I'm worried about my Wife.
 

My wife has been out of alcohol rehab for 3 weeks and went straight into sober living and IOP. She has recently admitted to having an affair that began between the day I kicked her out of the house and before she entered rehab. I finally had enough when I came home from work and found her passed out drunk on the couch at 5am. She had urinated on herself and our 3 year old daughter was sleeping beside her, soaked in her mother's urine. I told her to get out and to not come back until she was clean. 3 days later she had sex with a coworker in his car after work. 3 days after that she called her mother and said she was scared and wanted to go to rehab. She also admitted that the entire time she was in rehab she would call her affair partner and talk to him. She only called to talk to our kids a total of 9 times during the entire 30 day, 12 step program. She was diagnosed bipolar while she was there and in currently on 100mg Zoloft and Lamictal. She is now saying she wants a divorce and hasn't ever truly loved me. Also a week after she got out of rehab she got a new job at a brunch restaurant that serves alcohol, as most people go to brunch to drink. She refuses marriage counciling and wants an "irreconcilable differences" divorce. I don't want divorce. I told her if we did divorce that I was going to file on the grounds of adultery. We live in an at fault state. She freaked out and said i was being vindictive and that I was going to "rake her over the coals and ruin her." While in sober living she has only called to talk to our children a handful of times and it's only for a few minutes at best. The kids miss her and she says she isn't coming home. They are both regressing in the way they behave and I'm doing all I can right now to support them and meet their needs. I don't drink. I hate alcohol. Its ruined my marriage and I just don't know how to break through to my wife. Between the affair, the bipolar diagnosis and the new meds, and the new sobriety (she has 45 days as of today), what should I do? I'm not a quitter and I know how to forgive. I love my wife. Should I give her a divorce or is she out of her head right now?

Hi BRM05, you're going through an awful period right now, and it's must be terrible seeing the children in pain. One of the worst aspects of living with and loving an A is the realisation that you can't control them. You can't keep them sober and you can't force them to stay married to you. The more you push, the harder she will push back.
Your post implies she might be drinking again as she's working in place that serves alcohol. Do you have any more indications, like when she talks to you?
I suggest you take things softly and slowly but make your plans. Nothing has to happen tomorrow, but you can't hold back time either. Get legal advice, especially around custody, because you can't trust her alone with the children until she has some solid sober time together.
Currently she's in the exciting stage of a relationship, coping with sobriety (I hope) and is completely wrapped up in herself. Stay calm, don't fight her unless you have to, and if she's still intent on divorce don't go down the adultery route. Neither your or the children will benefit from that.
You will benefit from planning for the worst even if it doesn't eventuate.

hi and welcome

You can't give your wife anything. If she wants a divorce she can have one. In learning about alcoholism I found out that being unfaithful is something people do and it is not a feature of being an alcoholic so if you are expecting her to change if she stays sober you maybe disappointed that that side of her doesn't change.

I don't want divorce.

Maybe you need to work out why cos from what you have said their is precious little to save in your marriage, your wife is having affairs and has told you she doesn't love you. Her behaviour is effecting your children. Alcoholism is progressive and she will only get worse. Is this what you want for your life and your kids?

So yes I'd "give her a divorce". I divorced from my alcoholic husband 4 years ago and life has been much better. Learn all you can from the stickies at the top of the forum about alcoholism. You will see that much of her behaviour is her and nothing to do with her drinking.

BRM05, hang on to your sanity! I know how hard it must be.

She just got this diagnosis and just got medicated. It's going to take many months before she is stable again, never mind the diagnosis - she's a newly sober alcoholic who has just blown up her whole life. Her meds are going to be a moving target. I'm in recovery myself (nearly five years sober) and the first year is a roller coaster even without new medication that may or may not be the right one(s). I'm glad I was single, I would have made a big mess of any relationship at the end of my drinking and in that first year of sobriety.

Focus on making the very best, full, fun, safe life you can for those kids. They deserve it and they will give you love and strength... between tantrums. :)

I do understand you wanting it to work. It's going to take time, you are also in shock and grief. Time will settle this out. You'll know when you've had enough and no one can help you get there - it's an inside thing, but it doesn't sound like there's a lot left to save at this point. You'll find all kinds of stories here, lots of wisdom if you read through the threads.

