Liar, Liar, Range Rover on fire!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Liar, Liar, Range Rover on fire!!
I joined SR when ‘the love of my life’ – H - after 15 or so years of a very close friendship, which became intimate about 7 years ago – screamed at me a few weeks ago to ‘get the hell out of my life’. H became addicted to cocaine in 2007. Admitted himself into rehab in 2011 – and has been in ‘recovery’ for almost a year.
I have only been a member of SR for a few weeks but what a journey so far - a spiritual journey and a journey of truth. For the first time in so many years, the smoky veil, which I wore so tightly around my eyes, is being lifted and I can see clearly again.
I cringe when I read back on my posts. Full of lies and secrets. I realise the past 5 years with H have been a lie. Through the incredible support of SR members and the brutal sharing of truths – I woke up this morning, ready for the first time, to share my story. The real story. I did not intend to lie in my earlier threads; “We love each other unconditionally’; ’H was such an incredible support to me’; ’I am not that co-dependent’; ’I never enabled him’; ‘I have never been an addict’; ’I have always put my 4 year old first’! I was in such deep denial I could not see the truth.
Yes, when I first met H he was an incredible friend. What drew me too him, when our relationship evolved into an intimate one, was when my darling, beautiful 23 year old brother and his girlfriend were killed in a car crash in 2003. My world collapsed. Our dad had only died a year before (Dad was an alcoholic) and I believed things couldn’t get worse. H was there for me and my family. He made the dark days lighter. He was always full of life. With a magnetic energy, and a charm, and smile which would fill the room. The women adored him – and this was part of the attraction I suppose. I was flattered that H wanted ME. Our relationship was intense, loving, sexual, but bound by friendship I always felt safe and ‘in control’. We played together, laughed together, supported each other intellectually and emotionally. We understood each other. His dad too was an alcoholic. I was in love. H was in love – with ME!
Then within a week in 2007 H’s dad died. His best friend was killed in a crash and the wheels came off. An alcoholic binge led to cocaine. He was hooked from the start. And over five years I watched this beautiful man lose his grip. Lose himself. Only now I look back and ask myself “who was watching me? I was losing myself’. I stayed. I supported. I begged him to go into rehab. I look back on those years now. During his active addiction he was not my friend. He did not love me. He loved cocaine. He loved women who loved cocaine. Yet I stayed. I would allow him to pick me up in his Range Rover, wired out of his mind, driving at over 180km/hour. Where was I??? Sitting next to him praying the airbags would work if needs be!! Can you ‘f…ing’ believe a ‘sensible’ girl like ME would allow this? I sounded like an addict myself. The voice in my head saying “this is the last time I will allow H to drive. Next time I will say NO’. Thank God there was a next time and a next time… My mum had already lost a son – and here I was – prepared to die for my H?? And here is the SICK part – sicker than anything – is I had a little boy at home waiting for me!!! (I would travel to H’s country every 2/3 weeks on business – and so leave my son with my family at home). The Angels were on my side – I never died in that Range Rover. My son never had to grow up wondering what had happened to his mum. The police never had to contact my family with the words “your daughter was found dead in the mangled wreck of a Range Rover, with cocaine and bottles of champagne strewn around”. Not yet! Not unless I get serious help!
I was always there to pick up the pieces. Literally pick H up out of his own excrement. Picked up his unconscious body, undress the urine soaked clothes, bathe him, and watch him sleep, praying to God his heart would not stop. (You might be all wondering why I did not get him into hospital – but where H lives (and where my business is) is an island off Africa – and no medical care or rehab – have to fly to South Africa for support). Where was I?? Hooked, addicted to the world of H. I put him first. I put H above all else. I lost myself completely. I became his shadow. I too became an addict. I became addicted to the life style. I never touched cocaine – but definitely drank far more than necessary. I stopped sleeping. I would go on wild benders with H. How I never collapsed from exhaustion I don’t know. He was on a chemical high – I just managed to keep going – don’t know how? Fear, nerves, believing if I was right alongside him he would not die of an overdose – who knows! I was hooked! H became my escape from my own life, my own grief, my own mortality.
