Lara, you deserve EVERY happiness! The hardest thing for me was leaving my addict. I had to learn to love myself again and I was searching for that in a man that didn't even love himself.

The most powerful tool you will ever have is loving yourself and with that comes being able to walk away when you need to and nurture yourself when you need to. Keep empowering yourself and believing in yourself, you lose that a lot when you are dealing with addicts and someone needs to love you, YOU need to be there for yourself and love you most of all!

After reading another post here on SR, and coming back to this one where you share so much self-reflection, I've realized something that is helping me, that is lessening the pain in my heart a little. I hope you don't mind I share.

I was in a relationship with an alcoholic addict who was trying to get clean and sober without any program. He blames everyone else for everything that happens in his life. He cannot look at himself. Whenever I would try to talk to him about us or our life together, he would either not respond or say something like, "I'm a POS," or beat himself up verbally. We never got anywhere, nothing really changed, I didn't know what else to do, and so I just retreated into my own world.

Thank you, Lara, for sharing yourself and your self-reflections and self-honesty here.

Hi Learn2Live... thank you for your comments.... I am still at the beginning of a long journey - but can honestly say that if it were not for SR - I would still be in that Range Rover (literally and figuratively). I find it so frightening as you say, how we withdraw and retreat into our own worlds - and become as damaged as the addict - whom we are trying to 'rescue'. Is it the self reflection which is lessening the pain in your heart?? From reading other members posts - it seems the only time there is an inkling of a chance of a relationship working is if the addict is truly prepared to work at recovery - I really believed H was doing that - only from joining SR do I realise he is a long, long way from any form of recovery.... you are in my thought Learn2Live!

I agree with Laurie's post about about "the doubts" which will come "creeping in."

I didn't want to comment on that when first reading your post,Lara, because you were in a strong place and your words from that place are useful to many here.

But my experience, personal and from observation, is that there will still be a part of you ready to bargain, a part of you watching for that "inkling of a chance" that your addict will make a turnaround in the upcoming months and do the right thing, get his program on track, come to you with sincere amends and a request for another chance, dive into counseling or service work, and look really really good.

For that reason, I suggest you today go no contact for a minimum one year and two would be better. If you feel yourself unwilling to do this--if that suggestion brings forth strong feelings of protest in you--then you are easy prey for his addiction over the coming months and your family is again at risk.

There is no reason to continue contact.

What lessened the pain in my heart was your honesty with yourself and your sharing that here. It made me realize that AXBF does not do this. But I do. Being on the receiving end of AXBF's blame for the dissolution of this relationship has damn near killed me. I have been blaming myself and wracking my brains going over the last 2 and a half years trying to figure out what I did wrong, what else I could have done, what I should not have said, how I caused this, how I should have fixed this. And have felt as though my heart has been torn in two. As if a breakup of a long-term relationship is not hard enough as it is! But when I read your post, I thought about all the work you had to do to get yourself to this point and how honest you were being with yourself. And I thought how he has never done any of this. He just runs roughshod over people, never taking a moment to self-reflect, never considering how what he does HURTS other people, even his children, and all he can do is blame everyone and everything else for the hurt HE causes. He never thinks about the consequences of his actions. And here I was blaming ME.

Hi Englishgarden... thank you for your input.... your words did bring about an initial feeling of protest - I need to be very very careful. I have already begun the 'no contact'!!!!!!! Thank you for all your advice! I am listening... and keeping a piece of paper with me with your words (and others) to remind myself of where I have come, where I am going, and the potential to 'relapse' myself!

Hey Learn2Live - you are so strong - but it seems there is still so much pain. I write as though I am cool and confident. I know what I need to do - cut H completely out of my life - but words are easy - its' now putting it into practice!!! But my heart is still broken - and I miss H terribly!!!! I miss my friend! (I know he has not been my 'friend' in many weeks/ months) - but I miss the friend I use to know!
Be gentle with yourself Learn2Live!!!!

Englishgarden I always respect your posts. You write with wisdom and clarity. 'Every' part of me knows what you say is correct. But what is the 'every part'. My intellect? I don't know. Because my heart is screaming at me to pick up the phone. Call him. I KNOW during his active addiction he is NOT my friend. He can't possibly be. But when he is not on drugs, after rehab - BEFORE he became addicted - he was / is my friend. And I miss him so so much! I miss the good things. I feel I am abandoning him. I feel I am betraying him. All my promises - that I would never desert him. What am I doing now? I am deserting him!!!!!

