Class of April 2015 Part 12
 

continues from here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-11-a-20.html

D

Thanks for the new thread, Dee!

Inc, how are things with you and your fiance today?

Thanks D.

Hope it's going well for you all.

OMD

Late night at work tonight. There are a lot of differing bugs and flu going around now. I seem to have a little better resistance to a lot of these now since I stopped drinking. Anyone else notice a change in how often you are getting sick?

SG, most definitely as a general rule - I have kept going while others have been dropping - but right now I am sitting with a pounding headache and sore throat. This feels like it's going to be a big one :(

Oh well at least I am not sticking a hangover on top.

Interesting to see folks doing a dry January. Lots to reflect on there.

Anyhow, I hope you all have a wonderful and not too chilly weekend.

OMD

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you!
I am so sorry I have neglected checking in here over the holidays. I hope everyone had a fabulous holiday. We are home now, and it's been bitterly cold -45C cold! The kid has been home for 2 days as the school is closed. brrrrr

Nothing new to report other than the fact that I love my sober life and that I have a tooth ache. Yay.

xo
cauli

PS: going back to the other thread to catch up!

Thanks for the new thread, Dee!

Good to see you Cauliflower! Glad to hear all remains well with you! How's it going, Inc?

I have definitely noticed that I don't seem to get sick hardly ever anymore. Touching wood having said that though!!!

Today we are having our work New Year party (I missed the boat before Xmas and couldn't get a date till now!). We are going somewhere super up-market so I hope everyone has a good time. I want to do something a bit special for my team as on site in the day-to-day there often isn't time to reflect on what a great job they do. I am hoping to take the day in my stride. As I may have mentioned, I have become something of a social recluse since quitting and tend to avoid occasions where alcohol flows freely. Having said that, last weekend I went to a party where there was moderate drinking and had a good time and last night I went out to a concert which I also enjoyed. Maybe I'm reaching a point where I'm ready to engage again. I need to take it very slowly though. I have become much more of an introvert since I quit and find it a real effort to raise my game to be bright and upbeat socially. Well, we all know that this is a long road. I'm not in a rush!

In other news, I am preparing the Cádiz-San Fernando half marathon for the end of March. I did a 16km training session yesterday. Achy legs today!!!

Great to see everyone checking in this week!

Welcome back Cauli! I see on my phone the brutal weather you are having up north. I hope the memories of a few weeks in Mexico will get you through the upcoming winter months.

Amp, I agree in that I have little interest in hanging around with people whom are getting sloppy drunk. Does that make me an recluse? I just find drunk people and drunk conversation boring and rather meaningless, since they will have no recollection of anything the next day. I choose to spend my free time growing myself and trying to be a better person.

Always busy OMD. Do you ever have any downtime?

Inc, I hope things are going well with your fiance and you two are moving forward. Please keep us posted.

Have a great day all!

Things going very well here. Fiance and I had a couple more very productive talks. Something I'm not accustomed to is having somebody I can talk to that doesn't take everything personally.

She does an awesome job of listening and trying to understand where I'm coming from. My ex was horrible at it. She would be too focused on how it effects her and would be too busy trying to tell me how she's impacted.

Just talking out my issues was a huge help. There's a lot of things on my mind that replay and are revisited over and over without any resolution. I was able to talk about many of those issues and came away with some resolutions in some cases. In others, I came away with different views or things I can do to move things along.

I'm gearing up for going "all in" to fix my issues. I am making lists for the mind, body, and spirit. My lists so far includes a body cleanse, doctor visit, blood work, psych care, church, meditation, etc.

Ive been searching for an addiction specialist. Thought I found one yesterday, but he's not taking any more patients. Something I thought of after the fact was asking for a recommendation for another doctor. I'll have to call back on Monday for that.

I've also had a revelation recently. I have ADHD. Certified. The best med I took for it was Strattera. But it's $300/month and it completely shuts down my fun factory in my shorts.

Anyway... I'm thinking Im making my ADHD worse by the volume of sugars and caffeine I consume. Well... I know I am making it worse, but I've come to believe I'm making it MUCH worse. It's very possible this may be the root of many evils.

I'm also beginning to believe gluten may be at play. Maybe not so much with ADHD, but more so with depression and anxiety.

Bottom line is, I'm making plans to do a mild body cleanse and eat wholesome while avoiding sugars, caffeine, and gluten. My fiance and I are both making plans to do a juicing regiment. We haven't decided for how long yet. We have a lot of planning to do there to make sure we get the right nutrients. Ultimately, I'll probably buy a book that will lay out a program for us.

