The good news is that I do not feel sad over my son anymore. The mourning does end.

I see that he chose his path and I cannot change it, no matter what. Going through the mourning has allowed me to be with him (now and again) without trying to change him, but just enjoying his presence. I only do this when he is not high. When I feel uncomfortable, I know I am moving into codie mode and I withdraw for a while.

((((( Lara ))))). Thank you.

Hi Lara,

I am harsh sometimes for a reason - realities must be heard and not sugar coated. Sorry to burst your bubble but from ALL your posts I see that there is a majority of Co-dependency in you! Yes you have great memories BUT you will destroy your life going down this path of not letting your addict go

Lara in one of your earlier posts - don't recall which you mentioned H had many woman! I also see you give him the excuses and justification for this – he was high, he was using, he was not in control, he was, he was , he was… - very CD and not right - it will fry your brain! I did this with Lesley as she too messed around with other people when I was not around. Drug use is NO excuse as the addict DOES know what they are doing! So how deep was the love in reality???? Maybe at some point there was something BUT that would have been years ago. Sorry.

My ex-wife is an example of true and proper love. She never ever was with anyone else all the years we were together. Whilst I travelled, she never betrayed my trust (I was the opposite due to my CD etc), she was normal BUT my actions did take their toll on her - she did get angry, she did withdraw, she even became controlling as she had fears of losing me - she did what any normal person would do that had been living under years of being suspicious of a liar and a cheat such as me! I lied about her to myself and to anyone within earshot, also I looked for fights with her as an excuse to justify why I was doing what I was doing with Lesley! I threatened leaving my wife ALL the time about leaving and this just made her easier to control ( I put her under huge emotional hell) – my God when I think back at the power games I played on my wife it is disgusting! She loved me so much (still does – hard to believe) and my CD and my insecurities screwed up my family and my relationships with my kids and friends, and only now am I getting to truly heal those! I was like you totally in love with Lesley (she too was “normal"when I 1st met her but she smoked dope), we shared so much and did so much together. BUT it was not real, she lived in another place removed from reality of my true life. Every time I saw her it was intense – my hormones were on fire – like any “drug” it was a high being with her (I also could be anyone I chose to be) and going back to my normal life was the low (as I now had to cope with me and my depression and insecuraties)! I realise now that my wife did try and get me to do things, did her best, did everything but I was so embroiled in all the BS that goes with an addict relationship coupled with my strong CD really just blew it.

I guess my point is this: examine your truth of what is real and what is not, what are lies and what are not – only you know YOUR truth, and if anything is not real, not the truth then face that head on and clean the slate – I did this and it was the toughest and hardest and Soul wrenching experience of my life – the weird thing is that the majority of the people I had lied to about my hidden life, about my wife etc forgave me as all they wanted was to see a family heal and for me to become a whole person! Lara it is a very tough path and you are young but by doing this now you (and your son) will have a most wonderful and fulfilling future ahead when you are (both) older.

I write on this forum because I care and it my mission in life IS to give a damn about not seeing good people go down!

Stay strong and do yourself a favour go and take some time out (a few days) and do something normal with your son and his father (if you are on speaking terms with him) – your son will love you for it and will cherish the time he had with both his parents - take lots of photo’s so he can see later on that he is loved equally. I did this with my ex-wife and daughters and it was the start of a journey of healing for ALL of us.

My prayers are with you and all that read these posts

Bobcat thank you for your reply. I do hear you Bobcat and I AM listening and taking it in. But at times I do need to 'speak up' when things are not accurate. I did not say H had been with many women - I was referring to the time he was in active addiction 'H loved women who loved cocaine'. I was commenting on myself - and how I did not 'see' the reality - and that only after joining SR did I learn that cocaine addicts are highly promiscious (spelling?). At the time I was not aware of this.... so how many women he was with - I don't know.... but I would be a fool to imagine he did not screw around when I was travelling - I will never know.

As far as my little boy - I adore him - I am a hands on mum - and have been from day one. Liam is no 1 and always has been. I have a 'home office' in South Africa so am always with my boy.... we do normal things.... it was only that time of active addiction - and when I was travelling - WITHOUT MY SON - that I was drawn into a very dangerous place with H. The times my son travelled with me - I NEVER put my son in a compromising position - NEVER!!!!! (And I am not condoning my actions of chosing to be in the car driven by someone off his face)....

