Thanks L2L. That explains it better than I did.

I'm sorry L2L, I know you were trying to help, as you always do, that's why i stepped away.

The more I process this-the fact that this woman isn't just the single most spoiled person I've ever met and insanely jealous of me, but rather sick as in pathalogically ill, the more anger I have and yes, it's all about me. Maybe I'll become a narcissist. What a lovely world they live in. :lala

This is simple however when I frame it in the context of what I have control over. It's just an ACOA pattern turned into PTSD trigger on my end.

To have someone scream at me for something I dont' understand and didn't do, then deny it and say I was the one screaming-I think a "normie" as Coyote calls them (whoever they are) would just think, "dude you are one tripped out mess," and move on.

After the horrible scene in Madison, it took our only employee validating me that yes, in fact, she did scream at you and why yes she does appear completely insane before i could fathom wtf was going one That girl left our business because of this. Great.

I told my partner I couldn't work with her and was leaving the partnership-but she appeared to get it and change. That was the end of October. We agreed to only have a professional relationship after that, which didn't last long.

Sound familiar? Oh yeah, I did the same with AH for about ten years. At least this time it's only taken six months. Guess you can teach an old dog new tricks? Guess that little lecture I gave Thumper about forgiving ourselves for staying when we should have left was more relevant than I knew. I'd rather have taken one look and got the heckito away, at least I sorted it out sooner than in ten years...

My hook, the thing that keeps me in these relationships is my reaction to being blamed for others behavior- it's so strong. It's the PTSD, or just madness. You gonna blame me? You'll have to fight me and that'll be a fight to the death. That's why Beth is absolutely spot on when she said "I'll kill you," is a literal threat to me. Cause you're going down first Sister, not me.

Still working on getting better, I am. Every day. And also, speak like Yoda I do.

So today I'll just detach from everything she represents to me-consciously-so I can make choices and not be triggered. Like Beth said, "it's her, not me." That's the trick.

I have been reviewing our entire relationship in the context of this new info, and everything that baffled and frustrated me about her applies to the narcissit description. She has been insanely angry with me for my public speaking and lots of other things. Furious. Once, at a conference, we were manning the booth and someone asked what I did at the paper. I introduced myself as the Editor (which I am) and after she became enraged because I didn't introduce her. She was sitting behind us, there were a thousand people around. She's still mad about that! It made no sense, none of her actions did, until you guys introduced me to this mental illness.

I thought she was just spoiled but now I know it's more than that. She hates me because I get attention and take credit for my work! She blows up in every day conversation-seriously-while I"m trying to talk to her because she thinks I'm speaking down to her, when in my mind we're equals. It all makes sense now, in the context of her being a narcissist, and my reaction makes sense in the context of and me being an ACOA with PTSD.

I am unable to work with her, unwilling to cater to her. Not healthy or stupid enough, whichever it is.

Until I can end my professional relationship with her, I'm going to have to endure her crazy talk, incessant interrupting, charming everyone else (another trigger for me that I'm the crazy one and people see her as sane) and blame shifting. Detach, detach, go to yoga, be careful with myself and others...

i find as i go along in my recovery, that i getting better at identifying when someone is riling me up or confusing me. what i am practicing to do is called STAR

stop
think
assess
react

i use this in combination with bernadettes's: i am free in this moment.

so, when i feel my emotions rising or i feel confused from someone's callousness or misbehavior, i remind myself that i am free. that seems to open things up for me. then i take a minute to myself, reminding myself to stop, think and assess.

normally, i excuse myself from their presence, because i'm free. and because i am free, if i need five minutes to myself, i am entitled to it. sometimes, they want to follow me or continue their attack but since i am free, i don't feel any obligation to them and take my five minutes. i normally go outside, as the fresh air helps me think better.

works quite well for me.

transformie, i can't say that i have any advice regarding your co-worker, other than the above is helpful to me in not engaging.

i know you love your job, it would be a shame to quit because she is toxic. i wonder if there is some way to minimize your interactions with her or communicate through an intermidiary person, like a secretary or a personal assistant?

i think it wise on your part to eliminate the personal details of your life from her, as she threw it in your face.

This is hilarious! I know you weren't trying to be funny, but it is so simple. so redundant. I need something this elemental when forgetting the basics of being free..

We're not co-workers, we are co-owners of the business and there is no staff to buffer between us. I do love my work. I have several possible solutions brewing. I may just sign over my 50% and become an employee. She can run the entire business, which she insists on doing anyway. She "manages," every meeting, conversation and decision. Fine, she can do that and I'll just do content.

I like that one. Then I can find other work too and not try to do all this administrative crap with her

yeah, it is rather hilarious, but it is literally my thought process. i need to remind myself constantly. i don't know where along the line i forgot i was free but i am slooowly reconditioning myself.

i'm glad you are considering ALL of your options.

if you become an employee, doing content only, does that greatly minimize your involvement with her? does that mean she could fire you?

i'm wondering if maybe you could find someone who would like to invest in the company and assume your administrative run-the-company responsibilities? have three co-owners, and bring some fresh investment (and a buffer) to the business?

