Good Morning Classmates!

@Chase: Thank you so much for the kind words and support. I really appreciate it. It's so difficult to make decisions that go against our natural inclination and established behaviour pattern, even if we rationally know they are the right decisions, so it helps to have the support and endorsement of my sober buddies to reinforce the hope that I am doing the right thing! After my undergrad, I pursued graduate studies for 2 years part time, attending lectures in the evenings whilst working full time. The work load damn near killed me, and although I am so happy I did it and proud of what I achieved (it enabled me to start up my own business), I am very wary of going back down that road without an iron clad mindset, as I fell into a very negative cycle during that time of cyclical abstinence and binging on alcohol to deal with the stress of trying to hold everything together. I've noticed the AV sneaking back into familiar crevices lately, when I feel overwhelmed by my workload of lectures (I've just finished an evening Diploma course), volunteering, the businesses and life in general and it made me sit back and realise that if nothing changes, nothing changes. So my ego and ambition is going to just have to take a backseat for a while as I focus on the priority items, and I will just resume studies and volunteer work down the line, when I am in a better place mentally/emotionally to take it on. Hopefully this will have a long term positive effect! I'm happy that my rambling update has offered some food for thought for your own tool kit! :-) Agree with Numblady - great to have you back and posting regularly!

@Numblady: Great news about the Deputy! It sounds as though you have a solid plan to really take control of the hectic work situation and try to craft a suitable and tenable work environment. I totally agree that this approach of attacking on all fronts and addressing the issues will hopefully either improve the situation, or give you the indication and resolve to move on if necessary. Either way, you'll know that you gave it 110% and your wellbeing has to come first. Also, I'm glad someone else is as much as a coffee fiend as I am!! Hahaha I'm pretty much the adult equivalent of a kid who can be lured by candy - if there's coffee, I'll more than likely agree to anything!

Hope our other friends are keeping well. Hi All!:grouphug:

Thanks for your concern everyone. I don’t actually have much in the way of practical support. I have emotional support in terms of people to talk to, but no real hands on support except at the weekends when my partner is here.

Autism is tricky and behaviours that people tolerated or were understanding towards when my son was small provoke a much less tolerant attitude from people who don’t know us and those who do are less certain about how to communicate with him now he is six ft tall and a hormone bomb.

Having a physical disability with my knee and not able to take pain killers is a bummer too. In my job I help a lot of families of kids with all kinds of disabilities and diverse needs find supports so I do know what is out there in terms of agency supports, but much of that is focussed on younger children and then later on adults with disabilities, young people in the 16-18 age bracket get a bit of a raw deal.

Anyway enough moaning. In other news I had the first alcohol in over 4 months in my mouth today completely by accident. I went to my friend’s place for dinner, stuck to my juice and tonic and then for dessert she had made a sort of mousse cake. I took one bite and found the sponge part was soaked in alcohol a bit like tiramasu. It was the weirdest sensation and my brain perked up like a meercat, I swear I could almost feel dormant neural pathways waking up. It’s a really tricky thing from a social perspective, not wanting to offend (or spit a mouthful out), but also not wanting to eat anymore. In the end I compromised and ate the mousse part (Soooo good) and left the sponge. I guess it’s a new thing to consider, asking if things contain alcohol like I would if it were a thing I am allergic to.

I guess it answers that ‘would one sip hurt’ kind of question - yes it would. I didn’t suddenly crave alcohol, nor do I see it as a kind of slip, but there was DEFINITELY a chemical reaction for me and so there can never be a going back without ending up in the place I was 4 months ago.

Sorry for not catching up with you all and making this an all about me post?

@Scotty: I am so happy you popped by and also kind of glad you did make it a post about you! I know that you are limiting the screen time at the moment, so snippets of time to check in are few and far between, meaning that you have to make the most of them. It really sucks that your son is being marginalised in this way with regards to available supports, it must be a huge pressure for you to contend with. It really does sound like you're doing an awesome job though, and through your unique combination of personal experience, maternal resilience and love and professional experience, it sounds like you really know your stuff and that your son is truly lucky to have you in his corner (as are the families and kids you work with professionally!).