I also check out a gym close to work. This would supplement the gym I have near home. This additional gym has sunbeds and water message tables. And it's 24hrs to boot. Would run me only $20/mo. I committed to myself that I would only do it if I can hot my local gym for 3-4 weeks first.

WTG AMP, your goals sound like they are in line with your core values, which is so important.
I too am training for a half marathon, but I have time as it’s in June 2017. I was in fact training for the 10km, but I am feeling great after my runs, so figured I could push myself harder. I hit the 9.5 KM mark while in Mexico! <3
I am more comfortable in the party atmosphere as well. We usually host a Christmas party, save for last year because I knew it would be too soon in my recovery to have a party, and this year’s party was fun. Most people didn’t over do it, and in reality, most people don’t! I’m pretty proud of myself for a decent host this year. Looking back at paste parties, I was a bit of a recluse. I didn’t interact, either because I had too much to drink and I was embarrassed by my slurry speech and really couldn’t hold a decent conversation, or I felt I didn’t have enough to drink to hold a decent conversation. My self confidence was in the tank back then and I really was defined by alcohol. I really am grateful to be free to be myself these days!

I found this video really interesting: https://youtu.be/NzVoQkPswRk
It’s part of a Mind Mastery program that I am completing. Dr. Kelly is a specialist on will power and talks about "I won’t Power VS I Will Power"

She explains how most people view their future self as a stranger….like it’s not really them, and have a hard time visualizing that what you do now, like saving money, quitting smoking, quitting drinking and drugging, benefits your future self. One way to connect with your future self is to look back to a self defining positive moment in your life and relive the feeling of how it felt and how it benefits you now. Now look forward at a future memory, like you have it now, expressing the same gratitude for having the strength and courage to achieve your goal with great compassion. This can be done in a form a letter written from your future self to the present you! It’s further suggested that this letter be placed where you can read it often, like everyday, to keep yourself focused on your goal.

Kinda cool
Do it now! Connect from within with deep breathing to activate your nervous system which connects yourself to your inner biology, and then you can ask yourself what do you want and what you are willing to do for it. Journal. Then start this exercise.

Wow Cauli...I LOVE IT!

Ive been making comments in some of my posts about having a future vision. I completely lack one and it bothers me.

I have a hard time connecting with my future self. If I had a connection with my future self, I would have more will power. It all starts with having a vision to work towards.

Thank you for sending me in this direction.

XOXO

She has an hour long presentation at Google which pretty much sums up the book... Or so I'm guessing.

Very interesting. I love this kind of stuff. Thanks again Cauli.

https://youtu.be/V5BXuZL1HAg

Hi everyone,
This thread reads like runners world or whatever these days! What a great development!
I appreciated your post Cauli - I haven't really connected with my future self. It may seem a bit strange but I am a bit hesitant to do so right now - still getting used to being who I am now as opposed to my future self. Too many skeletons and other stuff in my cupboard that I would need to confront if I was going to write to my future self. I could see it descending into a long diatribe about my past self. Not sure I want to do that. One More Day, then maybe I'll be ready to do that.

Inc, can I make a suggestion? Dont waste money on another gym membership, or indeed on anything! Cleansing is a complete nonsense dreamt up by marketing folks in my view - your body will brilliantly do all the detoxing you need. All you need to do is put the right stuff in. Avoid processed food and low fat food (it usually has high sugar content) and you have 90% of the solution right there. Make a weekly food plan, shop only for that and enjoy!

SG you're right I don't do much downtime. Never had the luxury. Something I need to work on a bit this year, I think. Maybe training for a half marathon would be a nice goal!

OMD

Thanks OMD. Any opinion of yours is a good one. Keep em coming!

This person who specializes in willpower...
Man oh man. I watched to the 1hr lesson she gave at Google. That was the bomb. Came away with a TON of notes!

Oh..as far as writing future self goes, the idea is to do it in reverse. Your future self may write what it's like being X years older. Maybe what it's like being retired. But I believe the main idea is for your future self to thank you for committing to making your future self healthier, more financial stable, or anything else you want to use will power for.

It's an exercise to connect to that person. To sense what it would feel like achieving certain goals and being grateful for it.

In her 1hr video, she gets deeper into the two versions of self. The planner, goal setter, vs the immediate gratification self. She covers how important sleep is and discusses specific studies which prove its value.