Is there no way around this one??? What if I set boundaries and stick to them? I am desperately trying to not walk away - isn't there another way???? There are too many memories. To much life shared together..... I have lost all the men I love most in my life.... I don't want to lose H.

If I recall, he broke it off with you for whatever reasons he had. Respecting his wishes is not abandonment or betrayal.

Would some grief counseling help you accept this?

Hi Lara,

Great post but I have some concerns for you (and I apologise for being so open but we all need to learn from others)and I hope you have dealt with them:
Unprotected sex:
have you had HIV tests done? Have you informed any other partners that you may have been with that you have had unprotected sex? If not do so immediatly - it could save your life!
Insomnia
Are you dealing with this? You must as lack of sleep will make you go mental. It drove me near insanity.
Binges:
Do not go down here again. From your post you have an "addictive" personality coupled to CD. Please for you and your son's sake do not be tempted.

Otherwise I am so incredibly proud of your post, it is an insperation and I hope you will heal completly and get to normality. You have the strength to live a great life and I pray you get the love from someone who puts you and your son first above any chemical!

Wow, thank you for such a powerful, humble post. I truly believe that breaking down to such a raw level of honesty with yourself is the best step toward rebuilding a much better foundation for your future. Bonus points for sharing it here! Best of luck in your recovery!!!

Lara,
Suspending contact for a year is not a permanent goodbye, it is stepping away from the addict to give recovery time to take hold or not, and to protect your health and sanity which in turn protects your little boy. Please re-read your account of what life with your addict is like. Please remember how you put him first ahead of your child in your worst moments of codependent disorder.

We can be overcome with paralyzing grief if we cast the no-contact as a permanent goodbye when we are not anywhere near ready for that finality.

In recovery, for the addict and for the codependent, it is recommended over and over again to take the long view. I find so few are able to do that. They CANNOT BEAR the thought of being apart.

He is out of control, and he is for a fact a good year from being mentally stable even if he got clean and sober today.

You are powerless to change that reality.

If you are concerned about abandoning him, your thinking is misguided. If you wish to show him lovingkindness, let him find his way to recovery without the distraction of your relationship dramas, let him deal with his loneliness or his frustration in the company of other addicts, not in the company of an easily-manipulated, emotionally-needy codependent who is watching his every mood and behavior and begging for connection he is incapable of making.

You are not good for him. You have no recovery yourself, you are an unrecovering enabler and minimizer and people like that are not good for any addict.

Together, you two are a train crash.

Even if he goes into recovery this minute, he is going to experience the full spectrum of post-acute withdrawal symptoms in his first year of sobriety--the discontent, the irritability, the anger, the self-centeredness, the extreme restlessness. Ask people who have endured the first year of sobriety with a mate, they will tell you how they suffered his mood swings and resentments as he fought the urge to get loaded.

Your little boy is an innocent child who needs to be protected from the disease of addiction. If you stay involved with your addict today, the disease will infect you and it will filter into your child through his pores. I know this. Every one of us who have raised children in the realm of addiction know this.

So you have to choose.

Also. I would suggest a test for Hepatitis C and B as well as herpes although herpes is very common my doctor said 70 % of the US population one needs to know.

I think it might - thank you for the suggestion...
He is trying to make contact with me again - but so far I am listening to the words of advice from members here - and going 'no contact'!!! Difficult

Hi Bobcat and Crazybabie - as the whole point of SR is honesty and sharing - I will answer your comments openly - and I appreciate your post.
No I am VERY lucky and have escaped all nasty potential diseases.... and NO not in any of relationship. Haven't been in 7 years!!!
When I refer to 'binges' it was two wild weeks over 2 years ago - never happened before - wont' happen again..... I dealt with that - it was pure escapism... But I am VERY aware coming from an alcoholic background (my DAD) - that the tendency to drink 'too much ' is there - so I am very very aware of it!!!!
As for the insomnia - battled since I was a little girl - waiting for my Dad to get home safely!
Thank you Bobcat for your words of encouragement "I am so incredibly proud" - thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!

QUOTE Lara: No I am VERY lucky and have escaped all nasty potential diseases.... and NO not in any of relationship. Haven't been in 7 years!!!
__________________________________________________ _________

Hi Lara,
You mentioned you had a 1 night stand with your ex and your son was born from this - you mentioned he is 4? So in the last 7 years you have been with someone else! I do not mean to be hard here but does your ex know about H and all H's other sexual partners whilst you have been involved with H. Seriously if you have not told your ex (he is your son's father) then you must ASAP as some STD's can go un-noticed for years!