The wife...? Who knows. She may get better. May not. Statistics aren't really in her favor for long-term success. Addicts/alcoholics are nothing if not selfish. More will be revealed. I would definitely try to give her a very long leash right now, she has a lot to overcome and to prove before any trust is possible. The bipolar diagnosis may change over time, too.

BRM..….45 days is still very, very early on....
One thing to be aware of is that a person who is bi-polar, and, perhaps, in a hypomanic state is commonly hyper sexual.....promiscuity is common...even if it is not in their usual character....as are a lot of other impulsive behaviors....
When a person is heavily intoxicated, it is hard to know where any of the behaviors are really coming from.....
I would say that it is important for you to not "panic", at this point. You will need some professional support...as much as you can get.
Of course, you will need legal advice...even if you are not planning to do anything, right now....especially around issues of custody....
You should have your own therapist/counselor who is experienced with treating families of the addicted....(one would assume that any decent counselor will have some basic knowledge of bi-polar)……

You are going to need to educate yourself about alcoholism as well as bi-polar...

If she is truly bi-polar...she will need ongoing supervision by a psychiatrist in addition to her other therapies....as she will need her medications and symptoms monitored.....
Your own therapist can help you with your parenting...I would say to keep life as stable and as close to "normal" as possible....they probably will need extra time and attention from you, just now.....
Perhaps, you can work it out with your wife to see the children for some short visits, with you present...

The next year is likely to be a rocky time for your wife and your family...as it will take some time to see just how the future is going to unfold.....
Just be sure to get lots of professional help....

BRM.....we have an extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....more than 100--enough for you to read one every single day..lol…
These articles are contained within the stickies, just above the threads....for now, I am giving you the following link...…
There is sooo much to know. Knowledge is power....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html

I have been educating myself about alcoholism and bipolar disorder since she got the diagnosis the first week in treatment. I have also been going to Al Anon meetings every week. Our marriage has not been a bad one. We only ever fought when she would get drunk, at which point she would tell me how I "beat and abused our children, was a cheater and a liar, a deadbeat dad" etc. The next day I would always ask her why she would say things like that to me and she would always apologize and tell me that she didn't really think that. We loved each other a lot. I still do. She has NEVER cheated before this affair and before you think I am naïve, I have made very sure that I am correct. Here's is part that's hard for me to understand. 4 days before I made her leave she stopped me in the kitchen while I was on my way out the door to work and she said "I know I haven't been the best mother or wife but I want you to know that I'm trying hard and this is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. Please don't give up on me." I responded "I'll never quit on you as long as you never quit on yourself. I'll always be here to help you and I'm not giving up on you." She cried, I cried, we told each other I love you, kissed and then I went to work. She later told me that she didn't mean a word she said that day and that it was a lie. She said she was trying to rationalize her feelings and make herself believe that it was the truth. I just don't buy it. I believe that she is just trying to take the easy route because she knows that this marriage will require hard work. Its always easier to scorch earth and move on.

I also think that she is having maybe a midlife crisis of sorts. She is 40 and I am 34. I agree with the hyper sexuality. So does my therapist. I've tried to talk to her about getting to a therapist to be evaluated to see if she is manic but she hasn't been to one in almost a month. She just says "I'm not manic, you are just trying to control me and are mad that I want a divorce." to be honest her behavior is very selfish and childish. She tells the kids she is coming to see them and sometimes never shows up. The children appear to be a very low priority to her. My ultimate question is, is she ever going to realize what she is doing to her family? Is she going to come back when she is better and try to make this right? I can wait. She is worth it to me, but if its a lost cause then I need to do what is best for me and move on.

Really no way to know. I wouldn't count on it.

I know there is a whole big ball of shame involved here - and yes, it may be easier to just walk away and not deal with it. If that's what she does, then the consequences are hers and hers alone. When I try to diagnose/mind-read/predict the future it never goes well for me. I'm not good at it!

The answers will come to you in time. Nothing about this is going to be easy. Sounds like you have some good support - that will help a lot in those dark moments - make sure to call them when you need them. :)

I did a lot of working things out in writing, too. Keep posting. :hug:

She also told me that the counselors at the rehab facility told her that I was a narcissist and a manipulator and that she needed to get me out of her life. They have never met me. I mentioned this to my therapist and she told me that my wife was mirroring and that I was in fact not a narcissist. Why is she trying to make me out to be the problem when her alcoholism was the real culprit?

