Changed locks-suggestions on how to tell him
 

For those who don't know, my axbf moved out Mon. night. He took off in the middle of packing without a word and texted me as I was going to bed that he was at his uncles. I knew that meant he was getting weed before leaving for his Mom's. I didn't wait to say goodbye (would have if he didn't take off) and we haven't spoken since.

I have had the most peaceful week, been off work since Tuesday afternoon and dreading his 'return' which is either tomorrow or Monday. Although I've taken precautions to change the lock to the apartment,the basement is still accessible so he can get his things without me being here. Right now, he thinks he can still come to the apartment and when he left, he wasn't happy when I told him I wanted to move things into the basement.

What I am agonizing over is what to say. I plan on texting him tomorrow because I don't want to get in an arguement on the phone and it's better to let him know than for him to come here, not be able to get in, and flip out. That wouldn't be fair to the girl who lives downstairs and it also makes me nervous what he might do.

Is there any constructive way to let him know what I did without sending him into a rage or is it futile and I should just get it over with?

how about...your stuff is in the basement (i hope there isn't anything else he can take of yours down there or any damage that he can do) and i have changed the locks to the apartment. please come and get your things. hope you are well, and i wish you the best. goodbye.

or i have changed the locks to stop crazy zombies from trying to get in. the basement locks are still the same and that is where your stuff is. beware of the zombies when you get your stuff.

Jody, I actually like both - the first is direct and takes the focus off of why I changed the locks. And the second made me 'laugh out loud' so hopefully at the very least, something like that would catch him off guard, lol

I like the zombie one, lmao. you should add in that you're sleeping with one of the zombie's, just to mess with him.

i actually liked the zombie one myself...was giggling to myself while i wrote it. but basically don't put any energy into telling him why you changed them, if you feel the need to say something, just say it, and move onto the next task. don't get drawn into the drama of it all. let him own that, and you can then think of the zombies eating what is left of his brain.

I am terrified of zombies. In the event of an outbreak, I'd like to take over the nearest Costco and have it lock down inside with my family. There's enough food inside + a pharmacy. The warehouse setting with the metal doors and gate will help too.

movies like 28 days later, 28 weeks later, dawn of the dead seriously freak me out.

We should stay away from Addicts like we would from Zombies.

i want a pet zombie like Shawn of the dead ended up with....how cool would that be. no need to change the locks then....just let loose your pet zombie on the addict in your life.

I'd give just the facts, nothing more.

Hopeful,

Will you be home when he comes? If so, is it possible to have a friend there with you when he comes? Do you have any guy friends or couple girlfriends to keep you company?

I would go with the first one it is sort and direct and like you said takes the focus off why

I was lol @ the zombie one it is entertaining for us but who knows how he would respond to that.

There is a priceless line from the new film out (called 'Oxymorons'--about the OxyContin
epidemic).

Two cops are walking through a drug den.The addicts shooting up /snorting/nodding are apparently unaware of their presence....when one says to the
other "They are so messed up they don't even know we are here", to which the second
one replies....."they're like f-ing zombies!"


(hard line to forget)

I'd just go with 'I've changed the locks. Your stuff is in the basement, please come and collect it'.

stop the expectations of it all....not worth the time or energy...JUST DO IT...

CONGRATS on living alone!!!

I'm not even sure I'll be home. I heard from his Aunt a few days ago that she talked to his Mom briefly (who lives out of state) and said that the inpatient facility he was going to look into was shut down due to the holiday (doesn't make sense - it's not like they send patients home, right?) so he was planning on coming back Monday. I haven't heard from him at all but most likely I will be at work.

Yeah, that's the one I plan on using.

Thank you all for responding and the zombie conversation was entertaining!

I'd keep it simple.. Changed the locks... your stuff is is the basement..( just so he knows this is final) Wish you well. Then stick to it. Don't talk to him.. EVen if you are home., he can't get in the apartment, right? Don't let him in. Is he violent? Are you afraid of him?

It's funny (in a macabre sort of way), I always thought zombies were the perfect analogy for addicts. Your loved one is dead, concerned only with acquiring their DOC, flesh, and there is no point in reasoning with them because they will either eat you or turn you into one of them! The best and only thing to do is protect yourself at all cost. Ok, not really very funny, but surprisingly accurate.

as Joe Friday used to say in Dragnet (aging myself here.....) "all we want are just the facts, ma'am".

Short, sweet, to the point. I'm learning that no one seems to be too interested in the why's of what I am doing. They already know why.

First things first: Is he on the lease or mortgage? If so, you can't legally do this - he is entitled to stay there and if you want him out you have to take the legal action to get him out. This is true even if you paid 100% of all the bills.

Even if everything is in your name, in some (if not all) states if he can prove residency (drivers license, voters registration, etc.) then you still have give him 30 day notice, you can't lock him out.

Time to talk to a lawyer.

No, he will not be able to get in the apartment. He had some things packed when I got home from work last Monday. Since his latest thing had been stealing, I just had to look to make sure he wasn't taking anything important (even though I pretty much had already locked most things away in my bedroom) and I noticed jars of pasta sauce, other condements, etc. hidden in his shoes. I kinda laughed because that's what it's come down to. It kinda bugged me too that he felt he had to sneak food but whatever, pick and choose my battles and this wasn't worth it.