Beyond sleep, there's exercise. Specific studies with real results that are very profound. We all know exercise is important, but how it relates to becoming the person you want to be, is very interesting. And real.

For diet, it's following a plant based diet or at least a low glycemic diet. I don't think I can go vegan. But that's really my juicing plan. I've learned a lot about low glycemic diets and would very much be interested in juicing for a couple weeks so I can see how it makes me feel.

At my old job, they committed to 1 month of a juicing plan. Many loved how they felt. Several lost weight of course. Of the 8 or so people I knew who did it, only 1 stuck with it and turned vegan. I know her still today as she's my fiance's boss. She's still vegan today (5yrs) and now a marathon runner.

FWIW... That will not be me. Lol. Nope. I would rather die a few years earlier than give up steak, bacon, BBQ, or seafood.

But I would like a "reset" in a way. Get a feel for how my mind and body responds. Maybe I will like it so much that I'll drastically reduce other foods and increase vegan style foods.

Thanks Inc, great post. Thanks for the explanation. My future self can't write to my present self because I am not sure my future self will be all that happy if things go along in their current direction. Like Amp I have turned into a recluse (the opposite of my former self) and even my wife who never sees me tells me I need to get some friends. So Amp I really understand you. Sure I am healthier, have better relationships with my kids and don't put myself in dangerous situations etc. My future self will say though why couldn't I just have drunk in moderation or whatever, so as to maintain a social circle and a more balanced existence. I think my future self just wouldn't understand. I don't subscribe to the idea that alcohol is a disease and that we are powerless etc. so ultimately my future self would say it's down to a weakness in me not to have been able to control something that was literally central to my existence on this planet. My entire upbringing, have social and professional circles have, for whatever it's worth, revolved around drinking and its social aspects. Anyway, it's complex and a bit of a mess for me.

OMD

I haven't had the opportunity to check out the video yet Cauli, but the whole future self concept is interesting.

I really can relate to what Amp and OMD have said about becoming a recluse since we quit drinking. Like yourself OMD, I am healthier, have much better relationships with my kids, and don't put myself in dangerous situations anymore. But most of my social life with my friends always started with a "Stop over for a beer" or "Meet us at this bar for a drink" kind of thing. I no longer get those invites not because of any falling out, I just think people don't want to feel that they are putting me in an awkward situation around alcohol. Alcohol was both the key to opening and the bond to keeping friendships for me. I don't know how to have a social life without alcohol and that makes me sad at times. Like you said OMD, I am not sure my future self wants me to continue on the path that I am on for the rest of my life. It envisions me being a grumpy old man alone in the world, and that's really not my true nature.

Today is my birthday, and for all but the last two years, it meant a day starting with early drinking and continuing all day long with various groups of people. Birthdays are another "Get out of jail free card" given by society where it is ok and acceptable to be trashed. Oh, it's his birthday, it's cool. I am slightly nostalgic for the old days of hanging with friends and partying. I realize it's just my AV talking. I will settle for dinner and desserts with my family and remembering things tomorrow morning and feel good upon awakening.

My future self will also say why couldn't I just have drunk in moderation? I read on other threads about folks who wish that they could have one beer or one glass of wine. That's pure bs for me. If I ever drink again, I know that I am going to get rip roaring drunk. I will drink the next day to feel better. Before I know it, I will be back to morning drinking.

I am a dopamine junkie. I crave that feeling, that rush that washes over my brain. That's why our brains continually cut back on our dopamine production when we drink alcoholically and we need more and more to get less and less of a buzz. One will never ever be enough for me.

I am for the first time in my life actually trying to live in the present. As the years slip by, it is even more important than ever to make the most of each 24 hour period. Today is the chance for me to learn how to better socialize and make new friends and to actually be happy with myself and the choices that I have made and am currently making in life. My future will likely be far different than I imagined that it would be for most of my life. I am a constantly evolving enigma living life one step at a time and I know that ultimately, it will be a better life than the one I was preparing to lead, most likely ending up in jail or dead from liver damage.

It is easy to mourn the things that we have lost by not drinking. Sometimes, it is hard to remember why all of us did so in the first place. We are all good people and have to figure out how to reinvent ourselves after living most of our lives as addicts. It is scary, saddening but ultimately, joyful. We have control of how our timelines will unfold. Future self is just going to have to chill a bit to see how things turn out.

Have a great day all!