Addicts don't want to face the reality of their addiction or the damage caused/being caused by them,so 'project' that on to another person (you) and she's the good guy(in her warped mind).

You cannot make her want to do the right thing.

No one can tell you what to do, but myself, I would file based on adultery, and I would do everything I can do to protect my children. Make sure they know it's nothing to do with them and not their fault in any way.

Best wishes. I say this all kindly b/c I know it's hard, and it's painful!

I don't want a nasty divorce. If it comes to that I'd like to be as kind and civil as possible. Trust me, deep down I'd like for her to hurt but the part of me that wants that is not who I am. Its just revenge and that will bring nothing but pain to everyone involved including my children. If what I know is true, shes already ashamed and guilty enough as it is. Even with a civil divorce or a divorce settlement she is going to have to pay child support and will only see the kids every other weekend while i supervise the visit. Her life is already going to be difficult from here on out and I'm trying not to make it any worse.

Oh I get that. I fully encourage a civil divorce. I also know that's not always possible. When you push an addict to the wall and they are forced to face their own consequences, it turns nasty really quickly unfortunately. Not always, but many, many times.

I'm just afraid that the good woman I used to know is gone forever.

BRM..….remember, that, unless you were actually in the room...you won't really know what she has told the therapist or what the therapist has said to her.....

I can subpoena during the divorce to find out if she lied about me but what good would that do?

BRM...I don't think that is a good idea.....

I can pretty much guarantee she lied about you or that she is so delusional she really believes it. That happens in all marriages that break down. Delusion, lies, distortion, sides are taken.

No one is good at admitting their own faults at first. Or ever, for some people.

So what should I do? Should I give up on her and just walk away. Her father walked out on her at 3 years old. She was later molested at 13 during visitation with her father by his best friend. Her father was passed out drunk in the next room when it happened. She never told anyone except me. Her first husband left her after he cheated on her and left her in financial ruin. If I leave I'll just be the 3rd man in her life to walk away. She's worth the effort even if it hurts me. I can weather the storm. I made a promise.

To be fair, she is the one who has walked away from you.

BRM.....I am certainly NOT saying to "give up on her and just walk away"...…

In light of what you have shared...she needs very special treatment..by those who have special training in treating abuse/sexual abuse. This is not an unusual thing...but, it leaves life long scars unless properly treated for most people...I would like to say ALL people.....
Sexual abuse is, very often, kept secret or "swept under the rug"..for lots of reasons....one consequence is trouble in relationships later in their lives....

I agree but if she is out of her head right now she could easily see it the other way. I know I'm too invested in what she is thinking and that's a useless exercise in futility. I'm just looking for as many answers I can find before I make a decision. I don't want to do the wrong thing. Has anyone here ever done what she is doing to us? Has anyone had it done to them? How did it turn out? I know that everyone's situation is different but I want as much knowledge as I can get from people with the similar experiences.

None of that matters now.

How does none of that matter? Those experiences helped forge who she is as a person. Her fears and insecurities, her guilt and shame. Those things make up the person I fell in love with. I accepted those things about her and I accept what she is going through now. It's a transformation for better or worse. I know I have a right to quit but is that truly the right thing to do. My heart and gut say be patient and loving. My brain and ego say "Stick it to her! You're better off without her."

BRM.....I think it is important to realize that it will be months, at least, before her brain stabilizes....and, that is if she remains sober and faithful to her medications.... At this point, it would be impossible for anyone to make an accurate prognosis for her or the marriage.....and that includes her doctors....

I have never been in your shoes....but, I have worked with bi-polar patients and alcoholics, as well. In addition, I have known, personally, those who have been married to alcoholics and individuals with bi-polar diagnosis. I have seen both get into recovery and stabilize their disease.....I have seen both be in stable marriages....so, I know it is possible. I, also, have seen situations where none of this is true....
It all comes down to the individual, as I see it...and, I am including getting treatment for the sexual abuse and other abuses, in her life....
You have control over how you conduct yourself, and take care of yourself and the kids...but, there are several things that you don't have control over...but, she does....
I know that you are fearful, and understandably so...and, you want answers and hope, now...but, life unfolds in it's own timeline....and it does not alter that for anyone....
The best you can do is to meet the future as it unfolds in the way that it unfolds....