Your physical/chemical reaction to the alcohol soaked cake is incredible. It just goes to show how strong a hold it can have on us, even subconsciously and in ways that we would never have been aware of previously.

I hope you get a little bit of a break this weekend if your partner is around to help out with your son. Sending hugs!:grouphug:

Hi friends. Quick check-in. I will try to write more later. Finally back to double digits- day 10. Hope you are all well.

Congrats on double digits @Chase!

Also a quick drive by for me too. Time for a little reading and then bed. Got an early and hard (for me) bike ride. Then I’m not sure what. Maybe some work. Boo. But also maybe family dinner. Yay!

Chase, congrats on double digits!

Will talk to y’all soon. Good night friends!

Congrats Chase - have a great weekend everyone :)

D

You too, @Dee!! :-)

@Numblady: Enjoy your bike ride and family dinner!

Thinking of all my sober classmates out there!

Hi all, checking in quickly while I have a minute! When I was in my house, it was fairly easy to get some quiet, alone time every morning, to sort out my thoughts and post here. Now, I am never alone in the morning so it can be tricky! Still hanging in there, and we MAY have found a house. Fingers crossed, trying not to jinx it.

I had the most vivid drinking dream last night. I don't reallly remember the drinking part, but the aftermath/guilt/fear/trying to post here to "confess" was so real. It's been a while since I've had a dream like that (or even given a ton of thought to drinking, really). I have a heightened awareness about complacency...must stay vigilant.

Will post more as soon as I have a chance!

Ah...still alone. ;) NewChapter, I wanted to say that I LOVE your post about scaling back and focusing on balance and self-care. I went to see a therapist about my drinking years ago, and I remember telling her, "when I was drinking, I cared for my toddlers, while working full-time, getting my masters, working side gigs, blah blah blah...I can't wait to see how much MORE I can do sober!" and she was basically like, "you need to calm the hell down." LOL. She was right, and so are you!

Scotty, I have so much empathy for your situation with your son. :grouphug:

@Palmer: Fantastic news about the (maybe) house!! Sending all the non-jinxing vibes I can muster - if that’s a thing! Haha So happy for you and as ever, in awe of your gracefulness through this challenging period! How is your husband’s recovery coming? I hope the complications have been resolved.

I also had a crazy vivid drinking dream along the exact same lines - the actual drinking part didn’t feature, rather I woke up (in the dream) knowing I had drank and blacked out and experiencing all those old crushing feelings of guilt, anxiety, panic at what I had said/done and who was infuriated with me, and also the sheer heartbrake of falling off the wagon and the thoughts of having to come and “confess” here. So weird. I’m a way, I think it’s a good thing - maybe we’re developing an anti-AV that is proactively kicking in to defend against complacency or potential threat to our sobriety? I sure hope so!!

Yeah, it’s funny how many others on here seem to relate to the tendencies for overburdening and taking on unrealistic/unsustainable workload. Starting to see what was probably staring me in the face as a huge factor in my drinking all along. Unfortunately I’m now hitting the uncomfortable stuff, having to address why I throw myself into so much work and pressure to begin with, and the struggles I have with feeling that I don’t deserve to be happy. This is the tough stuff that constitutes the real ‘work’ in sobriety, I guess, after we shake the initial physical and associative triggers/cravings.

Fly by check-in this morning. Thank you all for the responses. I will make time later for a full update/response.

Palmer, huge prayers that the house works out.

Hi everyone!

Chase, thanks for the fly-by. Look forward to hearing more!

NC, do you think your dream could also be related to the anxiety you posted about in newcomers forum? I thought a lot about that thread on my bike ride. Again I may be projecting but sometimes it does feel like we hold on to self loathing because if we don’t have that, then we have to make hard choices that, well, for someone who subjugates themsevles for sport and as a way to sometimes gain value (talking about myself here) it’s hard to cultivate an identity that not only values myself but actually makes the hard choices that feel kind of, well, selfish. Even though they are not I personally find it hard to actually cut myself the slack, to prioritize what I need because then really what is my identity, and am I being a lazy bum, and I CAN do a lot more so why shouldn’t I, that kind of thinking. Anyhow, I really hope all went well tonight/last night (as I think with the time difference you would read this in the morning). You are doing such amazing stuff to protect your sobriety. Hoping for you that you can maybe sit back, pat yourself on the back and feel good about it.

