@Palmer: sending positive vibes and good luck your way for a hopeful confirmation of Plan A and if not, an even better (or several better) Plan B(s)!

Late check-in tonight. It was one of those really busy days, where nothing productive actually got done. It was a day with the family so it was productive in that way.

Newchapter, sorry about the disappointing news from the university. You seem to have a very good idea of what you need to do for yourself and your sobriety and health. On top of that you have the knowledge that you are making this decision with a clear mind. Your dream of drinking was very interesting. I have had a couple of those dreams, and they are always disconcerting. I'm not sure if it is the AV trying poke at you or if it is your more conscious mind trying to warn you of what could happen. Keep going, you are making amazing headway in all aspects of your life.

Palmer, still thinking of you and hoping the house works out. You are holding everything together so amazingly. I hope you are taking care of yourself. That could all become very overwhelming, so easily.

Numblady, it sounds like you are truly starting to enjoy life in sobriety, even while your husband drinks. That must be quite difficult. My wife isn't drinking while pregnant, of course. She didn't drink much before, either. We were both big drinkers when we met in college. She seemed to outgrow it while i grew more into it. It is fantastic how you are enjoying going to those events sober. It definitely can be fun to watch other people drink and act foolish.

I am feeling a bit better, but far from healthy. I am actually looking forward to seeing the doctor. Hopefully we can figure out some sort of solution. At least I was able to eat today.

I will check-in tomorrow, hopefully with good news from the doctor.

Quick check in and hello. Celebrated our 13th anniversary today. Went to a very nice dinner, had a sitter. Husband proceeded to get drunk and went from sweet and endearing to boorish in the course of about an hour. I guess sometimes it’s easier to tolerate than others. And some of my sunny outlook has been clouded over by the [poop] show that is work. The people around me are great but it feels like a constant battle sometimes. Anyhow I am skipping my bike class (again) to get into work super early and get prepped for a very terrible meeting.

Palmer, I too will hold out hope for the house in a way that is hopefully most karmically advantageous to not messing it up!

NewChapter, your wisdom about the events with your degree is inspiring. I have more than this to say but I will have to come back to it.

Chase, I am glad you will get to see the doctor soon, and I will hold out a lot of hope it can at least bring you some relief.

Off to bed. Y’all sleep tight!

I'm sorry about the Masters NC...I hope you'll get the chance again tho :)
congrats on your anniversary numblady :)

hope you feel better soon Chase - hi PS best wishes for the outcome you want!

D

Hi all, checking in! Numblady, am I right that you'll be hitting 5 months this weekend? Despite work and your Jekyl & Hyde husband situation, you are doing such an amazing job of embracing sobriety. It would be interesting to juxtapose some of our early posts with more recent ones, wouldn't it? Even though crap keeps happening, I feel like we're dealing with it so much better. :)

Chase, I really hope the doctor has some answers for you!!! :grouphug:

I'm still hanging in there, hotel living is definitely starting to wear on all of us, so it will be nice to find something more permanent. One upside is that I've been eating healthier lately, partly because it's so much easier to find good takeout options these days...lots of salads and smoothies. Regarding the house, we really don't have any good backups, so I am REALLY hoping this goes through. We should know more this week, now that the Memorial Day holiday is behind us. Thanks to everyone who continues to send their good vibes, I'll take everything I can get!

Hi all. Another evening check-in. Another busy day. This time I was at least reasonably productive.

Newchapter, how is it going now that you have had a bit of time to process the news from the university? Out of curiosity, have you discussed your plan for the next year with your husband? I hope he is supportive and understanding. It really doesn't make a difference, as you need to do what is best for you and your sobriety. And, no, that is in no way selfish. Your sobriety needs to come first. It would just make it easier if he is supportive.

Palmer, still pulling for you and hoping for the best. I hope you are watching for that AV to try to get you once everything settles down. The last couple times I have had really stressful situations, and nothing as stressful as your dealing with, I did great with staying sober. As soon as things calmed down, my guard was completely down, and the AV got me. It happened so easily and fast I almost couldn't react. Hopefully you are nothing like me in that respect, just be aware.

Numblady, hope you are doing well. Are the fairies still visiting regularly? That sounds like a lot of work, but, as Dee said a while ago, memories that you will cherish forever.