My brother-in-law has a wife who is bi-polar...and, he was always very respectful and kind to his wife...they had two children and she is a very intelligent, accomplished woman....She had two episodes of manic psychosis before the children were born, before she received the proper diagnosis/treatment....over the years she was hospitalized many times for manic psychotic episodes....but functioned beautifully, each time she was stabilized....Fortunately, he is a very successful lawyer and had good financial resources...He kept the children in therapy for their entire growing up years...and was very supportive to his wife. He made sure that he never badmouthed her to the children and supported their relationship with their mother in the best ways he could....Even so, there was a strain on the marriage and there was an amicable, legal separation. As her episodes of mania became more frequent...he sought full custody of the children...for their protection and stability...but, he always supported her relationship with them as much as was possible. Full custody was a part of the eventual divorce. The children are adults now, and very successful in their own lives and seem to be happy, well adjusted adults who have a good relationship with their mother----as the y understand and accept her illness. It is not all Ozzie and Harriett...but it is healthy. My brother-in law, eventually married another woman who had no children and things have worked out very well for them....and the "blended family"....
This whole process took many, many years...and there were plenty of ups and downs along the way....it was very hard on him, many times....
He did always rely heavily on professionals who knew what they were doing...other lawyers, psychiatrists, child therapists.....strong men's support group in his church.....and the children always had their own therapist that they saw all of their lives...
It was not easy...far from it...but, I count that as a success story that I got to watch very closely....
I will point, out, however...his wife did not drink...nor was there any history of abuse, that I know of....she has two other siblings and a father who were also bi-polar....so the family was well aware of mental illness and how to treat it...
His wife lives in her own townhouse, and has her own friends and activities....and, has learned that she must remain faithful to her medications and therapy....

I just cannot emphasize how much every situation is scenario dependent.....

I would immediately accept her gracious offer to get divorced and never look back.

The person you married doesn't love you and she really doesn't exist any more, based on what you have described.

It sounds like you did, indeed, "make a promise" and that you have kept it.

My ex and I got divorced in 1 day.

We were equally at fault in marrying when we were young and drunk.

We got divorced without a harsh word spoken - no litigation whatsoever.

We weren't just fair with each other financially - we were generous.

If I saw her today, we would stop and talk for 10-15 minutes.

I wish her much happiness.

I'm sorry for your pain.

Who would want the continued chaos in his or her life?

Keep us posted.

Because that way she doesn’t have to take any responsibility or fully address that issue.

Right now there are a lot of raw/hurt emotions on the table with both of you. She is in extremely early recovery from alcoholism and a probable diagnosis of bi-polar. She is unstable with her moods/thoughts and future plans for herself. She is in the extremes of uncertainty with a dire need to control things/people around her. Then there you are, taking in her extreme behavior like it’s gospel. I know it hurts and you are filled with fear of the unknown but at this point in time I would suggest you not buy the whole farm so to speak. Use caution with your own words, don’t commit to anything she suggests but have a standard answer like “let me think about that and I’ll get back to you”.

Surround yourself with support, people you can talk to when you need time to assess things on those “getting back to you subjects?.

The more you can focus on you and you being the best dad you can be the better off you and your kids will be to handle whatever the future may bring.

I'm leaning towards divorce because it is what she is asking for. I need to show her I respect her agency as an adult to make her own decisions even though I know she shouldn't be asking for this during such an important time in her life. It's amazing how an addict can almost convince you that you are the problem when you absolutely know that you are not. Granted I'm not perfect and I could have done things better in the marriage. I reacted out of anger and frustration many times when she was drunk. I tried to shame her into sobriety and of course that never works. I was pretty uneducated about alcoholism. I was one of those that chalked it up to a lack of willpower. I know I was a good husband and father. I encouraged her when she got down on herself and I held her accountable when she messed up. Anytime she felt insecure I told her she could do it and that I had her back. I really believe that her current affair has a ton to do with the current situation. She's in "The Fog."