Palmer, oooh girl I cannot imagine how topsy turvy things are right now. I’m grateful you get even a little time to post. Impressed that you are viewing the dream through the lenses of possible slippage. Very self aware. You’re also to almost 150 days, right? Or are you there? Super cool regardless.

Scotty, just wow. You carry so much weight on your shoulders. You really do not ever seem like you are moaning or complaining. In fact it seems like you may spare us some of how hard it must really be for you. Please come around any time you need more emotional support. Guess none of us can do much in the way of hands-on practical support but if it is practical to come and just vent about whatever you want then hopefully we can at least offer that.

Let’s see. For my day I got up and did a super hard bike ride for 4.5 hours. Well minus about 15 minutes when it was so freaking hot that I stopped for a popsicle even though I was right by my house because I just didn’t think I could make it without one. I am excited that I am finally getting in better riding shape. It’s what I was just sort of waiting to have happen unto me versus working to effect back in the drinking days. Granted some of that was having itty-bitty kids, and I still have a lot more to do. But I am really proud when I can keep up with the fast guys and drop a lot of the men. I struggle with this...wondering if it’s good to feel proud or bad to dwell in my ego. Either way I thought a lot today about how there are so many opportunities around others to be kind, to reach out, to be open to feedback. And I regularly do not take those. I thought a lot about how I have a lot of work to do. I want to find a way to get to AA but I’m just not figuring where I can fit it in to my current life. I think I read there are online meetings but I think that feels far less appealing than an in-person thing. Unless you had already been to a bunch and were kind of further along. I had a very frank conversation with my bike buddy today. I mentioned my upcoming anniversary trip with my husband and how different it will be to not want to go to the wineries and she only just then got that I was really not drinking. I was really honest with her about hopefully stopping for good. She asked me point blank if I was going to meetings and I said that I wasn’t but I was definitely open to it. She asked me if I was an alcoholic ... I feel like there was more context in our conversation that I’m not remembering...it didn’t feel like I was being asked unduly personal questions even though that’s kind of how it sounds when I write it. Anyhow, my response to the alcoholic question was just: who cares? Who cares what I call it if it took up way too much of my brain space and wasn’t making me happy? I just don’t want to do it anymore.

That felt good. But like I said there were other times in the ride when I felt like I was just kind of a jerk. Like someone called me out on something in the group that I really think she was wrong to say but instead of being open to it I just sort of put her in a space in my brain where I judged her rather than thinking about what my role was. I talked about her to my buddy who is much nicer than I am. I don’t know. I’m back to my thing with the store clerk like a month ago. I don’t want to be the petty petulant person. I want to be the open but self protecting bad a** friend, mother, wife, worker, etc. I hope to be. Actually I’m already a really good worker. But I need to work on the other stuff :)

Saturday night people!!! Saturday night! Time to post on SR while your cat lays on the bed because THAT is what party people do.

Sending happy thoughts and hugs to all!

Hello all. I'm afraid this will be another quicker check-in.

Rest assured that I am reading every word all of you post.

Newchapter, I hope your function was good and that you were anxious about nothing.

Palmer, always thinking about you and your situation. I hope your husband is better and that there is movement on the house issue.

Scotty, sorry you continue to have difficulties with your son. Like numblady said, I bet you are quite restrained when you post here. If you need to come and unload we are ready to listen.

Numblady, thank you for such a wonderful update. It sounds like you are making such progress with your cycling, your overall fitness, and of course your sobriety.

I am suffering from relatively severe gi issues. This has been an on again off again issue for the last 5 years or so. It actually seems to pop up when I have been sober for a few months, so I don't think it is alcohol related, but I know drinking can only make it worse. Unfortunately we have not been able to find a root cause, after many tests including blood work, ct scans, and many others. I will be going to the doctor early in the week, after the holiday. I will likely be laid up on the couch for a day or two, so I will put together a more comprehensive update. No drinking and very little AV, at least while I am feeling horrible.

