of my heart to hear that I was part of your success. Amazing work on 80 days! I am still on your team, cheering for ya!

Life is crazy. Not crazy busy (like usual).... crazy scary and unknown. My girls are officially not going back to school this school year. Online instruction begins April 13th. My first grader will finish the school year from home, online.

We are all adjusting to the new norm in our home. My brain has been having a difficulty slowing down to enjoy this down time. I was up this morning at 5:00 am.

I had a horrific headache the past few days. It finally lifted yesterday. Makes me grateful for my health right now.

Well guys - know I think about you all often. I hear my youngest little feet coming down the steps... and I know she is going to want her good morning hugs.

Stay safe everyone
Bumble

you too Bumblebee :)

D

Lovely to hear Bumblebee :)
It’s a very different world these days that’s for sure!
I’m up to a month sober again now and I’m very grateful to be sober in this challenging time.
Home schooling here too now. Interesting with a moody teenager in the house constantly ... :scared: :lmao