My life became a secret. I was ashamed. I never told my family the truth. And I am very close to my family. When H finally went into rehab the relief was enormous. I could sleep at night. I believed that all would be okay. I never saw my ‘role’ in any of this. I never considered ME and the damage to ME. And who I really was. I ate, drank and slept H. He was constantly on my mind. I would promise myself that I would never put myself in a compromising position again – but there I was, AGAIN in his car, AGAIN in his bed having unprotected sex – not wanting to believe that his cocaine addiction meant sexual betrayal and who knows what else. I risked my health and my life OVER and OVER again.
Not until a few weeks ago when he walked out of my life, I believed he was in recovery. I realise now that he gave me the greatest gift by breaking the ‘bonds’. If you had to ask me a few weeks ago ‘How are things with H’? I would smile and say “Brilliant, he is doing so well – we talk about a future together – I am feeling so positive”. What a load of ‘SH*T’!!! I am slowly unravelling the past few months in my mind. Honestly looking at all the moments of doubt, fear, anxiety. The first few months of H’s recovery were truly good. I recognised H again. We talked openly and freely. I could see all the good work of rehab. I felt good. But the past 6 or so weeks were not good. No friendship at all. No watching sunsets or going for walks (we live in the most beautiful place, with white beaches, palm tree, baobabs and turquoise seas). He’s always too tired. And where am I? Sitting right next to him. Saying to myself “tomorrow will be okay. There will be another sunset tomorrow”.
Even the love making – what ‘love’. The tenderness has gone. There is no morning kiss. I can’t remember when he last touched my cheek. Through SR I suspect (I KNOW) he has relapsed and is in active addiction again. I had every intention of supporting him like I did in the past. But now, only because of SR do I realise I am as damaged as him. That there is no way I can possible support him – I can’t even support myself. I did not fathom how the disease of addiction runs through my veins as strongly as H’s! I just don’t absorb chemical substances – I just throw myself into his presence – and absorb the addiction through my very being.
And now here is MY truth. I am LARA. I deserve to be happy. I am a good person. I love too much. I will learn new skills to cope as an adult. I will put my son first. I will love H forever in my heart. But I will say goodbye to H forever. Thank you God and all the angels for watching over me these dark years and bringing me home.
I have only been a member of SR for a few weeks but what a journey so far - a spiritual journey and a journey of truth. For the first time in so many years, the smoky veil, which I wore so tightly around my eyes, is being lifted and I can see clearly again.
I cringe when I read back on my posts. Full of lies and secrets. I realise the past 5 years with H have been a lie. Through the incredible support of SR members and the brutal sharing of truths – I woke up this morning, ready for the first time, to share my story. The real story. I did not intend to lie in my earlier threads; “We love each other unconditionally’; ’H was such an incredible support to me’; ’I am not that co-dependent’; ’I never enabled him’; ‘I have never been an addict’; ’I have always put my 4 year old first’! I was in such deep denial I could not see the truth.
Yes, when I first met H he was an incredible friend. What drew me too him, when our relationship evolved into an intimate one, was when my darling, beautiful 23 year old brother and his girlfriend were killed in a car crash in 2003. My world collapsed. Our dad had only died a year before (Dad was an alcoholic) and I believed things couldn’t get worse. H was there for me and my family. He made the dark days lighter. He was always full of life. With a magnetic energy, and a charm, and smile which would fill the room. The women adored him – and this was part of the attraction I suppose. I was flattered that H wanted ME. Our relationship was intense, loving, sexual, but bound by friendship I always felt safe and ‘in control’. We played together, laughed together, supported each other intellectually and emotionally. We understood each other. His dad too was an alcoholic. I was in love. H was in love – with ME!