Good morning all.

I hope everyone is having a better holiday weekend (US holiday) than me. My gi issues continue. It has settled down a bit, but is far from resolved. I got very little sleep last night because of pain and frequent trips to the bathroom. I worked yesterday, and barely made it through the day as my condition began deteriorating. I was supposed to work Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I wound up having to call out sick. I hate having to take sick time, so that by itself is causing great anxiety.

This, or a very similar and likely related, gi issue hit suddenly about 5 years ago and persisted for nearly 9 months. During that time I was miserable. I lost about 30 pounds, but not in a good way. After lots of tests all the doctors could come up with was that I had some sort of pseudo obstruction in my mid gi. I was not drinking during that period, so it is most likely not alcohol related. After that i was healthy for about 2 years before the issue returned. Luckily, that time it only lasted a few days. This time the issue came on about a month ago, got better after a couple days, came back after a couple weeks, got better after a couple days, was better for a week, then came on yesterday. I didn't feel bad enough to go to the ER, so I won't be able to see my doctor until Tuesday or Wednesday.

Other than the associated discomfort, this whole ordeal is giving me immense anxiety and stress. I am horribly afraid of a full on repeat of what happened a few years ago. I am also very concerned that I had to call in sick over a holiday weekend. I will have to have my doctor fill out the paperwork to have this absence as a certified medical leave rather than just a sick call. I'm sure that won't be a problem, but it will cause lots of stress and worry until it is done.

I don't think this issue is directly related to my past drinking, but I have to wonder how much damage I inflicted on myself. How much of this did I do to myself? Even if it is only a very minor factor, this is yet another way alcohol is stealing time from my family life and keeping me from being a good parent, and having a productive life.

The silver lining is that I have never wanted a drink less. It is time to get truly healthy. At a time like this it is difficult to forgive myself for having a relapse.

Sorry for the long post. Thank you all for letting me get this off my mind.

Chase I’m so sorry. That sounds very stressful and uncomfortable. It also sounds like you are doing everything right. Except maybe the possible blaming yourself. Don’t do that. Plenty of people who drink moderately, my grandma included, struggle with obstruction in GI tract. Especially when there is no known cause you can’t for a second blame yourself. Just keep looking forward as best you can. Hugs!

I'm sorry for your discomfort Chase - I hope you feel better soon.

D

Just saying hi and good night!

I had a pretty great day. Good yoga session here at home. Yard work. Work-work. Then I went to a girls night thing I have been doing on and off for around 17 years. It was mostly off there for a decade while everyone got married and had young kids but it’s starting to reawaken. The last several times my focus of course has been on getting as much white wine down my gullet as I possibly could. But tonight I got to focus on the food. I got to slow down and listen rather than try and work in what I had to say. I still talked and joked but wasn’t just waiting for other people to pause so I could get in my joke or whatever. And I tried some new sparkling waters that are...really gross. But at least now I know! The manufacturers have figured out there is such a market and it’s like every time I go to the grocery store there’s a whole new set of kinds and flavors. It’s overwhelming! In a good way! To have so many choices. None of which make you hungover the next day.

I also got to go do something sober that I always did through a booze fog: go to the boozy theater here in town. They serve yummy food and booze. I just had an “old fashioned” which was really just super strong ginger peach tea with some honey. And water. This is so different from the past where I would try to get a drink while we waited to get in and then polish off at least two glasses during the movie. It was always embarrassing because they’d come by to give us our check and me and my husband always both wanted another drink even though pretty much the whole theater was done. My husband still did but I was happy with my water. Water is so good! So is lemonade! And coffee! And tea!

I also told the guy working on our house I am in recovery. He had been talking to me about getting an addict to rehab and that being why he couldn’t come work. And how learning life lessons was something to give back if you can. So I just told him. I dont’ know why it made me tear up. It’s hard for me to reach out in a vulnerable way like that. I don’t know why. I don’t have a problem talking about not drinking or what I did before. There’s just something tender about telling a new person what I am doing if they are in recovery. I guess maybe it’s recognizing that we have that in common. And admitting it. I don’t know.