A couple days ago you were talking about trying to be nice but struggling sometimes. Last month you mentioned a run in with a check out person and you used the phrase "poverty of the soul." That is both poetically beautiful and very apt in describing how I feel more often than I care to mention. You are making such immense progress, because I guarantee most people don't give the way they treat others, especially a cashier, a second thought. I brought it up because early today I yelled at my daughter. She would not listen to me, at all, all day long. I was standing at the kitchen sink trying to clean something off of one of her shoes and she hit me in just the wrong spot on my ankle with a cabinet door. I held her and apologized profusely, but still feel horrible. I know why I lost it-I still don't feel great, I haven't eaten a normal meal since Friday, I am tired but still had to work out in the yard all day, and I got a bit sunburned. But, none of that makes it okay. If I focus harder on my recovery and being in control of my emotions, I can keep outbursts like that at bay.

I spent all day working in the yard because we are hosting a neighbor's kids birthday party in a couple of days. It should be fun. I am feeling even a bit better. I was able to get an appointment with a gi specialist on Thursday. Hopefully some answers, and not just a barrage of expensive tests, comes from the appointment.

I Will check-in tomorrow. Goodnight all.

Awww. I had a rough long day but I get to come on here and find y’alls sweet and supportive posts! I’m serious I feel like I just breathed a big sigh of relief just to be here and just to have people who are so kind and thoughtful around me, even if it’s virtually.

Chase, I definitely don’t think you should beat yourself up about being frustrated with or yelling at your daughter. I know you didn’t want to do it but kids are amazing button pushers and you don’t feel good. As parents I think we try to display fewer human emotions than we actually feel but we’re still human. What you modeled was genuine remorse and possibly learning from the experience. I hear real exhaustion in your voice, and I”m sure anxious anticipation about your condition and its duration and progression. Be kind to yourself like you are to us.

Speaking of which your post was so thoughtful. Not only did you say kind things to me but you remembered the fairies. They are still in business though now we are in a less frequent pattern and their printing press is broken (translation we are out of ink) so I have to write to my daughter in pen whenever she writes to them. Fortunately it’s not every night.

Palmer, that is such a good idea. To compare old and recent posts. I do tend to agree with you on the progress front. I love that this forum keeps every post. I think it’s cool. One time I saw Dee even post his very post from over 11 years ago ;). It was pretty cool. Keep us posted on the house situation!!

HI to everyone else. I got to work around 6:45 a.m. and then had a pretty long day. It actually wasn’t quite as stressful as I had feared it would be. I had been really down last night and I just turned to the big book and happened on some passages that really resonated. Just basically about asking to be shown direction for the next right thing, free of self-pity and self-interest. I am paraphrasing. But it helped me try to be open to not feeling like I have to figure everything out (or that I even can). I am very grateful I happened up on the passages. As I’ve said before I’m not religious but I am trying to open my mind to the idea of grace.

And before I go get carried away sounding like I know what the heck I’m talking about let me clear that I was driving home from an end of school party with the kids in the hot, hot Texas heat (it’s like 90 degrees right now and it’s 9 p.m.), with the kids fighting and having meltdowns really from the moment I started taking them home until now and all I could think about was coming home and guzzling a bunch of wine. I didn’t do it. I won’t do it. But although these silly plans flash by my mind less frequently now, they sure do pop up with strength now and then. I’m going to have some chocolate or whatever and ride it on out.

Thinking of all you guys! Hope you’re doing okay!

NC, how you doing?

Chase, I definitely agree with Numblady about your daughter. When I think about my mood swings in the earlier days, I was often really irritable for no apparent reason. Not to say we should go around yelling at our kids, of course, but also think about the net gain in your daughter's life which will be achieved through your sobriety, and accept some of these little bumps in the road as ways to learn and teach her that adults are human, make mistakes, and apologize (which you did).

Ooops, have to run...will write more later!

Hi All,

Slightly..uneasy..few days for me between work and life and just trying to get my head straight about things in the bigger picture. Introspection is a valuable instrument, but sometimes I wonder if it can be a destructive proclivity also. anyway, just working through some stuff, I won't be drinking, though.

@Numblady: Belated Happy Anniversary! I'm glad you enjoyed a nice evening (with the exception of hubby's progressive inebriation). I hope the 'terrible meeting' at work wasn't so bad after all. I 100% emphatically and absolutely agree with your sentiments about the relief of having the community and our little SR family here on those rough days. Many days i have almost cried with gratitude for the unwavering and unconditional support and kindness of you guys and the other members on here. It's a blessing and you guys make it so, so I would just like to echo that thanks and also send a giant hug to you!