I am doing a bit of coaching for leadership at work at the moment. I am trying to break a cycle in which I allow myself to become a victim and instead take charge of situations. I need to work on self-belief and self-esteem.

It's making me realise that my main strategy to disconnect from problems in the past was to drink. Now I am like an infant, trying to carve new coping strategies out of nothing. Alcohol was such an integral part of my switching off system that I now find it hard to separate and compartmentalise. As a result, I sometimes feel suffocated by the weight of carrying challenging situations and problems around with me and being unable to switch off. They rob me of my sleep and preoccupy my mind when I should be relaxing.

I sometimes think of the post-drinking me as a baby of 21 sober months. I'm learning to walk a sober walk and become comfortable in a sober frame. I am understanding the world around me in new, vivid and often alien ways. Sure there are transferable skills from old me but there is also dangerous learned behaviour!

My future self would tell me to stick with it because what I'm doing now is what paved the way for my future success and happiness. Fingers crossed!

Happy Brithday SG!

Thanks guys
OMD

Yes, happy birthday! Can't believe I started writing my previous post with the intention of saying happy birthday and then wrote about something completely different!! That's how scatty I am at the moment!!!

Happy birthday SG!

Your thoughts look like mine around my bday. Actually... Everyone's thoughts looks like mine! It's a little erie. Not surprising I guess given the similarities right from day 1.

Anyway... I sincerely hope you have a great day.

This future self thing is really bugging me. Specifically that I have no vision at all. This was bugging me before the willpower video. That video just explained why I struggle with willpower today. Not just staying off mood altering substances, but exercise, diet, staying committed to work, house chores, finances, pretty much everything.

I feel undefined. Worse yet, I feel defined only by my past. I'm somebody who threw away a 15yr marriage, 20yr career, and failed at selling life insurance.

I'm making baby steps. Mostly, I feel, because I'm looking down or behind me. I'm not looking forward. I can't make big steps. It's amazing I'm moving forward at all really.

How do I fix that? That's what I'm working on. At first I focused on today. But very little sticks. I'm currently putting a lot of blame on the willpower issue, which brings me to my future self.

Maybe if I can connect with my future self at some level, my world opens up. I'm beginning to believe I may need to start in the middle. At least try to connect with my no so far in the future self.

Another thought is to use this opportunity to work backwards. To start with the end in mind. I've spent my life so far succumbing to the will of the universe. Very little steering on my half. I simply let go of the wheel. I don't like where that got me.

So maybe this is my chance for a redo. Why not go for the gold? Sometimes I think of running away and starting a new life in a new place. Why not? I have an entry level job anyway. I'm only a couple years into a relationship. No ring on the finger yet. Which is mostly my fault because I cannot seem to move forward. Then I question myself if that's because maybe I'm heading into a direction my subconscious mind doesn't want to go.

It's deep. Lots going on and a lot to wrap my mind around. I think the best I can do is work with today and try to push that envelope to include near term future.

I just don't want to move too far forward without knowing the direction I should be going. I don't want to end up down another rabbit hole. At 50yrs old, I feel like I don't have many more chances to get it right.

Then... To add to that mess... I realize that I'm over thinking it at times and setting too many expectations.

Also....
SG, your comment about being a dopamine junky. That's me bro. Again, everything you guys are saying I can relate to 100%. On the dopamine front, I've been learning some interesting stuff on how dopamine effects various parts of the brain. My inquiry stemmed from the willpower speech at Google. That the frontal lobe is where all the action needs to be.

I'm learning how sleep, meditation, diet, and exercise develops the frontal lobe. We all know how important each of those are.... Maybe not so much with meditation, but we do know it's beneficial.

Apparently the order of importance is:
1. Sleep 7hrs +
2. Meditate at least 10min /day
3. Exercise
4. Low glycemic diet.

I'm beginning to understand just how much of my thoughts and internal struggles are determined by which part of the brain is most active.

Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone!

I was a little taken aback yesterday. I had a period of self pity come over me."Poor me, I can't drink and have fun on my birthday anymore." I haven't had thoughts like that in quite a bit. I ended up taking a long walk in the park and that helped to clear my head.

Take care all!

That's the way, SG. Move a muscle, change a thought!

I love that Amp!

Yeah... I don't know why they're called pity parties. It's ANYTHING BUT a party.

Just had my 50th. Thats an open ticket to party till you puke, Right? I was feeling pity the day before. Found myself setting high expectations 50th birthdays, and knew I had to snuff those thoughts out and quick.