Oh crap I didn’t realize it’s almost 11! That’s like 2 in the morning to me. Good night my wonderful friends!

Hi Class,

@Numblady: You speak so much sense about holding onto self loathing as a sort of deflection from having to 'make the hard decisions'. It seems counter intuitive, but I absolutely see how many of my patterns of self sabotage, viewed in hindsight, are an alternative to having to take ownership of the difficult choice. What I need to realise (and thankfully I have) is that abdicating that responsibility to alcohol IS a choice in itself, and its the wrong one every time. I was shaking my head enthusiastically to your comments about trying to fit even MORE into your days as sobriety offered 'bonus' time - man, isn't it amazing the common themes that seem to link so many of us here?

Congratulations on your awesome progress with bike riding, I really admire your dedication and it's clearly paying off - that popsicle was WELL deserved! I don't think there's anything wrong with being proud of keeping up with the 'fast guys', it is important to identify when we are doing things that give us organic happiness as opposed to pride in the sense of comparison with others, but I definitely think that both have their place. Healthy competition can be good for us as it can motivate us to improve and develop. Once we genuinely enjoy the activity (which you clearly do) and the sole purpose is not driven by external factors such as validation or competition with others, I don't see any issue! Take your 'win' and enjoy it :-) As for feeling bad about the minor conflict rumination, I really don't think you should beat yourself up about it. Being a good person doesn't mean never standing up for yourself or asserting when you feel another person is in the wrong. You've clearly given some thought afterwards to any value that may have been contained in what the other person said, so to me that suggests that you have considered their stand point, so you haven't been entirely defensive at all. I wouldn't worry so much about it. I'm sure the other person hasn't given it a second thought!

I really love how you have begun to open up to people about your recovery, I think that is tremendously brave. I also love hearing people's accounts of how much more enriched social gatherings and outings have become now that we are free to enjoy them sober. I woke up yesterday after the party on Saturday feeling so overwhelmed with gratitude that I had not drank the night before and that I did not have to contend with the baggage that brings. It truly is a new lease on life, and I am endlessly grateful to have put those days behind me.

@Chase: I'm really sorry to hear about your GI issues. This sounds very frustrating and incredibly uncomfortable. I hope that your medical team get to the bottom of the cause soon and that you can find something to alleviate your discomfort. I wouldn't worry about work as you have a legitimate reason and your doctor will be able to complete the relevant paperwork as you say. I think this anxiety stems from drinking days when a sick call meant hangover, and we had to deal with the crushing guilt and shame, along with the anxiety and panic that our colleagues knew what was really going on. This time is entirely different, so there is no need to carry that extra burden in an already challenging situation. I hope things are feeling a little better today.


Well on my front, I got some disappointing news today - the university informed me that they do not offer deferrals for the Masters programme, and that I will have to apply next year again if I choose not to go ahead this year, with no guarantee I will earn my place. This has been a bit of a knock and makes me feel like my hard work on the application process (not to mention the associated fees) has been totally undermined. I initially panicked and thought 'oh, well I guess I need to do it this year', but now that I am processing the information, I feel that I have to trust my instinct to protect my sobriety and my well being, and apply again next year when I am ready. If it is meant for me, I will get accepted, and if not, then there is another plan for me I guess of which I am simply not yet aware.

Hi all, coming by for a quick check-in. No final word on the house yet, keeping my fingers crossed but trying to line up multiple plan Bs. Not easy, but we are managing.

Numblady, I have to say, you sound amazing. Upbeat, positive, self-aware, striving to be your best self. I really admire your tolerance of your husband's continued heavy drinking, while making sure it doesn't impact your sobriety. You go gurl. ;)

NewChapter, that's a bummer about your Masters application, but you sound balanced and reasonable about it. :grouphug:

Chase, I'm so sorry about your GI issues. That sounds terrible, but at least it is quieting your AV for the moment. I know Milly had similar issues, so hopefully she will chime in soon!