( here's how basic it gets for me. when i know i'm going to be with difficult, unreasonable people, i draw a little star on my hand to remind me. )

I don't know the ins and outs of how your business operates so this may not apply, but having a narcissistic boss sounds way worse than a narcissistic co-owner.

Depends on the narcissist. If she feels extra empowered because the person taking all the credit is now her employee, she may be okay to deal with. Still, though, it does sound risky - especially if she could fire you. I'd make sure you've explored all your options before jumping at one of them - make sure you pick the right solution instead of simply a different one.

Whatever you decide, best of luck! Now that you know the problem, you have great things to look forward to. :grouphug:

We were in the process of finding a third investor/partner, which we will need in order to survive. It was the catalyst for one of her melt downs, because she told me she'd met with him and wanted me to meet him, so when I asked when would be a good time to meet with him, she freaked and accused me of trying to take over the business.

Ugh.

she can't fire me. No one else in the state is qualified to produce the content I do (how's that for narcissism?) and she knows it. She can hire ad sales reps, marketers and administrators, she could even hire an editor, but no one has the background i do, to produce the content I do.

Besides, this will free me up to freelance and form the non profit I'm working on. Write grants. Get other work.

This makes me feel better. I would rather be the employee and do content and no administrative stuff, no finding a new printer, dealing with subscriptions, and she can make all the business decisions herself. I'm going to talk to her about it today, before we video tape ourselves welcoming everyone to the website.

My friend just told me on the phone (she grew up with a N mother I just found out) that if my business partner starts running her mouth, just to tell myself, "this is not real."

Good advice.

Oh yeah, I hit the jackpot.
Answers.com - How do you deal with a narcissist business partner

Gawd this is so validating! Thank the heavens..

Yup.

Can you see how her behavior is ALL just how she operates? It really does not make much difference what YOU think, feel, say or do. And it really makes no difference if it's you or someone else. Just like the alcoholic. They think and behave the way they do no matter who is on the receiving end. When I finally got this through my skull it was really weird but I realized that it is like people are living and operating in their own little boxes. When you are able to inhibit your immediate response, don't react, and quiet yourself, you can take a really calm step backwards and just observe the other person. It's a freaky feeling but it is very cool and empowering. Don't let her draw you into her drama and toxicity. You do that by detaching.

Also, it's sad but I had to LEARN that ANY time a grown adult yells at you, it is abusive.
I will no longer allow a grown adult to throw a temper tantrum towards me. I will walk the **** away. They can be "right" all by themselves.

Yep. So glad I reference for this. So glad I've already learned this lesson with AH. It's truly a life saver.

BTW, no need to apologize.

I figured out how to deal with her
 

We worked together last night. It was easy. She went on and on about how she was feeling, each moment, saying she wanted to kill this or that person for whatever was going on at the moment that she was mad about-things that weren't going her way. I just coddled her every now and then, told her I was sorry she was having a hard time. Told her she was brilliant when she kept interrupting my work to tell me her ideas but that I had to finish this article.

Isn't it weird that she still talked about killing people? After the numerous discussions we've had where I've asked her not to do that. She was totally unaware of it.

To be fair her ideas are very smart business ideas. That's part of why this is tricky, she does great things with regard to our paper. We both do. I just know better now than to toot my own horn in front of her.

The only tricky part was when I needed her and another person to shut the heck up while I interviewed someone by phone. She glared at me, but I acted all demur. That totally worked!

I just stayed detached and kept working. We filmed the video together. It was fun and easy too.

This will be easy, as long as I stay on top of my game. At least until I sort out how to build the business to the point of another person coming in and helping. That will be after the new year, we have three people who want to become partners, but will only bring in one.

Thank you everyone for listening to me, helping me sort this out.

Good luck! It sounds like you've got most of everything sorted out as far as she is concerned - that's awesome.

I've found when working with difficult people (of any variety) keeping in mind all the personalities that may contact each other and finding some way to smooth out the differences between them helps make everything easier in the long run (and becomes second nature after awhile).

Hence, I'd suggest that if someone already quit because of her behavior, it might be wise to keep her personality in the back of your mind, and remember that dealing with her is another job requirement when you look at the three interested parties. If you feel this person would get along with her already, or be able to adjust with some input from you, go for it - otherwise the new person will be faced with your original dilemma.

I've found that with people with egos of any sort, feeding their ego a bit while taking credit for your work or proposing ideas goes a long way. Sounds like you're already figuring this out by yourself, of course. My favorite phrases include:
"You probably already thought of this, but I was thinking..."
"She stepped in and did <> which let me accomplish <>." (while she's in earshot)

If you acknowledge what she contributes at the same time you take credit for things (or give her a little bit of credit she doesn't deserve when you can't think of anything she actually did) it's like "greasing the skids" - it's worked like magic for me.

This is great. Gotta outsmart her. It's like she's another one of the kids!

Everyone has things that will make them happy and more agreeable, and things that will make them upset and more argumentative.

Narcissists want their ego fed, they're addicted to it! Just give her a small taste, and she'll love it, but she'll also be more prone to behaving because she'll want more!

Just don't overdo it, I've done that before, too. They think they don't need you anymore, and stop listening. Just give her a taste, but keep her hungry. (I sound so manipulative, don't I? But sometimes that's the only way to sanely deal with insane people.)