@Chase: I'm happy you are beginning to feel a little better, but sorry that you're not yet out of the woods. Good to hear you have an appointment with the specialist, I hope it all goes well for you. As for yelling at your daughter, please don't beat yourself up! Your daughter knows you love her and as Numblady said - kids can be real button pushers at the best of times, let alone when you are in pain, haven't eaten or slept well and are under immense stress due to all of the above. I think it's more than OK to give yourself a break on this occasion! Thanks for your concern regarding my husband's support/input on my decisions. Overall, I actually think my husband is much happier that I am not taking on the Masters this year, and that I am cutting down on my workload. In general he has always felt that I take on too much and it usually means that I spend a lot of time studying, working, running about to obligations and have little free time to spend with him, which has been a source of contention in the past. As a result, he is more than supportive of the decision, but I guess it is my own concerns and doubts/intermittent disappointment in myself that are the real issue that I need to allay and with which I need to contend. Though I know I made the right choice, there is still a huge part of me that feels I am 'taking the easy way out' or being lazy or something. I don't know. Head stuff, I guess.

@Palmer: Sending ALL of the positive vibes in that case for house plan A to work out!!

@Dee: Thank you for your post re: Masters!

Good evening, once again, friends. These days just seem to keep getting away from me. I start on a chore and it leads to another and another and the next thing I know it is time to make dinner. At least I haven't missed posting, this is day 15 of 90. Thank you all for your amazingly kind words. As Numblady said, this place is an oasis. It is definitely my sanctuary.

Newchapter, it is nice that you have the support of your husband. While his motives might be a bit self serving, it is hard to be mad at someone for wanting you to be around more. Your thoughts on introspection are very interesting. It is a double edged sword. Like most things, moderation is key (which seems a funny thing to say to a room full of alcoholics). We must examine our thoughts, emotions, motives, etc. But, you can easily overdo it. Particularly in early recovery, it can be very easy to nitpick ourselves to insanity. I know I am guilty of this. You are doing an amazing thing by making these tough decisions, which you know are the right decisions for you, and sticking with them.

Palmer, hopefully you will have a bit of time for a comprehensive update soon. Praying an upcoming update contains news of a new home. How is the husband doing? Hang in there, and come visit us anytime you need support.

Numblady, it is great that you are reading the big book. You don't have to be religious to see Grace at work in all of our lives. I am religious, but I believe grace comes from and resides in all of us. When you go out with your husband and he gets drunk and you bring him home, rather than leaving him at a neighbors house that looks similar to yours, that's grace. When you come here and post positive and loving comments, that's grace. When you need a pick me up and come here to find a comment that turns a bad day into a good day, that's grace. It is all around, you just have to look. Have you started the process of hiring your deputy, at work? Hopefully that will give you some much needed relief.

I was wrong about my doctors appointment, it is Friday instead of Thursday. One extra day, but that is still very quick for getting in to see a specialist. I am thankful for that.

It turns out we are not hosting the neighbor's kids birthday party tomorrow. I was a bit irritated at first because I did a bunch of work preparing for it. Everything I did was stuff that I needed to get done but always found an excuse, so it is a positive thing overall. I was also able to go for a run today. It was a bit of a struggle, but definitely good.

It would be great to hear from some of our other sober friends- sunflower, btlover, Milly, and anyone else. If any of you have a chance please drop in. And always, thank you for all of your kind comments, Dee.

Hi Class,

@Chase: I totally know how you feel about the days just getting away from you. I am also finding the days to be passing in a bit of a blur these days, though unfortunately I feel as though I'm not getting anything concrete done. Well done on consistency with your check ins here, I found check ins particularly grounding in the first 90 days, and the commitment to 90/90 just kept my head in the right place as even a 'drive-by' post ensures that we acknowledge our commitment to sobriety and also reminds us of what brought us here to SR in the first place, so as not to stray into any danger territory and not allowing the AV to creep in with its manipulative rationalisations and denial tactics. To be honest, at 137 days (nearing the 5 month mark), I still visit every day and post almost as often, as I find that the routine and the support and interaction here is providing me with the foundation I need to stay strong, as it is still relatively early days and I have never made it past the 3/4 month mark before. It's a bit of a bummer that the doctor's appointment is another day off, but hopefully it will be worth the wait as regards good news! Please keep us posted. I'm sorry that the party has been moved, I totally understand how irritating that would be. However I think you're taking the right approach in appreciating that you've now completed some overdue work on the yard and what's better, now you don't have to worry about clean up! Well done on getting out for a run, exercise really is the best medicine.