Then within a week in 2007 H’s dad died. His best friend was killed in a crash and the wheels came off. An alcoholic binge led to cocaine. He was hooked from the start. And over five years I watched this beautiful man lose his grip. Lose himself. Only now I look back and ask myself “who was watching me? I was losing myself’. I stayed. I supported. I begged him to go into rehab. I look back on those years now. During his active addiction he was not my friend. He did not love me. He loved cocaine. He loved women who loved cocaine. Yet I stayed. I would allow him to pick me up in his Range Rover, wired out of his mind, driving at over 180km/hour. Where was I??? Sitting next to him praying the airbags would work if needs be!! Can you ‘f…ing’ believe a ‘sensible’ girl like ME would allow this? I sounded like an addict myself. The voice in my head saying “this is the last time I will allow H to drive. Next time I will say NO’. Thank God there was a next time and a next time… My mum had already lost a son – and here I was – prepared to die for my H?? And here is the SICK part – sicker than anything – is I had a little boy at home waiting for me!!! (I would travel to H’s country every 2/3 weeks on business – and so leave my son with my family at home). The Angels were on my side – I never died in that Range Rover. My son never had to grow up wondering what had happened to his mum. The police never had to contact my family with the words “your daughter was found dead in the mangled wreck of a Range Rover, with cocaine and bottles of champagne strewn around”. Not yet! Not unless I get serious help!
I was always there to pick up the pieces. Literally pick H up out of his own excrement. Picked up his unconscious body, undress the urine soaked clothes, bathe him, and watch him sleep, praying to God his heart would not stop. (You might be all wondering why I did not get him into hospital – but where H lives (and where my business is) is an island off Africa – and no medical care or rehab – have to fly to South Africa for support). Where was I?? Hooked, addicted to the world of H. I put him first. I put H above all else. I lost myself completely. I became his shadow. I too became an addict. I became addicted to the life style. I never touched cocaine – but definitely drank far more than necessary. I stopped sleeping. I would go on wild benders with H. How I never collapsed from exhaustion I don’t know. He was on a chemical high – I just managed to keep going – don’t know how? Fear, nerves, believing if I was right alongside him he would not die of an overdose – who knows! I was hooked! H became my escape from my own life, my own grief, my own mortality.
My life became a secret. I was ashamed. I never told my family the truth. And I am very close to my family. When H finally went into rehab the relief was enormous. I could sleep at night. I believed that all would be okay. I never saw my ‘role’ in any of this. I never considered ME and the damage to ME. And who I really was. I ate, drank and slept H. He was constantly on my mind. I would promise myself that I would never put myself in a compromising position again – but there I was, AGAIN in his car, AGAIN in his bed having unprotected sex – not wanting to believe that his cocaine addiction meant sexual betrayal and who knows what else. I risked my health and my life OVER and OVER again.
Not until a few weeks ago when he walked out of my life, I believed he was in recovery. I realise now that he gave me the greatest gift by breaking the ‘bonds’. If you had to ask me a few weeks ago ‘How are things with H’? I would smile and say “Brilliant, he is doing so well – we talk about a future together – I am feeling so positive”. What a load of ‘SH*T’!!! I am slowly unravelling the past few months in my mind. Honestly looking at all the moments of doubt, fear, anxiety. The first few months of H’s recovery were truly good. I recognised H again. We talked openly and freely. I could see all the good work of rehab. I felt good. But the past 6 or so weeks were not good. No friendship at all. No watching sunsets or going for walks (we live in the most beautiful place, with white beaches, palm tree, baobabs and turquoise seas). He’s always too tired. And where am I? Sitting right next to him. Saying to myself “tomorrow will be okay. There will be another sunset tomorrow”.