But I do thank you for your input and advice!! REally I do!!! But not everyones story is the same as yours or other members - or even my story....not all addicts are bad people with no feelings and no ability to love!

Thank you for this post Lara. I had chills as I read. Your strength and courage comes through powerfully.

Remember this moment. And the pain you don't ever have to feel again.

Hi Lara,

Of course addicts are capable of love. We all are. They just LOVE ADDICTION 1st and put it above all else.

Needed to read your comment again EnglishGarden.....this is where I am at... bargaining....

Dear Lara,

What an awesome, brilliant, honest post! Reading it brought up an old memory of letting my husband, before we were married and he stopped drinking, drive home when he was drunk. Cars were honking at us and I was sitting there with my eyes squeezed shut, hanging onto my seat like I was on a ride at Disneyland. I could have jumped out at red light and called a cab or demanded to drive, but I didn't. Do you know why? I bet we all can answer that one. Because I didn't want to make him mad/upset/unhappy with me. That's kinda sick. I had two teenage daughters that needed me. Thank God I made it home. That just kind of kills me when I think about it because I wonder what it was in me that was willing to jeopardize my life in order not to upset him.

I have been there Lara & SR is a great place to be.
We are all here for you & well done for sharing your story.

Hi Branches - thank you for your comment. I KNOW!!! What frightens me is I have come such a long way - but I know the potential is still in me - to be a passenger in that car!! I have to keep living in the NOW and be absolutely AWARE - be my own WATCHER - my own keeper.

Thank you Rosiepetal - what I find 'disturbing' is that I need to go back to this thread to remind myself of EVERYTHING!!!! To keep reminding myself that even if H is currently in recovery (and I use the term lightly - as mentally he is not practising his recovery - rather just abstaining - and I know it is not the same thing) - but I have to keep reminding myself that he is STILL an addict - with the potential to slip down that dark, slope - and be in that Range Rover again. And then I feel 'guilty' for doubting him so much.... Ten steps forward and nine steps back.....

OMG, Lara....thank you SO, SO MUCH for sharing this!! So powerful, brutally honest and so very inspiring!! And as you said, there are many similarities between our stories - I identified with so much of it. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes, just...stunned....as I realize how LUCKY I am that he broke it off with me before I got in any deeper or he got any worse. I, too, was addicted to him - lived and breathed for him, for the next time I'd hear from him so I could get MY fix. I would come home from work, eat dinner (usually gulped down because if and when he called, it was ALWAYS spur of the moment and I had to hurry up and get ready and get my butt over to his house - I feared if I took too long, he'd change his mind and tell me not to come) and then I would sit the rest of the night and WAIT. Wait for that text alert to go off or work up the courage to text him first, which many times would result in him asking me to come over...and of course, why wouldn't he ask me over?? I was freely offering myself up to him, to use as he wished - not many sober men would refuse that, let alone one who was drunk and high. And this happened night after night after night after night. And more often than not, I DIDN'T hear from him. So I'd swallow my disappointment, go to bed (because I was depressed and didn't want to think) and do it all over again the next day. Except for Sundays....Sundays I knew I'd NEVER hear from him, because he'd usually be crashing on the couch all day to sleep off his Friday and Saturday night binges. I couldn't even send him a text on Sundays, because it was guaranteed that I would NEVER get a response - he was so BLAH that he couldn't even be bothered to respond to a simple text.... Yes, I was addicted to him and although I'm still going through 'withdrawal' from him, I'm getting stronger every day.

But I feel for you, because you were actually in a serious relationship with H. Mine would never give me the satisfaction and recognition of saying I was his girlfriend. I haven't read all your threads yet, and I'm sure I will find out the answer when I do, but are you still with him, or were you able to walk away and move on? Either way, it really hit home with me tonight and I think was just what I needed to read in light of all the guilt and conflicting emotion I was feeling today after this latest incident of my addict texting my brother today. Again, THANK YOU, Lara, for sharing this and suggesting I read it. :)

:You_Rock_