I would just move all his things in the basement and tell him the truth. The locks are changed you can pick up your belongings in the basement. AMEN!

Hugs,Devastated

Inpatient Requirements?
 

Well, I did it first thing this morning. His initial response was sort of defensive - as expected - but I didn't get drawn in. I simply stated that although I would like things to be amicable between us, I need to move on with my life.

He apologized, didn't ask for anything, and said that the place (or places) he's checked into have 'standards' and that after answering whatever questions they asked, it was determined he's not qualified for inpatient.

For once I think he's telling the truth because I know he has no where to go and I have seen how badly he wanted this help, even if he's not always making the best choices along the way. I have no experience with this and no, I have not offered to help (just told him he should contact his Aunt who is in the field and has been assisting in guiding him) but just curious if it's really that hard to get admitted?

Also, I am new to learning the difference of being a co-dependent. If I send him a link or two that I saw over the weekend (actually happened to hear of a local place advertise on the radio and another link on a show I watched) - is that being helpful or is that being co-dependent?

I feel good, grounded, and no anxiety so I know I'm not even close to being drawn back into the drama. I really feel some inner peace that I haven't felt in 2 years but I'm still not completely clear on what is ok to do and what would be considered co-dependent.

If you are "moving on with your life" why would you be DOING anything? Eh?

I guess that's a good point - and that leads me to the question of - is it possible to be supportive if he's working a program (or trying to)? Like I said, I'm new to this part, feel strong enough to have that detached compassion, but aware enough to know I don't want to make any mistakes (for myself) by taking steps backwards.

I don't know about you, but "being supportive" has ALWAYS led back to "getting sucked in". Examine your motives: WHY are you feeling the need to stay involved in any way? As I've said before, you can have compassion for him without actually having contact. I don't think you can be as detached as YOU think you can. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you want to keep the door open and that will NOT allow you to move on with your life. So which is it?... Do you want to move on or not? You get to choose, but stay rooted in reality and be fully aware of what you have CHOSEN.

Oh, and BTW, it has never been difficult AT ALL to get my son admitted into rehab. If there were problems it would come from the insurance side, not because he "didn't qualify" for inpatient. I smell a rat.

Mantra of the day: Let go or be dragged, my dear. :ghug3

Hmmmm, well, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I do not want to-and won't-go back. One of my friends said to me this morning that it must be lonely now that I'm by myself and I immediately corrected her saying no! I'm happy, at peace, and excited for whatever lies ahead of me. I mean, this past week, I found myself driving with the windows down and the music blaring. That is something I haven't done - or felt like doing - in a long long time. It may sound silly but that is one definitive sign for me that I'm doing good.

As far as him....I just look at the situation and sincerely want for him to get the help he needs. I know I can't do it for him, I know it's his choice and no one else's. I'm hearing he wants the help. And I'm writing all of this with no emotional attachment except for compassion.

Is this possible to have the compassion without anything else?

I want lots of things....... doesn't mean I'm gonna get 'em.

Oops, sorry, for some reason I didn't see this last part before I responded. That's why I'm posting about this - I want to keep my eyes wide open and not fall for anything. I don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth so maybe he's telling me a line.

Well, he has his aunt to call on so I guess that's all I'm going to suggest (since that's what I left on this morning's text).

Thank you for walking this thin boundary line with me. I hope in time I learn to make it wider :)

It is really difficult not to help, i.e., send sites, etc., however, you have to remember he can get all the information he wants, when he wants, so it really isn't necessary for you to help.

With regard to getting admitted to rehabs, in my experience all they have to do is wait for a bed. I know my son had to wait about 3 weeks, but this is a small community with lots of drug abuse going on. Here there are only a couple of local rehabs.

Also my son had a violent crime on his record, in which case he had fewer choices as to where to go. He did, by the grace of God, end up in the place he wanted that did duel diagnosis.

Yep, moving on, takes practice. Once there isn't any contact it is much easier to see the forest for the trees.

Hugs, Devastated

Thank you for this reminder. It's not just here but any time I hear a friend in some sort of jam or trying to figure something out, my first instinct is to try to help when I should remember that maybe it's only wanted if asked??

I think I'm being helpful and that is in fact my motive but people, including my ex, are perfectly capable.

So, from a distance, I will say a prayer that he makes the right choice.

Yes, let go or be dragged.

I also like, Let Go and Let God.

Let go of this guy. He is bad news. When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.

PS To all you ladies out there, a man is NOT a puppy. Don't try to pick them up and cuddle them and take them to the vet. Leave them the hell alone. If you have a super strong sense of compassion and wanting to help, go help babies and children.

I second Learn2Live! But,as a man,I have something to add....

Not only is a troubled man NOT a cuddly puppy,he can be a very
dangerous,indeed potentially lethal creature.There are 3.5 billion guys
out there......and a very large proportion of them do not have pasts
and/or egregious faults.I tell my daughter----would you buy a busted up
Computer at the store with grand hopes of "fixing it up"!?!?!
No way!!!!! Not when there are thousands of GREAT computers that
competent,presentable,and NICE people want to sell you.And if one falls
off the rack and is even cosmetically damaged? It goes to the damaged
goods section.
My dear love and best friend of 35 years (wife) used to really get on me
when I came home with a 'great find' from the damaged rack.I fought & fought
her on that! But .........(please don't rat me out to her!!!!!)
She is right.Damaged goods (or people with stories with holes so big you
could drive a truck through them........just aren't worth the trouble.
As the saying goes......let go or be dragged.

lol, Vale... that analogy really is coming from a man. LoL
computer or cars!

You have come a long way Hopeful. Great job.

(I hope there is nothing controlling "implied" in that statement, lol )

IMO, yes

Oooopps,
How right you are!
Vale.

Just when I think I'm doing good, I get sooo confused on this whole detachment thing, lol. I think part of what your'e saying is that I've decided what's *right* which is a control thing. So if I re-word it, change my thinking to say "from a distance, I will say a prayer that he chooses a path that keeps him safe (or a path that frees him from addiction)", isn't that ok?

Whether it's an addict or someone else in our lives, we're always going to wish the ones we care about well. I'm just having a hard time finding the line in the sand between being controlling and co-dependent and well adjusted and compassionate. This work on ME is hard! :-)

Ask yourself if you have given him and his problems over to a Higher Power? Do you have a Higher Power?

I do. I may not believe in the conventional sense but I do talk to God. I ask him for guidance. Is that what you mean?