I will be going to yoga tonight (have missed a few days due to volunteering shifts) and horse riding tomorrow which I am super excited for as I haven't been since November last year. I will be finishing up with volunteering at the end of June, and now that my evening Diploma has finished and I won't be taking on the Masters this year, I at least have more yoga and horse riding to look forward to, which is amazing as I can't remember the last time my schedule was free enough to enjoy the things I love regularly and not just squeezed in wherever I could fit them.


I agree with Chase, would be so lovely to hear from some of our quieter classmates - thinking of you all and missing your posts! :grouphug:

Just saying hi! My folks are in town. I got woken up at 4 am yesterday and am up at 4:30 am today on purpose for a workout. Sorry to be mia. I jumped on last night then promptly fell asleep. Just thinking of everyone. Especially the buddies we haven’t heard from in a long time. Sorry this drive by doesn't do your posts justice NC and Chase. But I’ll be back!

@Numblady: You are superwoman!! I have never seen 4am other than to catch a flight or..you know, when drinking! Enjoy family time and take care to get some sleep if/when you can. Thanks for popping by!

Hi all! I'm sorry I never posted again yesterday, I'm finding that I lose track of tasks and time more easily lately. It's not even that I have so much to DO, I just feel like I have so much to think about, if that makes any sense. Plus, my environment is pretty chaotic, which always leads to a chaotic mind. Luckily, it seems like the house rental is steadily moving forward, which is a really good thing. It looks like we may only have another week or so of hotel living.

Chase, I'm sorry that your party was cancelled, but maybe you should invite some people over so your clean house and yard aren't "wasted," ha! ;) I'll be thinking of your doctor's appointment tomorrow, please let us know how it goes.

NewChapter, horseback riding sounds like so much fun! I rode for many years, and I've recently thought of getting back into it since there is an equestrian center right near me. Are you taking lessons?

Numblady, 4 a.m.? I used to wake up that early when I was drinking (hello adrenaline rush and feelings of panic), but definitely not anymore. You're my hero!

@Palmer: That makes total sense and it's so important to be aware of how busy our minds are and the impact of this on our physical and psychological well being also - its not just rushing about physically that takes its toll! Mind yourself in all the craziness and churning thoughts! I'm so happy that things are finally coming together on the house front - hopefully this will alleviate some of the stress of your situation.

You should totally get back in the saddle!! I rode from the age of 6 right through school, every week and more over school breaks, and then once I started college at 17, I fell out of it as I was commuting to college and working evenings and weekends. In the years since, I've ridden a few times a year, but nothing consistent - as we all know I had prioritised drinking and partying for a few years mixed with work and study, so no time for horses. Now that I'm reclaiming some free time, at 28 I'm going back to lessons twice weekly with the intention of fulfilling my life long dream of owning a horse! I hope to reacquaint myself with the equestrian life and the responsibilities of horse care and hopefully look into buying my own by the end of the year - I am so excited!! I also think of this as a perfect time as I will be sober and no longer be wasting money and time on drinking and all that entails.

Yard full of kids. We did wind up hosting the birthday party. They are leaving soon. I will check-in later. Hope all is well.

Hello. I”m sorry to come by for self absorbed whine. Palmer I don’t know how you are doing it. I still have my own house and just having my parents here plus my husband in the room every night when I would ordinarily have protected time to just post and not have to deal with anyone has made me so crabby. It’s stupid because my parents are totally helping with the kids and they are so nice. Just extremely prone to chaos and filth. Husband and I are going on our anniversary weekend trip this weekend and instead of looking forward to it I’m kind of not really. He’s sick so he’s snorting and carrying on which is not his fault but is also kind of a pet peeve. And drinking was always such a focal point of this trip that I’m dreading that too. I just have to stick up for myself and say that there are parts where I just want to go do something for or with myself instead of sitting and watching him drink. Sorry for belly aching. Everyone around me is drinking. The room smells like wine. And I’m being a total brat to my husband instead of having a healthy discussion. I’m going to sleep in tomorrow and try to be more of a grown up tomorrow.

Take care all!

Too many kids. It is time for bed. I will write a proper catch up post tomorrow.

Hang in there Numblady. That is tough situation but you can do it.

Goodnight friends.

Hope the weekend is better for you Numblady :)

D

Thanks y’all. And seriously. Sorry for the whiny post last night. Feeling a little better after some sleep. Had a funny dream i will have to share when I’m at my keyboard. Really appreciate the kind support. Even when I’m being a whiny self pity machine!