Even the love making – what ‘love’. The tenderness has gone. There is no morning kiss. I can’t remember when he last touched my cheek. Through SR I suspect (I KNOW) he has relapsed and is in active addiction again. I had every intention of supporting him like I did in the past. But now, only because of SR do I realise I am as damaged as him. That there is no way I can possible support him – I can’t even support myself. I did not fathom how the disease of addiction runs through my veins as strongly as H’s! I just don’t absorb chemical substances – I just throw myself into his presence – and absorb the addiction through my very being.
And now here is MY truth. I am LARA. I deserve to be happy. I am a good person. I love too much. I will learn new skills to cope as an adult. I will put my son first. I will love H forever in my heart. But I will say goodbye to H forever. Thank you God and all the angels for watching over me these dark years and bringing me home.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Powerful post. It literally gave me chills. It took a lot of courage to write that and the self empowerment was palpable!
You are not alone, Lara. Many of us have been totally lost in our own addiction to the addict. You DO deserve to be happy. You DO deserve to be in a relationship with a man who partners with you in a healthy manner. You took a big step forward today.
gentle hugs and much love
ke
You are not alone, Lara. Many of us have been totally lost in our own addiction to the addict. You DO deserve to be happy. You DO deserve to be in a relationship with a man who partners with you in a healthy manner. You took a big step forward today.
gentle hugs and much love
ke
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Thank you so much for sharing Lara.
Now, every time the 'doubts' creep in, and unfortunately they will, come read this post. It will bring you back to your 'real' reality.
With this 'awakening' comes growth from now on! You go girl!!!!!! As personal face to face support you might want to try some Alanon meetings, both here at home and in the country you visit for business, so that when you are having those 'moments' you can get some face to face encouragement also.
We, of course, are open 24/7, lol
Love and hugs,
Now, every time the 'doubts' creep in, and unfortunately they will, come read this post. It will bring you back to your 'real' reality.
With this 'awakening' comes growth from now on! You go girl!!!!!! As personal face to face support you might want to try some Alanon meetings, both here at home and in the country you visit for business, so that when you are having those 'moments' you can get some face to face encouragement also.
We, of course, are open 24/7, lol
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Posts: 172
Lara, Thank you so much for sharing. It brought tears to my eyes. You have very eloquently put into words what so many of us here have experienced. Your honesty and self examination are beautiful. I needed to read this today!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by SuzyMarie 
Lara, Thank you so much for sharing. It brought tears to my eyes. You have very eloquently put into words what so many of us here have experienced. Your honesty and self examination are beautiful. I needed to read this today!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Hi Ottolunch - no he is not the father..... I was married years ago...and would you believe I had a 'one night stand' with my ex husband.... but I hence a beautiful boy. I thought twice about posting 'Liar, liar Range Rover on fire' as I am so ashamed. H eventually did crash the car - wrote it off! I have not been in 'that situation' for a long time - and will never put myself there again - but it was frightening how involved I became in all of H's addiction. I could have lost everything.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
I have tears in my eyes for your brutal honesty, Lara. It takes guts to be that honest with yourself and then sharing it with others. I am sure your post will help many others who are still in denial.
You have made a wonderful breakthough. I wish you lots of happiness from now on.
You have made a wonderful breakthough. I wish you lots of happiness from now on.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
I love reading about people's strength. Especially knowing how broken down they once were. It's like building muscles... you have to tear the muscles down and be in pain for a while before they come back stronger. Thank you for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Wonderful, Lara! Very powerful and brave to share all that. Don't live in the shame of the past. We all have addicts in our lives and have spent time caught in the madness one way or the other. It's not what happened in your past but how you go forward in your future that truly counts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
Lara what an amazing moment for you, and i hope you are feeling the strength of your own words. now to make sure you live everyone of them, and don't look back. you and your son deserve true love from someone who is worthy of you. i hope you never again have to feel value only when someone "chooses you". you should be getting that value from within. good luck and great post!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by PrayingMama
Wow. Amazing honesty. Brutal, beautiful, brilliant.
Your son is truly blessed to have you as his mother. Thank God he still has you.
Your son is truly blessed to have you as his mother. Thank God he still has you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