Afterall, maybe my fiance had a surprise up her sleeve. Maybe dinner out to the awesome seafood joint I've mentioned I wanted to hit a few times. Maybe get a huge, juicy steak. What right did I have to already feel pity for something that hasn't even happened yet?

I was able to successfully bury those thoughts. Wasn't properly addressed I think. Just buried. No idea what else to do really.

Well... It ended up being pretty lame alright. We ate at home. Carry out BBQ and some crab legs from Sam's Club. The girls decorated for me. That was sweet.

Past that, I got a text from my brother and my oldest son wishing me a happy birthday. Nothing from my mom or my youngest son. It was pretty brutal. Thank God a had a day head start on dealing with the pity!

I scheduled an appt with therapist for next Tuesday :)

Here we go!

Inc, it's funny you used the word "lame" to describe your birthday. Compared to most of my birthdays over the years, mine was too. Dinner with the family, a few presents. Compared to the times of all day partying, it indeed looks kind of lame. But, spending the day with loved ones who care and accept you for who you are now is pretty cool.

I have had stretches in recovery, especially the last few months, where my life seems almost boring. I eat, work, sleep and repeat the next day. Drinking brought excitement- and tons of drama too! The newness of sobriety has worn off by now and like Amp and OMD have mentioned, I really have become a hermit socially. I wonder if others at our stage run into a "Is this all there is to sobriety?" at this point. I guess the flashiness of being newly sober has been replaced by the routine of living life each day not as an alcoholic and all the hell that came with living that life. Boring, lame and reclusive are better than drunk, stupid, and embarrassing.

We are always quick to remember the good times drinking. It takes a moment to remember the constant fighting with myself, trying to hold off on my first drink until 10:00am, and failing repeatedly. Amp, I love your analogy of being a 21 month old learning everything anew. That is pretty apt. We have to learn everything all over again. Frustration is inevitable, I assume. We have to remember it is one step at a time each and every day.

Have a great day all!

Congrats on scheduling a therapy appointment Inc!

Agreed. Thankfully I had a head start on the pity party, otherwise that day would have been a HUGE disappointment. I accepted what came and looked at that carefully instead of "looking at" what didn't happen.

I'm also beginning to realize my fiance would have probably appreciated some suggestions from me. I'm not one to do that at all. I don't even like asking for Christmas gifts. I expect to be surprised, then normally get disappointed. That's so silly. Done it enough times now to know better, at least on the disappointed side. I just go with the flow and appreciate what does happen (with a little awareness and work). I'm just now realizing that things could be even better if I make suggestions. After all, I barely know what would be fun for myself! How can I possibly expect somebody else to know?

Yup. For sure. Not to mention one day of "fun" would be followed by 1 full day of hell, another day of not so much fun, then possibly a 3rd day of not feeling right. Depending on sleep, hydration, diet, and exercise. The funny part is....early on in my alcoholism, those days that followed would be viewed as positive. I would feel like utter crap, then think "Man...that was one hell of a good time!" Sounds pretty ******** to me. I'm thinking that was my addict voice trying to protect it's logic of partying hard.

You are so right. Thankfully the memories of how bad it was are still there. I think I've done a decent job of keeping those memories alive. I'm going through the same exact issue with my divorce. I am going to the phase where I remember all the good times. My birthday was one of them because my ex would have gone over the top to make damn sure I had a fun 50th bday. She would have partnered with my family.

I didn't do a good enough job of keeping the memories alive of why I wanted to leave that marriage, and as a result, I feel very strong guilt now. I was able to semi-solve that issue by talking with my former self. This exercise helped my drum up the feelings I had when I left and why.

At the end of the day, I'm looking at how boring and reclusive I am now and trying to solve it. I strongly believe doing nothing about it is not going to fix it. Maybe it will fix itself in time. But I'm looking to take an active approach instead. I'm just not sure what to do about it.

The only thing that seems most logical to me is putting myself in more social situations. I've been thinking of AA as a chance to make friends. Looking for ways to make friends at 50 is pretty hard. Oh...this reminds me that I had the thought of touching base with my family more often for now. Even facebook perhaps. I am so far removed from everyone, it's crazy. At the moment, I would be happy to be a hermit. Sounds awesome actually. All alone on an island. I'd probably never even clean myself.

I really do believe having social contact is important to our wellbeing. Something I've gotta work on and is on my short list with my therapist.