On this point I want to state that if you look back can you see the toxicity and the CD of it all. You were in a relationship with H who did not care for you AT ALL, he had multiple "girlfriends" and you were just one of his floosies! Sorry to be so hard but I seriously doubt there was any weight to him saying he loves you! Normal relationships (which I see with new eyes) is a man and a woman stay true and loyal to each other and do not go out with multiple other partners! In my own marriage my ex did not even look at another man in all the years we were married - I was the idiot that strayed for so many years due to my own CD crap! It was tough breaking it all to her and I insisted that we both got checked out for STD's - I also did the unprotected thing but thank GOD there was nothing found!

Stay strong and be careful out there.

Hi Bobcat - 'BESIDES' the ONE night - literally ONCE with my ex - 4 years ago - NO - NOONE else!!!

I am not one of H's floosies - never have been. But during his active addiction (based on what I have read on SR when it comes to cocaine abuse) - I don't know how many other women - I would be a fool to not believe there were NOT other women.

But we have had a long-term deep relationship for many years.....

But the drugs destroy everything.

HI Bobcat I appreciate that your comments come from a place of caring and trying to offer advice and support. But your words are harsh and not true. Posts of mine on SR about my relationship with H - are all based on the bad time when he was in active addiction - there are no posts about our friendship and the true love... it is so easy to read into just negative, ugly crap on SR - as we are only highlighting the bad.
What about the years and years non addiction. Years and years of friendship, love and support?

I should never have posted my thread "Liar, Liar.." without listing all the good times and all the love. I know now, that it is not possible to continue a relationship with a RA - or addict - but I am not a complete fool - I am not all 'co-dependent'. I might have degrees of co-dependency at different times of my life. But there is FAR MORE To ME than this. I am a strong, intelligent person, who would not have remained in a relationship for all those years if it was all about addiction. The addiction started later on - and that is why I came to SR to get help. But I really don't think it is fair to so harshly judge me or my relationship or H - when you only read snippets....

Lara, from all your posts it is obvious that you are a very strong woman working through your feelings in a healthy way.

One thing about a relationship with an addict, is that the mourning for the relationship is very, very hard. When someone dies, you get to know it is final and somehow the mourning is easier simply because you do not have the option of resurrecting the relationship. When a relationship with an addict comes to an end, you get to mourn the death of what was good every single day, even when you know they are still alive.

I have a beautiful photograph of my son at 12 where he looked so healthy and happy. I still sometimes look at that and remember how wonderful life was before drugs. When I finally had to face what his life has become, I sobbed for weeks. I kept my composure in front of people, but when I was alone I cried and cried. I remember posting on my FB page "the unbearable sadness of being" and that was how I felt for a LONG time.

I believe we cannot move on without proper mourning. I believe we should be kind and gentle with ourselves to mourn for as long as it takes. As someone suggested, it is easier to think of this as a break in your relationship rather than the end.

The other point I would like to make, is that if you have really educated yourself on addiction and you still want to give it another try, it is your decision and you have to live with the consequences. When you have really had enough of the chaos addiction brings, or you can see that you do not want your child exposed to any more of this, you will know. You cannot be forced to get to that point, but other people's experiences can help you to see things more clearly.

Best of luck, Lara. I know how difficult this must be for you.

Sunshine, thank you for your post - I should be working - but sitting here at my desks sobbing. The post about your 12 year old son who is now a man. My heart goes out to you. Loss if real. Grief a life time to get over. When we lost my brother in the car crash - it changed our lives forever - I will never know how my mum survived such heart ache. And even though your son is still alive - you have still 'lost' him. What a living agony.

Sunshine, I know that i can never go back to H. For I know now, that addiction is for life. And I will never know truly in my heart if he will relapse. And as other members say, I have to be prepared for a relapse. You can never know when it will happen - yes, some never relapse again - but so few.
If I was single without a son - I might consider giving H a chance - if he had proved himself to me over a few years. But I am a mother FIRST. And I find strength from this too....
I don't believe God intends us to be in 'broken' relationships. And my relationship with H will be forever broken. I came to SR with hope and always believing in the highest possibility - but the reality now is very different.
Thank you so much