No, he's not violent and I'm not afraid of him but it's been soooo long since I've felt at peace that I am afraid of the drama and with how unreasonable he is and how entitled he feels, I just don't want to be around if I don't have to.

Funny you mention this but you're right now that I think about it. Any time I had an ache or whatever, it was always "take this" and I wanted no part of it.

He's on the lease but never paid a dime towards rent or any bills. I asked him to move out in May so he's had plenty of notice and has offers (family) to go. The best (for him) would have been his aunt's but he didn't like the rules - inpatient first before living with her.

Hopefully, he knows it's time to move on.

when i wrote the funny version, i wasn't even drawing analogies from zombies to addicts, but you have a very good point. i was just trying to lighten up the moment. love it!

I would just move all his things in the basement and tell him the truth. The locks are changed you can pick up your belongings in the basement. AMEN!

Hugs,Devastated

Inpatient Requirements?
 

Well, I did it first thing this morning. His initial response was sort of defensive - as expected - but I didn't get drawn in. I simply stated that although I would like things to be amicable between us, I need to move on with my life.

He apologized, didn't ask for anything, and said that the place (or places) he's checked into have 'standards' and that after answering whatever questions they asked, it was determined he's not qualified for inpatient.

For once I think he's telling the truth because I know he has no where to go and I have seen how badly he wanted this help, even if he's not always making the best choices along the way. I have no experience with this and no, I have not offered to help (just told him he should contact his Aunt who is in the field and has been assisting in guiding him) but just curious if it's really that hard to get admitted?

Also, I am new to learning the difference of being a co-dependent. If I send him a link or two that I saw over the weekend (actually happened to hear of a local place advertise on the radio and another link on a show I watched) - is that being helpful or is that being co-dependent?

I feel good, grounded, and no anxiety so I know I'm not even close to being drawn back into the drama. I really feel some inner peace that I haven't felt in 2 years but I'm still not completely clear on what is ok to do and what would be considered co-dependent.

If you are "moving on with your life" why would you be DOING anything? Eh?

I guess that's a good point - and that leads me to the question of - is it possible to be supportive if he's working a program (or trying to)? Like I said, I'm new to this part, feel strong enough to have that detached compassion, but aware enough to know I don't want to make any mistakes (for myself) by taking steps backwards.

I don't know about you, but "being supportive" has ALWAYS led back to "getting sucked in". Examine your motives: WHY are you feeling the need to stay involved in any way? As I've said before, you can have compassion for him without actually having contact. I don't think you can be as detached as YOU think you can. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you want to keep the door open and that will NOT allow you to move on with your life. So which is it?... Do you want to move on or not? You get to choose, but stay rooted in reality and be fully aware of what you have CHOSEN.

Oh, and BTW, it has never been difficult AT ALL to get my son admitted into rehab. If there were problems it would come from the insurance side, not because he "didn't qualify" for inpatient. I smell a rat.

Mantra of the day: Let go or be dragged, my dear. :ghug3

Hmmmm, well, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I do not want to-and won't-go back. One of my friends said to me this morning that it must be lonely now that I'm by myself and I immediately corrected her saying no! I'm happy, at peace, and excited for whatever lies ahead of me. I mean, this past week, I found myself driving with the windows down and the music blaring. That is something I haven't done - or felt like doing - in a long long time. It may sound silly but that is one definitive sign for me that I'm doing good.

As far as him....I just look at the situation and sincerely want for him to get the help he needs. I know I can't do it for him, I know it's his choice and no one else's. I'm hearing he wants the help. And I'm writing all of this with no emotional attachment except for compassion.

Is this possible to have the compassion without anything else?

I want lots of things....... doesn't mean I'm gonna get 'em.

Oops, sorry, for some reason I didn't see this last part before I responded. That's why I'm posting about this - I want to keep my eyes wide open and not fall for anything. I don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth so maybe he's telling me a line.

Well, he has his aunt to call on so I guess that's all I'm going to suggest (since that's what I left on this morning's text).

Thank you for walking this thin boundary line with me. I hope in time I learn to make it wider :)

It is really difficult not to help, i.e., send sites, etc., however, you have to remember he can get all the information he wants, when he wants, so it really isn't necessary for you to help.

With regard to getting admitted to rehabs, in my experience all they have to do is wait for a bed. I know my son had to wait about 3 weeks, but this is a small community with lots of drug abuse going on. Here there are only a couple of local rehabs.

Also my son had a violent crime on his record, in which case he had fewer choices as to where to go. He did, by the grace of God, end up in the place he wanted that did duel diagnosis.

Yep, moving on, takes practice. Once there isn't any contact it is much easier to see the forest for the trees.

Hugs, Devastated

Thank you for this reminder. It's not just here but any time I hear a friend in some sort of jam or trying to figure something out, my first instinct is to try to help when I should remember that maybe it's only wanted if asked??

I think I'm being helpful and that is in fact my motive but people, including my ex, are perfectly capable.

So, from a distance, I will say a prayer that he makes the right choice.